Yo, what the fuck?! You tryin’ to run from me, bitch? Tryin’ to hide? I hope you’re fucking dead you dyke ho! If you’re not, I’m gonna be the one to hammer the nails in your coffin, you fuckin’ sucia! I always told you you’d never get away from me! I’m gonna hunt you down! I’ll find you bitch! Don’t worry! Enjoy it while you can ‘cause when I get my hands on you, it’s over for you son! YOU HEAR ME! OVER!
My heart battered my chest cavity. My hands shook as I grabbed a cigarette and lit it. James stared at me baffled. “Since when do you smoke cigarettes?”
I took a deep drag and almost choked. I passed James the phone without looking at him.
“Press 4 and listen.”
James’s eyes grew to the size of saucers as he listened open mouthed. He put the phone down slowly,
“I have a question. If he beat you before, how come I never saw you lumped up?”
“He’s not exactly stupid, James. He’d always hit me below the neck where no one would see the bruises. And in the summertime, he made sure not to hit me on the legs so they wouldn’t be marked up.” I pulled up my T-shirt to expose the now greenish-blue bruises on my obliques and turned my body to show him the contusions on my back.
“Damn, yo. This nigga ain’t playin’.”
My mind went into high gear as I structured my plan. “I gotta do what I gotta do, James.” I looked at him with fire in my eyes. “It’s either him or me and it sure as hell ain’t gonna be me.”
“I don’t know what you have planned ma but know this, I’m here for you. Whatever you need, I’m here. I can’t let you go this alone. You my homegirl and I love you and couldn’t bear to find out that something happened to you while I stood by idly.”
I kissed James on the cheek and hugged him firmly.
“I know you got my back, babe. I gotta go. I’ll call you.”
James reached out to grab my arm. I recoiled defensively and almost swung on him.
“Whoa, whoa, it’s me, India.”
I gasped. “I’m sorry … sorry…I just…” I stood there looking at him shamefully. “This nigga’s got my nerves on end. I didn’t mean to…”
“I know, I know,” James said holding me. “Just don’t forget to call me. I’m gonna be breakin’ my head wonderin’ if you’re okay.”
“Got it. I’ll call you soon. I love you, James.” I stopped at the door to look back at him.
“I love you too, India. Be careful. Please take care of yourself.”
12
I took deep, meditative breaths as I walked down 116th. I practiced my speech as I passed the Law School and approached Amsterdam Avenue. As I hailed a cab, I repeated my intended words over and over. I finally reached for my cell when I slid into the back seat.
“Tuckahoe and Cayuga Roads in Westchester County,” I instructed the cab driver. “You can take the Deegan.”
“That’s gonna be about $50, ma’am,” the driver interrupted rudely.
“I didn’t ask you all of that!” I said throwing him a $50 bill. I rolled my eyes and dialed *67 before dialing Fabian’s number.
“Hi baby.”
“So you decided to call,” Fabian said with an evil snicker.
“Look, pa, I needed some time away but …” I stuttered.
“Where are you? And why the hell are you calling me from a blocked number?” Fabian asked quizzically.
“I lost my phone… Oh my God, you’ve probably been calling my cell. Damn babe, I’m sorry. I lost my phone when I left your house that day,”
“Damn, ma, I’m sorry too. Have you even checked your messages? I’ve been worried sick. Your suitemate told me you were taken to the hospital.”
“Nah babe. I just got out of the hospital this morning. I haven’t had a chance to check my messages. I was taken in because I fainted. Turns out I have a mad case of anemia. I gotta start taking care of myself.” I lied, luring him into my web with my deception. I smirked silently feeling him fall for my game.
“I’ll take care of you, ma. Where are you?”
“I’m on my way to the crib. I’ll jump in a cab in a second. Will you meet me there?” I asked in the little girl tone of voice that made his knees weak.
“Of course, ma. I’ll go get you a sopita and I’ll be there in an hour, k? I love you, ma. I miss you like crazy.”
“I love you too, pa. I’ll see you soon.” I hung up and smiled at the cab driver who was staring at me in the rear view with a disgusted look on his face. “I’m such a great fuckin’ actress!”
13
I flashed the cab driver my middle finger as I walked into the building. If only this motherfucker knew what I’ve been through, he wouldn’t be looking at me like I was a conniving bitch.
“Fuck him!” I said loudly. The doorman looked at me strangely. “Good afternoon, Mike.”
“Good afternoon, Ms. Maldonado.”
When I stepped into the apartment, I pulled my sweatshirt off quickly and began rummaging the place searching for Fabian’s video camera and the bank books. I ignored the aches that throbbed through my torso as I looked through Fabian’s drawers. I found the bank books in the secret compartment that he thought I didn’t know about under the floorboards in the living room. I pocketed a wad of hundreds that was there as well, leaving just enough so that he wouldn’t miss what I’d taken.
I stared at the five kilos of coke lying in the compartment and figured that adding the six I’d found in the cache in the foyer closet and the eight I’d counted in the safe, there was enough cocaine in the apartment to get him a lengthy prison sentence. That was good to know. I nodded my head, pleased with my findings. Plan B if necessary, but I hoped it wouldn’t come to that.
I continued probing the apartment. I mulled over the keys I’d found. Fabian had always sworn to me that he didn’t keep drugs in the apartment. “I’d never put you in danger like that,” I recalled him promising. But there they were, keys upon keys of uncut cocaine. Thank God the apartment had never been raided. I would have been fucked, my future destroyed if the police had ever run up in there.
“This rat bastard is a sneaky motherfucker! We’ll see who laughs last,” I thought aloud.
I finally found the camera behind his sweaters on the top shelf of his walk-in closet. I sighed in relief when I saw that the tape of my tryst with Anais was still in the camera. “This motherfucker thinks he’s smarter than me,” I mused. “NOT!” I removed the tape, put it in my bag along with the bundle of Benjamins and hid the bag behind the couch. I quickly grabbed the bank books and scanned the pages I needed on the printer. I returned them to the stash and went to take a shower. While in the shower, I retraced my steps in my mind to make sure I had covered my moves. The only thing that would tip him off would be the missing tape of my rendezvous with Anais. I couldn’t think of what to do though. I had to take the tape, there was simply no alternative.
I tensed as I heard Fabian walk into the apartment and shook my body trying to loosen up in preparation for the confrontation. “I’m in here, babe,” I yelled. I turned my back to the shower door so the first thing he’d see was the contusions on my back. I hoped it would incite guilt. My plan worked.
I turned when I was sure he had seen the bruises and saw his eyes water as he entered the shower fully clothed. I pushed the feelings of remorse out of my mind, reminding myself yet again of what he had done and the plan I had in place.
Fabian kissed me softly then more passionately. He began to grope my body but I stopped him. “I have my period, pa,” I cloaked the lie with a soft tone, “I don’t feel too good. I feel weak babe, weak and tired.”
“You look tired, ma.” He brushed strands of hair out of my face, picked me up and carried me to the bed. “Rest ma, I’ll bring you the asopao de camarrones I bought.”
I lied back and suddenly felt very hungry. I hadn’t eaten in well over 24 hours and hadn’t even thought about it until that moment. I ate the soup slowly, savoring every drop.
“You need anything
else?” Fabian asked guiltily.
“No, I just want you to lie next to me and hold me,” I said in my little girl voice and patted the bed. He smirked and conceded without hesitation.
I put my head on Fabian’s chest and let the tears fall freely. Fabian heard me sniffle and pulled my face to his. “Why you cryin’, mamita?”
“Nothing, babe, it’s nothing.”
But that was far from the truth. I was crying for so many reasons. I cried because despite what he’d done to me, I still loved this man. I’d sacrificed so much for him, endured so much. I cried because I knew that I had to walk away and although I was resolute in my decision, it still hurt me that things had to end in such an ugly manner. I cried because I never thought it would come to this, that I would have to be so devious, so conniving. I had to adopt his street mentality and it made me feel grimy but I knew that Fabian would never leave me alone. It was either him or me.
Fabian interrupted my thoughts. “Look, ma, I’m sorry for what happened the other day. I let my feelings get the best of me. I wiled out and I’m sorry. It’s just that I love you so much.” He buried his face in my hair and inhaled deeply. “I love everything about you. The way your hair smells, the little bump on your nose, your little waist.” He traced my body parts. “Everything!” He looked deeply into my eyes and I did my best to hide my anguish. “You forgive me?”
At that moment, I was overcome by a powerful urge to punch him in the face, to pounce on him and pummel him the way he had done to me. The past five years flashed before my eyes. I jerked my face away in repugnance. Almost instantly, I calmed myself down and improvised.
“I’m sorry baby. I think I have an eyelash in my eye. Ay, it burns.” I waved my hand frantically over my eye.
He pulled my face close to his and blew into my eye. It was tender gestures like this that made me fall in love with him all those years ago. It was his practiced manner of manipulation but I wasn’t falling for it this time. I’d never fall for it ever again, I pledged.
“I forgive you, baby. Maybe we should go to couples counseling or something,” I suggested.
“Whatever you want, mami. Anything for you, princesa, anything.”
“You want something to drink?” I conspired. “A Jack and coke or a Long Island?”
“Why, you want something, babe?” He made a move to get up but I pulled him back onto the bed.
“No, pa, let me get it. I feel a little better now that I ate. I have to go to the bathroom anyway. What do you want?”
“A Jack and Coke, mami. Gracias.”
I walked into the bathroom and shut the door behind me. “Why you shutting the door?” Fabian asked, irritation creeping into his voice.
“Here we go,” I whispered. I raised my voice to reason with Fabian through the shut door. “Pa, I don’t want you to see me changing my maxi pad. That’s gross.” I faked a giggle hoping he’d buy it.
“Aight, babe, do your thang.”
I quietly opened the medicine cabinet and took out the sleeping pills. “How many should I give him? I don’t want to kill him but I want him to be out for a while, a long while. I put four pills into the pocket of my Victoria Secret terry cloth robe and walked out of the bathroom. I blew him a kiss as I walked out to the bar. Inconspicuously, I put the pills in his drink and made sure they dissolved before giving it to him. He drank the glass in four large gulps.
“Damn, pa, were you thirsty?” I laughed thinking how easy he’d made that.
He laughed with me and pulled me close to him. I lay there until I heard him snoring then I got up and began preparing for phase two of my plan.
I stared at Fabian’s sleeping form. He looked so peaceful. Looking at him, you wouldn’t think he was a misogynist, so malicious and manipulative. I wondered if it was a consequence of his upbringing or was embedded in his genes. Knowing his mother, I knew it was a combination of both.
I hadn’t spoken to Fabian’s mother, Maria, in years but she was a hateful woman, very jealous with her son. She had the hysterically farfetched delusion that no one was good enough for Fabian and had always treated me like I was beneath her. I put up with it for Fabian’s sake until I couldn’t take it anymore.
One day, I came down with an awful case of gastroenteritis. I had to be hospitalized for a week and spent two additional weeks recuperating. Fabian asked his mother to look after me while he was out taking care of business (I later found out that he was actually fucking the next door neighbor the entire time and his mother knew about it and played along). Maria treated me like shit, complaining about anything and everything, even accusing me of feigning illness to get attention. I finally kicked her out when I overheard her confess to her friend that she had put a brujería on me and my sickness was a result of the hex. That night, after Fabian heard his crying mother’s version of what happened, he punched me so hard in the stomach that I threw up blood and had to return to the hospital for another three days.
When I remembered that scene, I was again overcome by a strong impulse to bash his face with the heavy candleholder that sat conveniently on the night table not far from where he lay unconscious. I settled myself with a meditative breath. In part I blamed myself, after all, I did accept it and take him back into my life. I willed myself to think about all the hardships I’d endured, feeling that it would eliminate any lingering pangs of guilt I may have about what I was about to do.
14
I called James from the cab. “Phase One is complete.” I laughed as I told him what I’d done.
“You crazy bitch!” James said flabbergasted. “Damn nena, that was fast. It’s only four o’clock. You bounced from here only three hours ago. Yo, he rubbed off on you some, ma. You straight up gangsta! I wouldn’t want to get on your bad side.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment.” I was slightly offended. “I’m just doing what I have to do to survive.”
“I know, I know.” He sounded defensive.
“You still on my side?” I asked apologetically.
“No doubt. Just say the word.”
“I’m gonna need to stay with you until school gets out, pa. There’s no way I can stay at my dorm. I have to steer clear of that side of campus.”
“Damn, that’s gonna fuck up my game,” James joked. “Say no more. You need help getting your shit together?”
“Nah, I think I got that covered. Thanks, James. I’ll call you later.”
As soon as I hung up, I dialed the number to my connect, Mario, at Bank of New York. I instructed him to transfer all the money from the accounts I’d set up into two new accounts with new aliases, social security numbers, the works.
“It’s after banking hours,” Mario interrupted. “This will have to wait until tomorrow.”
“I don’t have until tomorrow, Mario. You have to do this now. Take 10Gs for the inconvenience and your silence,” I added generously. “I’ll hit you off with more once I see that you’ve done everything I’ve told you and kept your mouth shut. I’ll call you in three hours. Is that enough time?”
“I’ll call you in two,” Mario said quickly.
I hung up, looked out the window and prayed silently.
God, I know this is wrong but I have to do this to get this man out of my life. He has to feel what I’ve been feeling for the past five years. This is the only way. This is his weakness. Please let this work out for me. Por Dios, por favor!
15
I exited the cab in front of my dorm at 47 Claremont Avenue. I looked around warily, although I knew in the back of my mind that there was no way Fabian could have regained consciousness. The dose I gave him was guaranteed to have him out until at least the following morning. My nerves were getting the best of me. I fumbled with my keys and dropped them twice before finally getting the key in the door.
The guard looked at me strangely. “You okay, India?” he asked concerned.
“Yeah, just tired.”
I rushed into my room and began to throw my best clothes into the Lou
is Vuitton luggage Fabian had bought me for our three year anniversary. Those were the good times, I thought nostalgically then corrected myself quickly, “What good times, girl? The honeymoon didn’t even last that long.” Once I fit everything I could, I scanned the room to make sure I’d gotten everything that I absolutely needed. “What doesn’t fit and isn’t necessary will have to stay,” I said with resignation.
I looked at the framed picture of me and Fabian during our trip to South Beach. I picked it up and stared at my fake smile. We’d taken the picture at Wet Willie’s after spending the day at the beach where Fabian kept comparing girls to me, making it a point to tell me which chick had plumper tits, a tighter ass or firmer abs. I’d stared at Fabian in disbelief. He was sitting there with his beer belly sticking out shamelessly and had the audacity to tell me that there were flyer chicks than me. I chortled remembering the eight pack abs that walked by at that very moment. I couldn’t help but stare as the guy’s chiseled physique. Fabian noticed and turned beet red. I smirked at him without having to say anything further. He’d read it all over my face.
I tossed the picture onto the futon and frowned at myself. I’d actually considered taking the picture with me. “What the hell is wrong with you?” I scolded myself aloud. “Snap the fuck out of it!”
Before leaving I told my suitemate that she was welcome to anything I’d left behind.
“Where are you going?” she asked inquisitively.
I looked at the gullible chinita with sad eyes. “I just have to go, okay. Take what you want and take care,” I said struggling with my luggage. I stopped in my tracks and looked back, “Oh and if anyone calls, you didn’t see me leave and have no idea where I am.”
I called James from outside my dorm. “Yo nigga, come down to help me with my bags. I’ll be outside the Wien Gates in five minutes.” I hailed a cab with my free hand.
Woman's Cry Page 5
