by E. M. Abel
I stood there, my eyes fixed on Natalie, as Asia recited her vows. I could see that, just like every woman in the room, she wanted a love like theirs. She wanted someone to love her the way Marcus loved Asia, and I wanted to be that man for her. My palms started to sweat, and my heart was beating faster in my chest as the realization hit me.
I love her.
Deep down, I thought I’d known that I loved her all along, but it wasn’t until that moment that I was willing to admit it to myself. No woman had ever affected me the way Natalie did. For the first time, someone else’s happiness meant more to me than my own.
When Asia finished, I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn’t hear anything the pastor was saying. Asia and Marcus kissed, everyone started cheering, and I snapped out of it. That was also when Natalie’s eyes met mine. She could probably see the conflict in my expression as I watched her, but I tried to hide it with a grin.
Natalie deserved a man who could give her all of him. How can I do that when I have someone else coming into my life who will need me, too? We’d never talked about our futures and whether or not we wanted children. Does she love me? And if she does, will she love me enough to stay?
I could feel the time between us slowly slipping away as I stood there surrounded by the noise in my head.
I saw Natalie get up, smiling at people as they greeted her.
If letting Natalie go is the best thing I can do for her, why is imagining it so fucking hard?
I could feel Shaun’s eyes on me as I smiled and talked with Nick and Hailey. The energy in the room was high with excitement as people got up from their chairs, eager to congratulate Asia and Marcus.
“I can’t believe they did this! How long did you know, Nick?” Hailey asked as she pulled John closer to her side.
“She just called me this morning and asked me to come over. I didn’t know until she was throwing decorations at me and showing me her dress. I guess Asia and Marcus came up with the idea on their trip. She said they wrote their vows on the plane ride home.”
“It’s beautiful,” I said, looking around at all the lit candles.
It wasn’t too fancy or overdone. It was perfect. As my eyes roamed the room, I watched over Nick’s shoulder as Shaun hugged Asia. He was smiling down at her, and he said something to make her laugh. Marcus came to stand behind her, and he wrapped an arm around Asia’s waist. They were a gorgeous couple, and the smiles beaming on their faces said it all. They were happy and in love.
I couldn’t help the pang of jealousy in my gut. I wanted what they had. I’d spent so much time denying it, convincing myself that kind of love didn’t exist. But now, I saw it everywhere—the way John’s arms wrapped around Hailey as she smiled up at him while talking, Luke’s hand holding Nick’s as they spoke to some guests, Samantha smiling at Robert as he watched his daughter on her wedding day. I was surrounded by examples of love, and although none of them knew what the future held, they were all willing to take a chance. For the first time in a while, I felt out of place again and like I didn’t belong. Even though I was standing in the aisle, with people all around me, I felt completely alone.
I heard Asia yell, “Natalie!”
Snapping out of my daze, I looked up to see Asia and Marcus smiling at me. Shaun was standing beside them, watching as I approached. Taking a deep breath, I told myself to get it together as I continued my path toward them.
I plastered on a big smile. “Congrats, you guys! I was so surprised! I had no idea you were doing this.”
Asia smiled and peeked up at Marcus. “That was the plan.”
Her eyes moved to Shaun before coming back to me. “I was starting to stress out about planning this crazy big wedding, and Marcus suggested we just have something small and intimate, so we came up with this,” she said, looking at the room around her.
“It worked out perfectly, if you ask me,” Marcus said before leaning down to kiss Asia’s neck from behind.
I grinned and glanced at Shaun, who was still standing silently beside me.
“It was beautiful.” I looked back at Asia and gave her another enthusiastic smile.
Her eyes moved between Shaun and me, and I knew she could sense something was off. She gave me a sympathetic grin.
“Mr. and Mrs. Avery, please make your way to the center of the dance floor,” someone announced from a DJ stand that had been set up in the dining room.
Asia and Marcus both looked, and a circle had been cleared in the middle of the living room floor. They both smiled as “All of Me” started playing over the speakers, and the smooth sound of John Legend’s voice washed over the room.
Marcus guided Asia to the center of the floor, and everyone watched as they started their first dance together as a married couple. They seemed lost in their own world.
I felt Shaun move beside me, and I turned to look at him as he offered me his hand. My gaze moved to it, and I bit my bottom lip as I gently placed my hand in his. Shaun pulled me in close, and we began to dance. I could feel my heart squeezing in my chest as I rested my cheek against his shoulder.
There were so many things I wished I could say to him. I wondered if he knew how much my life had changed since he became a part of it. For the first time, I had hope, and he was the one who had given it to me.
Shaun and I were in his car, and he was driving me home. He had been unusually quiet most of the night, and I’d tried to give him the distance he seemed to need.
“Well, that was pretty crazy, huh?” I asked, peering over at him as he drove.
“Yeah,” he muttered, giving me a small smile.
I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was losing him. I could sense the conflict in his eyes as he looked at me, and I felt helpless against it.
“So, I was thinking, since I found a new apartment and already made the deposit, maybe we could start restoring my car.”
I was reaching now, hoping to see a spark of excitement or at least have him confirm that we weren’t over.
“I’ll have to talk to my dad about using his garage again. I’ll call you tomorrow and let you know when we can start.”
I nodded, turning my gaze to the window beside me. “Is everything okay?” I asked, turning back to face him, unable to bite my tongue anymore.
“Yeah, Killer. Everything’s fine.”
Asia and Marcus’s wedding had completely fucked with my head. Being surrounded by words like forever and always had made me second-guess everything. I’d like to believe that if Natalie and I both loved each other, we could conquer anything together, just like Marcus and Asia had, but maybe I was being naive.
Women like me break men like you.
Those words Natalie had said to me months ago still echoed in my mind, and as time had gone on, I was beginning to believe them. She was breaking my resolve. She was turning me into someone I didn’t recognize anymore. How long do I have before she breaks my heart, too?
I parked my car in front of Natalie’s apartment building and watched as she unfastened her seat belt and fumbled with her purse. A few things spilled onto the floor, and we both reached down at the same time to retrieve them.
“I’ve got it,” she murmured as she hurriedly shoved her things back in.
As much as I’d tried to act normal, I knew Natalie could sense my apprehension. I moved my hand back to my lap, and Natalie pushed her hair behind her shoulder before placing her purse strap on it.
“So, I guess I’ll talk to you tomorrow?” she asked with her hand on the door.
I could see the hesitation in her eyes, and I knew she could see it in mine, too.
“Yeah, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
Natalie nodded before opening her door and getting out of the car. I watched as she walked away. I wished I could chase after her. I wished I had said something to help her sleep tonight, to let her know that she would be okay, no matter what happened between us.
When she disappeared into the building, I let my head fall back onto the headrest beh
ind me and sighed. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. Hurting Natalie was the last thing I wanted, but I wasn’t sure what would hurt more—leaving her alone or letting her risk her heart on someone like me. I sat there, staring at the roof of my car.
God, just give me a sign. What am I supposed to do?
I didn’t speak to God much—actually, I never did—but this seemed like a good time to try. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath before lifting my head and starting my car.
I drove home in silence as I continued fighting the war in my mind. I thought about my conversation with my dad. I thought about Marcus and Asia, Rob and Alexis, and even Dre and Jasmine. Everyone around me seemed to be settling down and finding love in their own way. Maybe Natalie and I can do the same. Maybe our love can survive despite the odds against us.
By the time I parked my car in its usual spot and cut off the engine, I still wasn’t any closer to making a decision.
I sighed and reached for my door handle when I heard a chiming sound coming from under my passenger seat. Reaching onto the floor, I felt around until Natalie’s phone hit my fingers. I grabbed it and held it up to see it was alerting her of a new text.
I still have your panties. You want them back?
My fingers curled tight around her phone, and I felt my heart beginning to fall in my chest. My eyes moved up to see who had sent the text.
Brad.
I couldn’t find my phone anywhere, so I never heard from Shaun about my car. I figured I would stop by his apartment on my way home from work and ask if he’d seen it. I’d probably dropped it when I was in a rush to leave last night. I had been scared that if I stayed with him too long, I would give him the opportunity to voice all the thoughts he was struggling with.
I could tell he had been questioning things between us. The surprise wedding had probably made him ready to run for the hills. I knew how men’s minds worked. Hell, mine usually worked the same way. The thought of openly giving my heart to anyone scared the shit out of me, but this time, things were different. Seeing Shaun surrounded by candles with romantic music playing in the background had made me daydream about one day standing in front of everyone and promising him forever. When I’d seen the distant look in his eyes as Asia recited her vows, it gave me a sinking feeling in my chest.
If he ran away now, it would crush me. I was already in too deep. I wanted to give him more time to think it over, and I hoped it would be enough to help him see that there was something between us worth saving, that I was worth the risk.
But after an entire day of anxiety and fear, I was done. If Shaun wasn’t going to admit his feelings, I would. I couldn’t keep waiting around for him to decide what he wanted. I loved him, and I was ready for more.
As I left work in my Mustang, my hands were sweating against the steering wheel while I contemplated how to tell Shaun I loved him. My heart felt like it was beating a mile a minute, and I thought I might puke. I was terrified of putting myself out there when I had no idea what he was thinking. This night could be one of the best or worst of my life, and it all depended on his response.
It was two thirty in the morning when I pulled my car into an empty spot next to Shaun’s Jetta. I could see a light on through his bedroom window, and I took a deep breath before getting out of my car and making my way toward his front door.
You can do this, Natalie. Fun and adventurous new life.
Lifting my hand, I knocked lightly on the door, and a few seconds later, I heard some movement before it swung open. Shaun was standing there in a pair of sweatpants hanging low on his hips and nothing else. He smelled like liquor, and his eyes were glazed over. I rubbed my lips together as I struggled over what to do next. I didn’t want to profess my love for him while he was drunk, but I was afraid if I didn’t do it now, I never would. Maybe being drunk will help him be honest with me. Maybe he won’t hold back like he did before.
Shaun didn’t say anything. He didn’t even smile. He just took a step back, opening the door wider for me to walk in. Like always, music was playing on his stereo, but it was louder than usual. An empty bottle of tequila was on his dining room table, and all the lights in the room were off.
When I set my purse down on his couch, I felt Shaun press his body against my back. His arm came around my waist, and he pulled me closer, his hot breath against my ear. My breath quickened when he moved his hand to cup me between my legs. Something wasn’t right though. I could feel it in the way his steady breath blew into my ear, and his hard body was rigid against my back. “Drink You Away” by Justin Timberlake ironically started playing on the stereo, and I tried to turn and face him, but Shaun didn’t let me.
“You want me to fuck you, don’t you?” he asked, his hips starting to move with the beat of the music.
My resolve began melting as his warm body moved closer to mine, his tequila-soaked breath washing over me. I let my head fall back against his chest.
“That’s right. I’ll give you what you want, Natalie,” he murmured against my ear as his hands slid up my sides and cupped my breasts.
“No,” I whispered as my nipples hardened under his touch. “That’s not why I—”
“Yes, it is,” Shaun said, interrupting me.
I lifted my head and turned to look up at him. His eyes were dark and cold, and I instantly felt afraid of what would happen next. I tried moving away from him, but his grip on me tightened.
“What’s wrong, Killer? Isn’t this what you want? Isn’t this what you came here for? We use each other, remember? I use you for these big tits and this ass, and you use me for this,” he growled into my ear as his hand moved down to cup me through my jeans again while he pressed himself against my back.
I started breathing faster, and I could feel tears pricking my eyes as Shaun leaned down and kissed my neck. The pressure around my heart was growing with each second, and I knew it couldn’t take much more. I’d spent so much of my life using my body as a weapon, but now, Shaun was turning that weapon against me. For the first time since we’d been together, Shaun was making me feel cheap.
“Stop,” I said.
He continued fondling me through my clothes, his dick getting harder against my back.
“Stop! What’s wrong with you?” I shouted.
Shaun dropped his arms before taking a step back.
I felt a warm tear rolling down my cheek.
I didn’t want to turn around. I didn’t know why he was drunk or why he was so angry with me, but I knew I had to face him. I could hear Shaun’s heavy breaths coming from behind me, and I could feel the anger rolling off of him. Turning around, I met his eyes, and my chest ached when I saw how empty they were.
“What do you want from me? Fucking tell me what you want!” he shouted, his muscles flexing, as he clenched his fists at his sides.
“I want…” I stopped as sobs rocked my body, and I struggled to take a breath. “I want someone who wants more than just sex from me! I want someone to love me. I want to mean more to you than this!” My shoulders started shaking as I stood there, feeling my heart being torn apart.
Shaun looked up at the ceiling and shook his head as his mouth lifted into a sarcastic grin. His eyes came to mine again, and I wanted to take a step back, but I didn’t. I braced myself, knowing whatever was about to come out of his mouth would hurt. I knew he was about to break me, and I had to try to stop him before it was too late.
“I love you, Shaun.”
His eyes narrowed, and his jaw clenched shut. I felt more tears streaming down my cheeks as I watched him cross his arms over his chest.
“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep pretending to just be your friend when, inside, I’m dying for you to make me more.” My breath hitched as I began crying harder.
Reaching out my hand, I took a step toward Shaun, but he took one back.
And there it was—my heart breaking inside my chest. I sucked in a breath, and my eyes fell to the floor as I struggled to keep my composure. I’d jumpe
d, but instead of catching me, Shaun had stood there and watched me fall.
He reached into his pocket and pulled out my phone. “Maybe you should talk to Brad about it,” he said, holding my phone out to me.
Brad? I took my phone from his hand and looked at it.
“Or maybe Jay will listen. Although, I’m sure when you persuaded him to promote you to VIP, he wasn’t exactly thinking of you as wife material.”
Sucking in a breath, I felt my temper rise, and I slapped Shaun hard against his cheek. His head whipped to the side, a red handprint rising on his skin.
“Get out,” Shaun muttered.
I stood there, panting with my eyes on Shaun, as I tried to pick up the pieces of my heart.
“Get. Out!” he said again louder as his piercing green eyes sliced right through me.
I could feel all my hope crumbling around me as I struggled to hold it together. I’d trusted him with my heart. I’d let him into places no one had ever been, and he still couldn’t give that trust back.
Turning my back to him again, I reached down for my purse on his couch, but I couldn’t leave yet. I was too pissed off. He was using Brad as a scapegoat, an excuse to run away.
Facing Shaun, I took a step toward him. “Why don’t you just admit you’re fucking scared? This isn’t about Brad. This is about you looking for an excuse to end things between us. Do you know how many rumors I’ve heard about you? Do you know how many women hate me just because they’ve seen us out together? But I’ve never once questioned you. I’ve trusted you this entire time, and you can’t even do the same for me.”
I paused, my chest heaving with my heavy breaths, as I looked up at Shaun’s blank stare. “If you’re going to end things between us, at least be man enough to admit the truth. I know you care about me, Shaun.” I stopped hoping he would respond.
He didn’t, and his silence hurt more than anything.
