Sawyer is fascinated by her, though. He can’t stop watching her to see where she’ll go next. It makes me wonder if he can feel her anxious energy or if he knows something is wrong. He has tried to follow her a few times, but Idaline hasn’t noticed the little toddler wobbling behind her.
“I can’t do it!” she blurts out. “There’s too much pressure. I won’t go!” And off she goes to our bedroom.
I stand and hold Sawyer’s hand, allowing him to walk with me. “Idaline.” That’s all I say when I enter my bedroom to find her shedding her clothes. “Ahda,” Sawyer repeats after me, giving me a cheeky grin. I smile back before focusing on Idaline. “Put your clothes back on. It’ll be fine, love. We can’t exactly show up without you.”
“They’ll hate me,” she whispers as her shoulders sag. She finally sits on the edge of the bed.
Sawyer and I walk over to her. I sit down next to her and pick Sawyer up to sit him in my lap. “I’ve talked to them, Idaline. They’re excited to meet you.” Idaline gives me a look. “Okay, excited is a strong word, but they are looking forward to meeting the woman who will be raising their grandson with me. You got this.” She doesn’t say anything for a moment, so I bring out the big guns. “Do it for Sawyer, Idaline.” She lifts her head to look at my son. “They are his grandparents, just like your parents are now. Do it for him. So we can be this big awkward family.”
Idaline sighs. “You shouldn’t be able to use him against me.” She grabs her shirt and puts it on before reaching for Sawyer. “It’s not fair when he’s as adorable as you are.”
“Whatever it takes, love. Let’s go before you change your mind.”
It seems everyone is eager about today because we’re the last to arrive and we’re still early. Everyone seems to converge on us as soon as we walk in the door.
“Everyone can back off,” I say with a laugh. “There will be plenty of time to spoil my son, but you’re scaring him.” He’s hidden his face, even though he knows everyone here. Having them standing around us, talking all at once, and various sets of arms reaching for him isn’t something he’s liking right now. I’m overwhelmed myself.
They give us some room to come in and sit. Idaline sits on the arm of the chair and Sawyer doesn’t make a move to leave me yet.
“Looks like y’all have gotten to know each other just fine,” I say as I look at all of them. They all sort of talk at once, speaking of their excitement. Once things tamp down, I look at Lila’s parents. “Karen, Bobby, this is my fiancée, Idaline.”
“It’s nice to meet you,” Karen says. Her gaze switches back to me. “Your mom told us you were engaged. Congratulations.”
“Thanks. Sawyer, son, don’t you want to visit?” I ask as I set him on his feet. He looks at all the people: my parents, Nana, Lila’s parents, Idaline’s parents, her brother, sister-in-law, and their niece, plus Grandpa McAllister. Sawyer walks and it’s like the entire room holds their breath to see who he’ll go to first. For some reason, I’m not surprised when he chooses Grandpa McAllister and little Kelsey, who sits in his lap.
Conversation picks up right where it left off before we arrived. Idaline keeps squeezing my hand on and off. I actually don’t blame her for being nervous still since Karen dismissed her a little. Idaline surprises me when she stands and walks over to Lila’s parents.
“I just want to apologize for what happened,” she begins quietly. “If I could change what happened, I would.”
Bobby is the one who reaches out to hold Idaline’s hand. “You were only protecting yourself; we understand that. Let’s move on from it and work toward being there for Sawyer.”
A simple exchange and the weight of Lila’s death falls off Idaline’s shoulders. It’s as if I can see the weighted shroud cascade to the ground with a thud. Idaline takes a deep breath, smiles, and returns to sit with me. Whatever issues she had left? I bet this resolves them. Her soul is much lighter. I can see it and feel it.
With that over, the rest of the evening goes well. All of the grandparents get to know one another and spend some time spoiling Sawyer. Karen and Bobby get to know more about Idaline, too. The most surprising and disturbing turn of events is the flirting going on between Nana and Grandpa McAllister. Idaline seems to be stunned into disbelief.
“He hasn’t flirted like that with anyone. What is happening?” she whispers.
“Let them have their fun.”
It is a little weird, though. After eating, Sawyer is ready for a nap. Karen and Bobby head home since they have quite a drive. Idaline’s parents are next to go once Sawyer has fallen asleep in Idaline’s arms. I’m actually in no rush to head home, but maybe I should be. We’re sitting on the couch, talking, and Idaline’s head falls onto my shoulder. Sawyer isn’t the only one who’s tired.
“Maybe you should get your family home,” Nana says.
“Trying to get rid of me, Nana?” I ask.
“Not really, but I’m heading home.”
I offer to stand to hug her goodbye, but she doesn’t want me to disturb Idaline, which is funny considering she wants me to wake her so we can go home. I wait another thirty minutes before waking her and dragging her home.
“How do you feel about today?” I ask as I drive us home.
“Good. I’m glad everyone seemed to get along and that Karen and Bobby don’t seem to hate me.”
“I told you they wouldn’t,” I can’t help but point out with a smile.
“I know, but it’s good to know for sure, you know?”
“Right. Now you have that hurdle over, too. No more anxiety when it comes to seeing them or worrying about not being here to avoid them. We can all move on.”
“That sounds nice. It feels like we can put our past officially behind us now, doesn’t it?” she asks with a quiet sign of hope in her voice.
“Yeah, I think so.” To have everyone together like they were today? Happily getting along and acting like a family? It’s as if our pasts aren’t running our future even a tiny bit anymore and we’re firmly in the present and heading for a fun future.
Wow.
What a nice feeling. It’s unusual. It’s been so long since I’ve felt this. Since I was confident that my past wouldn’t rear its ugly head and ruin everything completely; that I could stuff my past away and not worry about it because even if there’s a flare-up, it’ll be temporary and manageable.
“Have I told you today that I love you?” I ask as I pull into my parking space.
Idaline looks over at me. “Maybe once or twice.”
“Not nearly enough.” I lean over to kiss her softly. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“I can’t do it, damn it!” Frustrated, I toss my cup into the sink. “I’m not strong enough.”
Today is the big day. Sawyer is supposed to start daycare and I’m having some serious anxiety. We haven’t even left the house yet. The idea of leaving Sawyer in the hands of non-family members stresses me out with every second that passes.
“What were we thinking anyway? This is a stupid fucking idea. We can’t leave him in the hands of people who have no vested interest in keeping him alive.”
Idaline’s hand rests on my back. “FC, you’re freaking out. This will be good for Sawyer. He’ll make friends and interact with kids his age.”
My head falls. “I don’t know if I can do this.”
She steps away and a moment later a small hand touches my arm. “You have to do it for him. Let’s go.” Idaline then walks away with Sawyer. I follow her because with this stress, there’s no way my son is leaving my sight right now.
Idaline is my rock. She drives us there to allow me to sit in the back with Sawyer, who is thrilled to have company. When we arrive, the only reason I get out is because Idaline takes Sawyer out of his carseat and I follow along.
We meet the lady who gave us the tour of the daycare center, Mrs. Boulder. She smiles wide and radiates with energy.
“Mr. Hart! It’s so good to see you. This m
ust be little Sawyer. Are you excited about your first day?” she asks Sawyer, who completely ignores her, his eyes on all the little kids behind her.
“I’m not so sure about this,” I admit to her.
She smiles warmly at me. “First day jitters are completely normal. You’re welcome to stay for a few minutes with Sawyer and to do two five-minute video chats with us, but for Sawyer’s sake, we only recommend staying for a few minutes. We’ll keep you posted on anything serious, but your son is in good hands, Mr. Hart.”
“He won’t be staying,” Idaline answers, causing my head to snap over at her. She lands a firm gaze at me. “It will only be harder on you. He will obviously be fine.” Sawyer is wiggling like crazy in her arms, dying to get down and he’s two seconds away from crying in anger from being prevented. “Say goodbye.”
If it’s possible to hate Idaline, I do right now. Regardless, I kiss my son, tell him I love him, and then watch Mrs. Boulder take him away. Sawyer is tickled to death and fascinated to be around other kids. He watches at first, but a little boy walks up to him and hands him a block. His second friendship, if we count Kelsey as his first. My heart is all warm and fuzzy and ready to burst.
Idaline wraps her arms around my waist. “See? He’s having fun already.”
“He doesn’t even care that we’re leaving him.”
“Our little boy is growing up,” she whispers.
And then my heart explodes because she called Sawyer our boy. Idaline has accepted Sawyer as hers and I couldn’t be happier. It’s definitely time to work on getting those adoption papers prepared.
“Let’s go before we stand here all day. I don’t want to be late for work.” She turns us around and we leave with Sawyer being none the wiser.
Unfortunately, it takes everything for me to not return to the daycare to pick him up throughout the day. The good news is that whenever I have that thought, I can pull up a website on my phone. One reason I liked this daycare is that they have a webcam continuously running and parents can tune in on their website to see what their child is doing at any moment.
Sawyer seems to be having a blast every time I tune in. He’s playing with others, but sometimes, he’s playing alone. All I care about is that he looks happy and unharmed. The work day seems to pass slowly as I wait for the time when I can pick him up. When I finally get there, Sawyer spots me after a moment and comes wobbling over as fast as he can, giggling with a big smile on his face.
I don’t think he’s ever been so happy to see me. I can get used to a greeting like this. I pick him up and kiss his cheek. “Hey, son. Did you miss me?”
“DaDa!”
I laugh. “I missed you too.” Once I get him checked out, we head to the house to get started on supper. I should finish just in time for when Idaline gets home. Sawyer seems to babble more than usual, but he falls asleep on the couch before Idaline can get home. I guess daycare wears him out.
“How did today go?” Idaline asks as soon as she walks in the door.
“He’s asleep on the couch, so it must have been too exciting to stay up for dinner.” As soon as I say this, she turns around and walks to the couch, peering over the back of it.
“Aw, he’s adorable. He looks like he’s sleeping so good.”
“I think I’ll let him sleep for a while and feed him when he gets up. Get over here and kiss me so we can eat.”
She laughs. “Yes, sir.”
This is the best ending to a workday that I could imagine. I’m sure our future will include many more of them.
“Declan, if you fall out of that tree again, I won’t take you to the hospital!” Idaline hollers to our ten-year-old son who has a knack for being both adventurous and clumsy.
He laughs and shouts back, “Yes, you will!” Sawyer, now fourteen, chases our two youngest daughters, Ashley and Corrine, five and three, around the yard. They absolutely adore him and thankfully, he doesn’t mind entertaining them every so often. Lastly, our eight-year-old son, Vincent, sits on the other side of Idaline on the bench. He has trouble in school and hasn’t finished his homework yet. Idaline has told him three times he could play with his siblings, but he’s determined to finish what he’s started.
I have no fucking clue how I ended up with five children from fourteen to three and married to my soulmate. Our house is constantly chaotic, but Idaline handles things surprisingly well. She takes time to herself when she needs it and I double-check on her sometimes to make sure she’s taking care of herself, but she’s more amazing than ever.
“Love?” Idaline looks up at me with a lazy smile. “Want to cross another name off your list?”
She laughs and playfully pushes me away. “We’ll never cross them all off, FC. There were at least a hundred names up there and we’ve used ten of them already. Go play, buddy,” she finishes to Vincent. Once he’s gone, she faces me fully, still smiling. “Five isn’t enough for you?”
“Five is plenty, but we’re uneven, Idaline.” I rest my hand on her stomach. “Plus, I love seeing you pregnant.”
She plucks my hand off her stomach. “All I hear is caveman talk for I love having a mini me inside you.”
I laugh heartily as Sawyer walks up to the picnic table.
“What are y’all talking about?” he asks skeptically. “You aren’t pregnant, are you, Mom?” His gaze bounces between the two of us. “No! I can’t handle more of these rugrats! I’m exhausted.” Sawyer lays out all dramatic-like over the table with his hand over his forehead. “I mean, another brother or sister would be cool, but for the love of god, lay off! Aren’t you old people tired yet?”
“Sawyer, stop it,” Idaline orders with a bit of a chuckle. “I’m not pregnant. Our family is complete.” She gives me a pointed look that’s serious enough for me to know that she doesn’t want more kids. I should know this already because she’s made mention of me going to the doctor for a vasectomy. This was my last attempt to change her mind.
Sawyer sits up and looks out at his siblings playing. “So, this is it, huh?”
“This is our family,” she confirms.
“Do we have to tell them about me?” he asks with a serious tone in his voice.
Sawyer recently learned about Lila. Having three sets of grandparents around was bound to bring up questions sooner or later, and he finally asked why he had so many when other kids don’t. That wasn’t a fun discussion and Sawyer is still processing what we told him.
That Idaline isn’t his biological mom, but she’s been with me and raising him since he was one. That she adopted him before he turned two. That my scars are from his biological mom and that she died in an accident while attacking Idaline. It took us almost as long to decide exactly what to share as it did to tell him. But we didn’t want him to later feel like we held out on him or lied, so we told him the bare bones and answered any questions he asked.
“Sawyer, there’s nothing to tell,” Idaline replies softly, reaching to cover his hand with hers. “You are still their brother and our son.”
He turns to face us and my heart cracks at seeing his eyes watery. “But I’m not like them. I have a different mom and she was mean.”
“No.” My tone is so strong that his head snaps over to me. “You’re exactly like them. Someone else gave birth to you, Sawyer. That’s it. You’re otherwise exactly like them. Nothing has changed. Do you hear me? We’re all the same. We’re all a part of the same family. Hell, you basically have Idaline to thank for your name.”
Sawyer frowns. “What do you mean?”
“We were best friends while he was with Lila,” Idaline says. “He came to see me once and I showed him a list of my favorite names for my future children. He stole,” she gives me a playful smile, “Sawyer and Nash from my list to name you.” Idaline stands to hug Sawyer. “You’re ours, sweetie. You only know more of your history now; that’s it.” Her voice lowers just a bit, but I can still hear her. “And to tell you the truth, you’re my favorite.” She pulls away with a wink.
; Sawyer laughs. “Thanks, Mom. I kinda figured that.”
“Sawyer! Help! I’m stuck!” And that’s Declan, who apparently can’t figure out a way down from the tree. While he loves to climb trees, he always has trouble getting down.
“I’ll get him,” I tell them. “You sit here with your mom and think about all your good memories with her.”
“Dad, where’s Sawyer?” Declan pouts. “You’re too old to climb trees.”
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, son,” I tell him as I begin to climb the tree.
“See? That’s what old people say.” Did I also mention that he’s our adorable smart mouth of the family?
I start to regret my decision when I reach Declan, who is nearly at the top of the tree. The branches creak and groan underneath my weight. I might not be too old to climb a tree, but I might weigh too much.
“All right, Declan. Arms around my neck and legs around my waist.”
After a few minutes of helping him over and securing him on me, we begin our descent. We’re halfway there when the branch snaps and I lose my hold on the other. Declan screams bloody murder in my ear. He holds on tight to my neck, but his legs fall from my waist.
And then everything goes black.
“Call 911, Sawyer! FC! Come on, FC. Wake up.”
I open my eyes to see six faces peering at me and a shit ton of pain radiating in my head. Idaline has tears falling down her face, but I don’t understand why.
“What’s wrong?” I ask. “Why is everyone looking at me?”
“Ambulance is on the way,” Sawyer says.
“Why?” I ask.
Idaline frowns. “You fell out of the tree, FC. You went up to get Declan and y’all fell. You hit your head pretty hard when you landed.”
My eyes find Declan. “You okay, son?”
He nods. “I’m sorry, Dad.” His voice cracks.
“It’s okay. I’m fine.”
Light in the Dark Page 13
