Deep Surrendering

by Chelsea M. Cameron

  “It seems like you’ve made your decision, so I’ll leave now. I understand if you don’t want to see me again. I won’t contact you. I promise you this time. Goodbye, Marisol.” He got up and headed toward the door. I had only a few seconds to make my decision.

  “Wait. Don’t go.”

  My head told me I was insane. That this was a bad idea. That he was wrong for me, no good for me, dangerous for me.

  But all those thoughts went away when I saw his face as he turned back around.

  “Are you sure? Because there will be no going back. This is your decision. I will respect it.” His eyes were completely unreadable. I could tell he was trying not to influence my decision. Oh, but he did. If he wasn’t here, in the flesh, saying no to him would be a hell of a lot easier.

  I probably still wouldn’t be able to.

  “Stay. Please.”

  He exhaled slowly. “Okay.”

  Be careful what you ask for.

  Once Fin decided he was going to stay, I had no idea what to do. With him or me.

  “I’m all yours. Do what you will, Marisol. I’m yours to command.” He came back over and sat on the couch, a smile playing on his lips. He was definitely pleased that I’d asked him to stay. It was a shift from the guy he’d been a few minutes ago. He was hard to keep up with.

  “Oh, it’s up to me, is it? And you’ll do whatever I want?”

  He nodded slowly. “Whatever you want.”

  I tapped my chin and got up from the couch, walking until I was standing behind him. “I’ve never been in this predicament before. The mind reels with possibilities.” I leaned down until my head was right next to his. He turned to the side so we were almost face-to-face.

  “You should know that I don’t give up control easily. So be careful with this newfound power. It might go to your lovely head.”

  “Absolute power corrupts absolutely,” I said, moving my mouth toward his.

  “Correct,” he said before I kissed him. I hadn’t really decided what was going to happen. I was going to start with kissing and see where it went. I wasn’t going to take anything off the table. But if we just made out and cuddled on the couch, that would be fine. If more happened? I’d have to reevaluate when we got there. If I had enough brain cells that weren’t otherwise occupied.

  Fin pulled away from my mouth and I looked at him in surprise.

  “I’m clean, by the way. Just went to the doctor a week ago. In case you were worried.” I’d sort of forgotten about it, which was probably not a good thing. I’d never really had to think about it since most of the guys I’d been with I’d known for a long time and dealt with that part long before sex was ever on the table. Tonight, everything was on the table.

  I shivered in anticipation and something leaped in my chest, eager to be set free.

  “Thank you for that. I appreciate it. I’m okay too. In case you were wondering.” I’d had a physical six months ago and hadn’t been with anyone since. Ouch. It hurt to think about how long it had been. Would I even still know what to do?

  I didn’t know how many women Fin had been with. I didn’t even want to ask. I didn’t want to know. Why was I thinking about this? I didn’t want to be analyzing this decision.

  So I went back to kissing him. I tried to start slow, but before I knew it, I was climbing over the back of the couch and into his lap. Our mouths began the give and take, our hands searching and reaching and caressing. We were still learning about each other. Testing and teasing. I found he liked it when I sucked on his bottom lip. He found that I liked when he tugged on my hair a little.

  The kiss grew more frantic, more demanding. So did our hands. They started worrying at our clothing, which was now a nuisance. Fin’s hands moved from my head to the hem of my shirt, sliding underneath and making my skin burst into goosebumps. It had actually been a good idea to go braless. It meant that there was nothing standing in the way of his hands and my breasts. Sloane would be pissed at me.

  He hesitated for a brief moment before pushing his hands all the way under my shirt and upward.

  “Mmm,” he hummed against my lips as his fingers found my nipples. Then it was my turn to moan as he pinched them between his fingers. I arched against his hands, pulling back from the kiss.

  He pinched my nipples again, but harder this time, actually digging in his fingernails a bit. It was a bright burst of pain, but I gasped in pleasure and looked down at him.

  “Do you like that?” he said, his eyes lust-clouded again. He pinched again and I pushed closer to him. Yes, I definitely liked it.

  Every guy I’d been with—and the list was short—had been pretty vanilla. Nothing too exciting, nothing too unusual. Most of the time I faked it so I could just go to sleep. Sex had never been all that exciting for me. I’d thought maybe there was something wrong with me, but it appeared it was just the guys. Or maybe it was the combination of me and the guys. They didn’t know how to push my buttons.

  But Fin. Oh, Fin.

  He was pushing buttons I didn’t even know I had. With him I felt…fierce. Seductive. Wild. Ready to throw him down on my floor and tear his clothes off, buttons flying everywhere. I wanted my legs in the air, his head between them, and my voice moaning his name.

  I wanted him. Right now. I didn’t care about anything else. If the apartment caught fire, I wouldn’t leave until we were done.

  Grabbing his shirt, I tried to pour everything into my kiss as he lifted my shirt over my head, exposing my top half.

  He stared at me for a moment, drinking me in. I wished I could capture that look and save it. Keep it in a jar by my bedside, and whenever I was feeling unsexy or frumpy or fat, I could take it out and relive it.

  He opened his mouth to say something but then closed it, instead moving his head forward until it rested between my breasts. He inhaled deeply and then looked up at me.

  I had never been more naked than I was in that very moment.

  “You are so lovely.”

  I believed him. And he was pretty lovely with his lips red and swollen from our violent kisses, and his hair in disarray from my fingers. I also realized that I was without my shirt, but he still had his on.

  I ran my hands through his hair, down his neck and to his shirt, where I started working on the buttons.

  “No,” he said, holding my hands to stop me. “I want to keep my shirt on.” His voice had a little bit of an edge to it that it hadn’t a moment before.

  I looked at him, confused as he took my hands and moved them so they were around his neck, before dipping his head and taking one of my nipples into his mouth, sucking hard. Hadn’t he said I was the one in control?

  That was one way to get me to stop trying to take his shirt off. He bit down a little, and like with his fingernails, that little nip of pain made me moan again. How had no guy ever tried this on me before?

  “Do you like that?” he asked, blowing on my erect nipple.

  “Yes,” I said as he moved to give the other nipple the same treatment. Energy and power coiled inside me, concentrating before flowing out to my limbs and my fingers and my toes like liquid fire.

  Fin kissed down my stomach and started to push down on the waistband of my pants.

  Hold on. I wasn’t getting naked when he hadn’t even taken his shirt or shoes off. I went for his buttons again.

  “No, Marisol. Don’t make me ask you again.” His voice was dark and commanding. I’d never heard it like that. He looked up at me and his eyes were just as serious. Was this what he meant?

  “This why I told you I would ruin you. Because when I’m with you like this, I’m in control. This is how it has to be. I can’t be any other way than I am. I know I said you were in control, but I can’t do things that way. I’m sorry.”

  I opened my mouth to say something, but I didn’t know what to say. This was another one of those moments when he’d changed. Changed into someone I didn’t know how to deal with. What to say, what to do. I was completely thrown off balance, a
nd now I had to struggle to catch my breath.

  “Do you understand? Yes or no?” Could I do this? Could I let myself be vulnerable with him this way?

  “Why?” I couldn’t stop myself from asking the question. As someone who had no particular sexual preferences or desires, other than that my partner be male and have a penis, I guessed I’d never really explored or experimented.

  Chloe always teased me that that’s what my slutty college years were for, but since I was technically still in college, I still had a chance.

  Was this my chance? My chance to take a risk, to take a chance?

  “Why do I need control? That is a long story and I'm not sure if I’m ready to share it. Can you do this with me? I promise I will make it worth your while.” Finally, I got a smile.

  It was a possessive smile. A wolfish smile.

  “What happens if I want to stop?” I definitely needed a way out. Just in case.

  “You’d like to have a safeword. Naturally. Pick one and only use it if you want me to stop. Make sure it’s a word you wouldn’t normally say during sex.” He had clearly done this before. I tried not to think about how many times and with whom. This was what he’d warned me about.

  “Have you chosen your safeword?” I was trying to think of one while simultaneously trying not to notice that I was completely topless and straddling a man I’d known for less than a week.

  “I’m thinking,” I said. “You should have told me about this a few hours ago. I can’t just come up with one on the spot.”

  He stared at me.

  “What?”

  “Nothing, just…” And he buried his face in my chest again, his body shaking. What was happening? Then a sound escaped.

  “Are you laughing?”

  He lifted his head and there was the goofy guy who had handed me a rubber duck. My apprehension about giving myself to him sexually lessened a bit.

  “This is not a laughing matter. This is serious. I have to pick the right safeword. It’s an important thing,” I said.

  “And what would you know about safewords, sweet Marisol?” His hands moved up and pinched my nipples again. He was trying to distract me.

  “Maybe I’m not as sweet as you think I am?” In truth, Chloe had lent me a popular romance novel that had mentioned them.

  “Oh no, I think you’re every bit as sweet as I think you are. Maybe even sweeter. Ripe for the plucking.” Did I want to be plucked? I was supposed to be deciding on my safeword. I looked around my apartment for inspiration and my eyes found the bottle with the lilacs in it.

  “Lilac,” I said.

  “Lilac is your safeword.”

  “Yes.”

  He smiled again. “Excellent choice. Do you understand that you can use that word anytime I push you too far? And that you’re not scared to use it with me?”

  “I understand.”

  “Good. Now. I’m going to undress you.” He moved me off his lap and laid me on the couch next to him before turning and lying across me.

  “I could take you in the bedroom, but I want you here. So I’m going to take you here.” I nodded, my breath coming quick again.

  He slid down my body and started pulling my leggings down. I watched his face as he uncovered me, pulling down my underwear with the leggings until I was completely exposed.

  “I love a natural girl,” he said. Rory had tried to talk me into getting waxed, but I was uncomfortable about a woman I didn’t know going near my vagina with hot wax.

  Fin removed my leggings and tossed them aside. I shivered, but not because I was cold. I was waiting. For what, I didn’t know.

  He moved back up to my mouth and smoothed back my hair.

  “I’m going to make sure you enjoy this. Promise.” He kissed my forehead so softly, then the tip of my nose, both cheeks, my chin, and then the corners of my lips. It was terribly frustrating.

  “This is all part of it, Marisol. The anticipation.”

  Sure, okay. I tried to be patient as he gave me feather-light kisses on my lips, pulling away as soon as I tried to kiss him back.

  “Stop that,” he said sharply, and my eyes flew open. The guy who had laughed at my safeword deliberation was gone again. He moved away from my lips, to my neck where he nipped and sucked his way down to my collarbone. I pushed against him, moving my hands up the back of his head to his hair, twisting it around my fingers.

  “Since this is your first time, I’ll go easy on you. But usually I don’t allow women to touch me unless I say so.” What? Was he serious?

  “Why?”

  “Don’t ask questions,” he snapped before kissing between my breasts and going back to my nipples. That was definitely the surest way to shut me up. As his mouth worked my upper half, one of his hands skimmed lower, moving between my thighs.

  “You might be sweet, but you definitely want this. I can feel how wet you are already.” His thumb rubbed my clit while his other fingers plunged inside me.

  I gasped in surprise as his fingers filled me.

  “Don’t worry, I’ll get you ready. You’ll be screaming my name before I come inside you. And I will come inside you. Understand?”

  “Yes.” I was lost in a haze as his mouth and hand worked. I squirmed, wanting something, but not knowing what.

  Release. Something was building in me, and if it didn’t let go, I was going to die from it. Maybe that was dramatic, but I couldn’t put it any other way.

  He moved his fingers in and out of me, picking up the pace before he slowed again and removed his fingers. “You see that?” He held his fingers up and they glistened with wetness.

  “Yes.”

  “Taste yourself.” He pushed his fingers into my mouth. I was falling apart and lost and I didn’t even know who I was anymore.

  He moved me down the couch, and then settled his head between my thighs and licked me up and down in one long stroke.

  My legs shook and everything inside me pulsed with want.

  “You will not come yet. You will come when I say so, and I’ll know if you try to lie to me.”

  How the hell was I supposed to do that? I couldn’t control when it happened. At least, I’d never tried. I couldn’t just orgasm on command. “What if I can’t?” I asked, even though I knew questions were probably prohibited.

  “You will. Stop asking questions.” He smacked me lightly on the inside of my thigh. Was that going to be part of it? I didn’t know if I was ready for that.

  If I wanted, I could use my safeword and this would end. He’d leave, and I’d go to bed, and whenever one of my friends asked about Fin, I’d tell them that it didn’t work out. He might be in charge, but I had the power to make him stop. As if he sensed my hesitation, he looked up at me as he slowly kissed my clit.

  My back arched into his mouth and I was lost again.

  Fin went back to work, kissing and licking with his tongue, but then he added his hand, plunging inside me with three fingers. I felt stretched, but not uncomfortable.

  I was inches away from a violent orgasm.

  “Not yet. I told you, not yet. Not until I say,” he growled, thrusting harder with his fingers.

  “I can’t help it,” I panted, trying to get control of my body. It didn’t want to be controlled.

  That earned me another smack, and somehow that loosed my orgasm. I cried out, but he clamped his hand over my mouth.

  “I told you not yet.” He was angry. Really angry. He’d gone all the way to the level of pissed.

  As I came down from my orgasm, he continued to stare at me, searching for something.

  The anger melted from his eyes and he pushed himself away from me with so much force, he almost fell of the couch. “I’m sorry. I can’t.”

  What?

  I pushed myself up on my elbows, still in a post-orgasmic haze. He was the one who’d initiated this, who’d told me what he wanted. Granted, I hadn’t really followed his rules, but this was my first time. I wasn’t going to be perfect.

  “Why?” />
  He grabbed his coat and shoved his arm through one of the sleeves, but didn’t bother to do the other. It was a replay from just the other night, when he’d bolted.

  Fin backed away from me like I’d just developed a highly contagious disease. “I can’t do this with you. Not now, not ever. Goodbye, Marisol. I’m so, so sorry.”

  And before I could throw my clothes on, he was slamming my door.

  And now a bonus scene from

  Fin’s point of view . . .

  She was absolutely lovely. Lovely in a way that she was completely unaware of which only made it worse. Add that to the fact she seemed completely captivated by me, and it was all I could do not to take her hand and drag her out of the smoky bar.

  But I couldn’t do what I wanted with this girl. She was Rory’s friend, and she was innocent. No, she wasn’t a virgin (that I knew of), but she definitely hadn’t experienced the kind of sex that I would want to have with her. It would change her. It had changed me.

  Listening to her voice bubble out of her sweet mouth and see her eyes flash when she talked about her graduate studies made me wish I was passionate about something. Well, something other than fucking and obsessively collecting books wherever I went.

  “I’m so sorry, I’ve been talking your ear off,” she said, fiddling with one of her earrings. It was dark, but I could still see the blush that spread on her cheeks.

  “It’s okay, I don’t mind.” She could talk to me about paint drying and I’d listen. She laughed nervously and licked her lips. I wanted to taste those lips. I wanted to do a lot of things with those lips. No, I couldn’t think of her that way. She wasn’t that kind of girl. Marisol was the kind of girl my mother would want me to marry. Sweet. Compliant. Would look the other way when I inevitably strayed from my wedding vows and sought an outlet for my “depravity.” Just like my father did with my mother.

  I didn’t want to think about my father. Thinking about him made me have dark thoughts, and those dark thoughts led to dark desires. I was going to have to visit Sapphire before my trip was out. Of all the women I’d been with, she always seemed to know what I wanted and how to give it to me. Plus, she always seemed to know when I was coming and had a room at her club ready for me. She was worth every cent.