Joy's Summer Love Playlist

by Piper Bee

  “I hear it,” Jin says, smiling on one side. The faint rushing of a waterfall. I look around. Nature rarely lends to familiarity, but this feels the same as it did years ago. We tread through the brush toward the sound and I spot the rocky clearing.

  I race there like I’m eleven again, snagging Jin’s hand on the way. I didn’t think about it.

  I’ve had butterflies with Jin for a while, but I don’t remember when I crashed so hard in love. It could have been when he reached for my hand a second ago. It could have been when he stood up for me last night. It could have been when he showed up on his motorcycle or when he invited me to watch fireworks. It could have been when he grabbed my hand and helped me up from the tile foyer floor. It doesn’t seem to matter now. I’m already done for.

  I drop his hand.

  “Sorry,” I say, assuring him with a small smile. “I got carried away.”

  He shakes his head, then beams at me. “It’s fine.”

  Then, the sight captures him. I’m taken with his impressed expression. It’s almost as enrapturing as this place is.

  There’s the small waterfall, the fence of trees, the rocky shore, and the glittering pond reflecting a pale blue sky. Jin walks to the water and the reflecting sunlight gleams onto him like he’s some kind of angel.

  My backpack crashes to the pebble-covered ground. I lift my baseball tee off and bend down to unlace my shoes. Jin’s steps are wobbly on the rocks as he walks toward me. He pulls his shirt off in one swift motion.

  “You’re not dressed to swim,” I say. That was his excuse for not swimming last time.

  “I don’t care about that.” He grins and uses his toes to remove each of his shoes. Then he dashes to the water and crashes into it without a care.

  It looked like an ocean when I was a kid, but now… it only feels that way.

  Smooth, water-worn rocks massage my feet as I walk to the pond. Jin lays facing the sky, floating atop the settling ripples.

  I shuffle into the cool water, my steps wavering on the rocky ground. Soon I let the coldness envelope me and go under. Water falls away from my face when I surface and a shiver travels through my entire being. I position myself to float on my back like Jin, allowing my legs to float up. A breeze blankets me as I stare into the clear morning sky.

  I’d stay here forever if I could.

  The water beneath me shifts. It feels like a giant fish and freaks me out! I squeal and fold, instinct kicking in. I try to escape before using reason.

  Jin breaks the surface looking as smug as I’ve ever seen him. His black hair lays flat and shiny, his cheeks round in laughter.

  “You scared me!” I splash a wave at him. He pushes a bigger wave back at me and it hits my face, pulling my hair in a wet sheet over my face.

  I laugh at myself. At this crazy circumstance. This beautiful morning, where Jin Park followed me to a secret paradise and smiled when I grabbed his hand. Where he made fun of me and now looks at me as if I’m the best part of all of it.

  Without a doubt, I share that look.

  He bites his wet lip. My heart races even more than it did when I was on the back of his motorcycle. Like we’re suspended in danger all over again.

  Am I really doing this?

  Yes.

  This is all I want. Maybe I never wanted to be alone. Maybe I always wanted him to show up, unexpectedly, and fill my days with this.

  But… Lena. I know why she’s head over heels with him now. Everything about him is inviting, not just his perfect, genuine smile or his warm laugh. It’s the way he approaches you with respect and obvious desire for connection. His infectious happiness. His refusal to shy away from conflict and confidence that shows up even when he doesn’t know what to do.

  I wish I could be like him. But I’m not. I can’t escape the image of deep hurt I might see on Lena’s face if she knew everything. I’m not ready to disappoint her.

  Diving under, I drown my thoughts in white noise. Get out. It’s not too late yet.

  With droplets racing down my limbs, I brave the stones, which are gaining heat in the aging day. Upon reaching my backpack, I open it and pull out the towel and dry off.

  Why haven’t I stopped this already? I’ve already betrayed Lena’s trust far beyond the boundary of forgiveness.

  I look over my shoulder and Jin’s following me out, slicking back his hair. Smiling.

  Maybe… I’m starting not to care what Lena thinks.

  I shake the towel open and lay it over the pebbles. It’s rock hard and lumpy, but it’ll do. I sit, placing my abdomen against my thighs, laying the side of my face on my knees, letting the hot sun wick away the pond-water from my body.

  Jin walks over to me.

  “You didn’t have to get out just because I did,” I say. He takes a seat next to me.

  “I wanted to.” His words are so simple, yet for me, they’re loaded.

  His arms are wrapped loosely around his knees and he looks distantly at the waterfall.

  “I really want to hear you sing again,” he says like it’s a thought escaping.

  I turn my face into my knees, blocking the sun, hiding my blush. “Really?” My voice is muffled by my legs.

  “Well, yeah. You’re amazing.”

  I turn my face again and meet his eyes.

  I give him a courtesy smile. I’m lost for any other type of reaction that might be appropriate because my heart is losing it’s cool, for real.

  “Please?”

  I lift my head. “What, like now?”

  “Are you doing anything else?” There’s a hint of wariness in his request and it’s adorable.

  I push my legs out in front of me and lean back on my hands. A flood of joy washes over me. “I guess not.”

  But his anticipatory stare chickens me out.

  “You can’t look at me like that!” I protest.

  “Okay, fine!” Jin shuts his eyes, the anticipation still ever-present.

  What should I sing to him? It sounds childish, but there’s one song that feels perfect. Rainbow Connection. It’s Kermit the Frog, yes, but he’s existential and magical. He tugged on my spirit when I was a kid. I could sing it then, and just as passionately now.

  Slow, soothing. In my head, guitar strums and violin sings, but just my voice pours out…

  Rainbows. Shining, full-spectrum, their essence visible to everyone. It’s a song about how people desire deep beauty and meaning, yet it’s still elusive.

  No wonder this song is on my heart.

  At some point in the verse, I close my eyes, too. A vision of a glittering rainbow tickles my mind.

  I give in to the song like it’s just me. Singing to the earth, the moss, the water, the trees. Giving them life with the vibrations of my voice.

  This feeling is probably magic…

  The last word spreads out, growing, pulling my soul open. Then the sun is eclipsed by something. I open my eyes. Jin is close, staring. Longing.

  “Can I kiss you?” he asks desperately.

  Time stops. I nod. “Yes,” I hear myself say, matching his desperation.

  This distance, it’s gloriously gone. He’s kissing me, softly at first, palming my face and pulling me closer.

  The music goes on in my head, the orchestra, the voice someone else’s, serenading this moment. I’m floating, flying, kissing him.

  His lips are the sparks of fireworks, the smoldering of a bonfire, the sweet taste of summer fruit. He’s kissing me! I graze his shoulder with my fingertips.

  Jin sends chills of wonder throughout me. Each move he makes, I’m further lost in a wilderness of magic. This is what my first kiss should have been. What every first kiss should be. The long-awaited relief of yearning I’ve been feeling for I don’t know how long.

  He pulls away and I witness him anew. This is the Jin Park I don’t have to question anymore. I have my answer.

  But I also have a brand new problem. My bliss wavers. I can’t.

  Jin leans to kiss me again, but I p
ush my hand on his chest. He doesn’t hesitate to respond.

  “What’s wrong?” Now his bliss wavers too.

  I can’t do this to Lena. I told myself I would never be a traitor like my old friends were. If she loves Jin at all like I do… I can’t keep doing this.

  Regret burrows in, a little at first, then a tidal wave.

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper.

  “Why?”

  My heart shatters. I shake my head. I should have stopped this a long time ago. Maybe she’ll forgive me if she gets him.

  I get up and distance myself. Jin stands up with me, confused. “Joy, what’s wrong?”

  I haphazardly stuff my shirt and damp towel in my backpack while searching for the point of exit.

  Why does this have to hurt so much? It was so perfect.

  These sharp rocks prevent me from running. I slip my sneakers on without lacing them. They hang loosely on my hasty feet.

  “Where are you going?”

  “I can’t do this,” I tell him without stopping.

  “Why not?” I hear his slight exasperation. Bless him for being angry. Even that is perfect.

  Don’t look back.

  It’s time to tell Lena the truth. I should not have been so selfish. Ever. Couldn’t I have just told him “no”? Why did I have to let everything be “yes” today?

  I try to keep steady. I’m almost to the brush. Almost to the hill’s edge.

  Jin’s hand lands on my shoulder and I whip around. He breathes heavy with a stern expression… no, that’s hurt. His dark eyes secure mine.

  “Don’t run,” he tells me. “Please, stay with me.”

  “I’m sorry.” I break into a run toward the edge. I almost reach it, but I pause. Don’t run. I don’t want to. What am I supposed to do?

  I turn and see him standing there, shirt in hand, his chest still glistening. He takes one step, so I do, too. Backward.

  Not my first mistake of the day.

  TRACK 17 - I'M DOWN

  STILL JULY 19TH

  When my body figures out that I need air to survive, I suck in a breath. My ankle screams in pain so bad that my other muscles are tense. I tumbled down the hillside and landed my ankle on the split boulder at a weird angle. I’m also covered in scrapes from all the sticks that brush that I rolled down on.

  I guess that’s just the Joy Becker way. Give something your best shot, wind up injuring yourself. Trademarked.

  My ankle throbs as I try breathing evenly. Jin slides down the hillside on his feet, as a stable person does. It looks like he grabbed the shoes that flew off my feet when I lost balance and rolled down here.

  Of course he offers to carry me. It’s like poetic justice. I try to avoid his affection, only to be unable to refuse being held by him immediately thereafter.

  Jin helps me up on my good leg and I put my backpack on, tears streaming down my face. Then I pull myself onto his back, gripping his shoulders and collarbone as he wraps his arms around my legs. It feels like our hearts are too close and tangled.

  The persistent pain in my ankle isn’t as difficult to handle as the fact that I like being close to him. The bliss of being held hurts because I know it’s fleeting.

  He carries me silently down the path. The scent of dirt and pond water is on his skin, like fresh rain. I lay my head on his shoulder and try not to think at all. Not about how he holds me. Not about how hurt Lena will be. Not about how complicated Cale makes this, or Carson, or the fact that once summer is over, none of it will matter anyway.

  “Did you follow me?” I ask him, my tone muted.

  He sighs. “Yes.”

  There’s an extra vibrant tick of my heart. “Why?”

  “Because I wanted to. I wanted to be alone with you, and I didn’t realize it until I was already on the path.”

  I don’t respond, because that’s exactly what I thought. What I hoped.

  The sun is intense now.

  “I’m sorry. That sounds creepy,” he admits.

  “No, it’s okay. We’ve been alone a lot already. It’s not like I don’t trust you.” I feel his tense shoulders relax.

  Twittering birds and Jin’s shuffling feet are all I hear for a minute. My lips tingle, replaying the kiss. It still feels unreal. It’s also another thing I have to tell Lena.

  There’s a bench a little ways off, under some tree shade. Jin asks, “Is it okay if we stop?”

  “Mmhmm,” I say.

  Though Jin is careful about setting me down, hitting the bench makes the pain shoot up my leg. I wonder what I did to it. I’ve never broken anything before. The radiating pain is unrelenting.

  “Do you have any ice?” Jin asks me, grabbing my backpack. I don’t. When he finds my water bottle, he kneels to the ground and holds it to my ankle.

  “Why’d you run?” His question punches me in the abdomen.

  I can’t tell him about Lena. And anything else just doesn’t seem like enough of a reason.

  “I don’t have a simple answer, I guess.”

  He makes eye contact. “Are you trying to protect Lena’s feelings?”

  I hesitate, but it’s pointless. “You know about that?”

  “She’s not subtle.”

  I let out a knowing laugh.

  “But I don’t feel that way about her.” I can tell it’s hard for him, but also definitive. “She’s like my sister.”

  “Right. A supermodel sister who isn’t in any way blood related to you.” My word, was that a twinge of jealousy in my voice?

  Jin doesn’t skip a beat. “It’s not just that. I appreciate her and everything she’s done for me. But, even if we had no history, she’s not my type.”

  I don’t mean to say it out loud, but I say, “And I am?”

  “Is that so hard to believe?” And then he checks me out. Not subtly.

  Goodness.

  I laugh off my nervousness. He’s been so chivalrous this whole time! Have I been too dense to see that he’s attracted to me?

  “What is it about me, then?” I ask. I don’t know why Lena isn’t better. She’s been beside him forever. She’s packing up and moving near him. She’s ready, willing, gorgeous, fun, strong.

  “Your confidence. Definitely.” Wow, that took zero time for him to think about.

  “What confidence?”

  He looks up at me with a furrowed brow and adorably conflicted smile. “How do you not see it, Joy? You laugh openly, you sing freely. And share yourself with everyone. You wear what you want, eat what you want, and you fully enjoy things that Lena wouldn’t bother with because it’s too basic or some dumb reason.”

  “Did you just call me basic, Jin?” I ask, amused.

  He laughs, then sets the water bottle down. He sits on the bench, really close to me. Touching. Making eye contact.

  “Joy, you’re adorable.” His look is most definitely adoring.

  A breeze brushes by us. I’m still a bit in awe of all this.

  But then he switches gear. “What I can’t figure out is how you keep sacrificing so much for everyone else. Even your running away was for Lena’s sake, right? Unless… you don’t want to be with me.”

  “Are you crazy? Of course I do!” And I mean it. So much. “And it’s not just because you’re amazingly handsome. You… Jin, you are a rare kind of wonderful.”

  He seems kind of stunned as if my words are particularly meaningful. “Wow. That makes me happy.”

  I’m lost in the look of his flushed cheeks and perfect lips and exquisitely messy, damp hair. His hand brushes my cheek and he draws closer.

  Jin smirks. “Because I’ve been holding back.”

  My eyes flutter wide. I almost don’t register what he’s said before he kisses me again, deeper and more commanding. Like there was a longing he held back before. All the blood leaves the sharp pain in my ankle and rushes to where his hands are. The back of my neck tangled in my hair and firm on my hip, keeping me from floating away.

  Jin pulls away, but it’s like there’s an in
visible rope tying us together. And the best part of it all is how he looks at me. Like, how is this happening?

  How did I get to this incredible moment of time? With him?!

  I don’t care if I’m injured. I could be suspended here forever, pain and all.

  Like a slamming door, our moment stops. His mood shifts and he scoots away.

  “What is it?” I ask.

  “I’m still holding back,” he says, frustrated.

  “That was holding back?”

  “No! I mean, there’s still that whole deal with you and…”

  “Cale,” I finish. “Right.”

  Jin rubs his temple. “I’ve been so upset over it. And until now, I just felt like I didn’t deserve to be. We met, like, a month ago.”

  Wait, for real? It’s hard to believe.

  Those dark brown eyes latch onto mine. “I know I’ll intervene if he touches you. I can’t play along, Joy.”

  I grasp his arm. “I get it. I don’t want you to. Just, give me time to talk to him.”

  Worry burrows into me, though. I lace my fingers together. “I don’t know if it’s all fake to him anymore, though.”

  “That’s more reason to end it.” His words are confident and definitely at least a little jealous.

  I wonder if I couldn’t bring myself to talk boundaries with Cale because I didn’t want to let him down. Maybe I sensed that things were different. He’ll forgive me, but that’s not all there is to it.

  “It’s not just Cale, though…”

  Jin squares himself to me. “Lena is going to get hurt either way. Let me worry about her.”

  “You weren’t the one who betrayed her trust. I was. I have to talk to her.”

  Jin grabs my hand. “Let’s do it together, then. You don’t have to do everything yourself.”

  We make eye contact. These peaks and valleys of emotion, like the terrain we’re on, torture me and heal me. I want him so much, but traversing this won’t be easy.

  “You’re a rare kind of wonderful, too, Joy. I don’t mind fighting for that.” Though he doesn’t smile, I sense his happiness. It’s the same as mine, hidden in some secluded, vibrant place. Like the pond where we finally kissed.