I stood on College Walk staring at my graduating class as they bustled about, passing bottles of champagne, smoking cigars and cheering their accomplishment. I unzipped my gown a little and discreetly pulled a blunt from my cleavage. “We can’t graduate without celebrating with an L.” I flaunted my nicely rolled L, passing it under James’s nose.
“Mmm, it’s the good shit too!”
“Northern lights, baby! This shit costs $400 for a half an ounce but it’s worth every penny.” I took a deep whiff of the grajo smelling ganja. “Let’s go find a seat.” I led us toward the middle of the crowd.
As soon as the President of the University began his longwinded speech, I lit the L. “Here’s to the beginning of the rest of our lives.” We gave each other high fives and ciphered the L.
“Damn, that shit smells incredible,” I heard someone say behind me. I turned to see a preppie white dude smiling hopefully at me. His face dropped when he saw the bruises on my face. I’d tried to hide them the best I could with makeup but the darkest ones around my eye and the left side of my face were still visible, more so in the mid-morning sun.
“Want some?” I asked, ignoring the dude’s reaction. I passed him the blunt. “Congrats!”
The prep passed me a glass of champagne, “Cristal, baby! Enjoy and congrats to you as well.”
As the ganja-induced bliss penetrated, I thought about the events of the past few weeks. Who thought I’d be sitting here after all that craziness?
“I’m finally fuckin’ free!” I said too loud. “Oops,” I giggled as several graduates turned to look at me with big grins.
When my name was called, I walked onto the stage proudly. I still was in awe of myself. As I shook the president’s hand, I took off my cap and flashed it to the crowd. FREEDOM! was sprawled across the top. The president smirked and the crowd broke into stomach clutching laughter as I one hand cart wheeled my way off the stage.
35
I sipped my drink as I stared around the crowded room. These people are crazy! I thought. Mom, Professor D and James had surprised me with a graduation party. I turned to look at James who was ogling me with a big grin on his face.
“Surprised?”
“Surprised isn’t the word! But this is your day too, pa.”
“Nah, this is all about you babe,” James leaned over to kiss me on the forehead. “Oh, you look stunning in that dress by the way.” He stared at me up and down and nodded his head approvingly.
“Oh, this old thing,” This dress is off the hook, I thought looking down at myself. It was a low cut, plum colored Dior dress. I had initially wanted to buy a short Versace dress I’d seen in a magazine but my legs were still scratched up from my run in the woods. I fell in love with the Dior dress as soon as I saw it in the store. The long sleeve dress had a plunging neckline that stopped right below my breasts, was fitted around my torso and bottom, then draped loosely to my ankles. The salesman had generously created a matching make-shift glove to cover the cast that I still donned on my wrist.
“Nice touch,” James added, tapping the cast.
“You look quite spiffy yourself!” I giggled and jabbed him on the lapel of his dark grey Armani suit.
I looked over at my mother who was on the dance floor trying to teach Professor D how to dance salsa. “Look at them. They’re hilarious!” I pointed at the duo and giggled. “Wanna dance?” Before I could take his hand, my phone rang. “Who the hell is this?” I thought aloud. The people closest to me, anyone who would have my new number, were all in the hall celebrating my graduation. I looked at the screen but didn’t recognize the number. “Hello?”
“Hello stranger.”
My blood turned to ice. I knew that voice anywhere. It was Fabian.
“How’d you get this number?” I asked frightened. I had changed my number and thought I’d ensured it was unlisted.
“I have my ways.” He said coldly then his voice changed abruptly. “Look, I just called to say congratulations. You got what you always wanted, right?”
“That’s right, no thanks to you.” I felt suddenly brave. He was facing more than 50 years in prison. There was no way he could hurt me now.
Fabian snickered. “That’s a gorgeous purple dress you’re wearing.”
My hands started to tremble so hard I almost dropped the phone. I whirled around, scanning the crowd, searching for who, I didn’t know. “How? … Who?” I stuttered.
“I’m glad to see you and your mom made up. Now you’re a fuckin’ happy family, huh?” he mocked frostily.
“¡Hijo de tu máldita madre!” I yelled. I heard Fabian laugh callously. Then all I heard was the dial tone.
36
I stared at the dilapidated building unable to decide on my next move. I was livid. I could feel my heart pounding in my throat, my nostrils flared. I held my tongue as I recalled the officer’s words, “The call was traced to a Lynette Cintrón.”
As soon as he saw the expression on my face, he knew the name was familiar to me. “Look, India, I wasn’t supposed to give you this information. I could lose my job for this shit. Don’t do anything stupid!”
I smiled, winked my eye and traced my finger behind his ear. His face flushed with embarrassment. I’d used my feminine wiles to get the detective to provide me with the confidential information. I knew very well that Fabian couldn’t have called me himself from the inside, that he’d have to have had someone three-way me. I also knew that the call could be traced rather easily. All it took was a flash of cleavage, fitted hip-hugger jeans and some good old-fashioned flirting, and I’d gotten the information I’d wanted. I didn’t, however, expect Lynette’s name to come out of the cop’s mouth.
“Don’t worry, pa. Your job isn’t in any danger.”
“Fabian won’t be bothering you anymore, hun. He’s been put in solitary, has ruined any remote chance he had of getting out on bail, and all his calls and mail are being monitored. You’re safe now.”
I laughed a hollow, ironic chuckle. “Safe? You don’t know Fabian.”
“We’ve been after that guy for years. You brought him down. We feel indebted to you, India. And you know I wouldn’t let anything happen to that fine ass of yours.” He licked his cracked lips. “So, when you gonna let me take you out for dinner, lady? You owe me, you know.”
I faked a smile. This fat, balding Irish cop had no chance of ever bagging me. I did, however, find his confidence entertaining. “Let me take care of some things and I’ll give you a call.”
I planted a moist peck on his cheek and giggled as I walked out of the 34th precinct, his card in my hand. I took a cab straight to Lynette’s building on Sherman Avenue.
As I sat in the car, I pondered what I should do. I knew I couldn’t act recklessly. I had to plan this out. My revenge had to be sweet and neat. Several times, I almost bailed out, almost opted to just walk away from it all without taking any action but my pride didn’t let me. My resentment fueled my will to get back at Lynette for her treachery. I had to at least confront her, tell her how I felt, how she’d hurt me.
My flight was booked. I’d reserved it the day after graduation. I had to get the fuck out of the city. I needed time away from everything and everybody; time to clear my head. But before I left, I had to take care of this last issue. I’d honestly been stunned by the revelation but as I thought about it further, not only did I become increasingly enraged, it also became clear that the news should not have come as such a huge shock. It’s true that hindsight is 20/20. As I looked back, I realized that the chick had been jealous of me from jump. As my mother always said, la envidia no mata pero sí mortifica, envy is a torturous emotion.
I knew she’d fucked him while I was with him and now that I was putting the picture together, it was apparent they’d done more than fuck. They’d maintained a relationship all the while he and I were together. Now he was using her to get to me… I tried to calm myself down. I didn’t want to resort to violence. I’d left that part of my life behind me when I
left Bushwick to go to boarding school but at this point, I had little patience for anyone especially Lynette. The more I mulled over her betrayal, the more I felt she had to pay for being such a devious bitch. Her just deserts were long overdue.
Before going up to her apartment, I paid a Chinese delivery guy to knock on her door. I had to make sure she was there and she was alone. When I received confirmation, I banged on her door.
“You order Chinese food,” I asked with the best Chinese accent I could conjure.
She opened the door with an annoyed look on her mug. The minute she saw me, I saw fear in her eyes but she tried to conceal it with a grimace. “What the fuck do you want?”
I felt my boiling blood rush to my head. I took a deep breath in an effort to keep my hands to my side. I had instinctively coiled them into fists and was fighting the urge to pummel her.
“I came to talk to you. We have a lot discuss, don’t you think?”
“Nice black eyes you got there.” I glared at her as she taunted me, my nails cutting into my palms. “Did my boy Fabian do …” I didn’t let her finish her sentence. I punched her so hard in the mouth, the skin on my knuckles popped. I pushed my way into the apartment and pounced on her. I could no longer restrain myself.
I punched and kicked her until my body ached and sweat dripped from my brow. Then I collapsed against the wall and spat in her bloodied face as she whimpered.
“That’s for fuckin’ my man while you played like you was my girl and for helping him stalk me while he’s locked up!” The thought rejuvenated me and I stood up and jumped on her again. She balled herself into fetal position and yelped with every kick.
Suddenly something came over me. It was like I was outside myself; I saw my body flailing against Lynette’s helpless form, the expression on my face was that of a mad woman who was taking extreme pleasure in the pain she was inflicting upon another. I backed up against the wall, tears cascaded from my eyes. I realized what I’d done, what I’d become. It wasn’t that I felt bad for Lynette; she didn’t deserve my empathy. It was more that in my frenzy to get back at her, I’d adopted some of Fabian’s traits. I’d been sadistic and cruel and felt a strange euphoric joy knowing that I was causing Lynette physical anguish. The last person I wanted to be like was Fabian and there I was doing just that. I backed up towards the door and glared at Lynette’s pitiful body.
“You were supposed to be my homegirl! I looked out for you! I was your only genuine friend! How could you?! Why did you have to do me like that? Why? What did I do to deserve that? I never fucked you over! I didn’t do shit to deserve what you did! You knew how much I loved him, how I suffered for him! Why? Just tell me why!”
She stirred and looked at me through swollen eyes. She pushed her battered body up, spat some blood on the floor and wiped her face. With a sneer, she began her envy riddled rant.
“What about me, yo? Did you ever ask me how I felt? I’d loved that nigga for years before you came into the picture. I had a chance until you came along. Then you stole the spotlight. You were so fuckin’ cute and skinny, had such potential. You had a future and a nigga that loved you. What the fuck did I have? I was a chubby high school dropout whose parents never gave a rat’s ass about her! My mother beat the shit out of me while my father molested me! But you, you had it all and didn’t see that. You didn’t care about anything or anybody else. What did I have?” She collapsed and sobbed into her hands.
For the first time, I saw how truly pathetic Lynette was and I pitied her. I saw how life had defeated her and stolen her innocence. She didn’t realize that she’d been disloyal to the only true friend she’d ever had, that she’d cheated herself. Instead of finding someone to love her, she’d focused all her energy on Fabian, on a love unrequited. She’d fallen into Fabian’s trap in the same manner I had. She’d fallen victim to his charm and he preyed on her gullibility, on her passion for him. He’d used her time and time again and she permitted it and remained silent because in her eyes, he was all she had.
I looked around the studio apartment. The décor was drab, the furniture cheap. “You think that nigga really loved you? He didn’t love either one of us, Lynette. He loved the control he had over us, that’s what he loved. Damn girl, the least you could’ve done was get him to spend some money on you. This nigga got you livin’ in a building that’s falling apart, on furniture that looks secondhand. That’s what you think you’re worth? Being ‘la otra’ while he had his mujer laced in a condo? I guess I never really knew you, huh?”
I shook my head simultaneously sympathetic and repulsed. “Now we’re even. Stay the fuck away from me Lynette and stop helping that rat bastard. If you do, I’ll know and I’ll come for you.”
I threw two hundred dollars on the floor next to her. “Go see a doctor and get yourself cleaned up. I’m sorry it had to go down like this.” I walked out without a second look.
37
I sipped my Call a Cab mixed drink and looked out onto Ocean Drive from the second floor of Wet Willie’s. When I’d decided to leave NYC, I knew immediately that I was heading to South Beach. The last time I’d felt free, I was in this city so I knew that’s where I needed to be. The only person I’d told that I was leaving was my mom. I’d made her suffer enough. After everything I’d put her through, I didn’t want to add insult to injury by having her worry about my whereabouts.
I inhaled deeply and allowed the crisp salty smell of the ocean to consume me. The past several months had been wrought with horror but I’d come out of it all sane and alive. I wasn’t unscathed but I wasn’t broken either. Although I didn’t have a plan for my future, it didn’t look as bleak as it had not too long ago and that knowledge appeased me. My ringing phone knocked me out of my revelry.
“What up, nena? What you doin’?”
Although I was happy to hear James’s voice, I knew I didn’t want to see him at the moment. “Nothing. I’m just chillin.”
“What up yo? Let’s get up for an L or something.”
“Nah, I can’t. I’m kinda… far.”
“That’s nothing. Just tell me where you at.”
“James, I’m far, far, pa. Like out of the state far. I needed to get away.” My voice trailed off. I didn’t know what to say to James these days. We hadn’t spoken about what happened between us but I knew it was on his mind. I loved him as my boy, for everything he’d done and continued to do for me, but I still wasn’t sure if I could take it there with him and wasn’t feeling up to considering it either.
“Oh it’s like that. You just bounce and don’t tell a nigga anything. India, it’s me, J. I’m the one nigga in your life you can trust. Tell me you know that.”
“It’s not about you right now, pa. I don’t know if you can understand that and I’m sorry. I just need to be alone right now. I need time for me.”
“Yeah, aight. You take all the time you want.” He hung up without waiting for further explanation. He was bitter but I had to focus on me, on healing, on reinvigorating myself.
I gulped the last of my drink and walked out onto Ocean Drive. I was deliberating taking a walk along the water when I felt a delicate touch on the small of my back. I turned and was shocked to see Anais beaming at me. She was certainly a sight for sore eyes.
“Muchacha, what are you doing down here?” she asked as she kissed me on the cheek.
“Living, girl, finally living.”
I filled Anais in on the ghastly turn that my life had taken since our tryst. She listened stunned to tears as we walked along the water’s edge but was elated to hear that I’d finally been able to claw Fabian out from under my skin. Before we knew it, the sun was rising over the horizon, heralding a new day.
“Damn, time flies when you’re caught up in good conversation, huh?” I joked.
“So, where are you staying?”
“Oh, I have a suite at the Loews. I figure, I might as well spend Fabian’s money spoiling myself.”
“Shit bella, that nigga did so much foul shit
to you, you still end up holding the short end of the stick if you ask me. No money is going to erase those scars he left on your soul.”
“Well, I’m not trying to carry that baggage for the rest of my life. What happened, happened, you know. It’s time for me to live, to be free. If I let those experiences dictate my every move, he’ll have won. I have to move on.”
“True that. So what are your plans?”
“I don’t know. That’s actually one of the reasons I came down here. To get my head straight and figure out what I’m going to do next. I have my whole life ahead of me. I can finally focus on me and that’s what I intend on doing.”
“No better day to start than today.”
I smirked and kissed her on the forehead. “I’m glad I ran into you. I have an idea. How about we go freshen up and get some breakfast at the News Café. Then we can partake in one of my favorite pastimes - shopping.”
“Sounds like a plan to me, bella.”
We spent the next two weeks shopping at Miami’s exclusive boutiques and enjoying the city’s infamous nightlife.
38
To my relief, Anais didn’t once try to push up on me. It’s not that she wasn’t attractive. Anais was one of the most gorgeous, sensual women I’d ever come across but considering what I’d been through, I just wasn’t feeling up to being sexual with anyone. Although I’d planned on spending time alone, Anais was a welcome distraction. It felt good to have a female friend in my life. I hadn’t had a genuine female counterpart since my friendship with Lynette. I’d forgotten how much fun it could be. We spent our days talking, tanning and shopping. Then we’d pretty ourselves up, and drink and dance the night away.
From our lengthy conversations I’d learned that like me, Anais had come to Miami to escape her life in New York. When she’d first started stripping, she’d done it to put herself through school. Somewhere along the line, she’d gotten lost in the lure of money and drugs.
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