by M. Clarke
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events, locations, organizations, or person, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Copyright © M. Clarke 2014
Licensing Notes
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in articles and reviews.
To my husband and my children,
Thank you for showing me there is no limit to love. It grows everyday, with every new experience, with every new hopes and dreams. I love you to the moon and back.
To Love A Woman
Download song from Amazon
http://amzn.to/1jkZFTk
Lyrics by M. Clarke/Mary Ting
Produced by Aaron Martinez
Verse 1:
You see her across the room.
Every other face disappears.
The Earth shakes inside of you.
Her smile crawls into your skin,
Chorus:
Touching your heart,
your soul,
your can do nothing,
but dream of her.
All you want to do
is hold her in your arms.
Verse 2:
You want to breathe her in,
and taste every word on her lips.
You long to touch her,
taste her,
give your heart to her,
until you can feel her in your blood.
Chorus:
Touching your heart,
your soul,
your can do nothing,
but long for her.
All you want to do
is hold her in your arms.
Bridge:
With every kiss,
and every touch,
she takes away pieces of you
With every breath,
till there’s nothing left
but you need her
so you let her.
Cause you love her
and cannot breathe without her.
Thank you Myra Espino for creating an awesome book trailer. I can’t thank you enough!
http://youtu.be/pun8Ly6W9r4
Praises for:
My Clarity
“My Clarity is refreshing, beautiful, and tugged at each of my heart strings. I loved it!” Toni Aleo New York Times & USA Today Bestselling author of the Assassins Series.
“At first glance, no one would believe Elijah’s tough guy exterior hides a genuine and giving heart. But, you cannot help whom you fall in love with and when opposites attract, the chemistry is undeniable!” InD’tale Magazine
“M. Clarke/Mary Ting blew me out of the water with this book. I am in awe and in love with this epic tale. Elijah Cooper is now my #1 book boyfriend.” Sammie’s Book Club, for book lovers
“M. Clarke has done it again! My Clarity is a magnificent well written story. You will cry, you will laugh, you will fall in love, but the best part you will not want to put the book down until you have read the last word!” Books and Beyond Fifty Shades.
“My Clairty will give you the best book hangover ever because you’re not going to be able to put it down. You’ll love it to the moon and back. Just like I did.”
Fairiechick’s Fantasy Book Reader
“Through the darkness of our pasts, we are all looking for a little clarity. For Alexandria, Elijah could be just that. My Clarity is a story of love and hope, that through the hardest times we find clarity in each other.” Spare Time Book Blog
“Elijah and Alex sizzle in this wonderful page-turner by M. Clarke. I absolutely couldn’t put it down! This book was 5 stars amazing!” CrossAngeles
Dedication
I can’t tell you enough how much this story means to me, but at the same time, I can’t tell you enough how much your support and friendship means to me. I feel humbled and honored that you are reading My Clarity. You give me the fuel to continue my passion.
Damaris Cardinali—Thank you for being my awesome PR. Words cannot describe our friendship and how much you have done for me.
Kim Rinaldi and Jen Joanisse—What can I say? Thank you for guiding me to make this book the BEST that it can be. Love you both very much!
Alexandrea Weis—Thank you for EVERYTHING. Your guidance and support has helped me become a better writer.
Vanessa Strickler—My angel sister, thank you for all your support and for running My Clarity and From Gods pages. And thank you for being there for me when I needed to vent.
Janie Iturralde—My Street team admin. Your friendship means so much to me. Thank you for all your help, but most of all, your friendship and for always being there for me.
Sam Stettner—Your enthusiasm, and love for Elijah fills my heart. I can’t thank you enough for all you do. Love you to the moon and back, Sun!!!
Kitty Bowers—As I have said many times before, thank you for being my number #1 fan and cheerleader. You pick me up when I am down.
Lisa from The Rock Star of Romance—For all your support and setting up an awesome blog tour.
Street Team—You’re my other family. I don’t even know how to thank you. Words are not enough for all your time and energy. You are simply the best!!!
Laura Hidalgo—For your friendship, and for creating an awesome covers. And for also looking after me.
Joann Buchanan—You are amazing! Thank you for all your input and for loving my books.
To all the authors and bloggers that have been beyond supportive and have become my friends. I can’t thank you enough. There are too many to make a list. I’m very grateful for your support and friendship.
Prologue
Alexandria
Life presents you with many roads, but two things remain constant: you’re born, and when it’s your time, you die. Struck by cancer, my father had traveled his last road. I knew someday he would get really sick from smoking, and no matter how hard I tried to convince him, he didn’t listen. He would rather smoke than live a longer, healthy life with me. That’s the way I saw it.
Wheezing, my dad looked at me. “Alexandria,” he started to say. With a faint smile, he pulled my ear closer to his lips. He was having a difficult time getting his words out. “Don’t. Date. Guys. Who. Smoke.” He tried to laugh, but ended up coughing instead.
“Okay, Dad,” I said softly with a light laugh. I wanted to get mad at him for joking at a time like this, but the irony of his words lightened the mood.
Mom looked like she was going to lose it. Unable to wipe her tears fast enough, she turned away. “I’ll be right back,” she said quickly, heading out of the hospital room to give us space, most likely into the arms of her current husband.
Trying hard not to break down as I wiped my tears, I didn’t see my dad. I saw a man who suffered because of his chosen path. And I saw a man who was going to give his daughter some last words of wisdom.
Suddenly, the urgency of this situation hit me fast and hard. I’d kept myself so closed off from talking about my dad’s cancer that seeing reality in front of me was like hearing the news for the first time. I had a difficult time dealing with the situation. So much so, that I couldn’t even talk about it with my best friend. The word cancer was a death sentence, and I didn’t know how to deal with it. Before I knew it, tears started to stream down my cheeks. My gut told me today was his last day. I just knew. I was lucky though. Most people don’t get to say good-bye.
“Alex, I’m sorry. I wish I had stopped for you,” he said as he struggled with his breath.
I wanted to yell at him, remind him that I had tried to tell him many times that I felt like he c
hose smoking over me. It didn’t mean he was a bad dad. In fact, he was a wonderful one. I wasn’t sure about being a good husband since my parents had divorced long ago, but as a dad, he was involved in every part of my life. He was an active dad who knew everything that was going on with me, and even knew my friends by name.
Most of my friends didn’t feel close to their fathers, but my dad and I bonded through music. We would spend hours singing karaoke together. He said I had a beautiful voice and wanted me to try out for American Idol, but I was too shy. Despite all the good points, what good was it when he wouldn’t be around?
Placing his hand on my cheeks, he started to whisper. “Sunshine…my only sunshine….” He paused. It was a song he sang to me growing up. I can clearly remember the first time he sang it to me. I was five years old.
“Sunshine, why are you crying,” my dad asked, placing me on his lap.
Instead of answering, I showed him my cut finger that was slightly bleeding.
“What happened to this little finger?” he said in the sweetest, caring tone.
“I fell.” I pursed my lips as tears welled in my eyes.
“Let’s go clean that up. I’ll make it feel better. But before we do that, can you smile for me?”
I shook my head with a pouting face, still holding up my index finger. It was my way of reminding him what I needed.
I heard a light chuckle, but when I looked at him, he hid his humorous expression. “Do you know why I call you sunshine?”
“No.” I arched my brows in curiosity.
“When you smile, you light up the whoooole room.” He extended his arms out, and then dropped them to embrace me. “You’re like the sun, glowing, warming up my heart.”
My eyes grew wide in wonderment. “I glow like the sun?” My tone went up a notch in excitement.
“Yes, you do,” he nodded, holding my other hand. “I can’t see it, but I can sure feel it. It makes me happy. When I have a bad day, all I have to do is look at your smile.” Then he started to sing the song. I watched his lips part as I gazed in amazement.
When the song was over, I had forgotten about my cut. I had forgotten about the pain. I was the sun that gave him warmth on his cold days and it was the coolest thing. From then on, he would sing to me when I was feeling sad.
The song will always remind me of him. Suddenly, that song meant more to me than it had before, knowing it could possibly be the last time I heard him sing it.
After he closed his eyes, as if to clear his mind, he opened them and continued. “I’m sorry I won’t be there to see you graduate from high school and college, and I won’t be there to walk you down the aisle.” Tears poured down the corners of his eyes. “I’m sorry I won’t know the guy who will one day think of you as his sunshine.” He paused. “No matter where I am, I’ll always watch over you.” My dad stroked my cheeks.
I couldn’t take it anymore. As uncontrolled tears poured down my face, his words engulfed me in a darkness I had never felt before. “Okay,” I nodded, looking anywhere but his eyes as I gasped for air. I wanted to tell him so much. I wanted to apologize for being mad when he became sick, blaming him for his choices when I should have accepted it and tried to spend quality time with him instead. But I thought I’d have more time with him. I didn’t realize that the thing I feared the most would happen this fast.
“Shhh….” he whispered, wiping my tears before they fell. “This isn’t goodbye. I’ll see you one day, but not too soon, okay? You’re only eighteen. You have a long life ahead of you.”
I nodded, whimpering.
“I love you, Sunshine. I always will. I’ll always live in your heart. Look for me there when you need me. You keep me there until you can replace me with a guy who will love you as much as I do. Who will love you for all your goodness and your faults. Who will make you feel like you’re the center of his world. Who will give you the best of him and all of him. Promise me.”
Nodding to confirm since speaking was out of the question at this point, I wrapped my arms around my dad’s chest and felt it rise and fall. I was a little girl all over again as he stroked my hair with his hand. As we held each other tight, all went silent. I didn’t know how long we stayed that way; I just knew I wanted it to last. The last thing I remembered before I let out a gut-wrenching cry was his barely audible voice. “Please don’t take my sunshine away.” I felt his hand slide off my back and there was no movement on his chest.
“No, Daddy. Don’t leave me,” I whimpered repeatedly, holding onto him. I cried so loud, my mom and the nurses rushed in. It took the three of them to peel me off my dad. Holding onto my mom, my body shook with shock and regret, thinking I should have spent more time with him, and shouldn’t have been so mad at him. Now it was too late. He was gone.
I didn’t know watching someone you love die would be like this. How do you prepare for it? How do you prepare for the hole left inside by their silenced body? No longer would I hear his laughter. Gone were the lectures I often hated to hear. Now, I would give anything to hear him say I was messing up. Something. Anything. No, there is no preparing. The pain and the sorrow hits you so hard even when you know it’s happening.
Finally calming down, I raised my hand to my heart. The hole in my chest felt empty. The pain of loss had replaced it. I had made a promise. “You’ll be right here, Dad.” My lips quivered, unable to stop my tears again. “You’ll always be here.”
Chapter 1
Three months later
Alexandria
“Don’t cry,” Emma said, wiping her tears. “Look, you’re making me cry.”
Leaning on the side of her car, I nodded to answer, but snorted at the same time when she gave me a dorky face. Emma was such a great friend. She was my cheerleader when I first found out about my dad’s cancer and she was there for me after he passed away. Emma checked up on me by calling and coming over after school to make sure I was okay. She was the sister I wish I had. I wish she could come with me.
“This isn’t good-bye forever. It’s see you later, okay?” she continued, shifting her eyes to see the people waiting for the same bus, and then she turned back to me. “Your dad is so proud of you right now; his little girl is going off to college. I bet he’s smiling down at you.”
I nodded to agree. I almost lost it when she brought up my dad. Every time he was mentioned in conversations, my heart felt like it was on fire, scorched by the memory of him. It was as though I was burying him all over again. His name, the word Dad, our home together, his friends, his favorite food, our love for singing, everything we shared was a constant stab to my heart.
I wanted to forget, hoping it would make the pain bearable, but the burning sensation pulled me back to reality, reminding me. The thought of never seeing him again was pure devastation. Most people I knew could only empathize because they had never felt this degree of loss. It wasn’t that I didn’t appreciate their efforts, they just didn’t understand.
Emma started to caress my arm to comfort me, but the tears kept coming. “I’m sorry,” I sniffed. “I told myself I wasn’t going to cry.” I fanned my hand as if it would make them stop, but it also gave me some relief from this humid, sweltering weather. Finally, after several deep breaths and short gasps, I buried the tears deep into the recesses of my heart.
“You don’t need to apologize.” She paused. Her eyes danced, as if to gather her thoughts, searching for the perfect words. “You’re going to have a great experience. It will do some good for you to leave this town. Leave the memories behind you and make new ones. Hell…if I could go with you, I would. I would feel better if I did, especially since it’s only been three months since your dad passed away. It’s okay to cry when you miss him. It’s also okay to call me when you want to talk about him, ya hear? You don’t have to be strong by yourself. You know you have me to lean on, even if it’s just over the phone.”
I nodded because words failed me. I was afraid I would bawl like crazy in front of her.
Emma co
ntinued, looking at me with hope in her eyes. “Maybe you’ll meet someone who will sweep you off your feet. And do try to hang out and not be such a nerd. You only get this experience once. You’re supposed to find yourself.”
After Emma graduated from high school, she continued to work for a clothing store. She said the pay was good and she was going to be a manager in a few months, so she decided that was the road she was going to take. As for me, I wanted to go to college, preferably out of this town.
I had already said good-bye to my mom and my stepdad before Emma picked me up to take me to the bus station. Mom offered to take me, but I told her Emma would take me instead. Ever since Mom remarried five years ago, our relationship hadn’t been the same. I’m glad I only had to live in the same house with them for three months. I couldn’t help it. I was so mad at her for leaving Dad, and for not doing everything she could to try and keep the family together.
Living away from home plus paying college tuition was going to be expensive. Since I didn’t want any of my stepdad’s money, I insisted that I use the college fund Dad had saved up for me. The rest had to come from the part-time jobs that I would have to get once I was there. It wasn’t so much that I disliked my stepdad. It was just strange to think of him as a dad since he hardly knew me at all.
Lung cancer stole my dad’s life. He fought till the very end, but the odds were not in his favor. I can still recall his last words to me: Alexandria, make sure to give your heart to the guy who will love you for all your goodness and your faults, who will make you feel like you’re the center of his world. What did he mean by that anyway?
“The bus should be here in five minutes,” Emma said somberly, opening the trunk of her car.
Excitement and sadness rushed through me as I took out my suitcase, a small duffle bag, and my purse. This was it—my freedom, my independence, and my new life. Though I was scared out of my mind and heartbroken, I had to do this. Turning to Emma, I gave her a big smile and another tight squeeze. “I’ll text you when I get there.”
