by Piper Bee
Jin and I are stealing time at the fallen tree, talking between dreamy make-out sessions that leave me giggling every time. I don’t know how I moved into this sheer bliss, but with the falling sun and cooling air, it gets easier to want Jin’s arms around me. It’s like a drug, the coupling of our lips touching and my heart bursting. Every part where he touches me, my hands, my back, my hips, my jawline… it tingles.
The sun has turned into a rainbow and lights up everything like neon. The colors of my life.
We sit on top of the log facing each other. Jin confirms what Lena told me. He was into me from the first moment we met.
“That was the most embarrassing introduction I’ve ever had,” I laugh.
“It didn’t seem like it. You brushed it off. And you were super cute, too, so I took notice.”
I avert my eyes, blushing. “Yeah, I took notice, too.”
I take an eyeful of him, his one leg dangling off the side of the tree. I press both my hands on the scratchy bark, leaning into them so I can get closer.
He meets me in the middle, with exactly the kiss I wanted. One we each take a full breath through.
“So what did you think when you thought I was taken?” I ask when we’ve parted.
“That I had to back off.”
“Of course you did.” I should’ve known. “You’re an actual gentleman.”
“Yeah, well, I’m also naïve. My mom told me not to believe you, but I did because I wanted to. I’m too honest. Might make me a terrible lawyer.”
I palm his cheek. “Or one of the best.”
He smirks. “You don’t have to say that just because you’re my girlfriend.”
Girlfriend? I gape at him, pulling my hand back because I’m caught off-guard.
“Oh.” He reacts to my abrupt shift at his word choice. “I never asked, did I? I—will—“
“Yes!” I say, unable to contain my smile. “Absolutely yes.”
I don’t know why the thought of Jin being my honest-to-goodness boyfriend gives me a fresh wave of butterflies, but it does.
His fingers graze mine one by one. “So why did you kiss Cale that day?”
There’s a flicker of insecurity in him. He looks down and continues tracing my fingers.
“Cale said he wanted to shoot his shot, so I let him,” I say, my tone somewhat somber. “But it was all wrong. You texted me right then and… I knew it was you.”
We make eye contact and my heart’s ticking resounds deep in my chest. The corner of his mouth curls up.
“But Carson saw it,” I add, hating to ruin that smile. I explain what happened from that side. Carson didn’t believe me, then he did, then he didn’t again. Now that I know Carson has been talking to a therapist, it makes sense to think he just struck out that day. But the fact that he can pull himself back together now makes a huge difference.
“So how will your brother react to me being your boyfriend?” Jin asks, just a little smug.
“He’ll survive,” I jest. The truth is, Carson might feel mixed up, but it won’t matter. I’ll fight for what I have with Jin. I hope I don’t have to, but I will.
“One last question,” he says, scooting toward me. “Why were you in Seattle yesterday?”
“Lena didn’t tell you?” I’m kind of surprised.
“Nope. She just said you drove all the way up there for me. But, the timing was off, so I’m missing something.”
“I didn’t actually go up there for you. I knew you were gone. Or, I thought you were.”
“So why were you there?”
I put my finger up and reach for my phone with my other hand. When I pull it out, I find Cale’s TikTok, where he posted the video of me singing for The Crux Constellation.
Ten thousand views. And counting.
“Oh my god!” I say, laughing in shock. “I’m viral!”
I give my phone to Jin, leaning in close so we can watch it together. The emotion is clear. It’s weird to view it from this side. Singing that song was healing and ethereal in the moment. Now I see a girl with a broken heart, letting her voice carry her through something no one else can really see but they can somehow relate to.
“I was supposed to audition for the band, but I couldn’t do it. After the show, even though they said I sounded good, they didn’t say they’d contact me. I’m pretty sure I missed my chance.” I say all this right before the part when I stop singing because Jin had kissed me there before. The video captures my hesitation, but only me and Jin can tell what’s there.
“I was thinking about—”
“I know.” Jin gently puts his hand behind my head and draws me in.
Here he is again, kissing me, interrupting the song. Is it always going to be like this?
God, I hope so.
♫
August 4th, 2:08 AM
Jin and his mom stayed for dinner. And after dinner. And then Jin and I took to the den ourselves for an episode of The Walking Dead.
We didn’t really watch much of it, if I’m honest. Too busy kissing.
I cover my face with my blankets. Am I really blushing alone in my dark bedroom where literally no one will see me? My cheeks are sore from grinning so much. I’d rather smile than sleep anyway.
This yearning aches. Like when we said goodbye. Jin kept his eyes on me as long as possible, before my front door closed. I slid down the door and dropped to the floor. Maybe I was hoping he’d come back if I laid in the entryway.
Separation from him feels so wrong. Like someone so in love shouldn’t feel heartbroken, but I do. The reality is a thrill, though. He’s mine. I’m his. Bless this summer, injuries and all.
All I can think about is when I’ll see him next, which is serious cardio for my brimming heart. It keeps me awake, but my eyes are starting to droop.
Buzz.
My hands are faster on my phone’s notifications than they’ve ever been.
JP: I’m still thinking about you
I type very, very quickly. My cheeks hurt again.
JB: Me too
JB: It’s hard to sleep
JP: Agreed
JP: I’m kind of in awe that today even happened
JB: How do you think I feel?? I didn’t even plan to see you this year!
JP: Haha I guess that’s true
JP: I’m sorry I didn’t just call you. I wasn’t sure you still felt the same.
JP: Lena only said we needed to talk. And your voicemail was discouraging. I thought you’d moved on already.
I audibly whimper when I read that. It didn’t occur to me that keeping my true feelings to myself had hurt him. Not until now.
JP: I’m really really glad I was wrong :)
I can hear it in my head, the text in his voice. Emphasis on the second “really.” An actual smile at the end. I wish he was here, saying it in person.
JB: I love you so much, Jin. I mean it.
JP: I still mean it too.
JP: You should get some sleep.
JB: I’ll call you before you drive back to Seattle
JP: Can’t wait to hear your voice Joy. Goodnight.
JB: Goodnight <3
Grief is the other emotion keeping me up right now. Jin has to go back up to UW to talk to his academic advisor. Apparently his sudden forfeit of the Seoul internship involves signing some paperwork, plus meeting professors to get in classes he needs. He’ll be there for a few days with Jan-di, and it is definitely going to kill me. I’m grateful we live in a time where cell phones exist, but they’re not much when the real thing is so, so good.
I’m not excited about potentially having a longish-distance relationship. It’s not South Korea, but it’s a long drive my car won’t survive after a few round trips. And it’s not like I can just move there. I might have rich friends, but even if they offered to help me get there, I couldn’t take it.
I’m playing this game. Me. I’ll do this my way.
Since I can’t sleep, I think I’ll look at Seattle job listings. I reach for my
phone and check the time. It’s already 2:20 AM. I set it down. I should try to sleep.
Buzz.
I snatch it and see it’s not Jin. It’s an email. I’m about to ignore it, but it’s from Robbie Gonzalez. Robbie Gonzalez the band manager, Robbie Gonzalez.
“So about that audition…” the email subject line reads.
Holy crap. I fight tremors in my hands and my overworked racing heart to open the email.
I read it.
They want me.
HOLY CRAP. The Crux Constellation wants to give me a shot at being their lead singer!
Nope. Not sleeping. Not even trying.
I waste no time calling Jin. Of course he picks up right away. I don’t keep my voice down just because the world is sleeping. I’m squealing. I don’t care if Carson brings his fuzzy head here to complain.
Nothing stops me from sharing in this life-altering news with the boy I’m in love with. He couldn’t be happier for me.
Or for himself. Since it probably means his girlfriend has to move up to Seattle.
TRACK 32 - YOUNG AND IN LOVE
SEPTEMBER 7TH
Finally I can move my weights out of the garage and blare my music.” I’m standing in my mostly bare room and Carson’s taking up my doorway. It suddenly occurs to me that this frequent sight is one thing I’m leaving behind.
Mom already told him there’s no way he’s taking over my room. She refuses to do one thing that might deter her baby girl from visiting home, her words. It makes me feel pretty special, actually.
I ignore his comment. “You’re gonna come up for some shows, right?”
Carson grins. Then he nods once. And I nod back.
I can hardly wait to see him do it from an audience. I think I get why he wanted me at every game now.
Robbie’s email said the band wanted to feel out having me up front, so I drove up that same week and practiced. I also got to see Jin sooner than I expected, which motivated the beater. Dad also fixed her up a bit, thank goodness.
Anyway, they GAVE ME A CONTRACT. After making the drive a few times and practicing more than I thought I could, they wanted me.
I guess going viral has perks. I still have to find a part-time job to make ends meet, but thanks to my Dad’s scary good job-searching skills, I’ve already got a couple interviews lined up. I still have time to apply for part-time school at community college. I’m not mad at that prospect.
“Are you gonna be okay, Joy Bear?” It’s hard to ignore that my big brother is actually worried about me.
I walk up to him and rub his face on both sides, making his curls bounce. “Yes, Racecar. I’ll be fine.”
I wouldn’t be so certain, except that Jin will be there. And Lena. Part of it is my faith in them, and part of it is their faith in me. I might be young, and small, but I’ve tackled bigger arenas than the ones ahead of me.
Knock knock. Lena pokes her head into view.
“Hey, Lena,” Carson says. He moves aside for her, a charming cadence covering him instantly. As if I’m not standing right here. “You look nice today.”
“Whatever, Carson. You still haven’t invited me to a game.” His smile falls off his face.
Okay, I still love how she reams him.
“Uh, yeah, well, I thought…” he stammers. “There’s one today. If you wanna make it.”
Wow. He’s trying the coy approach. Haven’t seen that one. It’s clumsy.
Lena sizes him up. “A solid B for effort. But no. Can I have Joy now?”
“You’re just delaying the inevitable, Lena,” he says with a sly smile on his face as he walks by her.
“Dream on, Carson,” she says, rolling her eyes. Even so, I give her a look that says “is he on to something??”
She frowns like I don’t even know who I’m talking to. “Please, that’s way over,” she affirms, running her hand through her long hair. “It’s weird that you’re moving there before me.”
“I know! I’m excited for when you get there, though. My apartment’s not far from campus,” I say, though I can hardly believe I just said “my apartment.”
“Do you have anything else that needs to go?”
I scan my room. “I don’t think so.”
“Actually, there is one thing. Shouldn’t be too hard to move, though.” Lena pulls something out of her pocket. It’s a silver necklace with a triangle watermelon charm on the end of it. The seeds look like tiny, sparkly black gems.
When I look up, I notice she’s wearing an identical one.
“You got this for me?”
“Yeah. After asking around for what you might like. And, well, I hate the ones where, like, you have to put them together to make a whole piece and say something dumb like ‘BFFs FOREVER’ which is stupidly redundant, so I got matching ones.”
I pluck it from her hand and it sways beneath my fingers. “I love it. A lot.”
“Good,” she says with a huge smile.
I pull my hair to one side so I can clasp it behind my neck. It drops just below the neckline of my pineapple tee, the coral pink popping against the yellow and green like a vibrant fruit salad.
“You ready to go?” Lena asks.
“Yep,” I sigh. It’s weird, leaving the bedroom that cradled me through the most intense time of my life, but I am ready.
Lena and I walk out to where the boys are still loading boxes in my car.
This summer started with a ridiculous deal for this very car. This beat-up, ugly beige, 90s sedan, that practically begged me to call Jin to my rescue on multiple occasions. I couldn’t leave her behind.
Cale rubs her roof in nostalgia.
“Be good to her,” he says with his eyes closed.
“She’s been good to me so far,” I assure him.
“I was actually talking to you, Almond Joy. This is my baby.”
“It’s a big, metal object, Cale,” says Lena. “It’s so weird when guys talk about cars like they’re people.”
Cale clings to the side of the car. “Don’t listen to her, my precious, beat-up beauty!”
“Thanks for the help, Cale,” I say, getting a little choked up. “I’m gonna miss you like crazy.”
“No, no, no, no! Stop that! I told you, I’m a sympathetic crier!”
But I don’t comply. I snatch Cale into a hug and a tear escapes the corner of my eye. He squeezes me back.
“I’m about to object to the length of that hug,” says Jin. The tone of his voice tells me Jin definitely isn’t worried about the hug, but Cale’s arms fling away from me anyway.
Turns out, Jin makes him nervous. But Jin still makes me nervous, too. In a different, much better way.
I kiss Jin’s cheek after he’s loaded my last box.
“That everything?” he asks. And honestly, I’ve already forgotten what he’s asking about. I can’t believe he’s here, about to drive us up to Seattle, to a tiny apartment I’ll share with my bandmates Krista and Fiona, in close proximity to where Jin will be studying law.
I’ve been ready for days.
“Just one thing,” I say, and I jog back inside my suburban home, straight to my brother’s room.
“I’m leaving,” I say as I hang on to his door frame.
He bolts off of his bed and envelopes me in a bear hug.
I’m proud of him. So proud. Even though he’s sad that I’ll be gone, he can fight his own battles. I grip him with all the strength I have in these bony arms.
I feel in his muscles all the sport and rage. He squeezes me until near death, and then he relaxes, letting me linger. This is the last time I’ll hold my brother up.
“I love you, Carson,” I say into the shirt he’s thankfully wearing.
“I love you, too.” They say your heart can be on your sleeve, but Carson’s is in his voice.
He decides to step outside so he can wave at me as I drive off with Jin. I see Dad is wiping down the beater’s windows, doing his best to leave the beast squeaky clean, which is better than “I love you�
�� coming from him. Mom races out of the house with ziplock bags full of snacks for the road. She hands them to Jin and pats him on the arm.
I think she’s still a little in awe that I snagged him. In a good way. Like me.
She turns to me, laying claim on the final farewell hug. She kisses my forehead and then stares back at me with the hazel eyes I inherited, stroking my head a few times. Fighting tears.
“I’m so proud of you. I’ll see you at your first show,” she says tenderly.
“Okay. I love you, Mom. You too, Dad.”
“Same,” Dad says, and that’s more than I expected. It makes me laugh.
Or maybe I’m just giddy.
I look up at the clear blue sky, entirely empty of clouds. This is the sky that watched my summer live out, in all it’s scandal and glory. I never thought it would end up like this.
Deep breath.
It’s a pretty magnificent sky.
Jin takes the driver’s seat and I take the passenger seat. Piled in with all my things, including, of course, my wonderful and embarrassing Lisa Frank pillow and Barbie blanket.
“Soooo,” Jin says, a mere thirty seconds into our journey, “You said you have some music for the trip.”
I plug my phone into the auxiliary port, old school. “It’s kinda dumb, actually. I made a summer playlist and added songs as things happened. It’s like a record of our summer.”
“A musical commemoration of our love story?” he says with a silly grin.
“I know it’s like melodramatic middle school vibes,” I laugh. “I can pick something else.”
“Play it,” he insists.
I flip through the list of playlists I’ve gathered. Joy’s Summer Playlist. “Are you sure?”
