My Clarity

by M. Clarke

  Thinking of last night, I knew nothing happened. We were both fully clothed, but why was I on top of him? Oh, please don’t be awake. Feeling hot flashes rush to my cheeks, I peered up further and released a breath when I saw that his eyes were closed. Thank God!

  Pulling away ever so slowly, I managed to get off the bed without disturbing him. After I picked up my pillow and my blanket, I started to tiptoe out of his room. Just before I left, I snuck a peek at his photos. I was assuming they were pictures of his family—his mom, his brother, but where was his dad?

  Elijah got his dark hair from his mom, but I figured he looked more like his father since his brother’s facial features resembled his mom. They were a good-looking family. Hearing a snort sound, I snapped my vision to Elijah. Thank goodness he hadn’t awakened yet, but I panicked when I saw the clock on his nightstand. I had work in one hour. Working on Saturdays sucked.

  Elijah

  I was very much aware of Alex’s every move last night. How could I sleep with her body wrapped around mine? It was difficult when all I wanted to do was give in to my temptation and devour her.

  Knowing how she would react, I pretended to be asleep. When I saw her staring at a photo of my family, it made me uneasy. I made a sound to get her attention. Yup, that worked.

  Maybe I should have slept on the sofa last night. Now, I’d never be able to get her off my mind: the way she smelled like flowers, the way her body molded perfectly to mine, the way her hair tickled my face and arm, the way her hand ran over my chest. I was totally screwed. What was I thinking? That was the problem. I couldn’t think clearly around her.

  Alexandria

  One good thing about working on Saturdays was Lexy. Last week, I only got to see her couple of times since our schedules were different. Working together would not only make the time go by faster, but we would also have the chance to catch up on our gossip.

  “Hey, Alex.” Lexy slipped her clear plastic gloves on.

  I waved at her from the cash register, ringing up a customer.

  “What are you doing tonight?” she mouthed, making a burrito that someone had ordered.

  “Not sure,” I said, and then froze. Elijah strutted toward Lexy and ordered his lunch.

  He looked tired, so that made me question if he was able to get any sleep last night. I wondered if he knew I was practically sleeping on top of him. Being the kind of sleeper that didn’t move around much, I had no idea how I got into that position.

  “Why?” Lexy said to Elijah angrily. I had no idea what they were talking about. Elijah kept whispering in her ear while Lexy kept asking why. Finally with a huff, she threw him his plate, and he almost dropped it.

  “Alex,” Elijah said, shifting his baseball cap. He was hiding his expression under it. “You sleep okay?”

  “Yes, thank you.” It was all I could say as I tried not to look him in the eyes. I was afraid my eyes would deceive me, and he would know that a part of me enjoyed our bodies being entwined like that. After he gave me a twenty and took his change, he headed to his usual spot, turning girls’ heads along the way. They were checking him out. Since there were no other customers, I walked around the tables to pick up trash.

  “Hey, Alexandria.”

  Great! I knew that voice. I rolled my eyes, turned to him, and gave him a fake smile. If he weren’t such a jerk, he would actually be sort of attractive. He had a nice toned body, smooth face, and beautiful green eyes. I don’t know why, but my eyes went straight to Elijah, who was honing in on our conversation, then it shifted to Lexy who looked annoyed.

  “What are you doing tonight?”

  “Studying,” I said quickly. “Do you know what that is?” I don’t know why I was being rude to him. He didn’t grab my ass this time. Trying to brush him off, I went to the next unoccupied table, but I heard footsteps behind me.

  “Yes, I know what that is. I could study you if you’d like,” he said smoothly.

  Ignoring him, I went to another table and placed the cups onto the tray I was holding, but Nolan kept following me.

  “I saw you at the racetrack. Why don’t you come tonight and be my lucky star.”

  “No, thanks. I’m sure you have plenty of lucky stars you can choose from. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do.”

  When Nolan grabbed my wrist, I heard Elijah’s chair slide out, echoing across the room.

  I was assuming Nolan had no idea Elijah was headed toward us since his back was to him. Still holding onto my wrist, he spoke. “You can even be the starter girl. You can be right where the action is.”

  I don’t know why, but I got a thrill from the idea, but it was broken by Elijah’s presence.

  “Get your hands off her,” Elijah gritted through her teeth.

  “What did you say to me?” Nolan let go of my wrist and leaned his body into Elijah’s chest, a way of challenging him. Neither of them gave a damn about the people around them. In fact, some of them picked up their lunch and left.

  “I said…get…your…fucking…hands…off…her.” Elijah’s words were slow, but they were very clear.

  Nolan backed away as if to submit, but his words clearly showed he hadn’t. “What the fuck for? She’s not your girl. In fact, she’s going to be the starter girl tonight.”

  Thank goodness most of the customers left and the manager just walked in.

  “No, she’s not. And don’t ever ask her again.” Elijah’s tone was cool and steady, but it was the look of death in his eyes that scared me the most.

  Nolan looked confused and I was pretty sure I gave Elijah the same look. What was the matter with him? He had no right to make decisions for me. Piercing my eyes at him, my tone was not friendly. “I’m going tonight and you can’t stop me.”

  Nolan looked so proud and pleased that I had spoken up to Elijah. There was too much testosterone in the space between them as they now stood face to face, their eyes full of arrogance and rage. “He’s just scared I’ll beat his sorry ass and he’ll look like a fool.” Nolan added to the blistering fire.

  Elijah flashed his eyes at me at the same time I did his, as if he just got caught hiding a secret. Now I knew why he didn’t want me there. He was racing tonight. Holy shit! I didn’t know Elijah raced. Was he ashamed to tell me? Now I really wanted to be the starter girl.

  “I’m going,” I said as if matter of fact.

  “No, you’re not,” Elijah said as if his words were final.

  “Yes, she is. She will stand on my team,” Nolan cut in.

  That got Elijah’s attention big time. With his fist tight and the muscles on his arms flexing, he bore his eyes into Nolan with anger that slowly seethed. “No…fucking…way.”

  I knew that would set Nolan off. I could tell he was in motion, about to take a swing at Elijah. Before he could, I threw half a cup of water on Nolan’s face. Nolan shot his eyes at me as if he couldn’t believe I had done that. Elijah, on the other hand, let out a hearty laugh, giving me an approving look. He had no idea how pissed off I was at him, so I dumped the remaining water on his T-shirt. Yup, that smirk came right off his face, replaced with a look of shock. He was lucky I was easy on him. Heading toward Lexy, I saw that her eyes were wide and her lower lip dropped. Her laugh was so contagious.

  Chapter 18

  Alexandria

  I didn’t see Elijah the rest of the day after what happened in the dining hall. I didn’t care if he was mad at me because I was angry enough to carry over to next week and then some. After Lexy picked me up, we headed to the race, but on the way there, I asked her a lot of questions.

  “Why is Elijah against me going to the race? I don’t understand.”

  “It’s dangerous. There are the cops, for one thing, and it’s not the safest environment. There was one time when a driver lost control and his car flipped into the audience. You can just imagine what that was like.”

  “That’s terrible. I never even thought of the possibility. Were you there?”

  “Yes, but I was
lucky. I was on the other side of the track.” Lexy looked at her side view mirror, and then turned left.

  “It’s just as dangerous for him, too.”

  “I know, but he needs this.” She flashed a look at me, as if she had said too much.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I’m not supposed to tell you, so please don’t say anything. I’m only telling you so that you can understand him and why he does it in the first place. I don’t want you to think badly of him. It’s just that life sucks sometimes and you gotta do what you have to do to make ends meet. It’s not like he’s selling drugs or hurting anyone.”

  “Okay, Lexy. I’ll pretend you never told me.” I was all ears.

  “Elijah started racing when his younger brother got really sick. He did it to help pay the medical bills, but mostly to pay the household bills for his family. When his brother passed away, his mother committed suicide shortly after. That’s why he took off a year from school. It’s the reason why he didn’t graduate with Jimmy.”

  “Oh My God,” I whispered, covering my mouth. I recalled seeing the photo of his family and another one of his brother and him. Lexy looked over her shoulder, and then turned left. “What about his father?”

  “His father was a big time gambler. His parents got divorced a while back. His father stopped paying child support. It was difficult since his mom was a housewife and never held a job in her life. He started racing to help his family. It’s sad that he doesn’t know where his father is, but on the other hand, he doesn’t care. He says his father is dead to him anyway.”

  “How long ago did his brother pass away?”

  “Just a year ago.”

  “A year ago?” My tone went up a notch as my stomach sank. I had just told him about my loss, yet he was in pain, too. Now I felt horrible. “How did his brother die?”

  “Cancer,” she said quickly and changed the subject. “We’re here. Make sure to stay close to me. If I lose you, I’m in big trouble.”

  “Lexy.” I placed my hand on her shoulder before she could get out of the car. “I appreciate you telling me about Elijah. I won’t let on that I know.”

  “Thanks,” she said. “We tried to be there for him, you know. People grieve in different ways. Elijah is genuinely a great guy. I think he blames himself for not being able to save his brother and his mother. We’re just glad he came back to school and is doing his best to get that college degree and start living again.”

  “One more thing.” I reached for her again. “You don’t have to feel like you have to watch over me.”

  “We all watch out for each other, Alex, but it’s not because of the reasons you think.”

  “Then why?”

  “First of all, you’re my friend and you had no idea about the races. Second, Elijah asked me to. You’re not to be out of my sight. Now that Nolan showed an interest in you, he doesn’t want you hanging out with that crowd.”

  “I don’t plan on it.”

  “It doesn’t matter. Nolan will go after what he wants, just like Elijah.”

  I could understand what Lexy was talking about. Nolan could be aggressive if he wanted to be. Lexy got out of the car and I followed, adjusting my scarf.

  “So what’s going on with Liam?” she asked out of the blue.

  “I don’t know. He’s changed or maybe I’ve changed. He was good to me at the beginning, but I think this long distance relationship isn’t helping. Sometimes I think I should break it off. I don’t feel the same about him as I did back then. He’s always mad at me or maybe I’m mad at him. I don’t know how I feel anymore.”

  “Long distance relationships can do that to you, but if you don’t love him, then cut him off. Why waste your time and energy?”

  “I know. It’s just that I’m not sure. It’s easier to see what happens than doing something about it. Once we’re broken, I know there’s no going back. It’s hard to let go.”

  “I understand,” she sighed. “It was difficult for me to break it off with Jimmy.”

  It was my turned to ask questions. “Did Heather and Elijah break up?”

  “Who knows? They’re on and off. They’ve never really been officially together. Elijah won’t commit because he swore off relationships after the last disaster.”

  “Last disaster?” I asked, hoping to hear more.

  Lexy stopped and held a serious look. “Don’t tell him I told you about her. She was a manipulative, selfish, gold digger, and a slut.”

  “A slut? Really?”

  “I have no proof, but I’m pretty sure Nolan paid her to get any information on Elijah. Who knows what else she did with him.”

  “Is that why Nolan and Elijah don’t get along?”

  “Partially. They’ve always been the top two racers and they both have massive egos they can’t control.”

  I laughed and changed the subject as we proceeded ahead. “Is Heather going to be there?”

  “It depends on her mood. She’s probably upset she’s not the starter girl, so knowing her, she won’t be there.”

  Our conversation stopped after that. Hugging my jacket closer to my body, we walked the rest of the way in silence. It was dark as we trudged across grass, then gravel. I didn’t see many cars, but I knew people parked farther away, so as not to draw any attention. After entering a private door, my question about how many people would be attending was answered.

  It was more crowded than last time. Shoulder to shoulder, we bumped into people walking in. People betting, music blasting, and alcohol was everywhere. My body tingled with exhilaration and I couldn’t fight the butterflies dancing in my stomach. Looking around, though I wasn’t positive, it looked like an abandoned racehorse track. As I looked further up, I saw rows and rows of stadium seats. This felt like the real thing and not something illegal. I couldn’t help feeling both nervous and excited for Elijah.

  “Come on. Elijah told me you’re the starter girl today.” Her words were lost to the crowd as she pulled me along. We had just passed in front of the loud speakers.

  Did I hear her right? “Elijah didn’t want me to be the starter girl,” I hollered at Lexy. It was getting hard to hear as I dragged my feet through the dirt, trying to keep up with her.

  “He told me to bring you to the starting position.”

  “He did?” I mumbled under my breath. Suddenly, I was jolted by the same rush and joy that illuminated from the jovial crowd.

  Two cars were approaching, indicating it was about to start. I recognized the silver car from the last race so the black one had to be Elijah’s. Feeling every fiber of my being tense with nervousness, my heart drummed with the roaring sound from the racecars.

  “I’ll be right there,” Lexy pointed. “When the cars pass you, run to me.”

  Giving her a thumbs up, I stood there thinking what the heck was I doing here. When I heard the wolf whistles from the crowd, I knew it was for me. Unlike Heather, I wore jeans and a jacket to bundle up.

  Standing there as I waited for the race to begin, a huge part of me felt alive and exhilarated. Excitement filled my body and I felt it tickling to my very core. When Nolan’s name was announced, he came out of his car. The crowd cheered and booed. Then he looked at me and blew a kiss.

  Rolling my eyes at Nolan, I waited for Elijah to step out of his car. When he did, all geared up, he stole my breath away. Damn, he looked hot! His jeans and black T-shirt hugged every muscle on his body. There was no imperfection about him. When he slipped on his leather jacket, fuck! All the ladies were screaming his name.

  After he raked his hair back with one long slow stroke, he placed his helmet on his head. When he caught my eyes, he gave me a wink and a shy smile that I just died for. He pointed to where Lexy stood. I understood what he meant. He wanted me go there afterward. I let him know I understood by giving him a thumbs up.

  “We love you, Elijah,” a group of girls cheered loudly from the stands.

  I watched him wave at them and I don’t know why, but jealousy
coursed through me.

  After they got in the cars, I looked at Lexy for direction. “Your scarf!”

  I took off my white scarf and held it up. It ruffled against the soft wind. Hearing the thunderous and unpleasant sound from the car engines, I held my breath and brought the scarf down. It happened so fast; I felt the tunnel of wind whip by. The dirt kicked up, making me cough. After the dust died down, leaving me a better view, I ran to Lexy.

  “Lexy, that was awesome,” I squealed, keeping my eyes on the cars.

  “We have to get to higher ground. Elijah will have my ass if we’re down here. Remember what I told you about what happened when the car lost control?”

  I agreed and we headed higher to find Seth. Holding on to Lexy, I kept my eyes rooted on the cars as we climbed the stairs to our seats.

  The tension in my stomach would not settle no matter how many deep breaths I took. My grip on Lexy got tighter, and my teeth were clenched so tight I thought my jaw was going to break.

  On the fifth turn, Elijah was in the lead. “Come on,” Lexy muttered under her breath. The crowd around me got louder, but practically went silent when Elijah’s car suddenly skidded to the left. Nolan had slammed into the side of Elijah’s car. I didn’t know if it was an accident, but I hoped it was. Once Elijah got back on track, I was able to relax again.

  The cheers erupted again. As much as I wanted Elijah to win, the chances seemed slim, seeing Nolan was now in the lead. Even after a few more rounds, Elijah was still behind. I felt bad that he might lose this race, more so because I knew he needed the money. He never had a father who saved up college funds for him like mine.

  Looking down at my feet, so I wouldn’t see Nolan pass the finish line first, I held my breath waiting for the crowd to make more noise. Suddenly, Lexy broke our link, jumping and screaming. I looked up to hear and see everyone doing the same, but I didn’t know what had happened. I couldn’t see a thing over all these heads, even though I was standing up on my tippy toes. Who won? I was so confused. The screams and clapping got louder. Right as I was about to grab onto Lexy to find out what was going on, I felt two arms embrace me. I was lifted off the ground. My body was being swung around.