Helmut Saves the World

by Matt Sheehan

  I had spotted a diner a block away on our ride in, so I decided to get some lunch while Shamus did the legwork. It was nice to change places with him for an hour or so. Sort of like the Prince and the Pauper.

  It was a typical diner, with loud colors, lacquered tables and the smell of fried foods. I eat like a horse, and whatever I want, but I don’t get fat. I do train a lot, but honestly my metabolism is fantastic. I found a spot in the rear of the restaurant, where I could keep an eye on the door. It’s a force of habit. I always feel more comfortable when my back isn’t exposed.

  I knew I’d sat in the right section when I saw the waitress approach. She was a knockout. She had that hip sway when she walked and great hips to go with it. Not that the top half was half-bad either.

  “Welcome to the Hungry Hoplite. I’m Kimberly. What can I start you off with today?”

  What I really wanted was most certainly not on the menu. I gave her a smile and stared into her eyes for a few beats longer than would usually be polite before ordering. She blushed and messed with her hair, but didn’t break eye contact.

  “Black coffee, a steak sandwich and your phone number, please.” Confidence and a direct approach rarely disappoint, and they certainly didn’t in this case. A few moments of playful banter and I got her digits and a free dessert to boot.

  I did end up calling her eventually, and we went out a few times. I won’t bore you with the details of the relationship with Kimberly, mostly because it was boring enough to live through. The chase is always fun, but her lack of imagination and enthusiasm in certain private aspects of our association led to a swift and terrible ending on my part. I was a gentleman about it though. I waited ’til we were both dressed. Shamus calls it “pulling a Donna,” since she was the first girl I broke up with in this abrupt manner. I figure it’s best to pull the bandage off quickly. I’m sure they appreciate it as well.

  Shamus found me as I was finishing my second cup of coffee. I gestured toward the waitress with my cup. “I made a new friend.”

  “Only one? It’s been a whole hour since I saw you last.”

  “Be fair. It’s only been forty-five minutes, and most of the hairy-pitted girls in this neighborhood aren’t worth meeting.” He gave me his lips-only smile. “Did the birds tell you I was here?”

  “Nope, just followed the scent of charred animal flesh. Thanks a lot for bailing on me.”

  “I didn’t bail on you and you know it. I was too conspicuous in that bohemian hovel. You on the other hand... Anyway, you were in there a long time. Did you get anything useful?”

  He started smiling at that point, and I knew he had something.

  “I found the girl.”

  “The girl in the picture who you say he loves so much?”

  “Yes, and he does. That’s why he disappeared.”

  “And you know this how?”

  “I listened to them talk while I pretended to read the newspaper.”

  I almost choked on my last sip of coffee. “Them? You mean he’s in there?”

  “Yeah, he came in a few minutes after you left. I spotted her the second I walked in the door. She’s Steph by the way. She took a break when he came in and they sat and talked for a while.”

  “Well, the job is done. Let’s give Mr. Pallas a call and get paid.”

  “These are good people, Helmut. He’s no corporate thief. I don’t trust Alek.”

  And that, of course, was the problem. I didn’t trust him either. “I thought you might say that. Well, we have some leverage now. Let’s go talk to the boss and see if we can get a few answers before we hand him over.”

  He nodded his agreement, but he didn’t look happy about it. I left a hefty tip because the chase was still on, and the meal was work related and was going on the expense report.

  We took a cab back to the precinct to pick up my car, then took it across town to the address Alek had given us for his office. The driving gave me time to think. The job was technically over. With a simple stakeout we could have easily snatched Johnny off the street or followed him back to wherever he was staying. The problem was my gut and Sha’s psychic radar were both telling us something was wrong.

  I turned to Shamus in the passenger seat and foolishly asked for advice. “Any suggestions?”

  “Mouthwash.”

  “About our upcoming meeting.” I left “jackass” off the end of the sentence with some difficulty.

  “Tell him he’s a lying bastard and throttle him until he tells us the truth.”

  “You know you’re not being helpful, right?”

  All I got was an innocent look and a shrug. His suggestion would work great with your average street thug but is not entirely appropriate with rich lawyers who have armed bodyguards.

  Alek’s office was situated in one of the newer glass-and-metal high-rises with a ridiculous piece of modern art, apparently assembled from scrap and garbage, overlooking a fountain in front. It was one of the few times I wished Willie was with us. I would have let him swim in the fountain and pee on the sculpture. We were greeted by a well-dressed doorman who opened the door for us and tipped his cap at me but gave Shamus a second look. The inside was classy, with marble floors and pillars, antique furniture and multiple large vases with fresh-cut flowers. The directory listed Markos and Dukas on the thirteenth floor. I wondered how much it cost to lease a place like this and realized our client probably could have paid us triple our usual instead of just the double we were getting.

  “I think we are in the wrong line of work.”

  Shamus shrugged and gave me his semi-disgusted look. “The people who work here probably have to get up early every morning and work ridiculous hours. And I bet they have to shave every day.”

  So you see what I have to work with. We rode the elevator in silence to the thirteenth floor. I still wasn’t sure of the nicest way to call our moneyed client a liar without losing our shot at said money. My conscience was a bit tied in knots over this one.

  The door opened into an entryway devoted entirely to Alek’s company. Apparently they had the entire floor to themselves. A whole bunch of what I could best describe as fancy stuff decorated the walls and tables. A stout, middle-aged woman sat at an ornate desk in an ill-fitting business suit. Behind her was a set of closed mahogany doors. That was our destination.

  Shamus looked completely out of place and was staring with his mouth open. I had to give him a tug to break the trance and get him moving toward the visitor’s desk. Alek had gone with the matronly battle-axe rather than the shapely young lass for the front-desk position, which is not very inviting and definitely doesn’t play to my strength. Women like that never tend to go for my sweet talk, either because my heart’s not really in it or because they are worldly enough to see it for what it is.

  This is where it’s nice to have a partner who covers your weak spots. For all his troubles with women, Shamus is great with the old broads. They think he’s sweet and as I’ve said before, they love his hair. He took a look at me, saw the doubt in my eyes, and took the lead.

  “Good afternoon, miss. We would like to see Mr. Pallas.”

  “Is he expecting you?” The look she gave us and her tone of voice let us know that she did not believe he was expecting us.

  “I’m sorry, we should have called ahead, but I know he will want to speak with us right away. I’m Shamus and this is Helmut.”

  I tried to give her my confident grin, but it was crushed by her grim features, and all I could manage was a look that probably resembled constipation. Shamus, on the other hand, has this sappy yet endearing facade that makes middle-aged women want to take care of him. His cheeks blush slightly, his eyes water a little, and their will breaks against it.

  Some deep-seated maternal instinct must have kicked in for her as well, because her frown lessened and she glanced over at th
e phone by her side. She shook her head at Shamus in the way you would at a small child who had just spilled their milk.

  “Well, all right, just this once.”

  She picked up the phone and buzzed her boss, but barely got our names out before she was interrupted.

  “Yes, sir, I will send them in right away.” She looked up at us. “Apparently you were expected. Right this way, gentlemen.”

  She even looked at me when she said “gentlemen.” The large mahogany doors were opened and we were ushered through and sent down the hall to the last door on the left. We passed a few offices with their doors and blinds closed, as well as an open meeting area with couches and chairs, but didn’t see anyone around. I had the fleeting thought that this was all just a fancy mock-up, but brushed it off. We got to the last door on the left and were greeted by Alek. I was surprised at the time because I barely recognized him, which is weird for me because I’m good with faces.

  “Ah my friends, how is the search going?”

  “You know how it is—leave no stone unturned. But there are a lot of stones to turn over and just the two of us.”

  “Well, then it’s a good thing you weren’t the only firm I hired.”

  He obviously saw the surprise on my face.

  “Don’t be offended. I have a deep respect for what it is you two do, but the object of this search is far too important to entrust to even your vast skills alone.”

  I believe that was the nicest diss I have ever received.

  “These must be incredibly important secrets to invest so many resources into retrieving them.”

  His smile never wavered, but there was a change in his eyes.

  “Perhaps we got off on the wrong foot today. Please, come in.”

  He led us into his office and onto a soft, yellow leather sofa that must have cost more than my car and was definitely the most comfortable thing I have ever sat on. The view of the city from up there was beautiful. The old firehouse is nice, but this was the lifestyle for me. Our host poured us a couple of drinks out of a crystal decanter and placed them in front of us on a black granite coffee table, then sat down in a matching leather chair across from us.

  “I assume you like scotch. It’s a single malt and well-aged.”

  Before I could open my mouth to say the words “I don’t drink,” Shamus had discreetly kicked my shin under the table. He wanted mine too, so I took what I was offered. I noticed at that point that Shamus looked more tired and pale than usual, which is saying something for him, but he was already sipping his scotch so I figured he couldn’t be feeling too badly.

  “Look gents, I would love to give you all the details, but I simply can’t. I have to find Mr. Singh as soon as possible. Many people could be hurt if I don’t.”

  He looked like he wanted to say more, but he took a sip of his drink instead, leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes for a few seconds. Shamus used the opportunity to put his empty glass down on the table and pick up my full one.

  Alek looked like he was barely holding it together. He took a handkerchief from his hip pocket and mopped his brow. I chose this as my moment to peddle some half-truths.

  “Well, we have a lead. We’re in contact with someone who may know where he is. But from what I hear, he hardly seems dangerous. I don’t think he’d hurt anyone.”

  “It’s nothing he would do necessarily, but the information he has in the wrong hands...”

  He let the thought hang and mopped his brow again. Before more could be said, we were both startled by Shamus putting his empty glass down a bit too hard on the table. A few uncomfortable moments passed as Shamus simply stared at Mr. Pallas with a quizzical look on his face.

  “Is everything all right, Shamus?”

  He just looked at me with the same dumb look, so I excused us and pulled him into the hallway.

  “Are you drunk?”

  “A little. Who is that guy in the office?”

  “Do you have a concussion?”

  “Bite me. I was drinking my scotch, which is very good by the way, and listening to you waste time. Did I fall asleep or something? Seriously, who is that guy?”

  I noticed then that Shamus looked less fatigued and that he had some color back in his cheeks.

  “Is your headache gone?”

  “Yeah, actually. I feel much better.”

  “Alek never left the room. That’s him in there right now.”

  “Alek is a middle-sized, middle-aged, average-looking dude. The guy in there is taller than you and looks like a pankration fighter.”

  Now you have to understand my predicament. From the outside looking in, it would be easy to assume that due to Shamus’s amazing powers, whatever he says at any given time must be correct. The thing is, at times he can be pretty nutty, especially when he has been drinking. Once at O’Kelly’s he had a long conversation with the mounted cougar head above the bar. At the time he believed he was communing with the barkeep’s animal guide.

  “Okay, this is a new one. That’s the same guy we met at our office. He’s not taller than me, and he may look like a competitive chess player, but he’s certainly not a fighter.”

  He gave me an eye roll and an exasperated sigh.

  “Well, the scotch definitely cleared my head. And maybe he’s getting tired or something. But what you think he looks like isn’t what he looks like.”

  “And that’s possible how?”

  He just stared at me for a few seconds, with his head cocked slightly to the right.

  “I can shoot lighting out of my skin and talk to birds. Can you explain that?”

  “Point taken. He’s got to be wondering what’s going on. Give me a minute to finish up with Alek. We’ll figure this out later.”

  He nodded and I opened the door and stuck my head back into the office. Alek was more composed than he’d been when we stepped out, but I did notice that my eyes ached a little when I looked at him. And he had a hardness about him that I hadn’t noticed before.

  “Alek, we’ve got to run. Shamus just had a vision and we need to follow up on it.”

  “Good to hear. Please keep me apprised of any new leads.”

  “Will do.”

  After that we split. On the way out I caught Shamus staring into a few of the dark and empty offices along the corridor.

  “Looking for an open bottle?”

  “This place isn’t as empty as it looks. I can almost see people in some of these offices.”

  “What do you mean by ‘almost see’?”

  He gave me an exasperated look. “I can’t see them, but I can almost see them.”

  “Oh, okay. Got it.” I didn’t, but sometimes when he’s being snippy I just placate him. In hindsight I will admit that I felt like I was being watched, but hindsight is always six-six.

  On the way to the elevator the secretary told us to have a nice day. I told her to do the same, but Shamus just stared at her with a quizzical expression. When the doors closed and we started moving, I asked him about it.

  “I wasn’t expecting a bearded man in a dress to be sitting at that desk.”

  I opened and closed my mouth a few times, not knowing exactly what to say. I finally decided silence would be the best approach. Shamus had definitely put in a full day of work, and I figured that at this point his third eye or whatever was simply burned out. I was ready to call it a day as well. The ride home was slow due to rush-hour traffic, but Shamus never noticed. He was asleep with his mouth open and his head against the window not long after I started the car.

  Chapter Eleven

  Shamus got an hour’s nap, but he made it up to me with a hand-pressed cup of coffee and a plate of dolmas back at the office. Willie growled at me ’til I reluctantly gave him one. I tried to give him a pat on the head, but he deftly avoi
ded my hand. I had my snack while I watched the evening news.

  Apparently a vigilante had assaulted three shakedown artists in midtown and sent them to the hospital. Imagine that. Unfortunately the witnesses couldn’t remember anything about the assailant. The anchor made a point of saying how citizens shouldn’t take the law into their own hands. If I ever see him being mugged, I’ll make sure I stay out of the way.

  We got a call from Officer Phoebe right before her shift ended. She was very sorry but didn’t have much information to share with me about our clients. Apparently the county registrar in New Athens had no record of a law firm under the name Markos and Dukas there or in any of the surrounding counties. Megapolis had a Markos and Associates, which she called, but they worked mostly in family law and had never heard of Alek Pallas.

  Johnny Singh did in fact graduate from the AP Academy, and Phoebe had ordered a copy of his transcript, but she’d been told it would take four to six weeks to process. As far as she could find, he had no priors and was not a person of interest in any active cases in either city. I assured a relieved Phoebe that she would in fact receive a keg of Sha’s special brew, even though she came up empty for us this time. She’ll feel obliged to help next time, and I certainly don’t mind having a little leverage.

  Shamus and I spent the evening playing tali. I know there is no precedence for Druids having telekinesis, but I just can’t see how anyone can legitimately throw an Aphrodite as often as he does. I usually prefer to play backgammon, and we have had some wicked games between the two of us, but Shamus prefers dice. The reason is he hates to lose, and I beat him at least half the time in backgammon. Since I’d made him work all day, I let him choose.

  He put down more mugs of ale than I bothered to count, but it never affected his game. If anything, the more he drank, the more ridiculous the combinations he got. On game nights I’ll try to drink a beer with him, but I never get past a few sips. I have just never gotten a taste for it. After he was well-lubricated and happy from a night’s worth of cheating me at dice, most likely unintentionally, I decided to ask him about not recognizing Alek.