From Out of the Blue

by Nadia Nichols

  For a long time, she watched the river rush past, her mind drifting to the sound that slowly soothed and gradually washed the turmoil from her mind. After a while, she heard footsteps. Adult footsteps, measured and deliberate.

  Mitch halted beside her, then crouched on his heels and plucked a stem of wild grass. She pressed the palms of her hands to her eyes and glanced sidelong at him. He should be raging at her, venting his anger and frustration, but instead he was chewing on a piece of grass with a detached expression and staring at the river.

  “Is Hayden okay?” she said.

  “I told him to stay inside the cabin. He’s pretty upset.” Mitch spoke calmly and kept his eyes fixed on the river. “He’s afraid you’re going to have to go back to the hospital.”

  Kate studied his profile and felt the pain within suddenly ebb, as if released by the swift waters of Pike’s Creek. She closed her eyes and drew a deep breath that didn’t make her cough. “I will to have to go back to the hospital,” she said, “but not for a while.”

  “Why don’t you try talking to me, Kate?” He turned his head. “Tell me what’s really going on with you.”

  Those eyes of his trapped her again, and she felt her pulse beating in her veins. “I have acute myelogenous leukemia. My last round of chemotherapy put me in temporary remission, but I need a bone marrow donor and I’m waiting to hear when and if they find a match. There’s a good chance I can beat this if a donor is found. There’s also a good chance I won’t.”

  Mitch looked away again, still chewing on the piece of grass. “So you came here to tell me I had a son, in case you didn’t make it.”

  Kate sensed the tears prickling behind her eyelids. “Hayden’s been through so much,” she whispered around the tight cramp in her throat. “He’s such a great kid. He really is. I love him so much it hurts, and I know I was wrong not to tell you about him, but please, don’t hold that against him. When I found out I was pregnant, I blamed you for what happened between us that night, but it wasn’t your fault, and I didn’t tell you about the pregnancy because…” She hesitated, groping for the words to explain. “Because I didn’t know anything about you. Nothing. Don’t you see? What happened that night was so out of character for me. I don’t screw around, Mitchell. I’m not like that.”

  He tossed the blade of grass down and lasered her with those eyes. “I know you’re not. That’s what I wrote in that letter you never read. Goddammit, Kate. You should’ve read it.”

  “I’m sorry.” Kate drew a shaky breath. “I don’t know what else to say. I’d never felt like that before. You had me so confused. I knew if I stayed around you any longer, I might never want to leave, so then I left without saying goodbye because after what we shared I couldn’t say it. And that’s how it is. I don’t blame you for being upset. I wouldn’t blame you for hating me.”

  He was quiet for a few moments. “God knows hating you would make this a whole lot easier, but I can’t pass judgment and what’s done is done. You made your decision to go it alone, but it couldn’t have been easy in a close-knit military community full of officers’ wives.”

  Kate remembered all the prying visits of the well-meaning wives at her house on the base. They’d been polite, they were verbally supportive, but they all wanted to know who the father was. They didn’t come right out and ask, but she knew she had to make up something to satisfy them. The secret romance with the air force pilot who crashed seemed like a good enough story, better than a one-night stand with a complete stranger in some redneck bar called the Mad Dog Saloon in the middle of an Alaskan blizzard. Her story had appeased their appetite for the tragic and eased their insecurities about their own marriages.

  “Hayden made it easy,” she said. “I never thought I wanted children, but when he was born, that all changed.”

  “That must have changed long before then. You could’ve ended the pregnancy and nobody would’ve known.”

  “That’s not exactly true.” Kate looked away. Damn those eyes of his. She could keep no secrets from him, nor did she particularly care to anymore. “I didn’t realize I was pregnant until almost two months afterward. Two days after I got your letter, to be exact.”

  “Would you have read it, had you known?” Mitch asked.

  Kate reflected for a few moments. “I don’t know,” she said with a shake of her head. “Maybe. Anyhow, we were on a routine blue water ops practicing night-carrier landings when I had a low altitude engine flameout and I had to eject out of the plane.”

  “Whoa,” Mitch interrupted. “You bailed out of a plane when you were two months pregnant?” He noted her expression and nodded. “Sorry. Go ahead.”

  “The ship’s surgeon checked me over pretty carefully after the rescue chopper fished me out of the drink. It’s routine procedure. Aside from a little hypothermia from being in the water awhile, he was afraid I’d cracked a couple of ribs and wanted to take an X-ray. He asked me if there was any chance I was pregnant and I told him no, but then all of a sudden I thought about how lousy I’d been feeling lately and how little attention I’d paid to anything personal since the ship left port, and it hit me.”

  “So you said yes.”

  Kate nodded. “When I amended my answer, the doctor ordered some tests and when they came back positive, he canceled the X-ray. He sat me down in his office and sent me into a state of shock with that news.”

  “I can imagine he was pretty shocked, too. It had to be a first for him.”

  “He was sixty years old, a grandfather of four, and tickled pink at the idea. He fussed around me like a mother hen. When I could get a word out, I brought up the subject of possible injury to the fetus because routine cat shots off the flight deck are pretty extreme in their own right, and ejecting out of a fighter is kind of like blasting off to the moon then falling into the ocean without the benefit of a spaceship. But he just told me that a woman’s body was the most perfectly created vessel for protecting and nurturing the little one I was carrying, and that he’d run some tests to be certain everything was okay. He did, and it was.”

  “And you never thought about having an abortion?”

  Kate shut her eyes. It was the only way to avoid his. “How could I? Once the ship’s surgeon and medical staff knew, no matter how closemouthed they were, sooner or later the news of my pregnancy would get out.”

  “So that’s why Hayden’s out there right now? Because you were afraid of what people might think of you if you had an abortion?”

  Kate felt a shiver of pain. “Not exactly,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper. “There was a part of myself I was beginning to hate. I loved the flying. God, how I loved the flying, but the weapons and the death were hard to deal with. When I found out I was pregnant, I couldn’t kill that baby. I just couldn’t. The only thing to do was carry on as best I could and pretend I was overjoyed.”

  “But you weren’t.”

  She shook her head, opening her eyes and blinking hard. The river rushed past, and she focused on the dark waters. “I was anything but. My career had been right on track and I was finally being regarded as both a great naval aviator and a top-notch officer. A baby wasn’t part of my plans. I didn’t want to prove all the Navy naysayers right by getting pregnant. I didn’t want to be grounded because men in the upper ranks didn’t think it safe for a baby to fly at Mach 2. I didn’t want to swell up like I’d swallowed a beach ball, and I didn’t want to be changing diapers and getting up every two hours to breast feed a hungry baby.”

  “You breast fed?”

  She gave him a level stare. “For the first two months, until I went back on full duty. I figured I might as well do it right if I was going to do it at all. I did it right, Mitch. I wasn’t excited about him at first, I’ll admit that. He messed up all my plans.” She gave him a wry smile. “Correction. You messed up all my plans. But once Hayden was born, I fell in love with him at first sight and I did the best I could by him. That’s why I’m here, telling you all this. I’m trying to do th
e best for him because he’s turned out to be the greatest thing that ever happened to me.”

  Mitch pushed to his feet. He stood looking into the creek for a long moment before speaking again. “When do you have to go back into the hospital?”

  “Right after Hayden’s birthday. I’m scheduled for readmittance to the hospital in Seattle for the bone marrow transplant, assuming they find a donor. It’s a little tougher in my case because there’s Crow blood on my mother’s side of the family, but the doctors are optimistic.”

  “How optimistic?”

  Kate shrugged again. “Doctors don’t like to dispense gloom and doom.”

  “How long will you be in there?”

  “Assuming the transplant’s a go, up to six months, and if it’s successful, for the next two years I’ll be tiptoeing around trying to avoid any and all germs, which is why I tried to resign my commission.”

  “You quit the Navy?”

  “Admiral Gates wouldn’t accept my resignation. He put me on indefinite medical leave.”

  Mitch plucked another stem of grass and shredded it methodically. “What if they don’t find a donor?”

  “I’ll keep undergoing chemotherapy until either I die or the leukemia goes into permanent remission, which I’m told is rare but sometimes happens.”

  “Other family members aren’t matches? Siblings?”

  “I’m an only child, and it’s rare that a family member can be a donor. Mine can’t.”

  “So that’s why Hayden’s looking like he just lost his best friend.”

  Kate nodded. “He’s been through my chemo twice already. It isn’t much fun for him.”

  Mitch moved a few steps away from her while she struggled to compose herself. He’d never forgive her. Could she blame him? No. But nonetheless, she wished he would. She wished he’d say something to release her. Something to absolve her guilt.

  She heard the splash of something hitting the water. Then another splash. And another. She glanced up. Mitch was flinging stones as if trying to skip them, though none were flat. He flung them hard, putting all his strength behind each effort, and when he ran out he picked up another handful and sent them after the first. Midway through this savage, nonstop delivery, one of them skipped three times across the river.

  He glanced over his shoulder at her, his eyes fierce. “You try hard enough, you can make anything happen, Kate. Anything at all. You’re a fighter. You’ll get through this.”

  She nodded, too overcome to speak.

  He let the rest of the stones fall at his feet as he turned to face her. His expression was as hard and flinty as the rocks he’d been throwing. “I won’t lie to you. I’m mad as hell that you wrote me out of my son’s life the way you did. I don’t understand why you never gave me a chance to be a part of it and I never will, but everything’s different now, so I guess what we have to do is figure out where to go from here.”

  Kate started to speak, but he raised his hand to silence her.

  “I read that article about you in the air force magazine and I think I understand the kind of woman you are, and what you’re about to say,” he said. “You’re going to tell me you’re tough enough to take on anything. You’re strong enough. You’re going to tell me you like going it alone. Going it alone means you might one day make fleet commander or walk on the moon. Going it alone means flying out of Eielson without saying goodbye, throwing my letter off the flight deck unread and not telling me about Hayden. You’re going to tell me you don’t need my help, you don’t need anybody’s help, but you know what? I honest to God don’t think you’d be here if you didn’t.

  “Wait!” He held up his hand again to thwart another attempt at interruption. “Let me finish. You came here to size me up in person before telling me about Hayden, and I’m guessing I passed the test or you wouldn’t have told me. Am I right? Well…” He glared at her long and hard, then turned away, shoulders set. He drew several measured breaths while looking to where the mountain would be if it weren’t hidden in the clouds, then cursed softly. “I don’t know what to say.”

  “I understand,” Kate said quietly. “If you could take us back to the airstrip, I’m sure Campy will drop us back at the Moosewood when we’re done shopping. That’ll give you some time to sort this all out.”

  He nodded, rubbed the back of his neck and looked toward the porch, where Hayden waited. “Maybe that’s best.” His eyes caught hers with that riveting electrical jolt. “Maybe that’ll give you time to tell Hayden that his father miraculously survived the crash that you thought killed him. But I’ll feed you lunch first. Out here in the bush you never send anyone away hungry, least of all your own son and his mother. It’s against the law.”

  Kate shook her head. “That’s okay, Mitch, I’m not really that…”

  “You’re both eating before you leave here,” Mitch interrupted in a voice that brooked no argument, “and that’s that.”

  MITCH THOUGHT he knew all about suffering, but sitting through that lunch, with Hayden and Kate both looking pale and drawn, he realized he didn’t have a clue. He also didn’t know how to conduct himself, for that matter. He was a father now, and being a father wasn’t as easy as making soup. He couldn’t just add water and stir himself into something warm and paternal. But that’s why he’d forced her to stay. He’d been hoping some divine transformation would occur within him, and that suddenly the first and foremost thing he’d want to be in this whole wide world was a good father to this kid.

  In retrospect, perhaps he should just be grateful he hadn’t already suffered a nervous breakdown. He really didn’t have a clue how to deal with any of this.

  “Good soup, huh?” he said to Hayden. Most of the boy’s soup was still in the bowl; his toasted peanut butter sandwich was untouched. “How about you eat your sandwich, pard. You’re a growing boy and peanut butter’s good stuff. Full of protein and…whatever else is in peanuts.” He glanced at Kate, who was pushing noodles through the broth with her spoon—as uninterested in the meal as her son.

  Their son.

  “Okay,” he said, leaning across the table with a surge of frustration. Kate was sick. She was too thin. She needed to eat. He wrested the spoon from her hand as she raised startled eyes. “Watch this, Hayden. This is how my mom used to feed me when I wouldn’t eat. She’d scoop up the soup, like this, with the noodles dangling off the sides of the spoon, and then she’d pretend it was an airplane like this. Ready, Kate?”

  She intercepted his hand with her own and reclaimed her spoon with a look that would’ve struck him dead, if looks could, but she downed the spoonful and ate another for good measure. “You’re right,” she said, forcing a tight smile in his direction. “This is delicious. Definitely the best soup I’ve ever had. Hayden, eat your soup.”

  “You heard your mother,” Mitch said. “Eat your lunch.” The intonation of his words disturbed him. He definitely didn’t like sounding like his own dad. Fatherhood wasn’t something he’d even remotely imagined, and now his almost four-year-old son was sitting here at his table, being scolded by a man he didn’t even know was his father. This was, without a doubt, the toughest challenge he’d ever faced. Forget the combat pilot fly-and-fight, life-or-death stuff. All that paled in comparison to finding out that a woman he had definite feelings for was battling cancer…and her little boy just happened to be his son.

  Minutes that felt like hours later, Mitch pushed back in his chair. “Good job, pard. And your mom did great, too.” He gathered up the dishes and deposited them in the sink. “I’ll take care of these later. Let’s get you headed out on your shopping trip.”

  Coward.

  That was the word that crossed his mind as he shepherded Kate and Hayden out to his truck. Thor tried to jump in the front seat with Hayden. “In the back!” Mitch snapped, and the black beast flattened its ears and reluctantly obeyed.

  He couldn’t help it. He couldn’t wait to be rid of them. He couldn’t deal with any of this. Not Kate’s awful sickness
nor the fact that Hayden was his son. He was a coward, and his first instinct was to run far, run fast and not look back.

  WALLY WAS POLISHING his already gleaming Harley and Campy was sunning herself outside the shack when they arrived. She stood up and stubbed out the cigarette she was smoking. “Hey,” she said as Kate and Hayden climbed out of the truck. “Thought maybe you’d changed your mind about our shopping trip.”

  “Of course not,” Kate replied. She unfastened Hayden’s car seat then walked around to the driver’s side. “Thanks for lunch,” she said to Mitch.

  “Have a good time,” he said politely, but there was no sincerity in it. Both his words and his eyes were cool. He was obviously distancing himself from her, from his son. She’d dreaded this moment, and now here it was, staring her in the face.

  Retribution.

  “We will.” Her reply sounded as hollow as his.

  “I’ll call you,” he said, but she knew he wouldn’t. “See you, Hayden.” Hayden looked at him but said nothing. Mitch sat for a few moments, staring back at Hayden, then sighed. “Look, I’m sorry we didn’t get a chance to go fishing. Maybe later?” He glanced at Kate and she caught a glimpse of uncertainty that overrode the anger he clearly felt toward her. “Why don’t you let me give Hayden a ride back to the Moosewood? It’ll give you girls a chance to do your thing and we can talk more about fishing, and stuff like that. Guy stuff.”

  Kate hesitated. Mitch was trying to make a connection with Hayden. She had to give him credit for that. “Okay, if he wants.”

  Hayden didn’t waste any time climbing back into the truck, which surprised her. She buckled him back into the car seat and kissed him goodbye. Mitch gave her a cool nod, put the truck in Reverse and had started to back up when Campy sauntered toward his window, tossing her hair out of her eyes. “The phone’s been ringing off the hook, Mitch. You’re going to be the busiest pilot in Alaska pretty quick here, so enjoy your afternoon off. Wally wants to know if you called the news station back about the interview.”