by Piper Bee
“The point is,” she says, “Regardless of how I feel, I know he’s not in love with me. He didn’t even tell me he was leaving until yesterday.” Her lip trembles.
“I’m so sorry, Lena,” I whisper. I don’t know what else I should say.
The wind picks up and she tightens her cardigan around her shoulders. “I was at the airport this morning before he left and I told him the truth. He deserved to hear it.”
“What did he say?” I ask. What I really want to know is what he did, but I’m afraid to ask that.
“He thought about it for a sec. Then he said, ‘If she wanted to clear it up, she would have.’ And then he hugged his mom and left.”
I feel a shudder in my heart.
Lena’s judgemental tone kicks in. “Why didn’t you set things straight, Joy?”
I stare at her, my brow knit together as I try to form an answer.
She folds her arms. “He would’ve heard you out! He wanted to hear you out.”
I still can’t answer. I avert my eyes to the nearby fish and chips place, the bike going by, the driftwood lying on the sand.
“Why’d you let him go?” She’s near yelling.
I pinch my mouth closed, fighting tears. Why is it so hard to say?
“Isn’t it obvious, Lena?” Cale says, breaking his uncommon silence with uncommon gravity. “She’d rather suffer than ask Jin to jeopardize his future. That’s who she is.”
My wide eyes meet his. Since I told him my past, he sees the patterns of my choices. If it saves someone, I pour myself out. Even when I shouldn’t.
“What if Jin wanted his future to be here?” Lena bites back, even though this fight isn’t with Cale. She shakes her head and lands her pretty eyes on me. “Maybe we should just let these stupid boys make their own choices.”
Her eyes flit to Cale when she says “stupid boys” and, to my surprise, he nods in agreement.
I look up at the clear, blue sky. “He already did.”
“Guess so,” Lena sighs.
Cale clutches me and Lena each on the shoulder, giving us each a start. “Are you both legit crazy right now?” We gape at him, since he’s clearly the crazy one.
He continues, “Just cuz he’s flying over the ocean don’t mean it’s over! Take it from a dude: he wants c-lar-i-ty.” Cale enunciates each syllable on “clarity.”
“What am I supposed to do now?” I ask Cale, as if he’s the keeper of such knowledge.
“Call him. Leave a message.” He drops his hand and gestures a check mark in the air. “Simple!”
My lungs fill with uneasy breath. It’s almost too simple. Call him.
I can do that.
I yank my phone from my skirt pocket and find his contact. His silly winking face is his contact picture. My heart pounds as my finger hovers over the number.
Tap.
Straight to voicemail, as expected. You’ve reached Jin Park, leave a message and I’ll call you back when I can.
I hope that’s true. Wow, I desperately hope it’s true.
Beep.
“Hey. It’s Joy. Um…” Deep breath, Joy. Each word comes out separated from the others. “I just wanted to say that, um—” I swallow. I know this isn’t right. “I hope you’ll be happy in Korea. And I’ll miss you.”
I hang up in a rush.
“Joy! What the hell was that?” Lena shrieks.
Air shudders out from my lungs as I look between her and Cale, both surprised.
“You don’t get it!” I say, the entrails of desperation escaping into my voice. Halfway through the voicemail, it hit me. “I can’t make it harder for him. I don’t want him to regret leaving.”
They’re both frowning at me, trying to make sense of my tangle of emotions. If I can’t, I doubt they will.
“I don’t want him to regret anything,” I say. It’s not really to Lena or Cale, though. I know I have to make a plan and reconcile, like my old friends never did.
I stand up taller. “I’ll make it right. Later, I promise.”
“You better,” Lena says, but the snare in her words is a farce. She cares about me.
“I will personally hack your phone to keep you honest, Becker.”
My eyes rim with tears as I look at them both. “I don’t deserve to have you as friends.”
“Oh, come on,” Cale says, throwing his head back dramatically, snapping it back to me. “We all know who the real MVP of our friendship is, Joy.”
Lena nods. Both of their eyes are on me.
I gape at them. Words don’t exist, just disbelief. And honor.
There’s a tap on my shoulder and I whip around. It’s Robbie the band manager.
“Hey!” he says with a beaming smile, “Thanks for coming out. They’re about to wrap up. You should stay and hang out.”
I suck in a breath and try to level my emotion, with minimal success. “Sure! Yeah,” I say. He’s about to leave but I catch his attention. “Hey! I’m sorry for changing things up. Something came over me, I guess.”
He shakes his head. “It’s cool! I don’t speak for everyone, but I like a little unpredictability in a show.” He winks and laughs, simultaneously young and grown-up. Then he points his thumb back to the stage where January screams into the mic. “See you over there!”
Robbie walks off, weaving into the crowd and patting shoulders like he knows everyone.
“He’s cute,” Lena says, her chin slightly up as she checks him out.
That’s Lena.
And I, for one, am glad she came back.
TRACK 30 - HANDMADE HEAVEN
AUGUST 3RD
The memories of this summer flip through my mind like fanning the pages of a book. The challenges, the rewards, the strikeouts. My future is uncertain now, but I also kind of needed that. It’s bitter and sour like a grapefruit, but refreshing like watermelon. Now that I think about it, the memories themselves are like that, too.
I don’t regret that it all happened, because in the end, I stepped up to the plate and swung. It sucks that I missed. But I don’t regret playing.
My headphones are crackling a little, which means I’ve loved them well. A dreamy summer song helps me relish a stillness so rare in my life so far. The song is interrupted by the chime of my text tone.
LG: Meet me at the fallen tree in 30 minutes
LG: Don’t be late
Wow, two seconds into making up and Lena’s returned to her old, demanding ways.
I missed her.
I finish out my heavy rotation and head for the front door. It’s finally not oven-weather today, but I can’t walk the field in sandals, so I opt for Converse. I tuck my newly acquired Crux Constellation t-shirt into my acid-wash jean shorts and pull my hair half-up into a bun. Then I stare at my reflection in the entry hall mirror, freckled and sun kissed. This girl looks different than the one who’s faced this mirror time and again. I’m not the pushover, can’t-miss-a-game-or-get-a-B kid anymore.
I’m the college-dropout who never went to college. The singer who flubbed the biggest opportunity of her life. The magnet for minor injuries and Korean lawyers.
The girl who somehow charmed Jin Park into falling for her, then convinced him to fly to the other side of the world.
I wonder if he checked his messages. He never called back. It’s 6 AM there. Not that it matters with jet lag.
Am I giving up again? I don’t know. If I could, I’d get on a plane and find him, just to tell him face to face. But I didn’t make that much money this summer. Maybe I’ll ask Lena what she thinks I should do.
Still staring at my own gold-flecked hazel eyes, I remember how it felt to kiss him. It’s like it ended two seconds ago. Potent memories always sting, because if they’re bad, they still hurt. And if they’re good, they’re already gone.
“Where you headed?” Carson asks, shoveling midday cereal into his mouth.
I’m out of my trance. “Meeting Lena.”
He blushes. “Oh. Hey, can you, um…”
&nbs
p; I adjust my bun, my eyebrows lifted at him.
“Can you tell her I’m sorry for being an asshole?” he says.
I smirk. “Sure thing, bro.”
“Joy. I know Mom was kinda annoyed about what you did yesterday, but you’re gonna do great, no matter what you do.” His dimple appears beside a really great brother smile. He’ll be cheering me on from bleachers this time.
I smile back. “Thanks, Racecar. Go put on a shirt.”
I walk out into the bright, breezy summer day, stuffing my phone into my back pocket.
“Joey!”
Immediately to my left Jan-di Park is leaning against her slick white Mercedes parked by the sidewalk. It looks like she was talking to my mom.
I can’t help but smile seeing her. “Jan-di! How are you?”
She grins, her eyes creasing. “I’m doing so good.”
“You going somewhere, sweetheart?” Mom asks me in that light tone of voice she uses when she’s talking to me in front of another adult.
“Yeah, meeting Lena.” I look back at Jan-di. “How’s Jin doing? I bet you miss him.”
Her smile doesn’t fade, but her eyebrows go up. “Oh, yes! Every mom miss baby, Joey. But he so good.”
Jan-di sure is good at keeping a smile on. Then again, I guess I am, too.
“Tell Lena I said ‘hello,’” Mom says, in that gentle way of urging a child away from the adult conversation.
“I will. Bye, Jan-di.” I wave goodbye to the pair of oddly pleasant moms. Moms are so good at keeping a cool head around each other, especially when their children make drastic life decisions they don’t approve of.
I’m not sure how Jan-di felt about Jin’s decision, but I know Mom wasn’t too happy with mine. I’m not going back to Frederick University. The fallout wasn’t as awful as I expected, though. Less a shrill “the world is ending” and more a reluctant “back to the drawing board.”
Walking along the sidewalk, I note the hum of a lawnmower and smell some faint smoke from a barbecue. It’s a remarkable summer day. I wonder if the secluded fallen tree will feel like it did before. Chatting Lena up about future plans and Puerto Rican culture, promising to bake cookies next time I go to her house. I guess I don’t have to convince her to watch Greatest Showman anymore. And she doesn’t have to ask if I’m eyeing anyone.
Before I leave my neighborhood, I stare out at the field on the other side of the street. The golden swath of grass, lined by rows of tall trees that sway and rustle. I can’t see the fallen tree from here, but I know right where it is. Into the middle of the woods, just beyond the line.
That dead, scraggly log has the tendency to inject life and brightness into my friendship with Lena. We crafted an emotional oasis out of nothing but air, tree bark, and solitude.
I cross the street and jog into the field. The dry grass tickles my legs all the way up. I brush my hands across the tops of the tan strands. After traversing the uncut field, I pass under the sporadic shade of the trees, birds singing in pure confidence. The rustling leaves hush every other sound. It’s been a while since I soaked up an atmosphere like this.
The trees peter out and I walk into the hidden clearing. My eyes fall on the centerpiece: the fallen tree. In a stream of amber sunlight, perched on top of it… isn’t Lena.
It’s Jin. Looking up into the sky like a contemplative work of art.
Am I dreaming?
He turns his head, slowly. A current of wind strikes us both.
I study him. His neutral expression, the lines of his bony shoulders, that same white t-shirt. The sun rays cast him in harsh yet angelic light.
I slowly walk toward him. I’m not sure if the ground will give way. He leaps from the felled tree. When his feet hit the ground, my heart pounds and I stop. He really is here.
“I thought you were in Korea,” I say.
He takes a second to answer. “I’m not.”
“Clearly.” I sound annoyed even though I’m not. I adore the way shadows hug his cheeks and lips and long neck. I can’t believe I’m looking at him.
I don’t know why it’s taken me until this moment to realize that Lena’s text and Jan-di’s diversion were a set up. They both knew I’d meet Jin here.
Confusion and happiness swirl together in my heart. I’m happy he’s here, but I can’t read him. I don’t want to screw up again.
Deep breath.
“Do you not want me here?” he asks.
His question surprises me. “I just thought you were gone, that’s all.”
“That’s not why I’m asking, Joy.” There’s heaviness in his serious eyes.
The bewildered part of me grows. What does he mean then?
I scan the parched ground to keep composure, but I can’t keep myself from catching the way he’s cloaked in the glow of the afternoon. I feel like I’m not ready for this. There’s not really such a thing as “ready.”
“I’m really sorry for everything, Jin. I am.”
His brows pinch together, like he’s pained. “Everything?”
“Yes! I hate that I hurt you. I didn’t mean to. I just… I thought if you were unattached, it would be easier for you to go.”
“You thought breaking my heart would make it easier?” There’s a thread of irritation in his expression. He angles away from me, and he’s right to.
My jaw trembles. I was so stupid to think it was better that way, but I was convinced.
“I couldn’t let you give up your future for me.” My eyes sting with tears and my voice fills with emotion. “I didn’t want that to happen again.”
I bury my face in my hands, sobbing into the darkness of my palms. Carson lost everything because of me. Jin was about to do the same thing. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I couldn’t let him do that for me.
But… Jin’s the one who showed me that I can’t bear the responsibility of other people’s choices.
Jin clears his throat. I lift my wet face out of my hands and my nose tingles. I’m sure it’s red. I’m a splotchy mess and he’s painted porcelain.
“I’m not your brother,” Jin says. “I wasn’t giving up anything I didn’t already want to give up.”
I narrow my eyes. “But you went to the airport. Lena said you went through security.”
Jin nods. “Yeah. I got on the plane. Because I was hurt. It’s not like you just ended it, Joy. You let me think every amazing thing we had was…” He holds his breath before blurting, “Fake. Like you were never all in.”
His hurt flickers when he sets his jaw and fear constricts me. It’s like a neon “Open” sign has shut off and I missed my chance to walk in. He won’t look at me.
He walks toward the tree, facing away. He hunches over with his palm on the bark.
“Nothing was fake, Jin,” I insist.
He glances over his shoulder. “That’s what Lena said.”
Jin suddenly walks up to me. “I have to tell you something, Joy.”
My stomach flips. I nod, bracing for whatever it is.
What is it?
His dark brown eyes study my face, like he’s not sure how to say it.
“When I sat down on the plane, I couldn’t fasten the seatbelt. I didn’t know why. But I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Wondering why you’d let me think you lied.” He steps closer and my heart races. “Then I thought about who you are. How you’ve given up so much just to benefit other people. The deal with Cale. Running off to spare Lena’s feelings. What you did for your brother. You always sacrifice your own feelings for other people. That’s why you let me go. It was for me.”
His voice is so dreamlike. Am I dreaming?
Jin reaches out to brush a golden string of hair behind my ear and his finger brushes my cheek and, boy, I am definitely not dreaming.
“Jin—”
“I’m not done,” he says like a command. “Tyler Fuller wasn’t worth your mercy, Joy. Maybe your brother was. Knowing what Tyler did, I definitely understand Carson better. That made me realize I’m not meant
for translating business law. Not when people like you are standing up without someone behind them. Protecting those people… that’s what I want to do. That is a rare kind of wonderful.” He looks down, almost embarrassed. “I want to be worthy of that.”
“You are, Jin.” I’m flush and so, so certain. “You are.”
I can’t describe the light that turns on in him. It’s not just an “Open” sign. It’s like an entire skyscraper lights up.
“I don’t deserve that,” he says. “Not from you. You’re far more wonderful than I am.”
His sudden, unrestrained adoration pummels me.
Jin draws closer. The scent of jasmine dances with the breeze that whispers into the inch of space between us.
I’m breathless. No one has looked at me this way. Even my parents were always bent on shielding me. They didn’t look at me like this. With…
Admiration.
I can’t move. This moment is so big. I can already hear the swell of an invisible orchestra, building to what he’s raring to say next.
In sunbeams, Jin’s eyes gleam. His breath goes shaky.
“I’m all the way in love with you.”
Just like that, I am fearlessly deeper in love with Jin Park.
“Me too,” I whisper, just before impulse takes over. I reach up and grasp the back of his neck, standing on my tiptoes, catching his brief look of surprise before I pull him into a kiss. His arms find me, tighten around me and lift me off the ground until I’m above him.
This love doesn’t feel like falling. It feels like flying.
Jin was hidden in my life long ago, tucked away in the background when I thought I would never see light again. But here, I’m bathing in light, inside and out.
All we have is a melody of birds, the beat of rustling leaves, and each other. It’s the sweetest song I’ve ever heard.
TRACK 31 - OUT OF THE WOODS
STILL AUGUST 3RD
Color me surprised. This is not how I thought this day would go.
