Later, when we’re lying in bed together, Idaline asks for a secret. Will we ever reach a point where we won’t have any more secrets to share? In a way, I hope not. That’s a part of who we are and it seems like a tradition of sorts.
“I wouldn’t change anything about us or how we finally got together, even though it hasn’t gone as smoothly as I would’ve liked. What’s yours?”
Her mouth opens, but she hesitates and closes it. I nudge her chin in encouragement. “Not that I’m not completely happy with how we are now, but I miss how we used write to each other.”
“Then find us a pen and paper and we’ll write something.”
Idaline’s eyes light up. A few minutes later, we’re writing letters to one another. I’m still in the bedroom, but Idaline found it too weird to write next to me, so she moved to another room.
Idaline,
I wasn’t really prepared to write anything today, so I’m not sure what I’ll end up saying. I do think this is a great idea of yours. I’ve always felt I could say anything to you, but that is especially true when writing a letter. Is that true for you too? It’s as if having this blank page allows for endless opportunities to write down the even the darkest of truths.
I’m sure you know all of my truths already. I love that we have that kind of relationship. I know I’ve told you before that I couldn’t live my life without you, and that is especially true now. You help hold me up, take care of Sawyer, and constantly remind me of all the reasons for me to stay on track and work harder to be better than the day before.
I’ll admit it isn’t easy to stay sober. The thirst is there every day and more prominent when I’m stressed. The temptation to slip into this person I don’t want to be has been strong at times. But I think about Sawyer and I think about you. That’s enough to pull me through.
Thank you for moving here and thank you for being the strongest person I know. I have no doubts that I would be worse off without you. You bring so much light into my life. Sawyer has no clue yet how much he’s going to love what you’ll bring to his life, too. I can so clearly see our future, it’s a bit scary.
Sawyer has you as a mom. Maybe you’ll move in when your lease is up. Or we can find a place of our own, whatever you want. We’ll get married in a few years. Maybe we’ll give Sawyer a little brother or sister after that. We’ll spend time together. Maybe take the kids on a little trip or two. Have a few more kids. Like five? How does that sound? Let’s make a bunch of little yous and mes until we can’t handle their adorable rottenness.
But there’s time for that. Don’t think I want to knock you up right now. The three of us still need some time alone together. I’m just saying that’s our future, love. I hope you’re ready for it.
Love you to the ends of the world,
FC
Just as I write my name, and feel kind of silly about it, Idaline peeks her head in.
“Done?”
“Yeah. Get back over here and let’s read them.”
She takes her sweet time walking over and crawling onto the bed. Once she’s settled, we exchange letters and begin to read.
FC,
Thank you. Thank you for indulging me as often as you do. Thank you for helping me through my hard times and being the one person I can always count on. I’m so happy I’ve moved here and despite what’s happened, I wouldn’t change the fact that I’m here and you no longer have to deal with Lila.
But, and I feel bad for saying this, do you wonder if we’re too messed up for one another? Part of me feels like we benefit each other more, yet another part feels like maybe we’re only a hindrance to ourselves and our relationship. Maybe this is all my fault because I had this idea of us all built up in my head and reality proves to be tougher on us than I ever knew possible.
There’s just this little voice in the back of my mind that wants to strangle my soul. Convince it that we aren’t soulmates. Convince it that my soul wraps so tightly around yours, it’s killing you and causing you to suffer and vice versa. I keep thinking about how we worked so well together before I moved here and now, it’s as if we can’t stop the boat from sinking with all of our problems.
I love you so much, FC. Sometimes, I worry we love each other so much that we can’t see that maybe we aren’t good for one another. That somehow we’ve mistaken ourselves and cause more harm than good. I don’t know why I can’t get this out of my head, but maybe now that I’ve written it down, I can stop thinking about it and forget I ever thought it.
Love, Idaline
“What the fuck is this?” FC asks with confusion and hurt, clasping the letter angrily.
That was the reaction I was afraid of. Before I can respond, FC snatches his letter out of my hands.
“I write you this positive, awesome letter and you give me this shit about how we’re basically toxic for each other? What the hell, Idaline? Where is this coming from? We aren’t bad for one another!” he shouts as he gets out of bed to pace. He glances down at the letter, skimming those damning words. “First, you tell me moving here is the best decision and then you talk about how I apparently didn’t live up to your expectations once we fucked and then you say, ‘I keep thinking about how we worked so well together before I moved here and now, it’s as if we can’t stop the boat from sinking with all of our problems’? So, we don’t work well together? Fucking how do we not? Damn it, Idaline!”
Why couldn’t I write a letter like his? Why did I have to go and admit a fear?
“Why do you fucking think we’re bad for each other?” he snaps. “After all this time, Idaline, all this time of working toward being right where we are and you’re going to second guess us? Hesitate about the only thing that has ever felt right in our lives? Has always felt right?” He shakes his head. “I can’t believe you would do this to me.”
FC turns and I hurry to follow him out of the bedroom. “Wait, FC. It’s not as bad as it sounds.”
He whirls around and shoves the letter at my chest. “Maybe you should read what you wrote and then see if you want to say that again.” He grabs his keys off the kitchen counter and walks to the door.
“Where are you going?” I holler. “You’re half naked!” He’s only wearing gym shorts.
“I’m going to my parents’. You should go home,” he says as he walks out of the apartment, and then he slams the door behind him.
What the hell just happened?
All I wanted to do was express this fear of mine. A fear I’m pretty sure is irrational, but sometimes with my anxiety, it’s hard to tell what’s irrational and what isn’t. How can he simply get so angry and leave? We didn’t even talk about it; I got yelled out and he left. That’s not what I wanted.
What do I do now? Stay? Leave? Go to my apartment? Head over to his parents’ house? Freak out? That sounds like the most likely scenario.
My stomach churns while I get ready for bed, deciding to stay put. But standing at the edge of FC’s bed is as far as I get. It doesn’t feel right to get in without him here. To sleep in his bed when he’s so angry at me. Instead, I grab a pillow and settle on the couch. Hopefully, he’ll return tonight and we can get this fixed.
Or maybe I permanently broke us?
I toss and turn all night, becoming more and more worried when FC doesn’t return to his apartment. I watch TV. I read. I close my eyes and count sheep, but it’s not until five in the morning when I finally doze off. Some time later, my rolling around lands me on the floor. I’m so frustrated and tired, I simply fix my pillow and stay put. What’s the point?
At some point, I hear sshing and feel myself being lifted, which startles me awake.
“Moving you to my bed is all,” FC tells me. “Where you should’ve been anyway.”
“Didn’t feel right,” I mumble back as he lays me down.
He studies me for a moment. A long moment that feels like it might turn into something big and maybe even life-changing. But then he says, “Go back to sleep, love,” and turns, walking out of th
e bedroom, closing the door behind him.
At least he called me love. That’s a good sign, right?
I sleep for a little while longer, but awake to the sound of FC pushing his dresser away from the wall, Sawyer standing about a foot behind him. “What are you doing?” I ask. But then he stands upright again and there’s a dull silver flask in his hand. I gasp as I jump out of bed and run over to him. “How long has that been there?” I snatch the flask from his grasp, feeling the weight of the liquor and his demise inside. “Have you been drinking all this time?”
The hurt that immediately passes over FC’s face causes me to regret my question. His shoulders sag in defeat. “Open it,” he orders quietly, the anger now gone from his tone. I do as he said. “Drink it.”
My eyes widen. “I can’t!” Everyone knows that alcohol and medication don’t mix.
He snatches it back and takes a swig.
“FC! Why would you do that? Are you crazy?” I yell. He can’t. Why? Oh my god. FC picks up Sawyer who reaches for it. This can’t be happening. FC lets Sawyer take a sip. “What are you doing?” I screech as I yank the flask away from both of their hands. This doesn’t make sense. Why would FC do that to Sawyer?
He wouldn’t.
FC is calm as ever as he stares me down. Sawyer looks confused and pouts now that his drink is gone. I don’t understand. I lift the container and sniff. Nothing. FC raises an eyebrow, daring me to drink it. With a deep breath, I take a tiny sip. “What the fuck?” I blurt out. “It’s water!” Relief floods my veins, but also some fury.
“Yeah, it is,” FC confirms. “Do you really think I’d let Sawyer drink tequila?”
“No, but why are you hiding water in a flask?”
“Because when the urge is really bad, I find my flask and drink from it. My eyes see a flask and my brain think it’s getting tequila. The disappointment of water gives me a moment to reorient myself. Hell, at the very least, I can hold it and pretend there really is tequila in there. But there isn’t. I won’t fail Sawyer or you again.”
He kisses Sawyer’s head and then pulls something out of his pocket, causing me to notice he’s dressed in jeans and a T-shirt now. My breath catches in my throat when I see a wedding band. “It’s Nana’s. I went to see her this morning and she gave it to me.” FC’s tone hardens as he drops to one knee. “Don’t look at me like I can’t propose right now.”
“We haven’t even reached a stable point yet, FC.”
“Exactly,” he confirms with a nod. Sawyer sits on his knee, watching this disaster unfold in front of him. “This is the perfect time. Idaline, our life isn’t a fucking fairytale. It never has been and it probably won’t ever be. We struggle and we work damn hard to make this work, to survive the hand life dealt us. The only reason we’ve made it this far is because we have one another helping support us and hold us up. This,” he holds the ring higher, “doesn’t mean we have to get married any time soon.
“It’s a promise. A promise that we’re in this until our hair grays. I’ll commit to you on the worst day of my life, on the lowest day of our relationship, because I fucking love you and I don’t want to walk through this life without you. I don’t need sunshine and glittery unicorn shit to want to be with you or be convinced that we work together.
“And neither do you,” he adds quietly, his gaze as fierce as ever. “Your anxiety won’t win this battle, Idaline. And if you still aren’t convinced, let me tell you about a dream I had once that still haunts me whenever I wonder if there’s still a possibility that we might not stay together forever. I was still with Lila and it was soon after I found out she was pregnant, I believe. I was with her, holding her hand, and on the other side of the room was you and next to you was your soul.
“My soul left me behind to be with yours. The dread, hollowness, and overwhelming emptiness I felt still makes me sick to my stomach. We are meant to be, Idaline. You know that as good as I do. Don’t you?” he asks, his voice hitching a little with worry. The ring still held high in the air.
With a steadiness I’ve never had before, I extend my left hand. FC’s grin nearly blinds me with the happiness shining from it. He slides the ring onto my finger before standing to kiss me. It’s almost like our first kiss. Knee-weakening, heart-pounding, immediately horny, falling head over heels, can’t get him close enough kind of kiss.
“DaDa!” Sawyer shouts, hitting my leg for attention while adding on a few more words I can’t quite make out.
FC pulls away. “I knew a good speech would pull you around.”
“So why propose now?” I question with curiosity as I pick Sawyer up.
“Because it felt like the time for us and it honestly seemed more fitting to ask now than during a good time. For better or worse, love. I don’t care what we’re going through, what worries you have, or any other troubles. As long as you’re there, things aren’t quite as bad and we can survive it.” He kisses my cheek and I rest my forehead against his when he pulls away.
“You’re too good for me, you know.”
He grins. “So are you. I’m sorry I kind of blew up on you last night, but I wasn’t expecting what you wrote.”
I shrug. “It’s okay.” I was expecting some of it anyway.
“Let’s eat and do something together today. How does that sound?”
That sounds perfect. FC is more committed than yesterday and he’s reminded me that I’m as committed as he is. That’s what I have to remember. For better or worse, we see each other through and neither of us plans to go anywhere.
My parents are thrilled and not surprised in the least when I call them about my engagement. They want me to plan a gathering so they can come up and meet the rest of FC’s family. Mom also wants to know when I’m moving in with FC because “there’s no sense in having your own apartment now that you’re an engaged woman, Idaline.”
That’s something I’ll have to talk to FC about. I’m a little worried about such a thing, but at the same time, I’m ready to pack my bags. After work, though, I drive over to Nana’s house. Her ring is simply beautiful. It’s a bit showy, but has a classic look in it. My favorite thing about it is that it came from her.
“Oh, Idaline! What a surprise. Come in, come in,” she says upon opening her front door. “I see you’re engaged now.” She winks at me.
“Yeah, that’s kind of what I’m here about.”
“Oh?” she questions as I sit at her kitchen table and she worries over fixing us something to drink. “What’s going on, dear?”
I glance down at this ring I adore and then up at the woman I adore even more. “Are you sure you want me to have it and wear it?”
Nana sits down, handing me a glass of tea. “Idaline, dear, of course. When FC came over that morning and was telling me about y’all’s little spat and how he knew it was time to get more serious and propose, I offered him my ring before he could even get to the thought about how he needed one. I’m so happy you are part of our family and will be in FC’s life. My grandson carries the name of my husband, Freeley, and unfortunately, they never met. It would be an honor to pass that down to the two of you.” She sits up a little straighter. “Now, if you’d rather not accept, that is perfectly okay, too. I won’t mind one bit.”
“No, no,” I rush to say. “I love the idea and it’s an honor to wear it. I just wanted to make sure you were really sure about giving it away.”
Nana pats my hand with a smile. “I’m not giving it away, dear. Simply passing it on to someone who will do justice to what it stands for just as I did. Maybe one day you can do the same.”
Tears spill from the corners of my eyes. I can’t help but burst from my chair and hug the old lady. “Thank you so much, Nana.”
“You’re welcome, my dear. I know you’ll take good care of my grandson and great-grandchildren.” She winks again.
I spend some time with Nana, even staying for dinner. She loves the company and I won’t be one to deny her such a thing. FC calls me as I’m leaving.
“I was visiting with Nana and I’m just leaving. Everything is fine. How was your day at work?”
We talk about our days, which passed pretty much as normal for a bit, before I bring up my conversation with my parents.
“They want to meet your family and come up here for like a family gathering.”
“That sounds nice.” Yet FC sighs.
“What is it?” I ask.
“Maybe we should invite Karen and Bobby. This is essentially so everyone can get to know everyone and maybe they should meet the rest of Sawyer’s family. And you.” He pauses briefly. “Do you think you’d be up for that?”
Anxiety-wise, no, but I’ll have do this at some point. “Sure,” I reply, a little squeak in my voice giving me away.
“It’ll be fine, Idaline. I’ll make sure of it.”
“Thanks.” I take a deep breath. “There’s one more thing.”
“What’s that?”
“Should I move in?”
FC is quiet for a little longer than my comfort would like. “Do you want to?” he finally asks. “I’d love to have you if you do.”
“Only if you can promise I won’t have to move again for a long, long time.” This will be my third move in less than six months.
FC laughs. “That I can promise you, love.”
It looks like I’m moving in with FC. It’s amazing, you have to admit. All that’s happened in the last twenty-four hours as a result of us simply communicating as usual, just in an old method that hadn’t been used recently. Now, I have to move in and get ready for his family meeting mine. But also for me meeting Karen and Bobby.
Idaline moved in about two weeks ago and things have been smooth going so far. Today, our families are meeting at my parents’ for everyone to get acquainted. Idaline hasn’t been able to sit down for the past hour. She’s up and down, moving here and there. She’s anxious about meeting Lila’s parents. I haven’t said anything to her yet because I don’t want to make her more nervous.
Light in the Dark Page 12
