I gently place his hand inside of mine and pull him close to kiss him. His kiss is soft and gentle and so right. So perfect. One of the babies move and I back away from him.
“Sorry,” I whisper. He pulls me to him and tries to kiss me.
“I can’t. I’m vulnerable and upset right now. I don’t want to make a mistake,” I tell him.
“Are you saying that I am a mistake?” He asks cupping my face.
“I’m saying that I can’t think clearly right now, and I don’t want to do something that I am going to regret later.” He jumps up off the bed, throwing his hands up in the air.
“You know what?” He snaps. I look up at him through tear stained eyes. He looks back at me, exhales a breath and calmly walks out the room.
***
The sunlight shining brightly into my room wakes me. It’s after two in the afternoon and I have no motivation to get out this bed. I dreamed about Saheed last night. It was a nice, peaceful dream. I smile to myself before forcing myself to hop out of bed, walking over to my safe.
“Where is it?” I scream frantically, searching through all of my treasured jewelry. “Where is it?” I yell again marching into my closet and over to the island where the rest of my jewelry sits. “I can’t find it,” I panic, in search of the diamond earring Saheed gave me when we exchanged our vows. Nyce steps into my closet, looking at me as if I had lost my mind.
“What are you doing?” He asks when he sees me on my hands and knees crawling around the closet floor in search of the earring.
“My diamond earring. I can’t find it,” I whine.
“You have like twenty pairs of diamond earrings. Just wear another pair.”
“This one’s different. This is the one Saheed gave me,” I tell him still crawling around the floor.
“Stop. You’ll find it. Come eat something. You have to eat and take your vitamins,” he says helping me off the floor.
“But I have to find it,” I pout.
“You will but eat first. You can’t do this to yourself. It’s not healthy for you or the kids. You barely have eaten anything since Dani passed. You have to eat, Aneesah.”
I follow him out of my closet and walk over to the table where he has a tray of food and my vitamins waiting for me. I bite into the chicken salad sandwich he’s made.
“I have to find that earring,” I mumble to myself.
“You’re going to take a couple of days off to relax. This has been a fucked up few weeks for the both of us and they don’t need their mother in distress. I arranged for you to go to Aquamedica or some shit like that for a long spa weekend. You need to relax. The car will be here soon so get ready.”
“I don’t wanna…”
“You’re going,” he snaps, cutting me off. “You need some rest and some quiet time to yourself so get ready,” he orders. I don’t feel like fighting with him; I have no fight in me to give right now. I finish my sandwich and jump into the shower. When I come out of the bathroom, Nyce is in my room packing my bags.
“The car is here so hurry up and get dressed,” he says walking out with my bags in his hands. I quickly get dressed and meet Nyce at the car.
“Here,” he states, handing me an envelope as the driver loads my bags. My name is etched on the envelop in Dani’s handwriting.
“I found it while I was cleaning her room out. Get some rest and take it easy,” he says kissing my cheek and shutting the door.
Dear Aneesah,
I am sorry for not being there for the birth of your babies. I really was looking forward to meeting them. Please tell them that I existed and that I was a good person at heart. Please look out for my dad too if you have time.
Aneesah, I am so sorry for everything. The part that I played during your drug usage. I know that you say that it is not my fault, you would have done it regardless, but it is my fault. A friend would have never offered you any to begin with, but I am glad that you were able to beat your vice. I know that you tried to help me but please don’t go blaming yourself because my fuck ups are not your fault. I checked out a long time ago. I welcome death so do not cry over me and do not get in your depressed moods where all you do is stay in the bed because that is not doing you or those babies any good.
I love you with all my heart and thought of you as my big sister. You always took care of me and showed me that there are still good people in this world.
Try to take it easy on Nyce. He knows he fucked up. He loves you and anybody with two eyes can see that. You may think that all those times he acted selfishly but I don’t see it that way. I kind of agree with him (except for the whole Tori shit. I don’t know what the hell he was thinking). He loved you so much that he let you go. Set you free so you had a fair shot at happiness and I know deep down, you love him just the same. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs suffered. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres (I Corinthians) See. I paid attention in Catholic school .
I will be checking up on you and the babies from time to time and I’ll make sure to take care of Saheed, Angel and little James (if that’s what you would have named him…lol) I love you my sister.
Forever and always,
Dani
The letter made me both laugh and cry. There are two cashier checks in the envelope as well, written out to me with a memo note reading Baby A and Baby B. Dani has gifted my babies with 2.5 million dollars apiece.
My week-long getaway was exactly what I needed. I am relaxed and at ease, feeling like they have purified my body from the inside out. I think a lot about what Dani said in her letter and the Bible scripture she enclosed. Do I really have this with Nyce? An unconditional love where we are able to forgive each other for all of our wrong doings and faults. He has forgiven me for my drug habit and the possibility of almost giving him HIV. He sacrificed his freedom to set me free and though he hated Dani, he tolerated her for me.
These thoughts are heavily on my mind this Sunday afternoon as the driver drives me back home. When I arrive, there is music playing, balloons flying, and cars scattered in my damn courtyard.
“I know this niggah did not throw a party,” I fuss irritated, getting out the car. Just when I thought I was gonna be nice to his ass. I try to open the front door, but the bolt locks are on, pissing me off further. It’s too hot for this shit I think as I march around back. My mouth drops when I take in the scenery and everyone yells:
“SURPRISE.” I cover my mouth, looking at my family and friends who are gathered here for my baby shower.
“Awww,” I gush, giving everyone a hug as I make my way around, sun beating on my back. The photographer snaps photos and I frown my face because I am in a pair of yoga pants and a t-shirt; hair up in a sloppy bun.
“Go get dressed,” Pree whispers, reading my face. I race inside the house and up the stairs. There is a box sitting on my bed. I pick up the card.
To my Diamond Girl. Enjoy your day.
-Nyce
I open the box to find a tight fitting bohemian style cotton white dress with silver strappy sandals to match. I take a quick shower and when I step out and walk into my room, Jalena, Pree and Morgan are in my bedroom.
“Come on Mama. Hurry and sit down so I can do your makeup,” Jalena says. I sit in the chair as Jalena beats my face, Pree works on my hair and Morgan snaps pictures with her camera. When done, I throw on my dress and look in the mirror.
“Just one more thing,” Morgan says, draping a flowered headband wreath upon my head.
“AYYYYEEEE,” I squeal in delight at my appearance.
“Now you’re camera ready,” Pree smiles as we rush downstairs and out into the backyard.
I love the theme they’ve got going. My backyard is decked out beautifully in white and pastel colors. There is a huge table in the middle of my yard looking
something magical like Alice in Wonderland as fancy tea cups and pastries grace the table in a smorgasbord of colors. We dine on seafood, pasta salads, sandwiches, meatballs, and roast beef. Jada bakes a red velvet cake which is my favorite and shapes it into a Tiffany blue baby booty. We play the little games and chat about the babies’ names.
When it’s time for gifts, I sit on my white and gold throne as Diana feeds me one present at a time. I receive the cribs from Rita and Miss Annette, bassinets and playpen from Pree and Knuck, two full sized strollers from Jalena, while Jada gifts me with a travel system stroller and Vi, Destiny and Morgan gifts me a jogging stroller.
“Damn. Are y’all trying to say that I am so fat that as soon as I drop these babies my life should be all about strolling them?” I ask insulted.
“YES,” they hiss at me. I laugh but am kind of hurt or maybe I am being sensitive but am I really fat?
“I’m not that fat,” I whine, pushing my third piece of cake away from me.
“No honey. You look beautiful,” Mr. J compliments kissing my cheek. My family and friends basically bought everything that I would ever need including clothes. I am all set for the first three years of the twins’ life. When I finish opening what I thought was my last gift, Knuck comes strolling out followed by Nyce who is looking yummy as hell in a mint green polo shirt and white shorts.
“Diamond, baby,” he greets, planting a kiss upon my cheek. The photographer catches the moment as I smile.
“My gift to you,” he says handing me a jewelry box. I open the box and tears immediately rush to my eyes. I am staring at a platinum, heart shaped locket. The diamond earring, the one that Saheed gave me is glistening and embedded in the middle of the necklace with the words; My Heart Beats engraved underneath it.
“Open it,” Nyce smiles. I open the locket and more tears spill over. The locket holds an ultra sound picture of the first baby I lost on one side and on the other, is a photo of Angel looking peaceful being held in my arms with no tubes coming out of her. Nyce has somehow managed to find a photographer excellent enough to brush up the photo that Hope took of us. I look up at him with tears coming down my face and stand to kiss him; I mean, really kiss him. I am so gone and lost in this kiss. When we stop, he smiles at me as I look up into his eyes. He gently wipes the tears off my face.
“GOT ‘EM,” everyone echoes as they share a laugh. Taking the locket out of my hands, Nyce drapes it around my neck. He stares at me for a moment before kissing my cheek, winks his eye and walks away with Knuck, Pree, and Morgan giving him a high-five as he makes his way back towards the house.
“I guess he ain’t on yo’ shit list no mo’,” Jalena laughs.
The shower wraps up at about eight o’clock that evening. The men take all the gifts up to the house and place everything upstairs inside the nursery that we still have to paint and make baby friendly. I go to bed floating on cloud 9, ready to meet my sons.
The next morning, I find Dontay moving his luggage out of his room and lining it up at the front door.
“What are you doing?” I ask.
“Moving out.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s time. You are about to be a family and I don’t want to be that niggah in the basement,” he laughs.
“Stop talking silly.”
“No really. Y’all need privacy.”
“We’re not even together,” I remind him.
“It’s just a matter of time sweetheart. He’s wearing you down,” he smiles.
“Shut-up. Where are you going?”
“I found me a loft in Center City. You know, it’s time for me to return living like regular folks. It was nice living in a mansion while it lasted,” he laughs.
“Are you cool? I mean, do you need anything?”
“No, I’m straight. You pay me well,” he says winking his eye.
“I’m gonna miss you,” I tell him getting all teary eyed. I swear these damn hormones got me buggin’.
“Awww. You act like I’m never gonna see you again.” He leans in and gives me a hug.
“I know but I feel like we’re breaking up. You were like my boyfriend without the sex,” I laugh.
“When you drop them babies that can still be arranged,” he smiles.
“No thank you. I love you though,” I smile. He kisses the tip of my nose.
“And I love you back,” he smiles before exiting out the door.
I walk back upstairs to get dressed, throwing on some tights, one of my tour t-shirt’s and flip flops. Walking over to my piano, I sit down, put a pen to my paper and create a tune that is stuck in my head.
“What are you playing?” Nyce asks walking into my room and sitting down next to me.
“Just something in my head,” I respond. He starts to mess around with the keys, breaking into Notorious Big’s “One More Chance.”
“Neesah give me one more chance,” he sings.
“Real cute,” I giggle. “You know, for a street dude, you sure have talent,” I laugh listening to him play.
“You said something along those lines when we first met,” he chuckles.
“I know. I remember,” thinking about the memory. “Whoa.”
“What’s wrong?” He asks.
“Nothing. I think our babies hate each other. It always feels like they’re fighting in there,” I laugh. He places his hands on my stomach.
“I like how that sounds,” he says.
“How what sounds?”
“Our babies,” he responds as one of them swiftly kicks his hand. He laughs. “Have you thought of any names yet?”
“I was thinking Arden and Aiden or Adonis.”
“A’s huh? Can I get a J name? We have two. Stop being so damn selfish,” he laughs.
“What do you suggest?” I ask, playfully rolling my eyes.
“Jeffery or Jordan.”
“I am not naming my child after Michael Jordan.”
“Your mom’s a hater,” he chuckles, talking into my stomach.
“A’ight. How about Jalen, Jalil, Jaiden, Jahmer, Jasir…” he abruptly stops talking when one of the twins kicks his hand when he said Jasir. We both start cracking up.
“Coincidence?” I laugh.
“He might like it. Do you?”
“It’s okay. I think I can agree to Jasir.”
“And I like Arden.”
“So, are we doing this? Are we really naming our babies Jasir and Arden?” I smile.
“I’m in if you’re in.”
“This shit’s crazy,” I laugh.
“Did you eat? Can I take you out to dinner?”
“Are you asking me out on a date?” I smile.
“Yeah. Do you accept?”
“Well, I am kind of hungry. I can call Charlie and Rock to meet us somewhere.”
“All you need is me, baby. You know you’re safe with me.”
“Yeah…yeah…yeah…I know,” I laugh, rolling my eyes.
“Well go get ready. I’ll wait,” he says walking out the room.
“A maxi dress it is,” I mumble, thumbing through my clothes. I can’t fit anything else. I am that damn huge. I change into a peach colored, strapless maxi dress, throw my hair up into a high bun because it’s hot as shit outside, and apply light makeup to my face. When finished, I walk down the stairs and Nyce is waiting by the door playing with Biggie.
“I’m ready,” I tell him.
“You look beautiful,” he smiles. I crack a smile and we proceed outside. He helps me climb into his black on black Range Rover Evoque convertible SUV and we drive towards Burlington, NJ.
“Where are we going?” I ask.
“A little duckie spot I know of. Shouldn’t be any drama of people wanting to take your picture and what not. They have some good ass food too.”
“Sounds good. I’m starving.”
Turning on the radio, “Differences” by Ginuwine is crooning out the speakers as we both let out a smile.
“We got a lot of memories, huh?” He
asks as my mind drifts, bouncing around to the night that I lost my virginity to him and to the night I first told him I loved him. This song was playing, adding to our own personal soundtrack. This song used to be our song back in the early stages of our relationship.
“Yeah. Good, bad, and the ugly,” I answer.
“We had more good than bad though.”
“It depends on which angle you are seeing it from,” I reply, raising an eyebrow.
“Girl, stop playing. This is still going to be the first dance we dance to at our wedding.”
I roll my eyes as he lets out a chuckle. We pull up to the restaurant and he helps me out the truck. We are quickly seated after the hostess gets over her shock of seeing me in all my pregnant glory.
“How does it feel to have people obsess over you?” Nyce asks.
“It has its moments but mostly it’s annoying and obnoxious,” I laugh. “But don’t act like you don’t know how it feels to have people obsessed with you.”
“I don’t. What are you talking about?”
“Have you ever gone a day where a woman isn’t throwing herself at you?”
“Not the same thing,” he chuckles.
“Yeah, okay.” We order our meal and continue to talk and laugh at our corny jokes. I am half way through my chicken parmesan when I start to get heartburn.
“What’s wrong?” Nyce asks when I make a face.
“Heartburn,” I whine.
“Here.” He digs into his pocket and pulls out a roll of Tums.
“You carry Tums in your pocket?” I laugh.
“No. Only when I’m around a special lady,” he smirks. I shake my head and laugh, accepting the Tums out of his hands. We finish our meal and drive back home, talking and going down memory lane along the way. We settle out by the pool with Biggie lying next to us.
“I owe you a lot. Thank you for saving my life more than once and thank you for my locket. You know I love it,” I squeal, lifting it off my chest.
“What I tell you? I always got you so Holla if you need me,” he sings.
“You’re so damn corny,” I laugh.
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