by E. M. Abel
Straightening my back and wiping my tears away, I pulled my purse strap onto my shoulder. “I want more, and for the first time in my life, I know I deserve it.”
Shaun’s gaze moved to the floor, and I saw a muscle tic in his cheek, but he still didn’t say anything.
So, I left. I started jogging to my car as I tried holding in the tears threatening to take over. I couldn’t let him see how much he’d hurt me.
When I got into my car, I turned the engine on and threw it into reverse. I had to get away. When I pulled onto the main road, I could feel my heart hardening in my chest as it tried to recover. The people I loved the most always left me with the biggest scars. I pushed harder on the gas, trying to accelerate as I pulled onto the highway, when I saw the thermostat on the dashboard pointing to red.
“No, no, no. Please,” I cried, slowly steering the car toward the shoulder of the road as smoke started billowing out of the hood. “Please don’t do this. I need you. Please, don’t give up on me now,” I pleaded as I lost the battle with my emotions.
My shoulders fell as I sat alone on the side of the highway in my broken-down car. How fitting that the last thing I still have hope for chooses this moment to quit on me, too. I wrapped my arms around myself and finally gave in. I’d spent so much of my life being strong and sacrificing my happiness for others that I never allowed myself to dwell on anything. My vision blurred with tears, and two steady streams started coursing down my cheeks when my lungs opened, and a gasp racked my body. I began sobbing uncontrollably as the weight of the world started pressing down around me.
Why can’t I just be happy?
I wasn’t just crying for Shaun, but for all the things in my life I’d dreamed of having and never did. My life felt like a constant battle. I was always fighting to protect myself, to survive, to be happy, and I was so tired of it. I just wanted peace.
I cried in my car for over an hour before finally calling a tow truck to come take us away.
I woke up, feeling like shit. I’d thrown up soon after Natalie left. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d thrown up, but I also couldn’t remember the last time I’d drunk so much. Every time I’d closed my eyes, I saw Natalie standing in my living room, crying, as she told me she loved me.
She didn’t love me. She was in love with my dick, she was in love with my face, or she was in love with the way having my attention made her feel, but she wasn’t in love with me. She couldn’t even keep her legs together long enough to give us a chance. She was just like all the other conniving bitches I’d fucked in the past.
I strained to keep my eyes open against the insistent pounding in my head. I’d spent the entire day yesterday drinking and cursing Natalie. I’d even tried to think of ways to get her back, tip the scale, and give her a taste of her own medicine. I’d fallen hard for her, and just as I’d predicted, things had gone wrong.
I was done.
Marcus and I had already talked to a few potential buyers about my board designs, and it looked like Rip Curl might be seriously interested. It helped that Marcus had a good relationship with their CEO, and I wasn’t going to let my pride get in the way. If I made the kind of money Marcus had talked about, I wouldn’t have to worry about working for a while. I wanted to pack up my shit, put it in storage, and head off on my trip around the world—alone. I just wanted to be free again, but that wasn’t an option for me anymore.
I was so close to finally having what I wanted. I should have been out partying and celebrating, but instead, I was dirty, hungover, and pissed off. I wanted to believe Natalie. I wanted to think she loved me just as much as I loved her, but I couldn’t. It was too dangerous.
Even if she does love me and I was wrong about Brad, what’s the point?
Things between us would end anyway. I was going to be a father, and it was about time I faced reality. My life as I knew it was over, and so were we.
Rubbing my hands through my greasy hair, I decided to take a shower and try to keep moving. I wasn’t going to be one of those sad douche bags sitting around in his apartment and moping all day.
As I stood under the barrage of hot water coming from my shower, I tried to get back to my old self—the man who had put himself first, the man who hadn’t let women dictate his life. I needed him back.
Scrubbing shampoo into my hair, I closed my eyes and pictured Natalie smiling up at me as soap dripped down her naked body. It was hard to believe she had been pretending that whole time. She had seemed so sincere. Even when she hadn’t known I was watching, I could see her layers of protection and control being stripped away.
You need to stop thinking about her. Just fucking forget her.
The entire time I had been with Natalie, I’d thought I had a hold on her. I’d thought I meant more to her than I really did. And maybe she’d thought she meant less to me.
When I got out of the shower, my phone started ringing in my room. I picked it up and saw it was Marcus.
“What’s up?”
“Damn, man. You okay? You sound sick.”
“Just hungover.”
“I just wanted to let you know that it looks like you’ve got a few offers for your boards coming soon. I talked to my lawyer, and he’s going to go over all of them with us next week.”
I nodded. “Yeah, all right.”
“That’s it? You should be fuckin’ stoked, man! This is great news! I had to tell you before Asia and I left.”
“I appreciate it, man, really. I just feel like shit right now, that’s all.”
“Is that Shaun?” I heard Asia ask Marcus in the background.
Marcus asked, “What?” before my sister was on the phone.
“What the fuck is going on, Shaun? Nick just called me. He said he woke up to Natalie crying this morning. What did you do to her?”
I let my head fall back, and I closed my eyes before sighing and muttering, “That’s none of your business.”
“What could she have possibly done? What was so bad that you had to send her home, crying?” she asked, completely ignoring my previous statement.
“Maybe you should ask her.”
“Why? I thought everything was great. At least, that’s the last I heard from Natalie. And then, you were acting all weird at the wedding, and now, this?” she shouted into my ear.
“She fucked around. Jesus Christ.” I paused, pushing my hands through my hair. Why can’t Asia just leave it the fuck alone? “We both admitted we had feelings for each other, and we decided to see what might happen. Then, after the wedding, she got a fucking text from some dude asking if she wanted her fucking panties back.”
“And?”
“What do you mean, and? You don’t tell someone you have fucking feelings for him, and then go spread your legs for some other prick.”
“How do you know it happened after you talked? How do you even know it happened since you’ve known her?”
“Mind your business, Asia.”
Of course, she didn’t listen.
“So, you see a text from some guy on her phone, and you flip the fuck out without letting her explain or anything?”
“I don’t need her to explain. I’m fine. Now, can we just drop it?”
“I know you care about her, Shaun. Everyone knows. You can’t seriously think Natalie would do that, do you?”
“I don’t know what to think anymore,” I muttered before hitting the End button.
Nick had already called five different times to check on me today. I really wished he hadn’t heard me crying in the shower this morning, but I guessed he’d eventually figured it out.
I kept telling myself I had nothing to be upset about. I’d done nothing wrong. In fact, I should be proud of the way I’d handled myself with Shaun and how I’d told him how I felt, no matter how scared I had been to do it. Of course, none of that reasoning helped me feel better. It did nothing to ease the constant ache in my chest.
It was Monday, my day off, and I had nothing to do and no car to take me
away from the miserable fog suffocating me. In the past, I would have found someone to fuck my misery away or at least help me forget, but I knew that would only make things worse. I didn’t want to go back to the woman I had been. She’d always hidden behind her mask of strength and confidence even though she was really alone and scared. I just wasn’t sure I could be this new me without Shaun. I wasn’t sure I could be anything without him, and that was what hurt the most.
Grabbing my new digital camera, I decided to take a walk and see if I could channel my feelings through the lens. It was a hot day in June, and people were out walking and enjoying the beautiful weather. I took pictures of all of them—mothers holding their children’s hands, couples laughing and sharing ice cream, girls giggling as they left stores with bags hanging on their arms. Each one represented something I’d never done and wished I had. My camera gave me a link to the world around me, a world where I always felt so disconnected. All I’d ever wanted was to belong, to be missed when I was gone.
Tuesday morning, I woke up with the overwhelming need to escape. I just wanted to pack my things up and leave. Unfortunately, I couldn’t. My car was going to take a few more days in the shop, and as illogical as it was to pay for its repairs, I still couldn’t find it in my heart to let it go.
I was moving into my new apartment next week. I had a life I was building here, and as painful as it was to know Shaun would no longer be a part of it, I couldn’t let that stop me. I’d known falling for him was a risk, and now, I was paying the price.
I sat in bed, staring at the boxes lining my bedroom walls. I couldn’t give up. I had to focus on the good things in my life. I had to pick up the pieces of my heart and move on. Reaching over to my nightstand, I took a deep breath before getting my phone and checking it for missed messages. Despite everything, I still found myself hoping I would hear from Shaun.
Nothing.
I felt the ache in my chest pulse inside me as I dropped my phone on my bed. I fought against the prick of tears building behind my eyes.
I have to move on.
Swinging my legs over the side of my bed, my breath caught in my throat when I heard my phone chime. Reaching behind me, my palm started to sweat as I turned my phone over. It was a text from Shaun.
Will you meet me at the beach after my lessons? I have something I need to tell you. Please?
I checked my clock. It was noon. That meant I had two hours to decide if I wanted to meet him.
But I already knew the answer. No matter how angry I was, my love for Shaun would always be stronger, and I hated it.
I sat in the back of the cab, staring out at the beach. I saw Shaun sitting on the sand, watching the water. After contemplating leaving a hundred times, I blew out a breath and handed the driver my money. It was going to be hard to face Shaun after professing my love for him. No matter how he’d treated me, he knew he had the upper hand because it held my heart.
I slipped my sandals off my feet before stepping onto the hot sand and making my way toward him with the strong wind blowing my hair behind me. I focused on the cross tattoo on his back as I approached. When I got closer, Shaun turned to look at me, and my steps faltered when I saw his face. He had circles under his eyes, looking like he hadn’t slept for days, and the light green color of his irises was replaced with a dark hazel. I felt my fear quickly slipping into concern.
The corner of Shaun’s mouth lifted in an attempt to smile, and he rubbed his hand over his hair before looking back out at the ocean. “Do I look that bad?”
“No worse than me, I guess,” I muttered as I watched seagulls flying over the horizon.
Shaun’s head turned, and our eyes met for a few tense seconds.
“You always look beautiful,” he responded.
What is going on? This wasn’t the direction I’d expected this conversation to go.
Clearing my throat, I broke my gaze away from Shaun’s and straightened my back. “So, what did you need to tell me?”
“I’m sorry.”
My eyes quickly moved back, and Shaun’s were still on me.
“No matter what happened between you and…that guy…you didn’t deserve to be treated like that. We never made any promises to each other. We never said we’d—”
“I was with him before you and I got together,” I said, cutting Shaun off.
His eyes studied mine for a few seconds. I knew he believed me when his posture relaxed, and he blew out another breath.
Shaun ran his hand through his wet hair as he turned his gaze back to the water. “You were right. I was scared.”
My heart began a frantic tattoo in my chest as his words sank in. I sat down on the sand next to him, resting my hands in my lap. He moved his hand to take one of my mine, and he held on. The meaning behind his touch had me fighting the tears threatening to expose me. We sat there for a while, holding hands, as we watched the endless push and pull of the ocean in front of us.
“I got a girl pregnant,” Shaun said, turning his head to face me.
I sucked in a breath as I felt my heart plummet down into my stomach. His hand tightened around me, and I could see the intensity in his eyes as they searched mine.
“I was with her before you, and I…well, she came to the shop on Thursday and said she was giving it up for adoption.”
I pulled my hand out of his grasp and moved my eyes back to the ocean as I felt more tears coming.
Shaun sighed as he moved his hand away. “I can’t let her do that. I told her that I’d take the baby.”
What?
I turned back to face Shaun, and he met my gaze.
“I’m sorry, Natalie.”
I wasn’t sure what hurt more—that he’d kept this from me or that he’d given me exactly what I wanted and then taken it away before I even had a chance to enjoy it.
I watched Natalie as my words sank in, and I waited to see what she would do. I’d put it all out there, and now, I had to prepare to fight. I had to fight to keep her with me, to convince her not to leave.
“I wish I could take it back. I wish I could change it. But I can’t.”
Natalie sat silently beside me, her eyes drifting off, as she soaked in everything I had said. I could feel her slipping away. Moving until I was kneeling in front of her, I took Natalie’s hands back in mine, hoping she wouldn’t feel them shaking, and I urged her to look at me.
“I love you, Natalie. I know I can’t expect you to stay with me. Shit, I’ve even thought about running away. I don’t know anything about being a father.”
I searched Natalie’s face for clues. I needed to know what she was thinking, but she wasn’t saying anything, and it was killing me. I let my head fall forward as I sighed. I felt her move one of her hands out of my grasp, and I held my breath, waiting for her reaction. That was when her fingers slid through my hair.
Lifting my head, I looked at her and saw tears rimming her eyes.
“You love me?”
“Yes. God, yes. I love you so much that it fucking hurts.”
Natalie bit her bottom lip, and her wet eyes studied mine for what felt like hours.
“My father left my mother before I was born. I never knew him, and every day of my life, I wish I had. What you’re doing…” Natalie paused as her breath hitched, and a tear rolled down her cheek.
I squeezed her hand in mine and waited for her to finish.
“This baby…your baby is lucky to have you as a father.”
“And what about us?”
Natalie looked away as more tears rolled down her cheeks. She took a deep breath and blew it out. “I’m not sure. I love you, Shaun. I do. But this changes things. You’ve got a baby to worry about now. What if things don’t work out between us? What if I grow attached…” Her breath hitched again, and her chin quivered as she tried to finish, “I want a family, Shaun. All I’ve ever wanted was a place where I belonged. What if I fall in love with that baby and things between us don’t work? I don’t know if my heart could take it.”
I sat there on my knees in front of Natalie, and all I could do was stare at her. I couldn’t believe what she was saying or that she was talking to me at all. I had expected her to yell at me, hit me, or leave. I’d known she was different, but I’d had no idea just how different she was from all the other women I’d been with until now. She was in a completely different league, and I wasn’t sure that I deserved her.
“Natalie, I don’t know what will happen, and I can’t promise things won’t go wrong. But I love you, and I want you in my life. You’ve got my heart in your hands, and I plan to leave it there. There’s no point in giving it back. It’ll be useless without you.”
She gave me a small smile before sniffing and wiping her face with her hands.
“The baby isn’t due for another eight months. Just give me eight months to convince you to stay. Please?”
Natalie started rubbing her lips together, and I held my breath as I waited for her answer. She looked down at our hands in her lap, and she nodded. I swore I could feel my heart leaping in my chest.
“Is that a yes?” My eyes widened as I tried to contain my excitement.
A small smile tugged at her lips. “Yes.”
I knew I should have been more upset with Shaun after what he’d told me—especially since he’d chosen to tell me he’d gotten another woman pregnant with his child at the same time as admitting that he loved me. It definitely hadn’t been the best timing. Then again, when would be? I knew all about making mistakes. After all, I’d made quite a few in my life.
Maybe I was being naive and refusing to see the trouble ahead of us, but I wanted to believe that we could make things work. I wanted so much to be a part of Shaun’s life, and I respected his decision to become a single father. That alone had kept me from giving up on him, on us.
We had eight months before Shaun’s life would be turned upside down and before we had to decide if we would want to take that ride together. My biggest concern wasn’t the other woman or the fact that she was carrying Shaun’s baby inside of her. It was whether or not I could be a mother to a child who wasn’t mine. I’d only just fallen in love with Shaun. Knowing a baby was on the way only added pressure to an already overwhelming and scary situation.
