Tell the Truth & Shame the Devil

by Lezley McSpadden

  Walking in the house and seeing Mike Mike instantly made me forget about the drama at school. I felt guilty too, because I had to leave him and I know he missed me. My focus was on him once I got home.

  One evening, I put my backpack down and started playing with Mike Mike on the floor. “Well, what you gonna do?” Mama snapped, starting in on me.

  “Well, Mama, I’ve decided to go live with Mike and his parents. He’s partially responsible for Mike Mike and maybe his parents could help out more, so I can continue going to school.”

  “You not gonna be over there sleeping with a man!” She angrily snapped back.

  “That wasn’t my intention. I’m trying to help you and help myself at the same time, mama! I’mma I thought I was doing the right thing by making Mike help me with our responsibility.”

  Mama jumped up in my face. I was scared she was gonna give me a whupping, but instead she punched me in my mouth.

  Blam!

  Standing there in disbelief, shaking my head back and forth. I felt my face swelling up.

  “Mama! Why you’d hit me? Why? Why? Everything you just told me to do, I’m doing it, Mama. And I’m still wrong?” I was screaming at the top of my lungs.

  Mama grabbed me and we started tussling. I didn’t want to hit her back; I was trying to keep her off me. I broke free and ran as fast as I could to Granny’s house. I wanted to see if she could talk to Mama. I thought I was giving my mother what she needed.

  I didn’t even think about the fact that it was dark and I was a girl out this late alone.

  By the time I got around to Granny’s, Mama had already called her and as far as they were concerned whatever your mama said, this is what you do. I opened my mouth to explain, but Granny cut me off. “Nette Pooh, don’t you ever raise yo’ hand to yo’ mama!” Granny reeled back and smacked me in the face.

  “Why did you hit me?” I asked, stumbling backward.

  “What the hell goin’ on, Nette Pooh? What you doin’ to Granny?” Bernard demanded.

  “Get out my face, Bernard. Granny just smacked me for no reason!” I shouted. “I’m outta here!”

  “You ain’t goin’ nowhere,” he said, grabbing me, yanking me by the arm.

  I broke free and Bernard pushed me. Then I punched him, and we screamed and yelled and hit each other back and forth.

  “I’m tired, Nette Pooh, just go!”

  I stormed out the door. Snot was coming out my nose, mixed with my sweat and tears. I didn’t see a light on at Nina’s house, but I saw that Mr. Rhodes, Rhonda’s granddaddy, was home. I frantically banged on the door, and when he opened the door his eyes went wide when he saw me trembling and crying. He let me in to use the phone, and within a few minutes, Big Mike was out front to pick me up in his new car, a Buick Regal.

  I stayed at Mr. and Mrs. Brown’s house that night.

  I went back to Mama’s the next day. I had to; she had Mike Mike. I took out of school for a week so that I could think and get a solid plan together, and temporarily went to the Browns’ house to sleep. That time helped me to make a decision and that was to move out of my mama’s house at sixteen.

  • • • •

  “Now, y’all cain’t sleep in the same room,” Mrs. Brown said, going over the rules of the house. Mr. Brown fixed me up a room outside Big Mike’s in the basement. And Mrs. Brown had a plan for Mike Mike while I went to school.

  Mrs. Brown had a friend who could help out with the babysitting during the day. Big Mike drove me to the bus stop in the morning, and Mrs. Brown dropped Mike Mike off at Miss Frazier’s while she went to work.

  A couple weeks went by, and the new system was working. I could do what I needed to at school and my baby was taken care of. One day, I got out of school early and was able to pick Mike Mike up myself. Miss Frazier seemed like a nice lady when she opened the door to let me in. I saw Mike Mike on the floor playing and ran straight to him.

  His face had dried milk and snot on it. I curled up my lip. That morning I had put him in a brand-new Nike outfit with the shoes to match, and the knees of the pants were filthy.

  “Miss Frazier, um, how Mike Mike get all this dirt on him?” I asked, frowning up my forehead.

  “Now, Nette, you know a baby gonna get dirty. He’ll be fine,” she said, smiling.

  I scratched at the dirt and it flaked off. Then I noticed his hands were sticky and dirt was under his nails. I grabbed a baby wipe and started scrubbing him. He was just babbling and cooing, and that made me forget about the dirt. “Hey, Mike Mike! Mommy missed you.” I kissed his cheek and let out a big laugh.

  • • • •

  We were living together as a little family. I was just quietly wishing Mike’d put some effort into what he wanted his future to be. But I couldn’t worry too much about him. I had to take care of my own business at school; I was just starting the second semester of junior year. If I could just get through the next five months, then it would be summer again and I’d be officially a senior. But it was like the harder I tried to make things work at school, the more they didn’t. The gossips were getting to me.

  Wigs were in style, so I started rocking them to school. I had curly ones, straight ones, and ponytails. I’d switch them up, thinking I was cute. One morning I was in the girls’ bathroom before classes, fixing my wig. April ran into the bathroom and said, “Lezley, stuff is jumpin’ off out here and some girls is talkin’ ’bout you!” I knew exactly who she was referring to, and enough was enough. I snatched my wig off with the quickness and stuffed it into my backpack.

  A fight had already popped off across the other side of the student lounge. Looking at the small crowd that had gathered was charging me up. Then it was like a ripple effect.

  Suddenly, I looked over to my left and a boy had a textbook in his hand up in the air. He swung his arm down in full force, smacking my friend Phyllis in the face with the book. Just like a cartoon, a knot the size of a small orange swelled up on her head within seconds. Fire shot through me. April and me gave each other a look, nodding in agreement. That dude’s girlfriend was standing near us. My adrenaline was on wild-out mode, and I took one swing at the girlfriend and April took another. We had jumped her and she was down on the ground.

  People were running and screaming. Somebody rushed Phyllis off to the nurse’s office.

  April and me took off running, headed straight to the nurse’s office to check on Phyllis. We made it there, and Phyllis was inside, but the nurse refused to let us in. April, being as scrappy and fearless as she was, balled up her bare fist and punched it through the window in the door. Shards of glass flew everywhere, and pieces of glass cut her hand and hit the nurse in the face. The nurse unlocked the door. “Do you see what you did to me?” she shouted.

  Suddenly, a male teacher grabbed me.

  “You are in big trouble! I’m taking you to the office and you are suspended!”

  “Man, you ain’t ’bout to do shit! Fuck you!” My chest was heaving, and I jerked away.

  Right then, it was as if everything all around was moving in slow motion. People were running wild like it was Armageddon. Through the chaos, I could hear sirens, and I froze.

  The police rushed in like they were SWAT, something I’d only seen on the news or in the movies. I was terrified when I felt one of the officers yank my arm hard. I looked around, and all of us were tattered, dusty, dirty, bleeding, and black. The police had rounded up every student they could see who had been fighting. We were kids and scared to death, and once a police officer’s warning came over the loudspeaker, nobody was going to be bold enough to make a move.

  There could have been some white kids fighting, but they weren’t with us. I know the white people at Horton Watkins had never seen nothing like this before. It drew the line between blacks and whites. You could see the disgusted expressions from the faculty, and the fear in the faces of the same white girls who I used to laugh with or study for tests with. This was bad. Real bad. The police chained us together, and carte
d all our black asses off to jail.

  The police made us all sit on a long, cold, metal bench at the station. “You’ll sit here until your parents get here,” an officer announced. I bet these white cops hadn’t ever seen this many black faces in one place.

  I was one of the last ones to be picked up. It felt like days, but it was more like several hours. The next morning Mama and me sat across from the principal and vice principal. My head was down. I was ashamed that I had disappointed Mama. All those mornings getting up at 4:00 and 5:00 a.m. so I could get a good education. I felt like I blew it. She just sat there in her Hilton kitchen uniform, with a straight face as they read off the list of what I had done.

  “Lezley, you do realize that you cursed at the shop teacher, don’t you?” The vice principal was talking down to me in his nasally voice.

  I couldn’t quiet my attitude. “Yes,” I said, and pursed my lips and folded my arms across my chest. I felt like I was justified because the teacher had put his hands on me.

  “Well, if you don’t apologize, you are etching your suspension in stone, young lady.” He let out a long sigh, and then looked at the principal.

  “I’m not apologizing.”

  I felt bad about what had happened, and I knew it wasn’t right to curse at the teacher. I was dead wrong, but I was too stubborn and proud and mad about the girls and the fight, but going to jail wasn’t going to get me anywhere. I was digging a deeper hole for myself.

  After a few minutes of silence, they gave me my punishment: three months suspension. I could feel the steam coming off Mama’s body. It was like my insides collapsed, but I was still trying to put up a tough-girl front on the outside.

  • • • •

  I had plenty of time to spend with Mike Mike now. That was the only good thing about being kicked out of school, that and how it gave me some time to smooth things over with Mama. Mike Mike and me were still living at the Browns’, but we had started spending the night at Mama’s more.

  My three month suspension gave me time to really focus on the small things in his development. I’d put Mike Mike on his tummy so he could learn how to crawl. It was amazing to see him go from moving around like a little fish out of water to scooting on the floor on his booty. The school had given me the chance to keep up with my studies, even while I was suspended. I had three months of homework assignments to work on but since I wasn’t turning in the work like a regular student, I didn’t know whether or not I was falling behind.

  The first morning back to school I looked in the bathroom mirror and made myself a promise: “I’m not going back on no dumb shit. I’m going back to graduate.”

  I stepped off the bus and into the school with a new attitude, but it was harder to get in the groove knowing my baby was at home. He was almost one and was developing fast. I felt like I was missing out on important time with him. It was hard to focus in class. Plus, different people who were involved in the fight came back too. The pot was being stirred again. I tried to close my eyes and remember the promise I had made to myself: I’m not going back on no dumb shit. I’m going back to graduate. But it was harder than I thought.

  The school was big, but I would see the girls I had fought with at lunchtime and I tried to ignore and avoid them. But they’d go lie to the office and say I was giving them dirty, threatening looks. It was like they knew I was at my breaking point, and every dirty look wore me down a little more. I felt like no one understood what I was going through, and it was like I was in quicksand and I could see the path out, but I couldn’t move my feet forward. I was ready to give up.

  • • • •

  One day when I was picking up Mike Mike something brown on the back of his shirt caught my eye. When I picked him up, the brown stain smelled. I pulled his pants down and took his diaper off. My breathing got heavy and I shouted, “Who’s really watching my baby?”

  “What’s wrong, Nette?” she asked.

  “What’s wrong is my baby got caked-up doo-doo up his back, which means you ain’t cleanin’ him properly!” I was snatching up his belongings, throwing them in his bag as quick as I could. Mike Mike started to cry.

  “Wait, hold on, Nette. Babies get dirty. Mike Mike fine,” she begged.

  “Naw, he ain’t fine and ain’t gonna be fine over here,” I said, putting him down, pushing past her to get to the rest of his stuff. “It’s OK, Mike Mike. Don’t cry, baby.” I picked him up again and patted his back to calm him down. “Look, he ain’t gonna be comin’ here no more!” I wrapped him up and stormed out.

  I went back to asking Mama to watch Mike Mike after that. I tried even spending the night at her house more so that Mike Mike would be there already when it was time for me to go to school. One morning Mike Mike and me woke up to her shouting at me.

  “I ain’t gonna be able to keep Mike Mike, Nette!”

  “What? You mean today?” I asked, wiping the sleep out my eyes.

  “Yeah, this ain’t gonna work!” Mama shouted again.

  She stormed out the room like I had done something to her. Mike Mike was startled and started to whimper. I tried to rock him back to sleep as I wondered what the hell I was going to do now.

  I stopped going to school for a week to figure it out. I had heard the saying “the third time’s a charm” before, but for me my third time was hopeless. When I went back to school for what would be my final attempt, Mama decided to keep Mike Mike for me. But I couldn’t make it work. I dropped out of school to find a full-time job.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  IT TAKES A VILLAGE

  “Mama come quick! Look at Mike Mike!” I shouted excitedly. Mama rushed into the living room. The two of us practically held our breath watching Mike Mike try to lift up his feet. He’d wobble and we’d scurry to catch him before he fell, but he’d psyche us out and wouldn’t fall. Mama and me were cracking up. I couldn’t believe that he was ten months and counting, growing like a weed. I scooped him up in my arms and nuzzled my nose in his little chubby belly, then kissed his forehead before giving his thigh a playful squeeze.

  Mike Mike and his daddy had the same birthmark, shaped the same way, in the same place. Mrs. Brown told me Mr. Brown did too, said it was the shape of a ham. I just thought it was the cutest thing on Mike Mike. Squeezing him right there, hearing his squeaky, loud, joyful laugh, cheered me up. There isn’t anything like seeing a baby be happy.

  Mike Mike was developing a sense of humor and had turned into a little jokester too. I started seeing him tease and fool us even back at my mama’s house. He’d take the binky out and hide it in a hole behind my mama’s bedroom door. We couldn’t figure out where it was and we’d be looking all over for it, then Mike Mike would suddenly come out of Mama’s room with it in his mouth and fall out laughing.

  I had a lot on my mind, but Mama wasn’t really the communicating type, and I knew she was enjoying us being there. Mike Mike had given her a reason to smile again and she was cheesing hard today. While she played with him, I sat down at her kitchen table and started reflecting on what I wanted to do with my life.

  Hanging out with Mama today was making me miss being in the same house with her and Brittanie. It was cool living over at the Browns’, but there were a lot of things that were starting to bother me about me and Mike’s relationship. Me and Mike wasn’t getting along because I didn’t see him doing anything. He had dropped out of school, but didn’t have a job. I wasn’t working and was anxious about finding a job. I needed to get an income flowing in. We depended on Mike’s parents, and I felt like we weren’t on the same page about trying to better ourselves for our baby.

  • • • •

  Mr. Brown was crazy about some Mike Mike, too, and that boy was stuck to him like glue. Big Mike and me would be in the basement asleep, and Mike Mike’s little footsteps would wake me up. Lately, I’d come upstairs and find Mr. Brown and Mike Mike in the kitchen like two old men hanging out. That is what mornings were like.

  “What y’all doin’ up here? You ne
ed me to help, Mr. Brown?”

  “Naw, Nette, I got this. Me and Mike Mike is just fine,” he’d say in a cheerful tone, busying himself in the kitchen while Mike Mike fed himself out of a big old jar of baby food.

  One morning, I was headed back downstairs and Mrs. Brown stopped me.

  “Nette Pooh, why don’t you go on and go out with Michael today if you want to. Don’t worry, I got the baby,” Mrs. Brown said. She could see that Big Mike was hanging out a lot. He had a car and was gone all the time.

  “Naw, that’s OK, Mrs. Brown.” I rolled my eyes and went back to folding clothes and looking through want ads in the basement.

  • • • •

  Fuck! I stared down at the two pink lines looking back at me. I was taking the pill. Damn, I must’ve messed up somewhere. I let out a long exhale. The last thing I was going to do was have another baby by Mike right now. He was already showing me he wasn’t responsible. And I definitely wasn’t going to tell my mama I was pregnant again. But I could trust Mrs. Brown, after all she was already doing Mike’s part.

  “You sure you wanna do this?” she asked softly.

  “Naw, I’m not sure but I feel like this is what I gotta do. I can’t have another baby right now. But I’m still scared.” I mumbled. I was as sure as my name, but I was scared.

  We stood at the clinic desk. I tapped my foot nervously.

  “Do you have your ID, ma’am?” the nurse asked Mrs. Brown. But, Mrs. Brown wasn’t my guardian and the nurse denied the abortion.

  I paced the floor of my mama’s kitchen. Nina was trying to calm me down. “Girl, it’s gonna be OK. Look, I heard you ain’t even gotta have your mama with you to get it done over in Illinois.”

  My eyes lit up. “You for real?”

  “Yeah, girl, I heard that too. We gonna go with you. It’s gonna be all right.” Nina’s friend Toya said.

  The next day was Valentine’s Day. Nina and Toya drove me to Granite City, Illinois.