Jen walked to the bathroom door and tried the doorknob. It was locked. Her head hung and she slowly walked to the bed to lie down. She hugged a pillow close to her as she thought. A year is not a lot to ask! Why can’t he just see it my way! Why can’t he be happy with what we have? Why can’t he just, just… Jen couldn’t think through her frustration and unhappiness. She closed her eyes tight and remembered their days together, before all of this marriage stuff had come up. Those were happy times, but instead of bringing her happiness, they only added to her heavy heart. How could they go from being so content, so perfect, to this? The last few weeks seemed like a blur and Jen squeezed her pillow tighter. She listened silently to the shower in the bathroom, wondering what Zack was thinking, remembering a time when they shared every thought with each other. It was strange to her how quickly things could change.
“Oh Zack!” she said out loud. “How did we get here?”
Chapter 6
The weekend came and Annie and Adam arrived. They made plans to meet Jen and Zack for dinner Saturday night. Jen had been dreading it all day. Putting on a front that she and Zack were still as happy as ever made her uncomfortable, but they had both decided it would be best to get through the weekend and then see where they were at. It seemed to Jen that their life had become a constant game of zig and zag as they got through each event. She didn’t feel she was living at all, but merely existing from one day to the next.
“How’s your stay been so far?” Zack asked Annie once they were all seated around the table.
“Great! We’ve been to a few stores, walked down the Freedom Trail, and got some lobster today for lunch.” She smiled at Adam. “It’s been very relaxing.”
“Good,” Zack said with a nod and then buried his face in his menu. Jen bit her lip, trying to think of something to say.
“So Adam,” she began. “What are you doing for work now?”
He and Annie shared a smile. “It’s a funny story actually,” he said with a sheepish grin. “When I went out to Ohio last year for the holidays I was supposed to be a mechanical engineer, so I read a couple books on the subject. I found the one on solar panels particularly interesting so after Annie and I got together and I quit my job I decided to look into them. I found a guy who was looking for help at his solar panel business and he was willing to hire me, despite my lack of experience. I’ve taken a couple classes since then to learn more about energy and the beauty behind harnessing the sun for power and I really like it. The work is steady and pays pretty well. I’m actually hoping to have my own business someday, either building or installing. I’ll see where the wind takes me I guess.”
Jen was nodding at Adam but she had a hard time focusing on him. Her eyes kept darting to Annie. She stared up at Adam like a puppy, her eyes fixed on his every word. She could see how much Annie loved him. Anyone could see it. Jen glanced at Zack, who was still enthralled with something on the menu. He clearly wasn’t even trying to listen.
Jen tried to keep up the conversation through dinner. Annie and Adam were as nice as ever, but Zack hardly said a word. He spoke only when spoken too and even then kept his sentences short and to the point. Annie gave Jen several worried looks but she ignored them. On the outside she was smiling and laughing as if everything was fine. On the inside she was screaming mad at Zack.
“I have to run to the girl’s room,” Annie announced when dinner was done.
“Alright babe,” Adam said smiling. Annie stood and looked at Jen, waiting.
Jen looked at her, a little confused.
“Do you need to go?” Annie asked sweetly.
Jen took the hint. “Sure.” She got up and followed her to the restroom.
Annie didn’t even wait until the door was closed before she turned to Jen, concern showing on her face. “What’s going on?” Her voice was urgent.
“Nothing, everything’s fine.” Jen waved her hand.
“Jen, I haven’t seen Zack like this since…” She stopped and bit her lip. “For a long time!”
Jen knew what Annie was going to say; Zack hadn’t been this depressed since their mother had died. “He’s really tired. He works all the time.”
“Is everything okay between the two of you?”
Jen knew Annie meant well but it still annoyed her that she would pry into their private life. “We’re fine, Annie. He’s tired, I’m tired. It’s the life of the busy and hard working.”
Annie didn’t look convinced but obviously decided to let it go. “Alright, but you guys should really take some time off. Even if you just stay home and sleep.”
“That’s a good idea, maybe we can soon.”
“You know I love the both of you very much. I’m just worried about you guys.”
“We’re fine,” Jen said a little more sternly. “I promise.”
“You promise you’ll let me know if there’s anything I can do?”
“Yes, of course. The minute I feel the need, I’ll unload all of my problems on you.” She smiled teasingly. “You might rethink wanting to hear it all by then.”
“No way! Jen, you’re like family to me. I’m here for you, whatever you need.” She touched her arm.
Jen smiled as she fought back tears. “Thanks,” she managed to say.
Annie nodded and the two of them made their way back to the table.
They split the check and said goodnight. Jen waited until she and Zack were in their apartment before she spoke.
“What the hell was that?” she asked, a little more loudly than she’d intended.
He looked at her. “What?”
“If you didn’t want to go to dinner tonight, you shouldn’t have. No one was forcing you.”
“Forgive me for not feeling up to pretending like everything is alright. I’m not as okay with being fake as you are.”
“Excuse me?” Jen said slowly.
“You heard me, all night tonight you laughed and joked as if the world was nothing but sunshine and roses.”
“You don’t think I’m upset with how our relationship has been the last few weeks?” Jen was stunned.
“You sure don’t act like it.”
“It’s not my fault I’ve been busy. And in case you didn’t know, I deal with things differently than you do. And don’t try and act like it’s my fault that our relationship has gotten to this point because I have tried and tried to talk to you about it and all you do is walk away!”
“There is no point in hashing and rehashing the same things over and over. You know how I feel, you know where I stand. If you have something new to say, I would love to hear it.” Zack had started pacing by now.
“You think that your opinion is the only one that matters. You think that your happiness is the only one at stake here but I have feelings and beliefs and wants too! I’m just way better at holding myself together than you are. My emotions aren’t plastered all over my face for the world to see. I can pretend…”
“I don’t want to pretend anymore!” Zack yelled.
Jen stopped as her heart leapt into her throat. She swallowed, trying to stop the feeling of dread that was building inside her. “What are you saying?” she whispered.
He looked at her, his face twisted in pain. He ran his hands through his hair and then placed them on his hips as he stood before her.
“I can’t do this anymore,” Zack finally said.
Jen felt her legs would turn to jelly beneath her. “What exactly can’t you do?”
“This. Us. Pretending; lying to ourselves and each other. Acting like we don’t know it’s over.”
“Is it over?” Jen’s voice cracked. “Do you want it to be over?”
Zack sighed. “The last few weeks I feel like all we’ve done is fight, or avoid each other.”
“I haven’t been avoiding you…” Jen began.
“Don’t lie Jenny, please.” Zack voice was soft and even though she hated to admit it, she knew he was right.
They stood in silence, neither knowing what to say or do
. Zack, sensing Jen’s unwillingness to speak went on, “I love you Jennifer, I do. I love you more than I thought I could love a person but…” He paused and looked down at the floor before looking back up at her. “I want to be with someone who wants the same things I do. I can’t go the rest of my life pretending I’m happy when I’m not.”
Jen felt a tear escape her eye and run down her cheek but the rest of her body felt numb.
Zack didn’t look at her; he was clearly dealing with his own emotions. “I’ll uh…” He sniffed once and went on, “I’ll stay with Jeremy. He said I could crash on his couch whenever I needed so…” His words hung thick in the air.
They looked at each other, worlds apart in their small apartment. “Marriage is that important to you?” she asked, unbelieving. “It’s so important that you’re willing to throw away everything we’ve built? Our entire relationship?”
“Is not getting married so important to you that you’re willing to give up our relationship?” Zack replied, listless.
Jen stared at him. “I don’t know. But I don’t want to be pushed into something I’m not ready for. And I definitely don’t want to know that you’re not happy because of that. So if it’s that big a deal, then… I guess you should go.” Her voice sounded far away and strange, like she wasn’t the one saying the words.
“I’ll start looking for a new apartment,” Zack said quietly.
“No,” Jen said after a moment. “No you can have this one. It’s a great deal and it’s close to the hospital. It’s perfect for you.”
“What are you going to do? I don’t want to leave you with nowhere to stay. I’ll stay with Jeremy as long as you need.”
Jen managed a weak smile. “That’s nice of you. But I think I’ll go back to New York, see if I can find a job. I’ll stay with my dad until I do.”
“You don’t have to do that…”
“I don’t want to stay in this city,” Jen cut him off. “The only reason I moved here was for you so it doesn’t make much sense to stay.” She shook her head. “Besides, my dad would be glad to have me back. He’d never admit it but he doesn’t like being alone, and I know my not being there has been hard on him. Perhaps it will be a good time for us to work on our relationship.”
Zack was nodding. “I hope you guys can patch things up completely.” There was silence in the room. Finally, Zack moved toward the bedroom. “I’ll just, grab some things…”
Within minutes he had packed a small bag and had it waiting by the door. He pulled out his key and held it out for Jen.
“No, keep it,” she said. “You’re stuff is still here and you’ll need to get in and out. Besides, I won’t be here very long.”
Zack put the key in his pocket, turned and picked up his bag. As he walked out he looked back at her, but knew there was nothing left to say. So without another word he opened the door and walked out of the apartment.
Jen stood, arms crossed, feet glued to the floor. She realized in that moment, what true heartbreak felt like. She wasn’t sure how long she stood there, how long she let her mind run over and over what had just happened. It wasn’t until her knees began to ache that she moved to the window to glance out at the city around her. The sun was gone and the lights of the city were in full bloom. She walked slowly to her bedroom and sat on the bed. Removing her shoes she laid down, too shocked to cry, feeling her heart beat beneath her chest. It was her only indication that she was still alive. It wasn’t until well into the next morning, in the darkest hours of the night that she allowed the tears to come. They came slowly, silently at first, but then picked up speed as the full weight of what had happened settled and the sobs began to rack her body.
SEATTLE
Dylan made quick purposeful strides toward the office of his friend Carl. He checked his watch again – almost eight-thirty. He’d have to hurry if he was to make it to his own office on time. The sky was gray; the norm for Seattle and Dylan hoped the rain would wait for him to make it back to his car. His dress shoes made a steady click as he walked up the stairs and into Carl’s office. Turning the corner he bumped right into his friend. “Oh, hey you’re just the man I was coming to see,” Dylan said, grinning widely.
Carl wasn’t as chipper. “Dylan, why are you here so early?”
“I was hoping you’d found something on the…”
“Oh yes, that. I’m sorry man, I forgot. We’ve been insanely busy the last few weeks.”
“I left you a bunch of voice mails…” Dylan said.
“Yeah, I know, I’m sorry I haven’t gotten back to you. I didn’t realize it was so urgent. Walk with me.” Carl gestured and the two started down the hall.
“I don’t mean to keep pestering you about it but you know why time is of the essence here. Not to mention the fact that I’d like to get it all taken care of before the baby comes,” Dylan continued.
Carl nodded. “That still gives you months. Courtney isn’t due till when, October?”
“Yes, but I’d still like it to be resolved. I have to find her Carl. It’s important to me.”
Carl sighed. “Look man, I owe you everything so I’ll do all in my power to help you but you just have to be patient. These things take time. You’re talking about documents that go back sixty years. It’s not like they’re in a computer file somewhere.”
“I understand that.” Dylan nodded. “I appreciate anything you can do.” He reached out his hand and Carl shook it firmly.
“She’s out there; it’s only a matter of time,” Carl said as Dylan began to walk away.
Turning, he smiled. “Thanks for your help.” He made his way back down the stairs and out into the colorless morning where the first drops of rain were beginning to fall.
Chapter 7
Jen stared out the window of her dad’s apartment in New York City, watching the movement on the streets below. She’d forgotten how fast pace this city was. It was the first week of August, almost three weeks since she and Zack had broken up and the pain was still as fresh as the day he left. She’d arrived at Rogers’s apartment unannounced, saying little about the reasons for the breakup, only that she didn’t want to live in Boston anymore. He’d taken her in and immediately put her in the guest bedroom without one question. Jen was grateful he didn’t press her for information. She was also grateful he didn’t say I told you so, even though she saw it in his eyes. Since that day she’d kept her head low. She didn’t feel like doing anything or seeing anyone. A couple times Roger had convinced her to go with him to the firm to help out with some of the organizing and case files. Roger’s firm, Berkley & Associates was coming out of some financial problems and was finally starting to make money again thanks to Aunt Gabby, who had agreed to give Roger a loan in order to help him get his business back on track. Jen was glad they’d left her out of the deal. She loved her father but hated dealing with him when it came to money. In her experience, he became a different man when dollar signs were involved.
Jen smiled when she thought of Aunt Gabby and those first months of their relationship just over a year ago. Her life had changed so dramatically since that wonderful old lady had come into her life. Even though her father’s intentions for Jen going to Ohio had been less than genuine, she was happy she’d gone, happy with the way things had turned out… that is, when she and Zack ended up together. Now that they were separated she felt she had to completely reevaluate her life. All the plans they’d made were gone – disintegrated, just like that. Jen looked down at the coffee in her hand. Will I ever be able to go on without him? she wondered. Countless times in the last few weeks she’d picked up the phone to call him, to tell him she was sorry, she wanted him back, wanted to be with him; but every time she’d hung up before the first ring. She knew she couldn’t lie to him about what she wanted in her life. She couldn’t lie about how she felt about marriage. It wouldn’t be fair to either of them if she pretended. So, instead of giving in, she went inside herself. She shut the world out and tried to figure things out on her ow
n. The result of that had left her weak and miserable. Her hair was a mess, she had no makeup on, she hadn’t shaved her legs in three weeks and knew she was in desperate need of a manicure. This is what she’d come to call ‘the breakdown stage’. It was her way of dealing with failed relationships. Although she had to admit, she’d never spent this long in breakdown.
She sighed heavily; contemplating going out and doing some shopping. The idea was quickly dismissed when she remembered she’d have to get dressed.
“Good morning,” Roger said as he walked into the kitchen.
“Morning Dad,” Jen said feebly.
“What are your plans for the day?” Roger asked as he poured himself a cup of coffee.
“Well, I thought I’d lay around this morning, then around noon I’ll make myself a high calorie snack followed by an afternoon of daytime TV, after which I’ll make another high calorie snack and then I’ll be off to bed.” Jen knew she sounded pathetic but she didn’t really care.
Roger sighed. “Jenny, honey, sit down.” He gestured to the sofa and sat opposite her. “I understand that you’re hurting. I understand that this is how you deal with breakups, and that’s fine, I’m not judging. But at some point you’re going to have to get back out there. This isn’t good for you; you can’t hide in this apartment for the rest of your life. You’re too beautiful and too smart to give up on yourself.”
Jen looked down into her coffee mug but didn’t say anything; she knew he was right.
“You should go out with some friends tonight. It’s Friday and I’m sure there’s something going on.”
Love Takes Hold: The Helena's Grove Series Book 3 Page 4
