“Look…you’ll probably need to go get the morning after pill at the very least, and maybe an STD test too… I doubt he or they used protection…I’m just saying,” she shrugged, pulling a towel and washcloth from the shelf above me.
Morning after pill…to prevent… Oh Shit!
I hadn’t even thought about the possibility of being pregnant after Brice had forced himself on me. Now Jeremy…and possibly others…
“Student Health…the building on the far end of the quad… You can report a rape there too. If you want,” she added, handing me a bar of soap along with the towel and washcloth before stepping out of the bathroom.
I nodded numbly, waiting until she’d closed the door before I released my full bladder into the toilet.
So I was drugged… My luck just keeps getting better and better…
**********
“Rebecca Waters,” Becca formally introduced herself as she drove the short distance from the apartment complex back to campus.
“Evelyn Barns,” I offered back, waiting to hear a laugh that never came.
People always laughed at my ugly plain name.
We rode the rest of the way in silence, me promising –as soon as I got out—to return the clothes she’d let me borrow. She said we should hang out some time, and I agreed, but I didn’t know if she really meant it. Being fat had given me a complex about everyone’s true intentions.
The walk to my room was agonizingly slow, my legs heavy as if filled with lead. In my hand I clutched the tiny bag –full of little blue pills—to my chest. Adderall… Becca said that she took them to help her stay up and focused when she had to pull an all nighter. She’d also said that they would lift my spirits and help me feel better about what had happened. I’d asked if she had something that would make me forget, but sadly she didn’t have anything for that.
My laptop chirped as soon as I opened the door to my room, signaling that I had an incoming email. More like twenty new emails I realized as I plunked down in the chair at my desk, my head in my hands as I looked at the screen. The first three were from Michael…one of my bottom dwelling friends.
It was shallow, I knew that. But since that one time in the library when June and her friends had gotten up and walked out because I was talking to another overweight girl I studied with, I’d been careful to keep the two separate. On my list of ‘high life’ friends I only had my suite mates: June, Madison, Gwen, Ashley, and Kerrington. They were all skinny. They were all pretty. And they were all popular. There were nights when I cried myself to sleep wishing I were just like them. Sure they included me in their dorm suite movie nights… I lived there. They also came to me for help in their classes, or even advice about their boyfriends. I never had anything to offer for the latter, but I was a good listener, and I guess that’s what made us friends. It didn’t matter that they didn’t acknowledge me outside of that. I knew my place, and it was with the bottom dwellers. Except…I never grouped myself with them. My list of bottom dwelling friends consisted of : Michael, Abbey, Dewayne, Heather, Renee, Gordan, and Buster. They were bottom dwellers because just like me, they had no life. So what, they’d thrown me a surprise birthday party a few months ago. I’d spent the whole time hoping that no one saw me with them in the student union hall. In high school they would have been the leaders of the nerd clique. In college…they were accepted, but not one’s you spent your time with unless you were studying or needed to be tutored. Half of them were just as chunky or overweight as I was, and none of them ever did anything fun like June and her friends did.
Shit! I’d forgotten my promise to help out at the blood drive this morning. Reading over Michael’s first three emails, inwardly I cringed at leaving them hanging. I smiled at the pictures he’d attached to the last email. In it Michael, Abbey and Buster all pretended to choke themselves to death, their arms raised so that the pictured captured the pint of blood they’d all donated. The three of them had stayed for summer semester, all of them taking the same class I’d registered for: Intro to Thermodynamics. Becoming an engineer hadn’t been a decision that I’d made for myself. My father had taken a shot at it and failed. He was now a high school science teacher, and I didn’t want to follow in his footsteps. I wanted to trample all over them and then say: See, I’m better than you ever were!
I shot a quick email back to Michael explaining that I’d been sick all night and had been in bed throwing up all morning. I’d never let them down before, and so there was no need to sound more convincing. He’d believe me. It was a tiny white lie. I had been sick, and I’d also thrown up several times at Becca’s, but Michael didn’t need to know that. He wouldn’t understand.
The rest of the emails I left for later. I wasn’t in the mood to listen to anyone else’s problems. I had my own to figure out. After stripping my borrowed clothes off, I stepped on the scale I’d left sitting right in front of the closet. My gaze connected with the full length mirror and I jumped in shock at the fullness my body had taken on. The difference wasn’t huge, but it was definitely noticeable. My cheeks were rounder, my breasts just a hint larger. Where my stomach had been perfectly sculpted the day before, there was no definition now and my sides were showing the beginnings of love handles. My gaze lowered immediately when the scale beeped once to announce my current weight, and I jump from it as if it had burned me.
One thirty four! I’d gained twenty something pounds in a night!? What the fuck had I done to warrant that kind of weight gain!?
I stepped back on the scale and then off again when it confirmed the same exact number as before. I was hyperventilating, my head back to throbbing from the migraine I still had. With shaky fingers I grabbed the tiny Ziploc bag of blue pills and plucked one out, swallowing it dry.
I lay on my bed naked, waiting to feel something…anything…
The witch had never said I couldn’t exercise. I was small enough now to do it without passing out after just a few minutes. It was so simple. I’d beat her at her own game, do what I wanted, and never worry about being fat again.
With that thought I was up and dressed in a pair of June’s old sweats, my new tennis shoes and a tank top in less than five minutes. Normally I would have been getting ready to head to the nursing home to check on George and the other patients, but for the first time since being here I was jogging my way along the bike trail that led all the way around campus.
“Evelyn is dead…Evelyn is dead…Evelyn is dead…” I chanted as I ran, already feeling better about the last two days of my life.
Being skinny and staying skinny was all that mattered now.
Chapter 7*
The jog up the hill to the student health building more than had me winded. My sides ached, and my lungs burned as if they were about to explode at any moment. I hadn’t thought to bring a water bottle because I hadn’t planned on coming here, it just happened. I didn’t want some stranger examining me, and I didn’t want to tell some stranger why I even needed the morning after pill. But, the longer I stood there in front of the steel trimmed glass doors, the more I contemplated the fact that I could possibly be pregnant. I could always get an abortion later… Easier said than done, I was sure of it. Besides…I didn’t believe in abortion. Did I…?
The water cooler sitting just inside the door –a stack of cups on its top-convinced me that I should at least go in. It wasn’t even officially summer yet, and the temperature was already in the upper eighties. I would pass out if I had to jog all the way back to my room without hydrating.
“Sign in please. Name and student I.D.” the girl behind the glass enclosed desk greeted, stopping me before I’d even drank a full cup.
I could turn around and walk out…
I glanced behind me, my head jerking back around when I caught sight of Abbey trudging her way
up the hill towards the student health building.
What was she doing here?!
Using my fingers I brushed my tangled hair down around the sides of my face, hoping that she w
ouldn’t recognize me. My name was barely a scribble on the waiting sign in sheet, my student I.D. thrust through the slot.
“Everything correct on here..? Date of Birth? Dorm assignment…?”
“Yes, yes…everything,” I snapped, tapping my foot impatiently as she logged me into the system.
“It’s going to be at least a fifteen minute wait. You can have a seat right over there,” she pointed to the bank of chairs along the wall, sliding a clipboard full of papers through the slot. “Fill this out and give it to the nurse when she calls you.”
“Thanks I mumbled, stepping sideways and then turning away from the person in line behind me.”
Abbey didn’t even look as I took my seat, hunching over the clipboard, so that my hair almost completely covered my face. There were two other girls here, but neither of them looked at me either, their concentration on filling out their own paperwork.
“I wanted to switch birth controls. This one has had my stomach aching for days…” I heard Abbey whisper to the attendant, her hand clutching her stomach for emphasis.
As if on cue, a tiny wet sounding fart escaped and I eyed the other two girls as they laughed. Abbey’s face was crimson as she glanced behind her, embarrassed, and I forced a laugh too. I didn’t want her recognizing me and asking me what I was doing here. She turned around, taking the clipboard from the nurse before finding a seat on the far side, away from the three of us.
“Evel…”
“Eve! Here!” I jumped up with my own clipboard, scurrying to the door that had opened in the corner.
“Wait…honey…” She stopped me by my arm as I tried to close the door behind me. Is your last name Barns. I was calling Evelyn Renee Barns…”
“That’s me,” I hissed, not daring to turn around and see if Abbey had heard.
“Ok then…right this way,” she motioned and I followed all the way down the hall and into an open exam room at the end.
I did as she told me, shedding all but my bra, before I slipped into the makeshift gown. The Adderall pill I’d taken was just reaching its peak, and sitting still I suddenly felt jittery. The clock hanging on the wall sounded louder than any clock I’d ever heard, and before I knew it, my bare foot was tapping against the metal examination table in time to the ticks.
“Ms. Barns…?”
I jumped at my name, extending my hand a little too fast to the doctor in front of me.
“Doctor Graham,” she smiled, taking my hand before reaching for the sanitizer on the counter.
“I need the morning after pill,” I blurted, my fingers clasped tightly together now to keep me from fidgeting.
“Well that’s a start… Can you tell me why you think you need the morning after pill?” Dr. Graham asked, pen poised over the clipboard I’d given the nurse.
I repeated what I’d written, nothing more nothing less.
“My boyfriend and I…we didn’t use protection…” I whispered, heat filling my cheeks when she held my gaze.
She was a doctor, but it didn’t matter. I’d never talked about my sexual history with anyone, because until just recently I didn’t have one. Saying that I’d had sex –out loud-was enough to send my stomach into a tightly knotted twist.
“Birth Control…?”
“No…”
“Only condoms then…”
“Yes…”
There seemed to be twenty or so more personal questions, and I answered them all, my chin on my chest by the time she ripped off a prescription and set it on the desk. I lay back as she instructed, watching her retrieve a few instruments from a drawer beneath the counter.
“Ms. Barns…were you raped?” Dr. Graham asked, taking a seat at the end of the examination table.
My legs were already clamped tightly together, but they seemed to stiffen as my breath caught, the wind suddenly knocked out of me.
Why would she ask that? I hadn’t said that! I’d said anything BUT that?!
“The reason I ask…” she paused, pushing my knees apart, so that the heel of each foot rested in the metal stirrups on either side. “…is because when I asked if the sex was forced, you said…I don’t know.”
I did?! Did I?!
“Usually Ms. Barns…if you’re having sex with anyone, you either consent or you don’t. If they do anything without your permission or say so…it’s rape. I just want to make sure you understand that.”
“I do…” I managed to whisper, my entire body now tense from the speculum she’d just inserted in my vagina.
It didn’t really hurt—hurt, but I was still sore. Sore enough to feel it scraping as she settled it in the right position, and sore enough to let loose a tiny whimper as she took a sample of my insides.
“So…were you raped Ms. Barns?” Dr. Graham repeated softly, holding up a tiny piece of glass for me to see. “If you want me to start a rape kit, I can do that for you. I can also help you report it if you want. It’s not something to be ashamed of…”
Ashamed…?! Half the girls on campus would’ve killed to have slept with Brice Honeycutt. It had been June’s biggest complaint when she dated him. He was a player…and proud of it. His father could also have me kicked out if he pulled some strings. I couldn’t report Jeremy knowing that Brice’s DNA might show up too. It wasn’t worth the risk.
“I wasn’t raped,” I answered, my voice soft, but firm.
Doctor Graham was quiet for a moment as she cleaned my bottom with a wet cloth and then pulled the sheet back down over my legs. I watched as she dropped the piece of glass into a clear plastic bag and labeled it before turning to face me again.
“If you change your mind…I can always order a rape kit,” she smiled, handing me the prescription she’d set aside.
“I won’t. And we’ll be more careful next time,” I added, sitting up so that my legs dangled once again.
“If you want I can write you a prescription for birth control pills too… They’re much more reliable than condoms…”
“Sure,” I nodded, knowing that I probably wouldn’t take them.
I was never having sex again if I could help it.
**********
From: Michael R. Bennett
To: Evelyn R. Barns
Subject: Deathly Ill Sick Chick
Hey Evelyn! We’ve missed you. It’s been a few days now and I haven’t heard from you. Abbey and Buster say they haven’t either. I hope that stomach bug has finished kicking your ass and you can come with us to the movies tonight… I could pick you up… I know you drive, but Abbey and Buster were riding together, so I figured… Anyways…just give me a call or email me back. I’d love to see you.
Michael
I sighed as I reread Michael’s quick email, rolling my eyes as I hit the reply button. My days of going to the movies with them were over. I wasn’t in the mood to hide inside my sweat shirt hood and hope no one spotted me with them. I also wasn’t in the mood for any more questions either, and they would have plenty if I went.
From: Evelyn R. Barns
To: Michael R. Bennett
Subject: Dear Persistently Annoying Guy
Michael, I never said I had a stomach bug, but I don’t feel like going to the movies. Please stop trying to make me feel bad for missing the blood drive, I have a lot of shit on my plate right now. If Abbey and Buster said they were riding together, and didn’t invite you then TAKE THE HINT! They don’t want a third wheel. Sorry for being a bitch…today is just not my day.
Evelyn
I felt bad being mean to him. He only wanted to take me to the movies, and would have probably paid too. But I still had no way to explain my extreme weight loss, and my visit to student health had left me feeling irritated. I popped another Adderall now, taking a swig out of my water jug before popping the morning after pill too. I knew the jitters would probably go away if I stopped taking the Adderall, but it made me feel alive, and energetic. It kept me focused on the things I wanted to think about and helped suppress all the things I wanted to forget.
<
br /> My inbox was mostly full of junk mail that I deleted in bulk, but an email bearing my brother’s name, stopped me mid scroll, my index finger shaking as I clicked the open tab.
From: Eric S. Barns
To: Evelyn R. Barns
Subject: GRADUATION!!!!!!!!!!
Hey sis!
Haven’t heard from you in a while, but I’m sure you’re still coming to my graduation next Friday right? I got the tickets at school today, and my cap and gown! (I’m attaching a picture of me in it! LOL) I can’t wait to spend the summer with you at your dorm. I can’t believe we’ll be at the same college for the next three years. High School all over again huh?
Well I’ll let you get back to your studies… Dad told me you’re taking thermodynamics this summer….YUK! Count me out! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Love you,
Eric
Holy Fucking Shit! I’d completely forgotten about my promise to my little brother to let him spend the summer with me. I didn’t have a roommate, and he’d gotten his acceptance letter months ago. It had seemed like the perfect idea then. We weren’t close, but he never mentioned my weight, so he was tolerable. Besides…I knew he wanted to get away from my mom and dad more than I had before I left. It was the only reason I’d let them force me to go to the first college I’d been accepted into, not bothering to send out any more applications.
My hands closed over my cell phone, my thumb dialing my mom and dad’s phone number without looking. I couldn’t tell him not to come via email. He’d be even more hurt than he was about to be. Three rings, and I started to hang up. If they were home, my mom usually answered by the second ring. She practically kept the phone glued to her side.
“Evelyn…that you?” my mom’s voice came through breathless and soft.
“Yeah…” I answered, my words suddenly caught in a lump at the back of my throat.
“Is everything okay? You usually only call at night…”
“Class doesn’t start for a few more days.” I interrupted her, picking at a string on the side of my sweats now. “Um…I called to talk to Eric. I forgot all about him wanting to come and stay the summer, and now… Well it’s not going to be good timing for me. I’ve got a lot going on, and then with this class. I just don’t have time to entertain him, babysit, and…”
Beauty Page 6
