Tell the Truth & Shame the Devil

by Lezley McSpadden

  I laid down and closed my eyes tightly. Tears trickled down my face.

  In the days that followed I couldn’t stop thinking about my baby that was growing inside me. I was amazed and tripping but I knew I wanted to be able to keep my baby. My head started to hurt I had so many thoughts. I hadn’t told Mike yet and wanted to wait until I had it all figured out. I knew it was time to face my daddy. I feared what he was going to say or do to me. I feared what he was going to do to Mike.

  A week passed, and it was the day I was supposed get the abortion. I had been fretting all day. I already loved this baby and couldn’t bear the thought of getting rid of it.

  Daddy got to the house before Mama. We sat at the kitchen table, and he was silent for a long time.

  “What you wanna do?” Daddy asked.

  “Daddy, I wanna have my baby.”

  “Well, when yo’ mama get here that’s whay I’mma tell her.”

  “You gonna kill Mike?”

  “No but I wanna talk to him. Y’all gonna be young parents, but he gonna have to be a daddy to his baby.”

  Then Daddy gave me a much needed hug of assurance.

  • • • •

  Mama came in from work, and me and Daddy was sitting at the kitchen table again. She didn’t even put her pocketbook down.

  “Well, it’s time. Come on, let’s go,” she said, standing at the door with her keys in her hand.

  “She don’t wanna do that. She wanna keep her baby.”

  “What the hell you talkin’ ’bout, Les?”

  “Dez, that’s what she wanna do.”

  “Well, you know what that mean?” she said, turning to me. “You gonna have to get a job and take care of yo’ baby,” Mama said, letting out a deep sigh.

  “I know, Mama,” I said, with a shaky voice. “But it’s what I want.”

  “Well, Nette Pooh, ain’t no more skatin’!”

  “I ain’t gotta skate,” I said, swallowing hard and digging up my strength.

  “Ain’t no more hangin’ out with yo’ friends. All them days is over.”

  Mama kept going down the ain’t-no-more list, and I was blinking a lot, trying to take in all the stuff she was saying. But I was standing firm by my decision. She gave me a look as if to say, “This yo’ last chance, girl.” I didn’t blink. She threw up her hands, grabbed a beer out the fridge, sat down at the table, and lit a cigarette. Daddy joined her. I walked out to the porch, looked up to the sky and thanked God that conversation was over. Then I smiled. I could officially be happy about having my first baby.

  • • • •

  “Okay, Nette Pooh, how you think yo’ baby gon’ look?” Brittanie giggled.

  “I think it’s gonna have my eyes. If it’s a boy, I just hope he tall like his daddy, instead of short like me. But if it’s a girl, ooh, I can’t wait to put her in all them pretty dresses!” Now we were both giggling. “Hey, I’mma name my baby after you if I have a girl, and Bernard if I have a boy!”

  “For real, Nette Pooh? Well, one day when I have my baby, if it’s a girl I’mma let you name her, then!”

  “Deal!” It was the first time in days that I had smiled. We had made a sister pact right then and there and pinky-swore on it.

  • • • •

  Later on Mama had calmed down, and it was time to tell Mike about the baby. I didn’t know how he was going to feel, but I was already thinking about things like how my baby was going to look, how it was going to talk, and walk. It was early, but I started getting excited. Mike came to visit me at my daddy’s house. We sat out on his front porch. He wasn’t going to stay long, and had left his car running and Jodeci’s, “Forever My Lady,” was pumping softly from the car speakers. I was building up my nerve to break my news to him. But before I could say anything, he shocked me, opening up about his feelings.

  “I really care about you Nette Pooh, and one day I really want you to have my baby.”

  I guess the song had inspired him. But little did he know, I was really going to have his baby.

  “Well, Mike I actually am pregnant!”

  He gave me a big smile and hugged me, before leaving.

  My aunt, who was upstairs, had her window open, and came outside to tease me as he was pulling off.

  “I heard you and Mike talkin’ ’bout ‘is you gonna have my baby,’ and you said yeah.”

  “I know you probably thinking I’m too young but I’mma have my baby, and I’mma finish school.”

  My aunt raised her eyebrow, and gave me a look of surprise, before backing away into the house. At that moment, I felt complete with the thought that no matter what anybody said, I had made the right decision, and my baby was going to be special.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  GOD BLESS THE CHILD

  “Lez-lee! Hello, I am Dr. Ekunno!” Dr. Ekunno had a heavy African accent. He greeted me with a big smile.

  “Just relax, OK?”

  “OK.” I was nervous, laying back on the exam table with my feet in the stirrups. My head was spinning trying to keep everything you have to do when you’re expecting in order. I had gone from seeing the pediatrician to having an obstetrician.

  “You are great,” he said, helping me to sit up. “Lezley, I want you to eat well, take vitamins, and get sleep!” He sounded more excited than me, and I was the one having a baby.

  When I got home later, I stood in front of the mirror looking, and wondering what new change my body was going to make. I smiled at my reflection, just thinking about the fact that another human being was in there.

  “Lezley? Lezley, wake up!” A classmate had to shake me a few times, because I had fallen asleep again in class.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked groggily.

  “Girl, them girls over there are pointing at your belly.” She was known as the school gossip. I looked across the room, and a cluster of about three girls was definitely sneering, looking at me like I was some kind of disgrace.

  I was too tired to even be offended. I was just at the start of sophomore year, and I had a whole lot of weeks to go before I had this baby. I had just thrown up before class. My eyes were so heavy and I needed sleep. And I was having a hard time with morning sickness. So I wasn’t in a mood to argue with anybody.

  It was close to the end of the day, and I couldn’t wait to get home. I raised my hand and excused myself from class to go to the nurse’s office. I had tried not to make my pregnancy a big deal at school, because the teachers and my principal had been so nice once they found out I was pregnant. In my early months they even adjusted my schedule so that my first period could be spent resting in the nurse’s office. I wasn’t about to let no petty-ass girls upset me.

  I only had a little bump, but word had gotten around that I was pregnant. Being the only pregnant girl at school and black made it an even bigger deal. I didn’t regret my decision, but the more stares I got the more reality set in—I was so young and feeling real uncertain about my future.

  I soldiered through the pregnancy, and by the beginning of my second trimester, it was wintertime and I was sick, throwing up twenty-four hours a day. I was used to my new routine, and Mama had come around.

  “Nette Pooh, you hungry?” She had always cooked, but now she’d even started cooking my favorite meals and foods I was craving.

  “Yeah, Mama!” I was dozing on the couch, but my ears perked up at the mention of food.

  “You gotta keep yo’ strength up with that baby. You know you got that ultrasound tomorrow.”

  Mama slid a steamy plate of baked chicken and potatoes and vegetables in front of me before sitting down across from me, and I went to town on that food. For a moment Mama and me locked eyes, and I knew she was really in my corner. Brittanie sat down next to me at the table, and in between bites, I showed off the samples of baby products that had started to arrive in the mail.

  • • • •

  “Lezley! Hellooooo!” Dr. Ekunno squeezed some warm gel on my belly and pressed the ultrasound wand against my sk
in. “Aha! Look at here!”

  “Look like a big black blob to me,” Mama said, squinting at the screen.

  “Uh, naw, Dr. Ekunno, I don’t know what you talkin’ ’bout. Mama, I can hear a bunch of water crashin’ around, and that don’t look like a baby,” I said, stretching my neck around the doctor to see the computer monitor. All I could make out was a black-and-white blur.

  Dr. Ekunno pointed to a little white dot, then turned the volume up on the computer speaker.

  Whomp whomp whomp whomp whomp.

  “You see and hear? It’s the baby’s heartbeat!” he said.

  “You hear it, Nette Pooh?” Mama was smiling from ear to ear.

  “Yep, Mama! Listen how fast it’s beating!”

  “Very, very healthy, Lezley.” Dr. Ekunno cleaned off my belly and patted me on the shoulder.

  Mama left out the office with him, and I stared at the ceiling for a few extra minutes. My first baby’s heartbeat. I just wished Mike was there, but he was in school.

  I was four months and happy when Mike went with me to get the ultrasound that told us what the baby’s sex was. Dr. Ekunno squeezed the warm gel on my belly and pressed the ultrasound wand against my skin like he had done before.

  “Ahhhh! Ohhhh! Aha!” Dr. Ekunno was so animated.

  Mike and me kept looking at each other.

  “What is it? What is it?” I said, biting my lip.

  “It is a boy!”

  I looked at Mike and gave him a half smile. He smiled back.

  Hearing the baby’s heartbeat was one thing, but seeing that there was a person in my belly, coming from both of us, and that he was not only going to be a father, but he’d have his first son. I’m sure Mike was excited but probably scared. I was.

  • • • •

  “C’mon, Nette Pooh,” Mama said, shaking me awake. “We goin’ fishin’.”

  I grew up going fishing. My granny loved to fish, and so did my mama and all my aunts and uncles, but I wasn’t trying to have Mama wake me up on a Saturday, as sleepy as I was and as big as I was, to go. But Mama helped me get out of bed. The sun was shining and it was a perfect spring day. I was glad I had shed my winter clothes, because my belly needed to breathe, and big T-shirts and stretch pants was about all I was fitting into these days.

  Mama had the radio on, tapping her long fingers on the steering wheel to the music. She had packed up the car with all our fishing gear and even had some sandwiches and chips in a bag. It was early and hardly any cars were on the highway, so we’d be at the lake at the park in no time. I was glad, because I had to pee.

  By the time I waddled out the park bathroom, Mama had our lawn chairs set up.

  “Get you a worm in that box, Nette Pooh.” Mama already had her fishing line in the water.

  Her little boom box was playing classic R&B. I cast my line out, sat down in my chair, and let out a long sigh. Fishing teaches you patience, and that’s what I needed. I had been anxious, but for the first time in this whole pregnancy, I felt relaxed. Putting that worm on the hook, casting that line, and sitting there, sometimes all day, just waiting to catch one fish. It was the one thing I could do where I could think clear and be at peace. We didn’t talk about nothing serious; matter of fact, we didn’t do much talking at all. I jumped when I felt a slight kick from the baby, then rubbed my belly. Mama and me both busted out laughing. Then she turned the music up and we enjoyed the rest of the afternoon.

  • • • •

  Mike and me tried to go to the Lamaze class Dr. Ekunno had set up. There were mostly older couples there, like in they twenties and married. I felt out of place and awkward, being that I was so young. Mike was acting all funny, like he didn’t want to come, but I made him. He kept checking the time. They instructed us to spread our mats out and sit on the floor. He sat behind me. Today, we were going to learn how to push when the baby was ready to come out.

  The exercise was just about to start and I took one breath in and don’t you know, Mike had started snoring.

  “Wake up, boy!” I shouted.

  “Huh? What you mean?” he snapped.

  “C’mon, I’m ready to go. I can’t believe you embarrassed me like this!” I quickly gathered my stuff and rushed out with him running behind me.

  I was looking forward to us having that as something we did together for the baby. But it didn’t really work out.

  • • • •

  My belly was sticking way out, and I was struggling to get down the hallways at school. Ladue had allowed me go to school all the way up to my ninth month if I wanted to. The school even gave me an elevator key so I wouldn’t have to take the steps. We had another month before summer break, but I wasn’t going to make it. By the beginning of May 1996, I couldn’t take the bus ride or sitting in class no more. I was miserable.

  The school made it official that they’d be sending a teacher to my house. I was so happy I wouldn’t fall behind. A woman ran a program for pregnant girls through the school. I swear them white people had so many resources out there, stuff that a pregnant black girl going to public school in the city would never know about. I was excited that she was going to start coming right away; that way I wouldn’t miss homework or my finals.

  I opened the door and a petite Middle Eastern woman was standing there.

  “Good morning! You must be Lezley. I’m Miss Hajid.” She had a friendly smile and immediately extended her hand.

  I was getting that nervous feeling again. I couldn’t believe this woman was coming to me, looking out for my best interest, showing interest, driving all the way to my house. Right away we sat down at the table and got to work.

  For the next couple of weeks I took advantage of the homeschool program. Miss Hajid helped me understand what I needed to do to be a good parent and how to take good care of my baby, but she also kept me from falling behind with my schoolwork. I liked my one-on-one homeschooling way better than going to classes. We had finished our lesson plan for the day, and she was straightening up her papers.

  “Oh, Miss Hajid, you think you could come over here and tutor me even after my baby boy comes?” I asked, winking and pulling out an ultrasound photo, waving it in the air.

  “Wow! That’s amazing.” She threw her arms around me and gave me the best hug she could give me with my big old belly in the way. “Lezley, having a baby is a gift, a blessing,” she said, giving me a comforting look.

  “I definitely know my baby is a gift, Miss Hajid. But I’m sixteen and gonna be somebody’s mama, and I ain’t married, and even though I’m determined to finish high school it’s scary,” I said, looking away.

  “Listen, sure you’re facing some obstacles, but look at you: you are tough and strong, and you aren’t giving up. That’s what makes me so proud of you. And you’re gonna get the diploma!”

  “Yeah, I’m gonna do it?” I asked, feeling hopeful.

  “I have something for you and the baby,” she said, pulling out a portable Sony Walkman CD player.

  “Huh? What do this have to do with my baby?”

  “Just trust me,” she said, handing me the headphones.

  I slipped them over my ears, she pressed play, and “Itsy Bitsy Spider” came on.

  “I ain’t heard that since I was a li’l bitty kid.”

  “It brings back memories, doesn’t it? I want you to put those headphones on your belly and play music to your baby. And here,” she said, handing me a stack of children’s books. “I want you to read to your baby while he’s still in there, and when he gets here.”

  I nodded, taking in every word she said.

  “Lezley, you are going to be a good mom,” she said, giving me a wink before packing up her bag.

  “You think so? ’Cause, I think you can tell, having a baby wasn’t really something I had planned,” I said, looking down at the floor. “I’m a li’l scared, I guess.”

  “No, you didn’t,” she said. “But you can do it. Motherhood isn’t easy for anybody, at any age. The important thing
is that you don’t give up on yourself or your baby.”

  It was her last day; I had taken my finals and was now just focusing on being a mother. As I watched her walk away, her words stuck with me. It was like she had given me hope. Yeah, I was sixteen, about to bring a new life into this world. His daddy was claiming him and all, but when it came down to it, deep down I knew it was going to be me and my baby boy against this world. All eyes were on me, and even if I made some more mistakes, I was determined to be a responsible mother.

  • • • •

  “Ahh, Lezley, so good to see you.” Dr. Ekunno was his usual cheerful self. Me, on the other hand, I was nine months pregnant, miserable, and ready to pop.

  “Just breeeeeathe, Lezley,” he said, putting my feet in the stirrups. I was uncomfortable but tried to focus on a speck of discolored paint that was on the ceiling as I laid on the exam table not sure what he was about to do. Dr. Ekunno slipped his fingers inside me for an exam. “Ahh, ha, ohh-kay,” he said, giving me a wide smile.

  I frowned. Here I was, uncomfortable as hell, and this man was smiling like he just found a hundred dollars.

  “Come here, look.” He turned to my mama with a wrinkled forehead and nodded. “She is goin’ to have this baby too-night. You see, Mother, her mucus plug is about to come out!”

  “Oooh, that’s nasty. I don’t wanna see that,” Mama said, frowning.

  He pulled his fingers out, quickly removing the rubber glove, and gave me that smile again. I was scared, but when I looked over at my mama, she gave me one of those baby-everything’s-going-to-be-fine looks that only a mama can give. It shocked me, because my mama isn’t the warm and fuzzy type. I could tell she was just as excited and nervous for her baby girl and soon-to-be-here grandbaby as I was.

  When we called my granny to tell her what the doctor said, she ordered Mama to bring me over right away. As soon as we walked in the door she made me sit down at the table. “You gonna eat some spaghetti, Nette Pooh, because wit that baby comin’, once you get to that hospital, they ain’t gon’ let you eat.” She put a heaping plate of spaghetti in front of me, and I dug in. Not long after that, at about 9:30 that night, I wasn’t hurting, but I knew something different was going on inside my belly. I was feeling cramps coming on. Sure enough, I was starting labor and ready to go to the hospital.