by Piper Bee
It’s like he thinks we share one brain. One heart. But we don’t.
I glance at Jin, then back at my brother. I can’t believe I’m doing this. Because it’s guaranteed to blow up in my face later.
“Yeah, I am,” I say. And then I back away.
Carson stares at me, hurt that I didn’t choose him. Eventually, he accepts it bitterly. “Okay, yeah. But you just tell him—” he points at Jin—“that he can look up my name if he wants to know what I do to guys who mess with my sister.”
I look at Jin to gauge his reaction. His brow is up, like he wants to know if Carson is done yet.
“See you at home,” Carson tells me, the words steeped in bitterness. And then he walks back to the theater, whipping the door open with all his force before he disappears.
I don’t know what he’ll do now. Probably dismantle everything.
Jin holds his helmet out for me. “Come on, I wanna take you somewhere.”
TRACK 13 - STYLE
STILL JULY 13TH
I’m not sure if I’m ready for the terrifying thrill of riding on the back of a motorcycle. I hold Jin’s helmet in both hands and chew my lip at his proposition.
“If you’re up for it,” he adds.
I so am. It’s at least a thousand times the thing I would rather do than go back inside the movie theater.
“Where would we go?” I ask.
“There’s this place across the river that makes donuts fresh at night. I hung around after dinner so I could get some.”
Late night donuts?
“It’s my treat,” he adds, with one of those irresistible smiles.
I nod. I motion to lift the heavy helmet on my head, but I pause. “Wait. Don’t you need a helmet, too?”
Jin leans over the satchel attached to his bike and pulls out a smaller helmet. “That one’s better protection. You should take it. Oh! And this, too.”
He shakes off his jacket and gives it to me. Obviously he’s wearing a white t-shirt. I put the jacket and helmet on, feeling about fifty pounds heavier. The helmet flattens my hair and muffles my hearing, but it’s worth it when Jin gets close with that jasmine scent of his and secures it for me.
And it’s even more worth it when I slide behind him on his Harley and wrap my arms around his waist before we lurch out onto the road.
Immediately I sense danger. It feels ridiculously insecure. Like, I feel more secure on a kitchen chair, and believe me, I fall off of those easy enough!
The violent wind races past, with the streetlights and cars that seem so much bigger from on top of a motorcycle. I cling to Jin for dear life every time we are near a semi-truck.
When I catch my breath, I think about how Jin feels under my arms. He’s skinny. I can feel his ribs and flat stomach. I love how his fluttering t-shirt tickles my fingers
My stomach flips when another semi-truck passes us. I squeeze Jin and feel him laughing.
I’ve taken this route a dozen times, but not like this. Once I’m past the fear, there’s a thrill that I’ve never experienced. We’re suspended between life and death, tightly bound together by my flimsy muscles.
It’s the closest to an adrenaline junkie I’ve ever been.
Once we exit the freeway, he finds a spot to park and the slow down feels like we’re treading mud compared to the freeway. I’m desperate to take this helmet off and hear properly again.
But now that my physical body is safe, all I can think about is if Jin’s going to ask me what Carson meant.
He can look up my name if he wants to know what I do to guys who mess with my sister.
My head feels light as a balloon once it’s free of the helmet. Static and all. Jin carries it for me and gestures to the street block lit by yellow and pink neon signs. Our path to this niche donut shop.
Jin walks beside me, looking like a pillar of classic style. I look like I was swallowed by black cow hide and then electrocuted, most likely.
I’m just waiting for him to ask at this point. I’ll be in a torturous mental loop until he does.
“You’re not gonna ask?” I start.
“About what?” Obviously he wasn’t obsessing over it like I was.
“About my brother. He only threatened you so you’d bring it up.”
“Maybe that’s why I’m not asking.”
Hmm. That’s nice. Someone who refuses to play Carson’s game.
I examine the black sky. It’s hard to see stars in the city’s light pollution. As we walk, I wonder if I should just tell Jin what happened.
I see one tiny, flickering star. There are some that shine through all the fake light, I guess.
“Promise me you won’t actually Google my brother’s name.”
Jin nods reassuringly. “I promise.”
So far, he’s been good on his promises. I should leave it there.
I see people lined up before I see the shop. This hole-in-the-wall place must be amazing. But the draw could be the novelty of donuts at night. Or both. This part of town looks too sketchy for this many people to crowd for mediocre donuts. Sure enough, I read the neon sign, in bubblegum pink: FRESH DONUTS NOW.
Once we’re near the window, I catch a glimpse of the rotating display hosting tons of odd-looking donuts. Cereal, crushed oreos, pink, orange, purple. Some look normal and delicious. One of them has bacon on it.
It smells divine, like icing and grease with sugar dust in the air.
Most of the donut names on the chalkboard menu are innuendo or straight up profanity, yet people order like it’s nothing. I go for the chocolate one with Cocoa Puffs on it. Jin grabs the Oreo one with peanut butter drizzle. Of course, the clerk with electric blue hair is pierced and tatted because it would be offensive if she weren’t. She takes Jin’s cash and barely even hands us our donuts before she shouts, “NEXT!”
We walk out and now I get the appeal. It looks delicious, but mostly it’s weird. An escape from the mundane.
“So you were going to brave this by yourself?” I say to Jin.
“Yeah, but I’m glad I didn’t have to.”
We take the emptier blocks back to his Harley. I bite into my triple chocolate cake donut. It’s soft and even warm, the cake gives to my teeth. I don’t think two whole minutes go by before mine is gone.
I clear my throat and peek at Jin, halfway through his donut. To be fair, his donut was larger.
He’s really not going to ask. Not even in the silence.
Here goes nothing.
“My brother beat up a guy that was forcing himself on me,” I blurt.
Jin chokes on his donut.
“Oh my god!” I put my hands to my mouth. “Sorry! Sorry.”
He puts his hand up. “It’s okay! Don’t be sorry. I just wasn’t expecting you to say that.”
“After what my brother said, I felt like I owed you some kind of explanation.”
He clears his throat. “Joy, you don’t owe me anything. I don’t care what your brother said.” I appreciate the sympathy in his eyes. “But I’m sorry for what happened to you.”
I shrug. “It’s over now. But it was a big deal at the time. The guy Carson beat up went into a coma for like a full day. Plus, he was the mayor’s kid. The only reason Carson didn’t go to jail was because our families reached an agreement. We’d all stay away from the media and none of us would press charges. It saved their reputation, I guess. Political people are obsessed with image, you know?”
He nods. “That was last year?”
“Yeah. In Salem.”
His face is tense. He says “hmm” in acknowledgement but his mouth is shut tight.
“Anyway,” I go on. “My mom worked for the mayor, so she left her job. And Carson lost his scholarship to OSU because even though we couldn’t talk to the news, local media published stuff about him anyway. Which is totally bogus because they made him out to be some monster who unleashed his wrath on an innocent politician’s kid. He’s overprotective, but he’s not a monster.” I sigh. “That’s why we m
oved up to Willow Haven last year.”
It’s easier than I thought, retelling my past to Jin. I can tell he’s at a loss for words, so I point to his donut.
“You gonna finish that?”
“I’m really sorry, Joy.”
“It’s fine. It’s your donut.”
He shakes his head, catching up to my humor. “No, I mean… you know what I mean.”
Even though I was kidding, he still offers me his donut. I refuse, but remain impressed with him. Continuously. The pink and yellow neon hues bounce off the perfect lines of his slightly sad face.
I’m happy for his concern, but sometimes it sucks to hear that people are sorry for something they have zero control over. They wish it never happened, I get it. But that’s the burden of sharing. When someone believes you, you hurt them.
So, even though I was the victim, my autopilot reassures everyone who’s sorry.
“I’m okay now. I mean, it still comes back. And I still feel guilty because I just watched, frozen, while my brother smashed a kid’s head in at a party.”
This part. This is the part that hurts the worst. No matter how many times my therapist told me to remember it wasn’t my fault, I carry it that way.
“I always felt like I should have tried to stop him,” I say, my voice a pitiful wisp. The echoes of therapy play in my head. His mind was gone, his body was on a mission. You could not have stopped him.
Always followed by a flicker of the shameful thought: I didn’t want to stop him.
“He could’ve stopped himself,” Jin says.
My heart stops for one beat. Somehow him saying it makes it feel true. Words coming from a guy who actually exhibits self-control, and remorse, and doesn’t let himself get manipulated.
Jin Park is the opposite of me and my brother. I’m sure Carson will hate him for it.
But I love him for it.
I swallow. “I’m sorry my brother was such a jerk to you earlier.”
Jin shakes his head with a mouthful of donut, like I shouldn’t be apologizing for him. We arrive at his bike and he leans on it.
I continue trying to make up for Carson’s failings. “He’s protective, clearly. But I was really upset because I found out he was planning this lake trip with Lena next week—totally behind my back—and now I have to cancel the beach trip I just booked.”
“Why do you have to cancel?”
Because I don’t want to upset my brother. Because he’ll tell Lena whatever he thinks he knows about me and Jin if I don’t appease him, if he hasn’t already.
But I can’t exactly tell Jin that.
I cock my head. “It’s not like I don’t want to go, it was just a sucky thing for him to do. Carson’s just… afraid of losing me, I guess.”
It’s really weird when the truth that’s been under the surface just flows right from your own mouth and you weren’t expecting it. But that’s it. Carson doesn’t want me to leave him.
Jin finishes his last bite of donut. “What if I said that my mom and I got invited to the cabin next week and I could, maybe, go too?”
My eyes go wide, feeling like my body is champagne bubbles. “Like, for real?” I sound the tiniest bit too eager, but if Jin’s coming to the lake then I’ll happily cancel my plans.
“Would you like that?” His question is adorably wary.
I can’t say this out loud, but hell yes, please stay in a cabin with me!
“Yeah. I’d like that.” I don’t try to hide my smile.
TRACK 14 - BAD LIAR
JULY 17TH
I’m beginning to think Lena was on to something with that whole “you can’t pack for vacation in a couple hours” thing. It makes a big difference when you’re trying to look cute. Mom and I are supposed to leave in an hour, but I’m skeptical of my ability to decide by then.
I’m about to give up on that and just pack all of Carson’s hand-me-downs, since my vintage stuff is really not conducive to camping activities.
I don’t think Carson said anything to Lena. She’s been strangely silent on the subject of Jin, so I really don’t know. But sitting with my traitorous romantic thoughts made me realize that I should try not to be so excited. Jin is still off limits and Lena is worth my loyalty.
I’ve had friends betray me before. I won’t be one of them.
Oh, I give up. I stuff old sweatshirts and gym shorts into my suitcase.
I should probably just admit the truth to Lena. At least about Jin. Maybe Cale, too. I don’t know. I don’t want to foil Cale’s plans, either.
Ugh! What do I do?
Like a silent movie on repeat in my brain, I see Jin’s smile in the glow of neon signs. The flickering light of fireworks. The different times he opened his front door. I imagine what he looks like by the light of a bonfire.
Buzz buzz. It’s Cale.
CT: I’ve got a surprise for you, Becker!
Ooh! I’m intrigued. I wonder what it could be.
CT: I’ve been keeping it a secret for a while
JB: Well? What is it?
Another car? One that doesn’t need new spark plugs or a timing belt? Maybe one that doesn’t need an oil change every three months just to run?
CT: You will be graced with my presence
CT: AT VICTORIA LAKE
CT: BOOM
He sends me a gif of a mic drop.
JB: You’re coming??? What?! How did I not know this?
CT: Me and Garcia have been keeping it quiet
CT: Imma cannonball that lake SO HARD
My shoulders loosen when I laugh. That dork.
Wait. He schemed with Lena??
JB: I can’t believe you connived with Lena!
JB: Does she know it’s all a ploy to get her to like you?
JB: How’s that going, btw?
Ellipses. Ellipses.
CT: It’s hard to get the girl you like to notice you
He sends me a gif of Jim Carrey, arms outstretched, saying “LOVE ME” which is definitely something I could imagine Cale doing in real life.
JB: Lol good thing you’ll have lots of time with her at the lake
CT: good thing indeed :D
Maybe he’ll pull it off. Getting himself inserted into our multi-family vacation is a genius move.
“You’re not packed? What, you don’t want to go?” Carson says, leaning in my doorway. His tone is like I’m twelve years younger and not twelve months.
“No, I do. Just…” I turn away from scattered clothes to face him. “Did you say anything to Lena on eighties night?”
He drops the arm that was propped up. “I didn’t tell her anything. I just said you started to feel sick so I was taking you home. Then I left.”
He covered for me? “Why?”
“Why do you care what I said to Lena? What if I said something to your boyfriend?”
“Because… Cale won’t misunderstand. But Lena will.”
“Why? ‘Cause she likes that guy… Jin whatever?”
“God, Carson! I’m not going to explain it. You’re the worst person to tell secrets to.”
“She does, right?” he solicits, but I ignore him.
I stand up and gesture to the door. “Just get out. Please.”
He suddenly registers my words. “What do you mean I’m the ‘worst’ person to tell secrets to?”
I glare at him. “Seriously? You constantly hold stuff over me! I can’t tell you anything without you bringing it up as some sort of collateral.”
He doesn’t leave. “What are you keeping from me now?”
I’m so exhausted with him. “Get out!”
He doesn’t. He bolts into my room and grabs the suitcase so freaking fast.
Slam! Oh my God! He threw it against the wall.
When did my hands cover my face? I don’t remember doing that. I’m tense all over. My clothes have littered my room.
“Dammit, Joy! What are you keeping from me, huh?” His voice booms, but it also rings with fear. I bring myself to look at him
.
It’s not anger on his face. It is fear.
“Carson…” I mutter.
He folds, crouching to the floor. “I’m sorry.”
My pulse calms down. What does he think I’m keeping from him?
Mom crashes into the room, her mouth and eyes round. “What happened?” she says repeatedly, placing her hands on Carson’s shoulders.
“It’s nothing. I’m okay. I’m fine.”
I’m confused. Those words are coming from his mouth, not mine.
What’s with him? First he doesn’t tell Lena or Cale about Jin picking me up and actually covers for me. Then he flips out when he thinks I’m hiding something from him. And then he… calms himself?
This isn’t my brother.
♫
Sitting shotgun next to my mom reminds me of the time the whole family visited Victoria Lake when I was little. But this time, my ears have grown AirPods and we don’t play the alphabet game the whole way.
The trees pass by to my summer playlist, keeping me company for the hour drive. Then we arrive.
Victoria Lake.
Vintage-style signs direct our car to the lodge, swim park, and lakefront. Mom follows the arrows for Cabins 91-130.
The further we are from the resort entrance, the more nature takes over. The cedars tower high and the roads are less manicured. I see some gravel roads leading to the cabins. I had no clue the Garcias would settle for an unpaved driveway.
Familiar cars are parked by the cabin. Lena’s mom’s Land Rover. Jin’s Mazda. Cale’s Hyundai. Now my mom’s car is parked among them.
When I get out, it sounds like the moms are competing to see who can greet with the highest pitch voice. Normally I’d eavesdrop like a proper introvert, but this cabin…
