Melancholy

by Bella Jewel

  I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t even know what I’m going to do.

  Right now, I have no one.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  2014 – Maddox

  My phone rings, and I glare at the man over from me. He’s got information, but gathering it is proving to be fuckin’ hard. He refuses to give me answers, even with Krypt’s persuasion in the forms of punching, stabbing, and burning.

  We’ve been at it for two hours, and the fucker refuses to give us what we want. Kennedy’s lead is a fuckin’ flop, and our next best option is killing the fucker. My phone stops ringing, for less than a second, before it starts again. Fuck, someone wants me.

  I lift it out, not taking my eyes from the bloody, battered male in front of me. “What?” I bark.

  “Maddox, we have a huge fucking problem.”

  It’s Mack, and by the sounds of it, the man is frantic.

  “What’s goin’ on?”

  “Santana came by . . . She was in your office and decided to start organizing papers. You left your safe open and she went into the filing cabinet . . .”

  I’m already rushing forward, even before the words leave his lips.

  “She knows, Maddox.”

  No.

  Fucking no.

  “Where is she?” I bark.

  “She ran. I’ve got the guys looking for her but so far, we’ve not been able to find her.”

  “Well fuckin’ find her,” I roar. “I’m on my way!”

  I throw the phone so hard against the wall it smashes. Krypt turns to me, his eyes narrowed.

  “What’s goin’ on?”

  “She knows, she fuckin’ knows.”

  “Shit.”

  “We gotta roll; kill that fucker. I don’t have time for this shit.”

  “What?” The man croaks. “No.”

  “You gonna tell me what you fuckin’ know?” I bark, pulling out my gun.

  “I can’t . . . they’ll . . . they’ll kill me.”

  “Then allow me to make it easier for them.”

  I lift the gun and I shoot him right in the middle of the eyes. I don’t even watch the blood explode from the back of his head before I turn and charge out of the room with a bark to Krypt. “Clean that up.”

  I have bigger things to worry about, including how the hell I’m going to get my girl back.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  2014 – Santana

  My hands tremble as I shove my clothes into my suitcase. I’m not sure where I’m going to go, but I’m not staying here. I can’t be at Mack’s house, and I certainly can’t go back to Maddox’s. I need to find somewhere to base myself before I get to work on finding my sister. I won’t leave her in hell a second longer than necessary. I’ve let her down.

  This is all my fault.

  “Santana!”

  Maddox’s booming voice fills my ears. I don’t move. I don’t even look up when I hear his booted strides coming up the stairs. My door swings open, and my fingers tremble as I try to avoid staring at the man who broke my heart. He stops, and the room is so silent I can hear his panting breath.

  “You’re leaving.”

  It’s not a question, but even if it was, I wouldn't answer it. I don’t owe him any explanations. I just keep packing with shaky hands, trying to keep the hysteria inside.

  “Santana, I know you’re hurtin’. I fucked up lettin’ you believe Pippa was dead, but you need to understand it was the best thing at the time.”

  I say nothing. My fingers clench around the shirt in my hands, but I don’t answer. Be calm. Leave. Don’t get into it with him.

  “You were in a bad way. I went looking for her and she was gone. When I found out what’d happened, I came back to tell you.”

  Breathe. Breathe.

  “You were scratching your arms to pieces, screaming and thrashing. I knew then and there you couldn’t handle it. If I’d have told you, you would have rushed out, desperate for drugs, and killed yourself before you could ever help her.”

  I begin to shake all over.

  “So I told you she was dead. I wanted you to get better. That was the only way you would pick up your life. I never stopped lookin’, not even for a fuckin’ second. I was going to tell you when I found her . . .”

  I turn, my eyes wild, my body shaking with rage. Maddox is standing at the door, staring at me, his hands in fists by his side.

  “It. Wasn’t. Your. Right,” I spit at him.

  “No, but I was doin’ the best I could at the time.”

  “You told me she was dead,” I scream, finally losing my cool.

  “Because you would have fuckin’ killed yourself if I didn’t. Then where would that have left her?”

  I charge towards him, my fists flying towards his chest. He catches them in his big hands, holding me as I thrash.

  “She’s been alive all this time, all this fucking time. She’s been suffering while I’ve been living a wonderful life. You might have had your reasons for keeping it from me at first, but for five fucking years?”

  “I wanted to get information. I wanted you to be able to find her easily, not run around the fuckin’ world lookin’. You would have done that; you would have carried on and rushed out with no information, puttin’ yourself in a deadly situation.”

  “Of course I would,” I scream, angry tears sliding down my cheeks. “She’s my sister.”

  “Yeah,” he barks. “And who would have helped her if you got yourself killed? Huh?”

  “You kept something from me that you had no right to keep.”

  “That’s not what I fuckin’ asked,” he bellows, jerking me closer. “I ask who the fuck would have helped her if you had jumped out into that fuckin’ dangerous world and gotten yourself killed? Because you fuckin’ would have, Santana. It’s more dangerous than you could ever fuckin’ understand.”

  “It still wasn’t your right,” I yell, kicking out and hitting his shins. He bares his teeth at me in a deadly hiss, but doesn’t let me go. “I mourned her. I cried for her. You let me believe I’d fucking failed!”

  “No,” he barks. “I let you believe she was in a better fuckin’ place so you could pick yourself up and put your own life together.”

  “But she wasn’t in a better place, was she? She was suffering.”

  “I’ve spent five fuckin’ long years searchin’ for her, Santana. I never stopped, not for a fuckin’ second. Do you think you would have had the contacts I’ve got, if you had have gone out on your own?”

  “Even if that’s true,” I whisper, my body slumping, “you still lied to me. You still kept something from me. You could have held me back, you know you could have, but instead you chose to lie. You let me fall for you, and all along it’s been a big, fucking lie.”

  “No,” he rasps.

  “Let me go, Maddox. We’re done here.”

  “No.”

  “Let me go!” I scream. “I said we’re fucking done.”

  “What’re you goin’ to do?” he snarls. “Run out there and try to find someone whose situation you know nothing about?”

  “She’s my sister. Of course I’m going to fucking find her.”

  “You’ll fail,” he barks. “You know why? You have no contacts and no leads. If you want to find her, there’s only one way to do that, and it’s through me. You want to find her, you stay here and you find her. You wanna do it alone, then run out there, but you won’t be gettin’ shit from me.”

  The bastard.

  “You’re blackmailing me,” I whisper, staring up at him in horror.

  “No,” he says, his voice low and throaty. “I’m givin’ you a choice.”

  “If I walk out, you won’t help me. You’re using the information you have to keep me here. That’s blackmail.”

  “Or maybe I’m just not ready to let you go.”

  I look away, anger and pain fighting inside me. Anger at him for lying to me, and pain because I don’t want to spend my life without him.

&nb
sp; “You don’t get a choice.”

  He lets me go, his body stiff. He steps back, letting his arms fall by his sides. “Whatever you think I did, you’re wrong. I only ever had one goal, and that was to keep you safe. I did what I had to do to make that happen. Hate me, go ahead, but if you want my fuckin’ help, you’ll stay.”

  Then he turns and walks out, slamming the door behind him.

  I fall to my knees, and for the hundredth time today. I cry.

  ~*~*~*~

  2014 - Santana

  I know he’s right.

  I don’t have a choice here, not really. If I go out on my own, I could easily get killed, or worse, sold too. Maddox has information, leads and contacts. He’s the only person who can help me with this, and he’s the one person that makes it so hard for me. I don’t want to be near him, and yet the very thought of him makes my heart burn with want.

  I’m curled in my bed at Mack’s house. I’ve cried myself into exhaustion. My heart hurts, my body aches, and I’m so damned confused I don’t know which way to turn. All I know is that I have to help Pippa, no matter the cost. If it means I have to work with Maddox to do that, then I will. If it means I’ll save my sister, then I’ll do whatever I can.

  My door creaks open, and I roll over to see Mack standing with a sandwich in one hand and a soda in the other. He walks in, placing the items down on the bedside table. “You gotta eat, or you’ll crumble.”

  I nod, turning away, tucking myself back into a ball.

  “You take the time to hurt, Santana; you have the right to do that. But eventually, you’re going to have to pick yourself up and decide what to do. I know you’re angry at Maddox, again, you have the right to be, but you need to understand that everything he did, he did because he loves you. Hate him for it if you must, but just remember that with each cruel word, you’re breakin’ his heart as much as he’s breakin’ yours. You gotta decide where you want him, and leave it there. He doesn’t deserve this either, because no matter what you believe, he’s worked his fuckin’ ass off to find that girl.”

  Then I hear him leave the room, closing the door softly behind him. More tears leak out of my eyes, because I know he’s right. Maddox didn’t do it to hurt me; he did it to protect me. I know that, but right now everything inside my body hurts. It hurts so badly. I don’t want to let go of my anger just yet, but at the same time, it hurts to be so in love with him.

  I close my eyes, so exhausted. The blankets around me don’t have the same warmth they usually have. The pillows aren’t comforting, and the soft sounds of Mack talking downstairs bring me no relief. My heart aches in a way it’s never ached before. A huge part of me wants to crawl out of this bed and find Maddox, wrapping myself in his arms. The other part refuses to let him in.

  The last thought in my mind is of my sister, and how she must be feeling in this moment. Is she scared? Is she happy? Is she even alive? I wish I had the answers I so desperately need. Instead, I’ll go to sleep tonight not knowing if she’s going to be okay, and hating that there’s a small chance that I’ll never find her.

  Nothing feels okay right now.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  2014 – Maddox

  “How you doin’, Prez?”

  Krypt hands me a beer. I take it, swallowing it down, not tasting it but relishing the warmth it brings to my broken, aching body.

  “Fine.”

  “It’s goin’ to be okay. It’s all out there now.”

  “Bet you’re fuckin’ real happy about that, ain’t ya?” I snap.

  He crosses his arms, glaring at me. “I’m not happy to see you hurt, or her, but this shit had to come out, and you know it. Have some fuckin’ faith; that girl loves you. She’ll hurt, but she’ll come around.”

  “You didn’t fuckin’ see how she looked at me. There ain’t no way she’s comin’ back.”

  “She’s asleep.”

  We both turn to see Mack enter the room, beer in hand, tired expression on his face.

  “Poor fuckin’ girl,” I say, my voice tired. “If I had to hear her sobs a second longer, I’d fuckin’ die.”

  “She’s hurt, but the pain will ease soon, and she’ll want to find her sister. You just gotta be there for her.”

  Yeah, and not blackmail her because the very idea of losing her is like someone taking my heart out and crushing it.

  “I’m gonna be there, I’m gonna find her sister, and I’m gonna give her the last honest thing I can before she steps away from me.”

  Mack sighs. “She cares for you, bro. I don’t think she’s just going to run.”

  I stand, not wanting to hear anymore of their “she’ll come back” bullshit. I broke her. I fuckin’ tore her heart out and stomped on it. She ain’t comin’ back; I saw it in her eyes. I drop the beer in the bin as I pass them and walk up the stairs.

  “Night, Prez.”

  I don’t answer.

  I walk down the long hall and stop at Santana’s door. I take the handle, pushing it open softly. I stare at the girl curled in a tight ball on the bed. Her tiny body is tucked up to protect itself from the cold. Her dark hair is fanning out over the pillow, and her eyes are clenched closed, like even sleeping hurts.

  I step in, lifting a blanket from the pile of linen sitting beside the bed on a desk. I drape it over her, watching with a broken expression as her fingers go out to grip it, pulling it up under her chin. She doesn’t open her eyes, but a huge part of me wishes she would. There’s so much I want to say, but I’m too fuckin’ broken to let it out.

  I leave the room, closing the door softly behind me.

  I’ve lost her, I just fuckin’ know it.

  I’ve got no one to blame but myself.

  ~*~*~*~

  2014 – Santana

  “Here.”

  I look up to see Ash and Indi, both smiling. Ash pushes a coffee towards me, and I take it gratefully.

  “How are you feeling?”

  I shrug. “As good as can be expected, I guess.”

  “I’m so sorry,” Indi says. “I can’t imagine how it feels.”

  I don’t know how to answer her, because I’m barely able to filter through my own emotions, let alone trying to explain how it feels to someone else. Instead, I offer her a weak smile and sip the coffee. Mack comes into the living area a moment later, shirtless and carrying a heap of papers. Maddox comes in close behind him, also shirtless. His eyes flick to me, but I keep mine facing the coffee cup.

  “We’ve got information. You wanna hear it?” Mack asks me.

  I nod, and am grateful when Ash puts her hand on my shoulder and whispers, “I’ll come with you. It’s okay.”

  I stand and follow them to the table, where we all sit down. I keep my eyes off Maddox as I stare at the mass amounts of information presented to me.

  “This is what we’ve got,” Maddox begins, and I can feel his gaze on me. “As far as we know, Pippa was sold as a working slave. We’ve narrowed down a few locations, however we’re relying on the help of Kennedy to give us the exact point.”

  “Kennedy?” I gasp, lifting my head.

  Maddox nods. “He’s in prison. He knows where Pippa got sent, because he’s the one who sold her.”

  What.

  Kennedy . . . sold her?

  No. He wouldn’t.

  “I don’t . . . I don’t understand.”

  Maddox sighs. “When you went missing and the drug lords came after him, Kennedy had nothing to offer them. So he sold Pippa to them, knowing they’d get a good buck for her in one of the overseas slave markets.”

  “But . . . he wouldn’t,” I whisper, staring at the papers so no one can see the pain in my eyes.

  “He did,” Maddox says simply.

  “Then why haven’t you gotten the information from him?”

  “Didn’t know he was in prison until recently. Been to see him once, he refuses to hand anything over unless . . .”

  “Unless what?” I snap.

  “Unless he sees you.�
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  My jaw tightens. “He wants to see me?”

  “Yeah,” Mack grunts. “The fucker is greedy.”

  “Then why haven’t you taken me?” I cry. “If that’s all that’s been between me and finding Pippa?”

  “Wasn’t that easy,” Maddox grinds out.

  “No, because you wanted to fuck me first.”

  He flinches. “You fuckin’ know that ain’t true, and if you so much as think it again, I’ll pull this fuckin’ case and you can do it on your own. Be angry at me as much as you fuckin’ like, Santana, but don’t you dare, not for one fuckin’ second think I used you.”

  I stare at him, and I can see the pain in his eyes as he speaks. I drop my head.

  “When can we go see him?” My voice is broken, like a shaky rasp.

  “Today. Now.”

  I stand. “Then let’s do this.”

  ~*~*~*~

  We make it to the prison three hours later. Maddox had to work out some details first. I rode with Mack, not wanting to be on the back of Maddox’s bike. Being that close to him is too much right now.

  Only Maddox, Krypt and Mack came for the journey. The less bikers, the less suspicion raised as to why we’re already visiting Kennedy, considering they were only just here.

  The security is quite intense, and by the time we’re let into the visitors’ area, I’m overwhelmed. Maddox stands in front of me, refusing to give me access until he needs to. Mack pats my back once before sitting down with Krypt. A loud buzzer goes off, and then I hear Maddox mutter, “There he is, the fucker.”

  I peer around him, my heart going a million miles an hour. I haven’t had the chance to process the fact that I’m about to see a man I once loved again, and the butterflies and anxiety filling my stomach are enough to make me want to run out and throw up. My hands shake as I catch sight of the man who, more or less, changed my life.

  Very little has changed about Kennedy. He’s still got salt and pepper hair, and a sophisticated look that even his prison outfit doesn’t take away. His eyes fall on me, and I can see him suck in a breath, his hand going up to his heart. Tears well in my eyes, and I’m not sure if they’re happy tears or angry tears. Maddox walks over, and I follow closely behind, not touching him, but near enough that I can smell him.