Woman's Cry

by Vanessa Martir

  “I can’t believe I slept with my best friend,” I exclaimed aloud. I was so wrapped up in my reflections that I didn’t hear the bathroom door open. I jumped and almost fell when I felt cold hands on my back. James steadied me while he laughed.

  “You bastard!” I punched him in the gut.

  “Mmmmm!” He moaned as he hugged me.

  I stiffened under his touch. I didn’t want him to delve too deeply into our tryst. We’d had a moment and that was all it was, at least for now. I just couldn’t dwell on it, not until I got Fabian completely out of my world. I pulled away from James and got out of the bathroom.

  “Why you runnin’?”

  “I’m not runnin’. I’m just done showering, that’s all.” I dressed quickly hoping to be gone by the time he got out of the shower.

  When I exited the room, James was just getting out of the shower. He planted an unreturned kiss on my lips. “What’s wrong, ma?”

  “Nothing,” I pulled away and walked past him. I breathed deeply and turned to look at him. “Look, James, you deserve me to be honest with you. I’m just feeling claustrophobic right now and confused. I don’t regret last night but …”

  “But what?” he asked hostilely as he walked toward me. I stepped back frightened. James gasped. “India, I’m not Fabian. I would never lay a hand on you like that. Don’t be scared of me.”

  Tears streaked my face. “I still got that nigga under my skin, James, and it isn’t fair to either of us. I can’t think about us, if there’ll ever be an us until I’m out of this predicament. I’m sorry.”

  James shook his head, “I know, India. I can’t help how I feel but I understand. I’m here for you regardless.”

  “I know. I just need to get away for a little while to think. I need to do something. I can’t bear to look at these walls for another minute.”

  “Aight, where do you wanna go? Hold up, let me get dressed.”

  “No. I have to go alone, James. I need to be alone right now.”

  James’s face fell. He looked at me, his nostrils flaring. I thought he was going to protest but instead he walked to his room and closed the door behind him. I grabbed my rollerblades and walked out before he could change his mind.

  23

  I put my rollerblades on in the lobby. I’d been fiending to jump on my wheels and escape everything and everyone. I wasn’t sure if it was smart to go out on my own but I had to. I just needed to be alone. I knew I still had to be cautious and should stay in a well populated area. I decided to hit Central Park. As I bladed down Morningside Avenue, I savored the feeling of the rush of wind through my hair. For the first time in weeks, I felt like I was free and not trying to escape my past.

  I entered Central Park at 110th Street. I got onto Park Drive and traversed the park quickly. This was the first time I’d rollerbladed since last summer. I’d been itching to blade but had been scared to go out roaming on my own. I didn’t care anymore. At the moment, I was in the zone, meditating while I swung my body forward.

  After going around the loop once, I exited on 59th Street and headed downtown. I negotiated the traffic easily. Staring at the lights of Times Square, I felt like a tourist, it’d been so long since I’d been south of 114th Street. I hit Chelsea Piers and checked out the flamboyant gay scene of NYC.

  “Damn, I love this city!” I screamed. The queens stared at me strangely. I bladed along the West Side Highway and entered Battery Park City and didn’t stop until I reached my spot, Purple Lights, a little pier protruding into the water at the southern edge of Manhattan, just north of Battery Park. I sat down, pulled out a joint and my journal. I wrote while I puffed, taking deep totes of the putrid smelling greens.

  “Smells good,” said a scraggly white guy that was walking by.

  “Want the rest ?” I offered generously. I passed him the half smoked joint, put my back pack on and rolled away.

  “Thanks, dude,” he yelled after me.

  I roamed southern Manhattan, taking my time now. I rolled through Wall Street, staring at the men in suits. God, I love a man in a suit, I thought to myself. So clean and classy.

  I became annoyed with the increasing number of people on the streets and looked at my watch. Duh, it was rush hour. It was 5:30 pm so everyone was heading home. I felt SoHo beckoning me and turned north thinking I should start heading back. Ignoring my instincts, I roamed the streets of SoHo window shopping. By the time I realized, the sun was low over the Jersey skyline. “Damn, it’ll be dark soon. I should head back.”

  I started rollerblading uptown, taking the side streets so as to avoid the jammed major arteries. I took out my cell and dialed James. “I’m on my way back.”

  He stood silent on the line momentarily. “I was worried. You can’t bounce like that for hours without calling me. Not until this shit is over.”

  “I know. I’m sorry. I just needed…”

  “To get away. Yeah, so you said …” He sounded upset. “Did you eat? Do you need anything?”

  “No, I’ll pick something up on the way. You want a slice from Koronet?” I asked, extending an olive branch.

  “Sounds good. I’ll see you when you get here. How long will you be?”

  “I don’t know. Another hour or so.”

  “I’ll see you then.”

  “I love you, James, and I’m sorry.”

  “Yeah, me too. I’ll see you when you get here.”

  He seemed calm now. I was relieved when I hung up; at least he wouldn’t be fuming when I arrived. I didn’t want to face that after having such a great day.

  It was dark by the time I reached Riverside Drive. I was so focused on getting home that I didn’t hear or see the black Range Rover pulling up alongside me. When I finally became aware, it was too late. The backdoor flew open and a well-built arm reached out and grabbed me. I tried to scream, to fight but fell silent and blacked out when I unwillingly took a deep inhale of the noxious fumes coming from the handkerchief being held over my face.

  24

  I woke with a start. I’d dreamt again that Fabian had found me. Shivering violently, I tried to get up but couldn’t. I looked up and saw that my wrists were tightly knotted to a bedpost with strips of white fabric. My eyes widened and I tried to scream but my desperate shouts were muffled by the gag in my mouth. My heart pounded in my chest as I tried to twist my body free only to discover that my legs were bound as well, splayed open. I was naked. I began to cry heaving sobs. My body shook fiercely. My worst nightmare had become a reality.

  “Shut the fuck up!” I heard Fabian’s hateful voice from the other side of the room.

  I heard his footsteps approach the bed and trembled at the sight of his face, twisted in rage and disgust. “Oh, poor baby. What’s wrong? You scared?” He backhanded me across the face, I saw stars. “Now you gotta pay the piper, you fuckin’ whore! ¡Maldita sucia!”

  He mounted me. I tried to defend myself but resistance was futile. The combination of his weight and the shackles rendered me powerless against him. Fabian slapped me several times, making my head pound and nose bleed. I felt the cloth in my mouth moisten with my blood. Fabian glared at me laughing sinisterly. He punched me in the stomach and grabbed my breasts in his fists, twisting them while I writhed and moaned in agony.

  “Where’s my fuckin’ money, you fuckin’ dyke! ¡Traicionera! After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you gonna do me?!” He let go of my breasts and punched me across the temple. I passed out.

  25

  I was dragged into consciousness by a burning sensation in my pussy. I opened my eyes and smelled Fabian’s rancid breath on my face.

  “I was hoping you’d wake up,” he whispered evilly in my ear. I screamed inaudibly as he thrust into me.

  God, no! I prayed as he plunged into me brutally. I clenched my pelvic muscles hoping to drive him out but it only made him fuck me harder, sending searing spasms up my torso. Fabian bit my nipple viciously. I clamped my eyelids shut trying to block out the reality of
what was happening to me - the man that I’d loved fiercely for five years of my life was now raping and torturing me.

  “Open your eyes, sucia,” he yelled smacking me twice. I opened my swollen eyes and glared at him. I watched him while he assaulted me, cringing at the look of contempt on his grill. He clawed my body, pumping savagely, laughing at the tears rolling like rivers from my eyes. “Payback is a bitch!”

  I recoiled with disgust when I felt his body stiffen in orgasm. Fabian wiped his dick and smeared his sperm on my face. He dismounted and spat in my face. “Dirty bitch!”

  I cried quietly, my entire body heaved as I wept in desperation. I thought of James, ‘Where are you? Help me please.’ I wished I’d listened to him. If I’d paid attention to his concerns, I wouldn’t be in this heinous predicament. For the first time in over a month, I prayed.

  God, why have you forsaken me? Am I that evil a person? Do I not deserve your protection? Ay Dios, por favor! I made a mistake. A stupid mistake! No matter what, I do not deserve this. I have never been a malicious person, never intentionally hurt anyone … only Fabian…I wanted him to feel what I felt so I went and did something very stupid. I didn’t think it through God … I know I deserve to be punished for my stupidity but this is too much. ¡Dios por favor, ayudame!

  Fabian smacked me out of my prayer. “Cry, bitch! Cry! Nothing can compare to the tears I cried when I found out what you did. It’s not even about the money. I got ten times that amount in the street. You of all people know that.” I was shocked to see tears rolling down his face. “You left me, India. You just walked out on me and shacked up with that pussy nigga, James. What’d you think, I wouldn’t find out?” He punched me twice in the ribs. I winced and coughed as I felt a rib crack. “You don’t know me by now, India? You thought you were just gonna get away with it? Thought you were gonna live happily ever after with that pallazo? Thought you’d spend my money with that faggot? Huh?” He smacked me hard making blood pour out of my nose. “Why, India, why?” he bawled. “Why’d you do it? For the money? I would have given you that and more? Or is it that he fucked you better than me?”

  I shook my head vehemently.

  “No? Oh, so it’s not true? You weren’t fuckin’ him? You gonna sit there and lie to me and tell me you didn’t fuck that wack ass nigga?” His eyes were filled with a loathing I’d never seen. It frightened me to my core. “So I’m lying?!”

  He stormed across the room and returned with my journal. My eyes widened with despair. I squirmed, trying uselessly to get loose. I shrank into myself as he read my private thoughts.

  Date - April 15: I slept with James last night. I can’t believe I slept with my best friend. I can’t express the way it felt. For the first time in a long time, I felt loved, special. The way he held me, the way he ate me out … Ooooooh

  Fabian threw the book at my head. It struck me on the forehead and opened a nasty gash. I felt the blood trickle down into my matted hair. Fabian jumped on top of me and wrapped his hands around my throat. I gagged, struggling for air. My eyes bulged as I looked at him pleadingly. He glared at me fixedly, snot running out of his nose, his mouth distorted into a malicious sneer. Suddenly I felt my body slacken. So this is it, I thought. This is how it’s going to happen … how I am going to die.

  Fabian let me go at once. His face softened and eyes filled with fear as he saw me coughing harshly, gasping for breath. He removed the gag to aid me and watched worriedly as I turned from blue to red. When I’d caught my breath, the sneer returned to his lips.

  “You ain’t getting off that easy, bitch! By the time I’m done with you, you’re gonna wish you were dead.” He punched me twice more in the stomach and the head. I faked unconsciousness. I knew only that would end this onslaught.

  26

  I kept my eyes shut praying that he’d leave. After a short time, God finally answered my prayers. I heard Fabian’s heavy footsteps as they retreated. A door slammed and a lock bolted. I opened my eyes slowly after waiting a minute or two. My left eye was almost swollen shut but I could just make out the images around me. From the dank smell of the room and the low cinderblock ceiling, I could tell I was in a basement.

  “I have to get out of here,” I whispered through my cracked and swollen lips, realizing abruptly that Fabian hadn’t put the gag back on. I heaved a sigh and winced at the piercing pain that pounded my side. I was certain that I had a cracked rib, if not more. My entire body ached but I forced my attention away from the agony. I had to get out of there. There was no time to wallow in my sorrow or assess my injuries. I had to get out!

  I looked up at my bindings and noticed that though I was still shackled, my left wrist had loosened during the struggle with Fabian. I pulled on my arm slightly ignoring the sting from my raw flesh rubbing against the rough fabric. I had to check the tightness of the knot and try to figure out how it had loosened. When I pulled, I saw that the knot was weak. The more I pulled, the looser it became. My heart rate accelerated when I saw that I almost had it. When I heard what sounded like footsteps I abandoned my efforts. I couldn’t let my tormentor see that I had almost freed myself. He’d just retie me even tighter, and I’d have to start from scratch. I didn’t think he intended on letting me live that long.

  I again feigned unconsciousness when Fabian walked into the room. He walked over to me and brushed my hair aside in a seemingly loving manner. I recoiled and shot my eyes open when I felt a damp cloth against my face. I was shocked to find that he was wiping my face off. Without saying a word, Fabian cleaned the blood off my face and tended to my wounds.

  “Sshhh.” He silenced me softly when I whimpered as he cleaned my injuries with alcohol. When he was done, he gave me some water to drink and asked if I was hungry. I shook my head and turned my face away. I was confused by his actions but hadn’t this always been Fabian? Cruel one moment and tender the next. I became angry at myself when I felt the tears well up in my eyes. There’s no time for this India, I lectured.

  Suddenly, Fabian was on me again. I felt the cold steel of a gun against my temple and recognized the murderous look in his eyes. I was terrified, no doubt, but somehow felt that he was not going to kill me, at least not this way.

  “Look at me, bitch,” Fabian muttered through clenched teeth. I looked at Fabian trying to think of what to say.

  “Is this what you want? To see me battered and broken? To have me at your mercy? Well, you got it.” I let the tears flow from my eyes freely.

  “Oh, now I’m supposed to feel bad for you?” He dug the gun into my temple. I cried out feebly. “Well, I don’t feel bad. I don’t feel shit for you anymore, you fuckin’ ho!” He gritted his teeth but his eyes betrayed him. I could see that he still loved me. Beneath his resentment and malevolence, I still held a space in his heart. I had to take advantage of this weakness.

  “I loved you, Fabian. Loved you like I’ve never loved before and will never love again.” I cried as I felt the firearm cut into my skin. “You think you’re the only one that’s hurting?” I began to howl as I thought about our tumultuous relationship. “No one’s ever hurt me the way you have!”

  I was relieved when Fabian removed the gun from my brow. He fell on my chest sobbing. I let him cry and faked concern. “I’m sorry, pa. I’m sorry I abandoned you but…I was just so brokenhearted …I…I couldn’t take it…I had to run away …” Fabian looked at me. My heart pounded hoping he bought my insincere apologies. “Please, baby. Forgive me. Please … let me go … Please …”

  Fabian sat back on the bed and let his eyes scan my body. I wished I could read his mind. “So now that I got you like this, you want me to forgive you, right? I’m supposed to believe that you still love me, right?” Before I could deceptively proclaim my love, he jumped on me and started pistol whipping me. I bellowed in sheer anguish and excruciating pain. I felt my bones shatter beneath the weight of the gun. Mercifully, I blacked out.

  The pounding in my head eventually brought me back to reality. My left eye was no
w swollen shut and I could barely keep the right one open due to the agonizing ache in my head. But I knew that I didn’t have the luxury of considering my wounmds. I was certain that if I did not get out now, I would die at the hands of my first love. I remained still and silent for a while to ensure that I was alone in the room before I went to work on the knot again. When I was certain, I began pulling at my arm disregarding the cramping in my body. I whimpered quietly when my arm came loose. “Oh God, please. Help me get out of here.” The salty tears stung my bruised face.

  I used my free hand to unravel the knot that bound my right wrist. When I tried to raise my body to untie the fetters on my ankles, I screeched in pain. The loud noise startled me and I lay back down, fearful that Fabian would hear and return to rebind me and sadistically strike me again. I held my breath nervously as I listened for a sound but heard only silence. Slowly, I raised my battered body. I held my side with one hand and freed myself with the other.

  Before getting out of the bed, I scanned the room for any signs of exit. I’d heard Fabian lock the door behind him earlier so I knew that probably wasn’t an option. I got up and tried the door anyway only to find that my suspicions were correct - the door was bolted shut. In the far left hand corner of the room, over a disheveled couch, I saw a small window. I limped over to it and determined that with effort I could fit my body through but first I had to find something to break the window with. I knew that as soon as I shattered the glass, I would have to hurry out because Fabian was certain to hear the crash.

  I searched the room and found the pail with bloody water that Fabian used to clean my wounds. I emptied the water, climbed atop the couch and practiced my intended movements. I didn’t bother to consider that I was naked, that I didn’t know where I was or where I was going. My only thought was getting out of there fast.