But in the end, love wasn’t something I thought myself capable of. How could someone as damaged as me function in that way? In love was not the same as loving someone, and I could only stretch myself so far.
I brought Bennett to Adalyn’s house, keeping quiet for the ride. Bennett seemed calm and normal somehow as if what he said didn’t affect him all that much. How could he be like this when I felt so much anxiety?
“Hi,” he said, greeting Adalyn with a smile when she opened her door.
Adalyn’s hip dropped, and she looked at me with a little irritation. I hadn’t told her I invited him, and she didn’t like more than a few people around. Leaving him wasn’t an option…
She invited us in, and Riley sat on the couch with her injured leg on Wilson. It was wrapped up in a green cast that Wilson drew on, and it looked like Adalyn already had her way with it.
Adalyn’s dad walked into the room with a smile on his face and a tray of cookies in his hands. He gave a hug to Adalyn, and she sank into the recliner.
“Oh,” Riley sighed, throwing her head back. “You are a lovely person.”
The man handed her a few cookies, and she thanked him.
“Nice to meet you,” Bennett said, holding his hand out to shake Adalyn’s father’s. “I’m Bennett. I’m Layla’s friend.”
“I’m Grant. Adalyn’s dad. Obviously,” he added, sounding unsure of himself.
They dropped hands, and he offered Bennett cookies. He took a couple and went to sit beside me on the other couch. I stole one of his cookies and went back to mostly looking at the floor.
“How’s the foot?” I asked Riley.
She looked up from her cookie and made a face at the damage. “Not great. They have me on all kinds of pills for the pain. They make me sleepy.”
Adalyn’s father put the cookies on the coffee table as the oven dinged. He smiled and said, “Oh, my Tater Tots are done. Do you guys need anything else?”
Adalyn shook her head. “No, thanks, Dad.”
He excused himself for the kitchen, leaving us alone in the living room. Adalyn picked at her cookie, curling her legs up on the couch.
“Mom and Dad freaked,” Riley said. “When they got to the hospital, I thought they were going to lock me in my room for a year. Instead, they said they would let me come here if I agreed to go see Dr. Hastings an extra two times a month.”
I made a face of disapproval. I really didn’t like her parents. “Are you okay with that?”
Riley looked down at her lap. “I can’t really remember what happened after I fell, but Wilson and Adalyn told me that it got bad.”
“Yeah,” I agreed. “You really scared us, Riley.”
She looked guilty as if she did something wrong. Mentally, I thought she had it the second worst out of all of us, the winner being absent today for obvious reasons. Riley was the only one of us to slip so deeply back into that place. She had triggers where Adalyn and I didn’t.
“Do you think Dr. Hastings is going to make you take medicine?” Adalyn asked, breaking another cookie in half.
Riley shifted, looking uncomfortable. “I don’t want pills.”
Wilson patted her leg. “Baby, if they might help you, I think you should at least consider it. Your parents can’t force you into anything, so you can try them and stop if you don’t like it.”
She bobbed her head, watching the ceiling. “Yeah, I guess that’s true,” she said passively. I thought that was her way of saying she didn’t want to take anything at all.
The conversation fell silent.
This was awkward again. I didn’t even want to open my mouth with Bennett here. What could I say when the boy told me he loved me a half hour ago? It would all sound so stupid and meaningless.
“So…” Bennett started. “I heard back about that contest.”
My eyebrows rose with my interest. “Did you?”
Adalyn perked up, wiggling her nose as she looked up from her cookie. “Oh, did the cover artist email you back?”
What? Bennett didn’t tell me about a cover artist. Why would he tell Adalyn and not me?
Insecurity started poking at my mental walls, and I wanted to leave the room. He loved me. He told me he was in love with me, so it was crazy to worry that he might like my sister. Adalyn normally didn’t talk to people as easy as she talked to him, but it was like she was as comfortable with him as she was with Wilson, and I didn’t like it. I felt a claim on the boy I refused to keep, even when it wasn’t fair. He should be allowed to move on if he wanted to.
“She emailed me this morning,” Bennett said, leaning forward in his seat. He grabbed another cookie. “I sent her one back with some ideas.”
They talked, and I sat there glaring at the door. Oh, God. I was pouting. Pouting like a damn kid while someone played with the toy she rejected. Adalyn had every right to want him. Common sense said that she didn’t, but it still bothered me, the possibility.
He loved me. I played that conversation out in my head over and over again. The look in his eyes was so desperate and so damn angry at the same time. I liked it, and that was almost terrifying. I liked seeing him be capable of fire and passion. I had been so worried that he would fade away with all the things that happened to him. I hated it. But it looked like he was fixing himself and using me to do it.
Riley nudged me with her good foot, and it pulled me out of my head. I looked over to see she and Wilson were staring at me. She gave me that what’s your problem? look. I shrugged in response, and her eyes narrowed. Ah, I wasn’t going to get away with it. But I could if I played stupid, so I crossed my legs and stared forward again.
Bennett and Adalyn got up when I looked again, and then they were moving to the stairs. I turned my entire body around when they reached the first step.
“Where are you going?” I asked, trying and failing to sound casual. My voice even went up on the last word.
Bennett was behind Adalyn, and he turned with his hand on the railing. “We just said.”
I laughed. “Sorry. Zonked out for a second.”
He smirked at me, making me feel like he could see through what I was doing. “We’re going to go get the sketches Adalyn was working on for me.”
“Ah,” I said, nodding.
They left, and I sank back into my seat, putting my head on the arm of the couch. I wanted to groan and scream at the same time. They were up in her room right now, alone and together. I was down here… angry, and without Bennett. Was this supposed to make me crazier? That didn’t sound fair.
Damn! He loved me. Love, love, love. The word swirled around in my head, making me dizzy. I locked my fingers in my hair on both sides of my head, trying to focus on the floor so I didn’t get sick. I couldn’t make any sense of what I felt. It was all of it. Everything someone could be feeling, I felt. Fear, anger, jealousy, love. It was all in my brain and poking at me until I wanted to go up those stairs, throw Bennett to the floor, and make sure he knew who he belonged to.
Only he didn’t belong to me.
And I didn’t belong to him.
“You look like you wanna light something on fire,” Wilson commented.
I turned my head to glare at him. “No one asked you, Smokey the Bear.”
His eyebrow arched. “Rude.”
Riley patted his shoulder. “Don’t mind her. She’s just uptight because she wants to do things to Bennett again.” She waggled her eyebrows at me. “Once you pop you can’t stop, huh?”
I stuck my tongue out at her. “I’ve popped plenty of times. Twice last night.”
Riley’s mouth fell open. “What?! You slept with him again?”
I nodded, frowning. “It kind of keeps happening…”
Wilson sighed and adjusted Riley on his lap, very carefully. “Hold on… So, you slept with him once, decided not to be with him for reasons that are paper thin, and then you slept with him again? Tell me again why you’re torturing the poor kid.”
I glared at him. “Really, Wilson? Were
n’t you the one holding off on being with Riley because you thought it was the right thing?”
He nodded. “Yes, and I was a dumbass.”
Riley smiled and kissed his cheek. “Yes, you were.” She leaned her elbow on his shoulder and looked over at me. “She thinks that they’re too messed up to be in a relationship. Because, I guess, that’s a thing.”
Wilson snorted. “If only healthy people could date, I’d still be a virgin.”
“Me too!” Riley declared with two thumbs up, getting a grin from Wilson.
“Anyway,” he said. “Two unhealthy people don’t automatically make the world’s worst couple. All that really matters is how you feel about each other. And if you keep falling back into bed with him, then I think you should take a long look at why.”
I knew why. I felt safe in his bed, and I felt close to humanity when I had someone here to take care of. He was something that made me feel better, and it had nothing to do with my life at The Dollhouse. I loved my sisters, but Bennett was wholly of this world. Topside and living in sunlight. I liked being part of something else. It was like I could have a future where I fit here.
Adalyn and Bennett came back downstairs with a couple sketchbooks and a notepad. I did my best to not look at them. Bennett took his spot beside me, and the first thing he did was affectionately pat my thigh. I took a look in his direction, and he smiled at me.
Dammit.
“You okay?” he asked.
I nodded.
The two of them started discussing one of his comics, and I sat there, twiddling my thumbs. I didn’t feel like I belonged here. I should have been at the center or at home. Maybe I should have been talking with Dr. Hastings about it. He would have some words of wisdom for me on this impossible situation. Or he would at least talk in riddles at me.
Grant came in to serve us lunch before he headed out to work. We all ate in the living room in almost complete silence. Once in a while, Riley would complain of pain, and Wilson would dote on her like the good boyfriend he was. And once in a while… Bennett would look over at me with worry like the good non-boyfriend he was. Dammit. I wanted him to be my boyfriend. I wanted to look all happy like Riley while he looked all dopey in love like Wilson.
I let myself really think about it, trying to decide if my reasons for holding off were good enough. The truth was I had this thing in my head telling me it wouldn’t work out, and staying friends would be the best way to keep him. I kind of fucked it all up when I jumped him. If we dated and broke up, then I would have to live with being afraid of him slipping back into that dark place that told him there was only one way out. I didn’t want to lose him to himself or his mother. He needed to see that there was a way out for him that could end with happiness. But I wanted happiness too. Why couldn’t I see a way for this to end where we were both happy? Oh, because his situation was temporary, and mine wasn’t. While we would both wore scars, he wouldn’t be in that house forever. He would get far away, and then he could move on. What happened to me was attached to my soul, and I couldn’t run. I would taint his happiness.
Instead of thinking about the bad stuff, I daydreamed about being with him anyway. Sure, it was a lot of sex in my head, but there was other stuff too. I liked it when we were sitting and talking. My favorite was when I could sit there and listen to him tell me about his stories. But he did that with Adalyn too, so I doubted it meant as much to him as it did to me.
Bennett and Adalyn moved to the floor on opposite sides of the coffee table to work out some drawings. They planned out the panels and the dialogue, Bennett letting Adalyn tweak it. He… let her change his story. That was so personal, and he let her do it without hesitation.
My stomach started fighting me, making me feel real nausea. I closed my eyes, trying to keep myself from getting sick on the floor. Riley never mentioned this much anxiety when she was first getting to know Wilson. I had no warning that this was so painful and scary. I couldn’t believe people actually went through this on purpose. Some people wanted to love and be loved, even with all this mushy brain stuff.
“I’ll finish these by the weekend,” Adalyn said as she gathered her stack of papers. “I’ll call you so we can talk about the ending.”
Bennett nodded. “Sounds good.”
Riley got a call from home, saying they wanted her back now. Wilson probably wouldn’t be allowed to stay, but it didn’t really matter what he thought about that. Riley’s parents were pushy. They’d only just found a balance. The balance being Riley could move out any time she wanted, and her parents needed to remember that.
“Bye, sweetie,” I said, hugging Riley in Wilson’s arms.
“Bye.” He smiled.
I stuck my tongue out at him. “You’re not my sweetie.”
His smile turned to a smirk. “Of course not. That’d be our friendly neighborhood writer-man over there.”
Bennett chuckled, and I blushed, punching Wilson in the arm. He didn’t even flinch.
“Hey!” Riley squeaked, rubbing his wounded spot. “Hands off the merchandise. I need him for things.”
Wilson arched an eyebrow at her.
She smiled sheepishly. “Nice things. Cuddly things. Not just carrying me around.”
He accepted that. “Fair enough. Come, Cookie. We have to return you to your parents now, and I have an appointment to drive you to later.”
Riley grumbled and left the house.
I walked beside Bennett to the car, and I was nervous to try and talk to him. I’d never been so edgy with him before this. I both wanted to bolt and to cuddle up to his side as we walked, his arm around my shoulders. Instead, I shoved my hands in my pockets.
“You wanna come over?” I asked, keeping my gaze on the sidewalk.
“Really?”
I nodded and snuck a peek at him, seeing a smile. “We can watch a couple movies. Get some dinner.”
Bennett didn’t stop smiling as he took my hand out of my pocket to stick it in his. I giggled, and he pulled me to him. “Sure. Let’s get a pizza.”
Bennett
didn’t like waking up alone, but I had no Layla in my bed today. I went home around ten, and we didn’t do anything but talk and watch TV while we ate. I loved it, even with her seeming a little twitchy throughout most of it. She only settled after we started dinner.
I sat up in my bed, rubbing my eyes when the sunlight stung them. I slept too late. It was almost ten, and Mom would be pissy if I didn’t get up soon. So I threw the blankets off my body and stumbled to my bathroom for a quick and cold shower. I changed into fresh clothes when I was out, and then I went into the kitchen to start on my chores.
After I swept and fielded a few texts from Layla that were pictures of her sleeping dog, I started on the mopping. Layla was going real hard on the dog pictures since he slept on his back with his tongue between his teeth.
I’d been thinking about what I could do to sway Layla. She seemed to be very uncomfortable when I talked to Adalyn, and that worried me. She couldn’t possibly think that I wanted someone other than her—especially her sister. I would never do such an awful thing to anyone, and I only saw Layla when I closed my eyes. I wanted her and nothing else. I needed to figure out a way to get her on board with this.
She reacted well when I touched her, and it didn’t appear to be from the act itself. She liked that I did it without trepidation. It sounded so manipulative in my head, but maybe I could get her to sway if I kept getting her to be with me. One day she would wake up and realize that we were kind of already a couple. I was in love with her, and she at least liked me. Sometimes I would catch a look in her eyes that made me think it was more, but why should I believe a girl like her could fall in love with me so easily?
Since I didn’t have her right now, I let my mind play. I pictured Layla sitting on the counter, watching me clean while her feet dangled and swayed. I heard her singing in my head, and it was the song we lost our virginity to. One of my favorites, and now I smiled when it came on. I did
n’t think she was aware of how much that meant to me. Something small, but so much happiness came when I thought of it.
“Missed a spot,” Layla teased, pointing to the floor and sticking her tongue out.
I smirked at her and went to take care of it. I scrubbed the spot clean, and then I was all finished with the floors. Mom walked into the kitchen while I put the mop away.
She shuffled into the kitchen, her eyes half open as she sank into a chair. Even though it was almost lunchtime, she was in her robe with her hair in a messy bun. She planted her chin in her hand and stared at the wall.
“You okay, Mom?” I asked, closing the hall closet door.
She sighed and shrugged. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
Uh, oh. I knew these kinds of days, and it wouldn’t be a good one. My mom sometimes had moments where she was down or tired for no real reason. She never knew why, and I doubted she would tell me if she did. Dad didn’t say much about them, but he tried to make her feel better when he could.
“I can make you something to eat,” I offered.
She gave me a small smile as she stretched her arms. “No, thanks, honey. I’m not hungry.”
I went on with the rest of my chores, dusting the house, vacuuming, picking up, and a few other things. It took about an hour, and my mom stayed in the same spot she was in when I left her. She picked at the table with her fingernails, focusing on a marker stain that wouldn’t come out.
Dad walked through the hall and spotted Mom. He knew instantly what mood she was in, and he responded by sitting beside her. I would have thought he’d seen her this morning, but he must have been busy with a work call. He still should have noticed her sleeping in.
“You wanna go out?” Dad asked her, sitting sideways to face her.
She shook her head and stayed silent.
The Dreamhouse Page 21
