One day, during one of our late night talks she confided, “You know, you made me open my eyes, bella.”
“How so?” I asked with a puzzled look.
“Well, that night we met, when you told me that you were about to graduate from college, I have to admit I was jealous. I mean, that’s something I always wanted to do. Then I saw how your man abused you and that you did it in spite of your circumstances and I realized that I could do it too. But first I had to get out of the stripping world. That’s why I’m here.”
“So we’re both running away from our demons. The only difference is that our demons have different faces but they’re still demons.” I took a deep tote from the L and passed it to her.
“I remember the first day I stripped like it was yesterday. I had to get piss drunk before I got on that stage. From day one I used alcohol to numb me, then I moved up to cocaine. The last night I was there, I saw this dancer OD. That’s when I knew for sure I had to get out. I thought about you and what you were doing and it gave me hope.”
“There’s absolutely nothing you can’t do if you set your mind to it girl. Nothing!” We stared at one another. For a quick second I felt the urge to kiss her but stopped myself. I knew I wasn’t ready for intimacy. I jumped up and broke the awkward silence. “How about some seafood tonight? I’m starving!”
I spent the next few weeks fighting my impulses. I’d begun to question my sexuality. I’d never really considered it seriously until now. Was I a lesbian? There was no denying that I was enticed by beautiful women and Anais was striking. Her skin was the color of cinnamon, her features defined, and her eyes piercing. Her body was exquisite; her legs long and well-toned, her torso lean, breasts sumptuous. I would watch her as she dressed and noticed that she’d linger so that I could take her all in. After playing this game for several days, it was she who made the first move.
I stepped out of the shower to find her standing at the door. She scanned my bare body before saying in almost a whisper, “I’ve seen you watching me, India. I’ve been watching you too. I just…” I kissed her before she could finish.
At first the kisses were slow and deliberate. They soon became increasingly intense and passionate. Our hands roamed flesh while we blindly made our way to the bed.
“It’s my turn!” I exclaimed with a seductive wink. I lay her down on the bed and went to work. I ran my hands through her hair while I kissed her neck. I moved on to her breasts, using my hands to hold them together while I alternated licking each nipple with the tip of my tongue. I watched her bite her lip with ecstasy. Little by little, I made my way down her torso, lightly sucking every inch of her warm skin. Her Brazilian wax made my mouth water in anticipation.
I put my finger to her lips and whispered, “Guide me.” She smiled and obeyed. I followed her, doing to her clitoris what she did to my finger. I grazed my lips and tongue over her clit and felt her shiver. I took her into my mouth and began to stimulate her with circular motions, entwining my tongue with her clit, first slowly then with increasing vigor. I began to flick her clit in a vertical motion, making it a point to lick its full length before moving down. As I took it into my mouth and began to suck and gyrate, I placed a finger into her and found her G-spot. She moaned and her body stiffened. I continued to tease her, first moving my mouth and finger slow then fast then slow again when I felt her nearing climax. I finally relented when she yelped in desperation. I took her into my mouth and flitted my tongue rapidly over her clitoris while I stroked her G-spot with mounting intensity. Anais grabbed my hair and screamed while she came, her juices squirted and dripped down my chin and hand.
“India. Oh my God, India!” she yelled in delight as I continued eating until goose bumps rose on her flesh. She dissolved into a panting heap when I resurfaced. I wiped the sweat from her forehead and smiled at her.
“We’re not done yet, Missy.”
She whimpered when she saw me take out my trusty buddy, a vibrator equipped with a prong for clitoral stimulation. Before she could contest, I had taken her pussy into my mouth again.
I waited until Anais’s eyes were closed in rapture before introducing my toy. As soon as she heard it, her eyes shot open. “I’ve never tried one of those,” she admitted with a pout.
“Oh, you’ll love it, precious. Just relax.” She acquiesced, loosening her muscles and closing her eyes. I introduced the vibrator delicately, alternating between the toy and my tongue. When I felt her respond, I increased the use of the vibrator, watching her contort as I thrusted in slow motions. She shrieked loudly begging me to stop but I knew that it was the opposite she really wanted. I watched her as she peaked again, a sweet smile on her lips, eyes clenched shut.
“I’ve never in my life had such an intense orgasm,” she whispered in between gasps and giggles.
I took her into my arms and cradled her. Before I knew it, she was asleep. I looked into her magnificent face and wondered if I could ever fall in love with a woman, with this woman. As I stared at her, a pang of guilt struck me. I was suddenly aware that I hadn’t considered Anais’s feelings. I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone in my quest to find myself. I placed her gently onto the pillow and walked out onto the balcony.
The night was warm and star strewn. I could hear the ocean crashing against the shore and could just make out figures walking along the beach. I leaned against the railing and stared out into the night.
What am I doing? What is it I want? I just slept with this woman with no thought as to how she’s feeling. Could I be with her or any woman for that matter? On a deeper level than just a sexual one? I stretched and felt the weeks of insufficient rest overcome me. I lay down next to Anais and watched her steady breathing form until my eyes closed in slumber.
I awoke the next morning relieved to find that I was alone in bed. I found Anais sitting on the balcony sipping coffee. She’d ordered every breakfast item on the menu unsure of what I’d prefer. She’d also found the time to get a lavish bouquet of wild orchids. She’d picked some out and laid them ornately around the table. The entire scene looked grandiose against the splendid blue of the cloudless sky. It was also far too romantic for my confused state. I reluctantly sidled to my seat and sat down with a slight frown on my face. I tried to appear grateful but my lack of enthusiasm was difficult to hide.
“Look India, I only did this to thank you for giving me the most incredible orgasms of my life.” Anais giggled trying to lighten the tense mood.
I smiled and looked at her. Even with her hair disheveled and no makeup, Anais was naturally dazzling. Guilt ate away at me.
“Anais, I …”
“Don’t India. I know what happened yesterday was just a moment. You don’t have to explain it to me. You’re going through some craziness right now. You don’t have to add me to the clutter in your head. I’m here for you as a friend, bella.”
“It wasn’t just a moment, Anais. I’m just not sure where my heart is right now. I honestly don’t know if I can ever be with a woman beyond the sex, you know.”
“I know exactly what you mean. I went through that myself. I came to realize that I’m bisexual. That’s just me though.”
“I don’t know if it’s that simple though. There’s just so many gray areas. I mean, I don’t see myself settling down with a woman but that doesn’t mean that I’m not attracted to women. Does that mean I’m bisexual or have bisexual tendencies?” I groaned at my annoying habit of over-thinking.
“In essence darling, you’re straight. It is that simple, bella.”
I sighed and looked out onto the ocean. The clear blue waters enticed me.
“How about we go for a swim? I need some salt on my body.”
“I’m down. If you ask me India, and I know you haven’t, but bella you’re not gay. It’s just not in you.”
I looked at her perplexed; how did she know what I’d been thinking? I was too tired of breaking my head to try to figure it out. I grabbed a bagel, kissed her on the forehead and walked into the su
ite to dress for the beach.
I watched the glistening bodies walk by me as I lay out tanning. It was like 90% of the population of Miami Beach were either gym fiends or had spent thousands of dollars in plastic surgery making their bodies perfect. The men had chiseled physiques with eight pack abdominals. The women had perky, abundant breasts and their tight glutes were accentuated by the thongs they donned. It was a feast for the eyes. While I ogled, I thought about my dilemma.
I imagined what life might be like with a woman. Intimacy with a female was completely different; a woman’s touch was more tender, an encounter more delicate and stimulating on a more aesthetic level. On the other hand, sex with a man was a carnal pleasure I found irresistible. There was something about the rougher hand of a man, the feeling of being protected and dominated. The more I thought about it, the more I envisaged my life with a man. I turned to Anais who’d been watching me for I didn’t know how long.
“You know, you were grinding your teeth in your sleep last night. I’m surprised you didn’t gnash them to the root.”
“Yeah, I do that when I’m stressed,” I responded.
“So, have you come to any decisions?” she inquired with curiosity.
“Um...”
“Let me guess, you see your life with a man, right?”
Again I was mystified by her ability to read my mind. “What do you have ESP or something?”
“Yeah, I’m a witch bella, didn’t you know?” she laughed. “Nah, we’ve just talked so much over these past few weeks that I feel like I know you. Girl, you’re the ‘get married and have kids’ type. And there’s nothing wrong with that.”
“I think you’re right. There’s just nothing like a man.”
“You know, I have to agree but there’s also nothing like a woman.”
“Very true.” I sipped my drink and turned my gaze to the eye candy that crossed my view.
39
When we got back to the room, I soaked in a tub of eucalyptus and aloe essence. It struck me that I hadn’t thought about Fabian in days. This was perhaps the first time in years that I’d spent so extended a period without him in the forefront of my mind. I was proud of myself but at the same time, my heart palpitated at the mental image of him. I quickly jumped out of the bath and entered the room.
I was almost bowled over by the scene that was waiting for me. Anais had lit candles all around the room and scattered rose petals on the bed. She reclined seductively on the burgundy suede divan opposite the bed clad in a bone colored negligee, thigh highs and stiletto sandals. In one hand, she sipped what looked like champagne with cherries. With the other hand, she clutched the remote. Unexpectedly, Amber’s “Sexual” began to play in the background. Anais walked over to me and led me to the divan.
“Remember this song?”
“How could I forget?” She’d danced this song for me on the day we met at Sue’s. I smiled at the memory.
“This is what I imagined as I danced for you that night.” She began to sway her body in front of me. “I want to show you how I wanted it to be between just you and me. Can I show you?” She whispered this into my ear as she brushed her body against mine.
I didn’t answer. I couldn’t. I was spellbound. She stepped away and began to move, her hands glided over her body. In her years of stripping, Anais had gotten this down to an art form. She turned around and bounced her ass cheeks as she loosened her hair from its high ponytail, letting it fall down her back. She then turned around swiftly and fell to her knees. She crawled to me, mouthing the words to the song as she made her way. “You say how much you value our friendship/ but aren’t you addicted to my perfume.”
She inched her way in between my legs and traced the contours of my face with her fingertip. She grazed her lips against mine as she opened my robe and let it hang loosely off my shoulders, exposing my taut nipples. She took one into her mouth as she massaged the other in between two fingers. My breathing became labored as I tried to control myself.
She stroked my torso with wet kisses as she moved linearly towards my craving, hairless pussy. She wasted no more time. She began to eat me with force, taking my entire clitoris into her mouth, massaging it with the length of her tongue. I threw my head back and groaned with delight. I felt tingles all over my body. I clenched the divan with my fists and curled my toes as I felt myself ready to explode. To my thrilled surprise, she didn’t let me peak just yet. She retreated and entered me with her index finger and began to thrust into me. I gasped for air, biting my lower lip in desperation and moaning loudly. She then took me entirely into her mouth again, stimulating my clitoris with both her tongue and her lips, her head shaking as she tortured me. I screamed as I felt myself explode. She wrapped her arms around my thighs so that I couldn’t pull away, making me orgasm several more times in succession. Tears streamed from my eyes as my hairs stood on end and my body buckled exhausted onto the divan.
When I opened my eyes again, it was early morning. I’d unintentionally fallen asleep after the countless orgasms. I turned to see Anais nestled next to me. My mistress of seduction had apparently tired herself out as well.
I pulled away slowly so as not to wake her and walked out onto the balcony. I could hear the feint sounds of parties going on below. I was no longer beguiled by the sounds. I’d done enough partying in the past few weeks to last me a lifetime.
At once I understood that it was time for me to leave. Time for me to go back to New York, to face what I’d been running from. I rolled a small blunt and puffed it while I watched the sunrise. The splendor of the swirl of colors against the expanse of ocean reassured me. I was finally certain that I was ready to tackle my demons. I was tired of running. My time away had served it’s purpose. I was once again whole, something I hadn’t been in a long time. Although the impending still frightened me to some extent, I was no longer afraid to confront it. I’d gathered my strength. I’d revived my spirit and wanted to seize the moment.
I heard Anais’s footsteps behind me and passed her the L without looking. She took it and sat next to me, put her head on my shoulder and sighed.
“You’re ready, aren’t you?”
“Yet again you baffle me with your ability to peer into my mind.” We faced one another. “I don’t know if I could have done it without you, preciosa.” I tenderly pushed her hair behind her ears. “You are a true friend and I hope that we will always remain.”
“You were always ready, bella. You’re stronger than you realize. I knew last night when I seduced you.” She giggled. “It was our last hurrah as they say.” She gestured the air with the L as if toasting. “I’ll be a phone call away if anything but this is where I need to be right now.”
“I know. I’ll miss you though.” I kissed her on the forehead and hugged her tightly, blinking back the tears.
“Don’t start that shit, girl.” She shoved me away and pursed her lips. “This is an ‘I’ll see you later’ not a goodbye, understand?”
“No doubt.” We looked out onto the horizon and smoked in silence as the sun bared it’s full form.
40
I was so immersed in writing in my new journal that I almost missed my flight. Anais had bought me a lovely new writing book as a going away gift. “Write it all down,” she said as she kissed me goodbye. I could swear I saw her wipe her eyes as she walked away but I couldn’t be sure.
My heart began to race when I boarded the plane but I found solace in my journal. The effects were instantly therapeutic. I wrote without thinking. I simply let my pen glide across the paper. It did so with ease, drawing inspiration from the bizarre and often time ghastly events that I’d endured in the past several years of my life. Before I knew it, the pilot announced that we were landing in several minutes.
The sight of the infamous New York skyline brought a smile to my face. I became conscious of how much I’d missed my home, my city. It felt good to be back. There was much to do and I was going to waste no time doing it. I knew what my first destination wo
uld be.
Professor Daines opened the door in her nightgown. She rubbed her eyes and looked at me through squinting eyes. It was well past midnight. I knew she’d probably be sleeping but I was too anxious to see her so I showed up at her apartment.
“Child, what in the world are you doing knocking on my door at this obscene hour?” she said half-joking. She embraced me firmly and led me into her kitchen. “Let me make us some coffee. I have a feeling what you’re about to tell me is intense and I want to be fully alert for it.”
“No need for coffee, Professor Daines… I mean Joanna,” I corrected myself quickly in response to her stern look. “Nothing ghastly has occurred, not since, well, you know …”
Joanna put her hand on my shoulder and gave it a comforting squeeze. “I’m not used to being up at this hour, honey. I don’t mind if it’s for you but this woman is getting old. I need coffee to keep my eyes open and my head steady.” She chuckled. “You talk while I put a pot on.”
“Do you think I’m too young to write a memoir?”
Joanna stopped scooping the grinds into the coffee maker and turned to look at me with an enormous grin. “You’re never too young to write a memoir. At least I don’t think so. And from what I know about your life, you certainly have enough material.”
“Well, I’ve been thinking about what you’ve told me for years. You know, that I should consider a career in writing and I thought why the hell not. I’ve been writing my entire life. I mean, I haven’t really written in some time because my mind’s been preoccupied with other things. I don’t need to explain that cuz you know all too well. Anyway, today I picked up a pen and I haven’t been able to stop. It was like a dam had been holding back this tremendous flow, and now the dam is splintered and I can’t hold back the surge. I really think I’ve got something here.”
“You have so much more than you realize. Wait here for a minute. I just have to go to my study.” She returned with several thick, overstuffed folders and passed them to me. I stared at her confused. “Well, open them silly.”
Woman's Cry Page 12
