Beauty

by Patria L. Dunn (Patria Dunn-Rowe)

  My eyes were duller than ever, and they looked as empty as I felt, despair sinking through me like an old companion. I had to get to class. The thought of seeing Michael, Abbey and Buster made my stomach twist into a clenching knot, but I couldn’t miss the first day. My summer stay depended on it.

  With shaky hands I rooted through the bags of clothes I’d bought for my one hundred thirty-four pound body, looking for something that would fit. I refused to reach into my closet for any of my fat clothes…it just wasn’t happening. A stretchy pair of dark blue jeans at the bottom of the bag caught my eye, and I pulled them free, checking the tag. Definitely an accidental purchase considering it was a size larger than the rest…they would have to do. Luckily one of June’s old tank tops fit tight enough that it held my breast down, allowing me to go without a bra, one of my new black t-shirts hiding most of the bulge in my stomach area. Socks and shoes were easier, but first I grabbed the pants, stepping into them before giving a hard pull. Halfway up my thighs they stuck fast, refusing to give not even another inch.

  I couldn’t say if it was the fact that the pants didn’t fit, or the fact that my buzz was completely gone, but something inside me snapped. This was all the witch’s fault! That bitch…! She ruined my life, by cursing me with a gift that worked like poison. I’d been tricked! I hadn’t even asked for this…sure I’d wished it, but not at the cost of my sanity! She’d known all along that every bad deed would count against me. It didn’t matter how fast or how slow I lived my life… I’d probably end up fatter than where I even started and in a matter of days!

  My legs kicked, and the pants went flying from my feet into the corner, my thighs jiggling as I stomped from my room and down the hall towards the stairwell. I was done trying to be skinny. Our agreement wasn’t a legally binding contract; it had been confused words spoken between a suicidal fat girl and a scary looking Goth chick that called herself a witch. I was going to end this once and for all.

  Going down was much easier than going up, my breathing only hindered by the angry pants that escaped my lungs as I stalked my way down the fifth floor hallway. My closed fists were already poised to beat down the door if I had to, but the sight of the clean door frame stopped me cold. The swipe of black paint was gone as well, and those same goose bumps I’d had on my first visit, reappeared now, sending a chill through me.

  She was gone…? She couldn’t be…! She was just here…

  I tried the knob, only to find it locked tight, the only sound on the entire floor coming from me as I sagged in a squat, sobbing. I couldn’t take it back…I couldn’t start over. Was there really a curse or had I imagined the whole thing? I’d been panicked that morning…dazed even… Maybe I’d misheard her… There was no such thing as witches…right?

  In my head I ignored the ticking noise of a clock counting down the final thirty minutes of my thermodynamics class. It was too late to go now, and with the way I felt, I probably wouldn’t have made it even halfway across campus before collapsing from the stress of it all.

  The longer I sat there and cried, the more anxious I became, my heart thudding wildly in my chest by the time I decided to go back to my room. It wasn’t coke, but the little blue pills had worked before, so I popped two, leaving me with ten left in the bag. While I waited for them to start working I sat down and pulled out the money I had left after paying Becca the five hundred dollars I’d owed her. It was all there. Five hundred dollars, plus the twenty I had left on my debit card. I didn’t know how much a bag of coke would cost, but I was hoping it was enough. Fuck the one—time only thing… I was so confused I felt like I was going crazy. I couldn’t go back to being fat… I’d kill myself first….

  Well… Again…

  **********

  “Yeah…?” Becca asked as she peeked through the crack in the door, her features twisting in recognition a few seconds later. “Eve…? What the hell…?!”

  “Yeah…” I nodded, stopping her as she removed the chain to let me in. “I’ve gained a few pounds…I know…” I shrugged as if it were nothing, my act of looking cool calm and collected waning fast.

  I wanted to hand her the wad of money I had stuffed in my pocket and beg her to get me high, but I wasn’t a junkie. Junkies acted like that. I forced a smile as she made a slow circle around me, her finger pulling at the baggy sweats I’d purchased on the way over.

  “You do know it’s summer don’t you…?” she asked, stopping in front of me so that we were face to face again.

  “Yeah…I just got out of bed…”

  “And you gained what…thirty pounds in your fucking sleep?!” Becca laughed nervously, the sound almost immediately choked out by the silence that followed. I wasn’t laughing.

  “I have a condition…” I finally said, the lie forming as I spoke. “Rapid weight loss and gain…I’ve battled with it for years… When I’m up…I’m really up there…but when I’m down…well…it’s depressing. I’m not myself. I missed my first day of Thermodynamics. I can’t fit into any of my new clothes. I’m too fucking jittery to think, and my mother….” I threw up my hands, tears pooling as I looked helplessly into her confused green eyes… “She hates me!”

  It was true, and it all came tumbling out so fast I was starting to cry again. Becca was still in shocked, but she threw her arm around me anyway, leading me slowly over to the sofa. She looked as if she were about to pull me into her arms and comfort me, but that wasn’t what I needed…I couldn’t wait any longer.

  “How much coke will two hundred and fifty dollars get me?” I blurted out, pulling the crumpled money from my pocket.

  I’d spent more than I’d planned on new clothes, and it was all I had left. I flinched as Becca looked at me open mouthed, her hand falling from my shoulder as she plopped down beside me.

  “You don’t want to get hooked on that shit Evelyn…”

  “Don’t call me that!” I snapped, and felt instantly guilty. “Please…” I added, my voice so soft it sounded strained.

  “Look I know you’re going through a hard time right now…”

  “You have no idea…”

  “Did you report the rape…?”

  You mean rapes…plural…with an S.

  “No…it’s nobody’s business…”

  “Eve…”

  “Look are you a dealer or not? I really just need to chill out Becca…a breather you know… Please…” I added, my tone almost desperate now.

  Her mouth opened as if to protest, but then snapped shut. My eyes closed in relief as she stood and walked over to the T.V. stand in the corner. Where most people kept DVD cases stacked in blocks, Becca kept a safe, the key hidden under a vase that sat right beside it. My mouth watered as she opened it, slowly surveying its contents before bringing back a tiny white marble sized lump wrapped in plastic.

  “That’s it…! Two hundred and fifty dollars for that?!”

  “Whoah newbie…” Becca laughed, exchanging the money in my hand for the coke. “That’s an eight ball…ten maybe even twenty lines even for a first timer like you.”

  I weighed the lump in my hand carefully, considering how long ten or twenty lines would last me. Probably forever… I only needed a fix.

  “Show me how to do it...” I whispered setting it on the coffee table in front of me, my fingers too shaky to hold it anymore.

  “Well first, if you’re going to be doing this alone, then I suggest using a spoon and a bill,” she instructed, retrieving her wicker basket full of pills from under the table.

  I watched as she pulled a silver teaspoon from its own separate bag, setting aside all but one twenty I’d given her. With the tip of the spoon she chinked a small amount of coke onto the coffee table and wrapped the rest back up in the plastic.

  “Pay attention,” she murmured as she placed the twenty on top of what was on the table, pressing the back of the spoon hard enough that it smashed down the bulge, but light enough that the powder didn’t scatter once it was broken down.

  From th
e wicker basket she produced a slightly worn razor, using its edge to chop the stubborn pieces down to match the rest, separating it out so that it formed two thin lines approximately three inches long. The twenty she rolled into a thin little tube, handing it to me before pointing to the table.

  “For you that’s about four hits... Inhale half of one in one nostril, wait a few seconds and then inhale the rest in the other. That should keep you going for about forty-five minutes… The more you do…the more you’ll need and…the less it lasts. Eve please…don’t fuck with this shit. I’m different… I’ve been doing this since I was fourteen and I’ve never gotten addicted. Some people…I guess they never do, but that’s a very small percentage. It’s a mind thing Evelyn…it will fuck with you…”

  “I don’t need the lecture Becca,” I shook my head, my nose already lowering to the first beautiful white streak.

  I wanted it so bad that I inhaled harder than I intended, taking in a tad more than three quarters of the first line. The burn erupted in my throat first, a violent cough sending the room into a jerky spin for a moment. It was over in an instant, and I giggled, wiping the wetness from the tip of my nose. Shit…blood! Better not snort the last…

  My gums were pleased at the tingling sensation I gave them with just a swipe of my middle finger. One line down…

  “Holy shit! Are you crazy…? Eve don’t…! You’re too new to this,” she stopped my downward lean towards the second line with the butt of her hand.

  I was embarrassed. I’m not a junkie… I reminded myself sternly, a tight smile on my face as I looked at Becca and giggled. “I was just kidding silly… That one’s for you. This is probably more than I’ll ever snort. I just needed a fix...thanks…”

  “Yeah…no problem,” Becca nodded, her brow still kinked in concern.

  “Soooo….” I smiled genuinely now. “Do you think I was good enough the other night that Troy would consider letting me work another shift. I am so fucking broke,” I laughed, pointing at the baggy sweats I wore.

  I expected the uncomfortable look she gave me, her eyes dropping immediately to my protruding stomach. Sitting down I looked heavier, but I’d be standing up at the club. With my breath sucked in and the right outfit, I could hide the love handles and jiggle I’d developed.

  “You could ask him… I go in tonight,” Becca shrugged, leaving it up to me. “What will you wear…?”

  I’d also come prepared for that.

  “Spandex…really…tight…spandex,” I laughed, patting my belly. “I bought a fishnet body stocking today… It’s crotchless…”

  “Troy prefers all your clothes off by the time you leave the stage…” Becca hesitated, crimson in her pale cheeks as her eyes met mine.

  “Ok…so…I’ll just ask him. No harm in that right?” I tried for another smile, but my lips didn’t quite convey what I was going for.

  If Becca thought I was too fat to get up there and strip again, what would Troy say…? Sober, my mind had already reverted back to that depressed cowardly fat girl. High, I was confidant I could pull it off. It was all about attitude and coke gave me plenty of it.

  Chapter 12*

  The dream was fading fast, but I squeezed my lids tighter anyway hoping the knocking sound would go away. Skinny little cheerleaders were still doing flips in my head, the captain’s smiling face a blurry reflection of myself. Two more knocks and then another three, and my eyelids stretched open, dried bits of sleep crust pinching the creases.

  My room…my bed… At least I hadn’t woken up somewhere else. I barely remembered driving home from The Sweet Spot after dancing four straight hours, half of the eight ball I’d gotten from Becca already gone. I’d fallen asleep with a rolled hundred dollar bill between my fingers, and I peeled it from my cheek now, wiping the drool with the back of my hand. The knocking persisted and I growled against the piercing migraine I developed the second I untangled myself from the covers.

  “ALL RIGHT! COMING!” I snapped, searching frantically about my room for anything I needed to hide.

  The two thousand dollars I’d banked at the club lay strewn on top of my covers, some of it on the floor undoubtedly from me tossing and turning in my sleep. I picked it up as fast as I could, snatching up the bag that held my last four Adderall pills as well as the balled up plastic that contained the last of my coke. After I was sure everything was hidden out of sight under my pillow, I pulled on my bathrobe, covering the fishnet body stocking I’d neglected to take off before climbing in bed.

  There were two unsnorted lines of coke still on my desk, and the knocking was so loud now, I knew I would need at least one of them to deal with whoever was waiting on the other side. Fuck it… I snorted them both, my toes curling from the burn that sent my head into an icy shiver.

  “Evelyn?!”

  “Michael?! What the fuck are you doing here?!” I snapped as I jerked the door open, my anger turning to guilt when I saw that he’d brought Abbey and Buster along.

  The shock on their faces was probably ten times worse than mine, Michael’s eyes so big his face resembled that of a chubby koala. Abbey choked on whatever she was chewing –she didn’t need it anyway-and Buster looked as if he’d seen a ghost, his mouth hanging open in wonder.

  “E…Evelyn…?” Michael stuttered, his eyes still wide.

  His gaze roamed from my face down, appreciation in his features as he took in my trimmer figure. I’d probably gained another fifteen or twenty pounds for all my bad deeds the night before, but I was still over a hundred pounds smaller than I’d been a week ago.

  “Whatever you’ve got, I want it… The flu…? No...Ebola…? Shit…it has to be worse than that…how much weight have you lost?!” Abbey choked out, crumbs falling from her mouth.

  She really needs to stop eating and lose some weight…

  “I don’t know what it was… I didn’t go to the doctor,” I shrugged, ruffling my tangled halo of bed hair.

  “You look like shit,” Buster laughed, bright white teeth gleaming against his dark skin.

  “Yeah…I feel like it too…” I played the sympathy card, my bottom lip folded over into a pout.

  “Well it’s been what…almost a week…? I don’t think that much weight loss…that fast is healthy. I mean you look…great,” Michael sighed, his eyes wandering past my head to my hastily arranged covers.

  “We were worried about you…? Haven’t you gotten any of my texts?” Abbey asked, holding up her phone. “Girls night…? The movies…? The blood drive…? You haven’t been to the nursing home all week, and you missed the first day of thermo….”

  “Damn…what are you my fucking mother?” I griped, tying the belt of my robe into a secure knot.

  There were invisible strings pulling me away from my body, away from their concerned faces and back into the beautiful colors I’d swam in last night. I wanted to enjoy it, close my eyes and be numb for a moment while I figured out my next move, but I couldn’t do that with them standing there.

  “Geez Evelyn what’s gotten into you? That was mean…” Michael defended Abbey, his hands thrown up in surrender as if I were about to attack.

  I was.

  “What are you two fucking now?!” I sneered, pointing at the crumbs stuck to the front of Abbey’s shirt. “You’re fat enough, stop embarrassing yourself by walking around with your food attached to you. At least hide it in your bag!” I tittered as her face blanched a pale white, deep dimples appearing as her features crumpled.

  Michael’s horrified look was enough to drum up a morsel of guilt somewhere inside me, but this wasn’t Evelyn speaking, it was Eve.

  “And you…” I continued, directing my gaze at Buster. “What the fuck is wrong with you hanging out with the bottom dwellers all the time. You’re the only one out of the bunch that stands a chance at even having a life. You can be smart and have real friends, you know…the ones that actually get invited to parties, and get laid on a regular basis…? With that body and that face…what gives?”

&
nbsp; “That enough!” Michael ordered and I turned my smile on him.

  “Awww Mikey… Sweet wittle Mikey. Stop fucking bugging me okay!? I got your emails, I got the stupid pictures, I even got the stupid voicemail you left me! I’m not your fucking girl, I’m not even your fucking friend!” I was shouting now, but there was no one around to hear or even stop me, so my voice rose even louder. “The only reason why I even hung around any of you was because I was too fucking fat to make any friends on my own. Well guess what…that’s changed now…” I struck a model pose, my hands on my hips. “I don’t need you coming around here, banging on my door, and embarrassing me. Get the fuck out and don’t come back!” I snapped, grabbing the door so that I could slam it in their faces.

  “Are you on drugs?!” Michael blurted, and I stopped cold.

  Abbey’s sniffles were the only sound puncturing the silence that settled almost instantly. Michael’s hand was pushing back against the door, holding it open while he waited for an answer. My eyes narrowed, and I held my neck stiff, my chin lifting so that I looked down my nose at the three of them.

  “Get. The. Fuck. Out!” I growled, anger surging through me like wild fire.

  I wanted to punch him right in his pudgy little face, kick him in his nuts and watch him fall backwards, groaning in pain, but I couldn’t move. How had he known…? I didn’t look like I was on drugs…did I? I wasn’t a junkie… Junkies were rail thin, with scabs all over their arms. They had the shakes when they walked around and they all had that hollow look in their eyes like they’d been lost for forever and couldn’t remember where they’d been going. Of course I wasn’t on drugs…! I got a fix here and there…sure…but a hardcore user…no. That wasn’t me.