Deep Surrendering

by Chelsea M. Cameron

He started walking again, and I had to rush to keep up with his long legs. I took two steps for every one of his. We’d walked to the theater on this date, since it wasn’t that far from my apartment. I wondered if Carl got the night off, or if he still had to be at the ready to drive Fin around. My mother had a driver, and the poor man was on call twenty-four hours a day, but she paid him very well, so I guessed it worked out.

  “Is everything okay? You’re acting like you did last night when you left, and we made a deal that you wouldn’t do that again.” I grabbed his hand to make him stop and face me. It was exhausting keeping up with him.

  He stopped and I nearly crashed into him. “I know I’ve been acting strangely, and I’m sorry again. Maybe this isn’t the best idea. I knew you were a bad idea the second I saw you at the bar, but I’m a sucker for educated women who aren’t afraid to say what they think. Plus, you already had the Rory Clarke Seal of Approval, so that was another bonus.”

  “So what’s the problem? Do you have some deep dark secret that you’re afraid to share with me because you think it’s going to make me run the other way?” It didn’t take a Master’s degree to figure it out. At first glance, he seemed to have his shit together, but on further inspection, there was something dark hovering beneath the surface. He just hid it well.

  “This isn’t a joke, Marisol. There are things that I could tell you that…”

  “That what?” Apart from the fact that I didn’t like him behaving so bizarrely, I was also exceedingly curious about this secret. What could be so bad? The possibilities were endless—far beyond that of a crooked penis.

  “That what, Fintan?” I hadn’t used his full first name before, but this seemed like as good a time as any.

  He leaned in close and a slow smile spread across his face that sent a shiver down my spine. “Things that would make your skin crawl.”

  For a moment, I didn’t breathe as Fin’s eyes flicked across my face, testing my reaction.

  “I’m not scared,” I said, sounding like a little girl who had just been dared to steal a pair of earrings from a store in the mall. His face moved just a breath closer. Close enough that I could count his eyelashes and smell the chocolate from the gelato on his breath.

  My entire body was screaming for him to kiss me, to touch me, to do SOMETHING to me. I’d never ached for someone more. I didn’t know I could feel this way, as if something was throbbing and growing inside me, and if I didn’t let it out, or satisfy it, it would consume me.

  It was like being on fire.

  “I’m not scared of you, Fin,” I said, my voice so quiet I didn’t even know if I’d spoken aloud.

  “You should be, sweet Marisol.” His voice caressed my name, played with it, made me think about bare skin sliding against sheets, and moans of pleasure and all manner of fantasies I’d never entertained with another person.

  “You’re so, so sweet.” He snapped his eyes closed and stepped away from me. He might as well have shoved me to the ground. “I’m going to get a cab and go back to my place. I don’t think we should see each other anymore. At least not alone. Tell Rory nice try, but we’re not…suited for one another. Goodbye.” At least he looked at me when he said it. He had the decency to do that.

  He also had the decency to hail me a cab and hand the driver a fifty to take me home, even though it was only a short walk. As the cab pulled away, I watched him standing there, silhouetted by the lights from buildings and vehicles.

  I imagined screaming at the cabbie to stop, getting out and rushing toward him, throwing my arms around his neck and kissing him passionately. But as he vanished from my view, the idea of doing that got further away, and soon I turned around and stared straight ahead.

  I had the cabbie take me right to Chloe’s place. I definitely didn’t want to be alone right now, and those damned lilacs were still at my apartment. I texted her before I got there, to make sure she wasn’t indisposed with someone before I barged in. It had happened a few times in the past.

  “Aw, babe.” She greeted me with open arms. “Men are dicks.”

  “I don’t think he’s a dick, honestly. Despite the fact that he definitely was hot one minute and cold the next and promised me he wouldn’t do it anymore, and then did it anyway.” Fin wasn’t trying to hurt me. He wasn’t trying to be an asshole. It felt like he was, but the way he’d looked at me….

  No one had ever looked at me that way before. Ever.

  Chloe was skeptical, but she played the best friend role and comforted me with her shoulder and food, wine, and bad television.

  “Do you mind if I stay over?” I asked as I finished my second glass of wine. So what if I had classes tomorrow, and one of my event planning meetings? I needed this tonight.

  “What’s mine is yours, girlfriend.” I’d thought about moving in with Chloe before, but we both really liked our own space. She was my best friend in the entire world, but I didn’t know if we could actually live with each other without it ruining the friendship. It was a risk neither of us was willing to take for the sake of lower rent.

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” She handed me a cup of tea after I’d finished the wine and she’d made a bed up for me on the couch. I had several sets of clothes here, but I’d have to go home and pick up my homework and notes before class.

  “Yeah. I’ll get over it. Good thing it ended now and not further in where feelings had actually been involved.” I tried to laugh, but it was false. My feelings had been involved. Despite only knowing the man for a few days, I’d started caring for him. Not falling. Not love. Not yet. Like. I was definitely in like with him. Deep like.

  And now it was over. Ended just as soon as it had begun. I hoped Rory wouldn’t be mad at me and it wouldn’t make things uncomfortable with her parents. They were still harboring the delusion that Rory and Fin were somehow destined to be together, and if they only wished and pushed them together hard enough, it would happen.

  “Don’t tell Rory yet, okay? I really don’t want her to feel bad for setting us up and it falling apart. Give it a few days to simmer down. I hope he doesn’t say anything to her.” Maybe I should just send him a message and ask him not to, but that would mean contacting him, and my ego was still bruised.

  Decisions, decisions.

  “Boys are awful,” I said. She patted my head sympathetically and we sat together for a while, not saying a word. Finally I told Chlo I was tired and wanted to get some sleep.

  “Goodniiiiiiight, sweeeeeeetheart,” Chloe sang as she headed to bed after giving me a huge hug. She had work the next morning, so I didn’t even need to set an alarm to make sure I got up.

  As I closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep, all I saw were Fin’s eyes, and that smile. And the words. Things that would make your skin crawl.

  What things? What kind of things could he possibly think would make me feel that way? There were a myriad of possibilities.

  I spent most of the night going through them, and by the time Chloe came to wake me up, I was no closer to figuring it out. Maybe if I knew him better, but I didn’t. Hell, I hadn’t even known him for a week.

  Fintan Herald was a mystery. A sexy mystery wrapped in a dark riddle. Delicious as chocolate and just as addicting, and very bad for my health.

  Midway through my Social Contexts of Education class, I made the decision. I texted Fin and asked him not to tell Rory that her plan to set us up had imploded. Well, I didn’t put it exactly like that in the text. I tried to be more…discreet.

  As I headed to get some coffee before my next class, I nearly crashed into someone who wasn’t watching where they were going.

  “Oh, I’m sorry,” I started to say, but then I looked up and saw exactly who I’d crashed into.

  “Are you stalking me? Is that your dirty little secret?” Why did that sound so sexy when I said it out loud? There was definitely something to mysterious guys being more attractive than guys who put it all out there.

  “I wasn’t stalking you. Um, gently followi
ng would be the better term.” For the first time since I’d met him, he seemed unsure. Nervous.

  “So remember last night when I said all those things and then put you in a cab and sent you away? Could you maybe…forget that happened?” I almost laughed at how sweet he sounded. There was a little bit of awkward hidden under the polished clothing and perfect smile.

  “I don’t know. Give me a reason to.” He pulled me aside, up against the corner of the building. My skin tingled with anticipation, and I could feel that ache racing through my body just like it had last night.

  I was no virgin, and I’d had my share of pleasurable sexual experiences. But I’d never wanted anyone the way I wanted Fin. Like I’d die if I couldn’t have him, which was ridiculous. No one ever died from lack of sex. That I knew of.

  “You’ve completely wrecked me, Marisol. Destroyed me from the second I met you. I can’t stop thinking about you. You’ve made work very difficult, I’ll have you know.” Like it was my fault because I was so sexy and so seductive. The thought was almost ludicrous. I’d be laughing if I could actually breathe.

  He was dismantling me with his words. No one had ever said such things to me. I didn’t know men outside of movies and/or romance novels that said such things, and not to girls like me. Not to girls like me that they’d just met.

  “I’d like to try this with you. If you want. We can take things slow. As slow as you want, and we’ll cross any bridges we need to cross when we need to cross them. I’m not making much sense, am I?” He reached up and touched my face so lightly, but I held his hand there so he wouldn’t take it away, wouldn’t pull back from me.

  His body pressed up against mine, pushing me into the cool brick of the building. The uneven surface scraped against my back. I wondered what it would be like if we did more up against this brick wall. Would it leave a mark?

  “Well, I could blame you for the fact that I learned next to nothing in the class I just attended, and I didn’t get any sleep last night either. What do you have to say to that?”

  A smile flitted across his mouth. “I say…want to get some coffee?”

  “And I say, don’t you have somewhere else to be?” He shook his head slowly and stepped away from me, but offered me his hand. “I don’t want to be anywhere but here with you.”

  I knew I was letting him get away with being sweet to me now to make up for being not so sweet last night. For the second time. But I took his hand as we walked down the street to the Starbucks, hoping that this time he wouldn’t run away. This time he would keep being sweet.

  Coffee was perfect, but it ended too quickly.

  “When can I see you again?” he asked. I wanted to tell him that I was free that night, but it was probably a good idea to let things cool for a day or two, see if I could wrap my head around everything that had happened. Get my hormones under control, if that was even possible.

  “I’ll let you know.” It was one of those old tricks. Always leave them wanting more. I’d never played those kinds of games before. I’d never been in a situation where I had the chance to. But something told me that Fin liked to play games. Back and forth. Yes and no. I’d always avoided guys like him in the past. Too complicated.

  “You don’t have to play hard to get. You’re already unattainable,” he said as we finished our coffees.

  “I’m here with you, aren’t I? How am I unattainable?” That was crazy talk. He was the one who lived on a different planet.

  “I said you were sweet, and I meant it. You’re sweet and lovely and much too good for someone like me.” There he went again. Mr. Dark and Twisty. “I’m going to ruin you, you know.”

  Ruin me?

  I gave him a look as he walked me back toward the building where my next class was.

  “Maybe I want to be ruined a little.” If he was doing the ruining.

  He shook his head slowly. “I’ll see you later.”

  “See you later.” I definitely would. He didn’t scare me.

  That much.

  Sloane called me as I was rushing to my meeting for the Animal Rescue League of Boston. We were organizing a large Adopt-a-Pet Day and I was in charge of finding a venue.

  “Hey, Sloane. I can’t talk, I’m late, but what’s up?” She wouldn’t have called if it wasn’t important. She would have just texted me.

  “Hey, chica. I’m just calling because I’m a little worried about Rory. I think there’s something weird going on with her and Lucas, and I thought maybe we should talk to her about it. Or just be there, or whatever. You know. Do the friend thing.” I waited for the little electronic man on the crosswalk sign to tell me that I wasn’t going to be flattened by a cab before crossing to the other side of the street. I was seriously late at this point.

  “Okay, what did you have in mind?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe I’m just being crazy. Things are nuts at work and I’ve had too much coffee, and I’ve started doing that thing where I create problems just so I can solve them, you know?” I was more than familiar with this version of Sloane. Unlike most people, who maybe just got a little hyper on caffeine, Sloane was like a kid high on sugar. And crack. It worked for her since she was in a creative industry, but she might want to tone it down a bit. I told her as much.

  “Okay, fine. No big deal. But I have another set for you to try on. I’m messengering it over to your apartment. You’d better have a date in the next week, hopefully with a lovely young man named Fin?”

  “Look, hun, I don’t have time to get to that right now, but I will call you later. Promise.” I hung up and dashed to the elevator before she could say anything else.

  Everyone stared at me as I rushed into the room, trying to pull my folder of potential locations out of my bag and sit in my seat at the same time. “Sorry I’m late,” I gasped, finally releasing my folder from my purse’s clutches. I got a few glares, but for the most part everyone got back on track as Barbara, the head of our group, called our meeting to order.

  Once again, I tried to focus on the task at hand, but all I could think of was how itchy my fingers were to text Fin and tell him I was free tonight so I could rush home and put on the lingerie Sloane had sent me. Even if he wasn’t going to see it, since we were taking things slow. There was something wonderful about wearing beautiful underwear.

  I was able to get my head out of FinLand for enough time to do my little presentation, after which there was a lot of haggling and going back and forth about locations. Inside was nearly impossible with the amount of animals we had, so outside seemed logical to me, but that would require renting a tent, or finding someone who would donate one, which was always tricky.

  We voted and the meeting adjourned. It was now up to me to find a tent company who would give us a discounted rate, or donate for the good of puppies and kittens, and report back next week. Fortunately, I already had a good rapport with several companies. Occupational hazard of doing a lot of charity work.

  My stomach screamed at me, begging for food. I realized I hadn’t had anything since lunch. I wished I were one of those girls who could not eat for hours and subsist on air, but I definitely wasn’t.

  I texted Chloe, but she was stuck at work, and Sloane was busy. I didn’t really want to see Rory because she was bound to ask questions about Fin, and I didn’t really want to deal with that yet.

  I had two options. Dine alone or break that little promise I’d made to myself mere hours ago to play hard to get. To give us some space. I didn’t want to be one of those girls who just caved for a man. No way. I’d dined alone thousands of times and I could do it again. Yes I could.

  To prove that I could do it, I took a cab home and went straight to my fridge to cook myself some dinner. Dinner for one. Just me. No one else.

  I still had the lilacs on my counter. They’d had significance for me before I met Fin, and they would after whatever this was ended. Lilacs were mine. I shouldn’t have told him those were my favorite flowers. Ah, well. Couldn’t do anything about it now.
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  I put together a quick chicken Caesar salad with some chopped fruit and a glass of wine.

  I turned on the television and found a marathon of Parks and Recreation. Perfect. Leslie Knope was a strong, independent woman for me to emulate. She’d stand her ground against a sexy man.

  I inhaled my salad and finished my wine, and decided it was a dessert night, so I pulled out a mini cheesecake from the freezer and let it thaw.

  While I was waiting, I pulled out my phone and started spinning it on the counter. I wasn’t normally this bad about being by myself.

  My phone buzzed with a new message, dancing away from my hands. I picked it up and saw that it was a message from Fin.

  Could you give me a ballpark of when I can see you again?

  I bit my lip to stop myself from smiling. I shouldn’t be smiling. I should be mad at him for contacting me when I said I would let him know. Mad. I should be mad.

  You really are going for stalker status.

  There. Let him make something of that.

  I can’t help it if I want to see you.

  Yes, he could. He could very well help it. Who was in charge here?

  What happened to taking it slow? ME telling YOU when we we’d see each other again?

  There was a long pause and I chewed on my thumbnail as I waited.

  I’m impatient.

  I rolled my eyes and decided to just call him.

  “You know, you’re not doing anything to help build your case for getting to see me again,” I said by way of a greeting.

  “Says who? I’m talking to you, aren’t I? You responded to my texts, didn’t you?” I almost wished he was here so I could smack the smirk I knew was on his face right off it.

  “That doesn’t mean I’m not going to change my number and never call you again.”

  “I know where you live.”

  “I’ll move.” I was totally bluffing and we both knew that, but at least he was enough of a gentleman to not point it out.