by Unknown
"Absolutely, because when you find it, all that pain its nothing compared to how happy you are," I answer.
More silence followed.
"Thank you," he said at last.
"Are you okay?" I asked.
He replied in a soft voice, "Yeah, I'm fine. Some things I've been going through suddenly make more sense. I think I might be a lot more like my father than I ever knew."
My heart jumped, literally jumped in my chest. I want this! I want him!
"Can I ask you to hang in there a little bit longer, not make any moves, until I get my head on right?" he asked.
"You can count on it," I said back to him.
After we hang up, I lay back on my bed and run my thoughts across the empty ceiling. We were both denying feelings for each other and it wasn't working. The next move was his.
I am in love with him. There was no point in denying it to myself any longer, and I won't deny it to him—as long as he comes for me.
A WAITRESS SAT US at a table for lunch. I looked at Trisha and laughed. "I feel like I'm cheating with you, eating someplace outside of the Grill."
"I know, right," she said, giggling.
It was her day off, and we had agreed to meet for lunch since she already had dinner plans. She looked great out of her uniform, wearing black stretch pants, boots, and a colorful tunic from Style & Co. She sat and fixed her black hair behind her ears.
"I love your natural, dark hair," I told her. "I'd kill you for it if I could take it."
Trisha smiled wide. "Thank you. It's funny because I want yours, it's gorgeous."
I fixed my hair, feeling self-conscious as I thanked her. "I guess you always want what you can't have," I said.
"Speaking of that," Trisha said quickly, "I was so wrong, and I'm very sorry I gave you the impression that I did."
I starred at her confused. "What are you talking about?"
"Justin," she said. "I think you need to take all the advice I gave you at the beginning and throw it out. All that shit about not falling for him, use him and abuse him because he won't have anything else to give you—I was wrong!"
Our waitress interrupted to get our drinks. I was hanging onto the edge of my seat wanting to hear Trisha's reasons for telling me that.
"Talk!" I demanded as soon a she was gone.
She smiled, more than happy to tell me. It had been killing her holding it in this long. Trisha is like a balloon blown right onto the verge of exploding.
"Justin knows you and I have become friends, and since I'm the only one he has access to, he's coming to me for help, or advice, or whatever you want to call it. For the most part, he just likes to know you're okay when he's not around. I have never seen anyone so protective, Charity. When he comes in he's always looking for the guy that attacked you, and I pray he never finds him."
That worries me as much as it excites me.
"Talk about going from zero to sixty," she said.
"What do you mean?" I ask.
Trisha's face tells me it should be obvious. "Charity, for whatever reason, that man has refused to ever love anyone, never let anyone get close, but he has only known you a month and he is completely in love with you."
"He said that?" I said, my voice cracking. I feel short of breath.
"He doesn't have to. It's screaming out of him from every pore. I suspected it last week when there were subtle hints, but it's way past that now. You've changed him, Charity."
There was no stopping the smile taking over my face.
"And that look answers my next question," Trisha said happily.
"And what is that?" I ask.
"If you are okay with him loving you. If you feel the same, which you obviously do." She stomped her feet under the table excitedly, clapping her hands.
"Are you a little happy about this?" I asked while laughing.
"Are you kidding?" she said, "I'm thrilled. It would be horrible if Justin finally came out of his bubble and had his heart broken. I'm sure he would never come out again. But you feel it too, and that's incredible. I'm so happy and jealous at the same time."
The waitress dropped off our drinks.
"He's still struggling with all this, Trisha, there's a long way to go yet, and no way to know for sure where he'll end up. I'm not ready to just fall in, because he's not ready to catch me," I told her.
"There's a difference between not being ready and not knowing how," Trisha replied. "Justin is ready, he just doesn't know how!"
My emotions are busting at the seams and I feel more alive and awake than ever, but just like Justin, I am afraid of putting myself out there and finding out I'm all alone. Those lessons burn deep and leave scars.
Damn this fear!
"When did you see him?" I asked.
"He came into the Grill last night," Trisha answered. "At first I thought he was meeting you, but he came straight for me and started asking questions about you, if I had talked to you, how you are. He was really concerned if you had said anything about him."
I nodded. "That makes sense. We talked the other day, and he opened up to me about some personal things. I’m sure he's looking to see how that sat with me."
"You guys are right there," Trisha explained, stabbing her finger at the point of it, "right on the edge, both afraid to be the first to step off. One of you needs to do it. One of you is going to do it, or so help me God, I will push you both off." Trisha smiled devilishly.
"Cute," I said. "How did he look, how was he?"
Trisha settled back in her chair and took a swig of her drink. "He looked as hot as ever, and a mess at the same time. I think it's hard for anyone that hot to look bad. He was dressed like he didn't give shit, which was hot. His hair was a little wilder than normal, which was hot."
We laughed for a moment.
"All the emotional stuff—that was in his eyes," Trisha said softly. "And in his voice. He's so worried about you that he's a wreck. When he talks about you, he lights up, like sitting next to you in a cab is his reason for living. I watched him trip over words, and he never does that, just to try to describe why he can't see you enough." She started laughing. "I almost gave him a heart attack when I told him how I had warned you not to fall for him, that you should use him the way he was going to use you."
"Oh my God, Trisha! What did he do?" I said frantically, terrified she had screwed this up.
"He panicked, just like you're about to do. That's how I know you both want this. Just relax! When I told him you didn't listen to me, that you were falling for him despite my warnings, holy Christ you should have seen him then."
I smiled, feeling my pulse speed up. My face flushed.
"Yeah," Trisha said, pointing at me. "He looked like that. It was like I had pushed him off a cliff, and then he discovered he knew how to fly."
"It's good to know what he wants," I said, "but there's still the question if he can do it. He's spent years alone, pushing people away. I know I could speed this along by making the first moves, but it's got to be done by him, in his own time, or not at all."
Trisha looks deflated.
"You know I'm right," I said.
"Yeah," she said, "but you suck anyway."
We both laughed, taking a moment to check the menu and order.
"Just so you know," Trisha said, "if my new boyfriend doesn't last, and you mess this up with Justin, I might swoop in for the leftovers."
My laughter was too loud for the small place, but we didn't care. "Thanks for the incentive."
"Hey, motivation is motivation," she said.
"Let's talk about you for a bit," I said. "Tell me about your new boyfriend."
Trisha smiled. It was a cute, wishful smile that brightened her eyes.
"Oh wow," I said, "you like this one. Bring on the details."
"He's great. We've known each other for a few months since I dated his cousin. We became friends, even when it didn't work out with the cousin we stayed friendly. He was dating someone, so it was nothing more than that,
until he found out about his cousin and I, then he broke up with the girl and called me." Trisha made an odd expression. "I felt terrible, even turned him down at first, but I found out the girl was no good and here we are."
"Wait a minute," I snapped. "It's been a couple weeks, and you're just telling me now?"
She laughed at me. "I'm sorry," she said. "I wasn't sure where this thing with you and Justin was going, and I didn't want to rub some new relationship in your face. I didn't even know if it was going to be something to mention."
"Fair enough," I said, letting her off the hook. "So—how is he?" I wiggled my eyebrows.
Trisha laughed. "Normally I could tell you by now, but not this time."
"Really? You haven't?" I said, not shocked, just interested.
"Get this," Trisha said, "he wanted to date a few times first. We knew we got along from being friends first, and he thought we should start there, slowly take the friendship into something more."
"Aw, that's sweet," I said.
"It's been very nice, but it hasn't been easy, not for either of us," she said. "After a great date and some kissing begins, and then touching, trying to hold the flood gates closed is damn near impossible."
I laughed out loud. "I bet it is. So what's his name, what does he look like?" I ask, excited for her.
"Sam, his name is Sam, and he's beautiful. Picture a six foot-four Usher and you'd be pretty close," she said with a sparkle in her eye.
I winked at her. "That is yummy."
"Hey," she snapped jokingly, "you have your own hunk, leave mine alone. Apparently you are able to bring the strongest ones to their knees, so you probably shouldn't even look at my Sam."
"That's not even funny," I said while laughing hysterically.
Our lunch eventually came and we talked all the way through. My thoughts kept returning to Justin and the decisions that had to be made. They would have been easy decisions, but I had complicated things.
Part of me had fallen in love with Justin that first night at the Grill when he saved me. My desire for him, not just sexually, grew quickly, multiplying each time I see or speak to him until it was a yearning beyond my understanding or control.
The problem for me is JP. There is a relationship there, one stronger than I'd had with some people that I had actually met. There was no way to have both, and it was not fair to keep them just in case one of them failed.
I can't believe I've gotten myself into this, like some helpless cliché. This thing with JP was going to have to slow down and end. I want a real chance with Justin.
AFTER MY LUNCH WITH Trisha, I had a lot to think about and no time to do it. Within twenty minutes I found a chat window from JP.
"U will get a delivery in the next 2 minutes. Take it to a stall in the ladies room and open it there," he'd sent.
His last delivery to me was still on my mind, so I won't deny how insanely curious I am right now. I know what I should be doing, turning him down and finding a way to end this, but I was not prepared. I had no words, no excuses, nothing to say that wouldn't hurt him, and I didn't want to do it that way.
I put my fingers on the keys, but nothing came out.
"Trust me," he sent.
The kid from the mail room suddenly appeared in front of my office, wrapping his knuckles lightly on the door frame. He handed me a FedEx envelope and sauntered out to finish his deliveries.
The curiosity was triple with it in my hand. It was small, more so than I expected, and that ate at me. I know what the right thing to do is; I'm just not sure how to get there.
"R u ok?" he asked.
Until just then, I had forgotten about the webcam. The light was on, and he was watching my face. The ice was broken already, whether I was ready to do it or not, and maybe that was the best way. There was no chickening out now, no reason to lie.
"Not exactly," I sent.
"Can I help?" he asked.
"I want 2 thank u for the gift, but I can't accept it," I typed. "I need to slow things down."
He paused.
"I've been around enough to know that slow down means call it off. Did I do something?" he asked.
I shook my head at the camera. "No, u did everything right. I would never have gone as far as we did except that u were so good, and it's killing me now 4 the same reason. U did it right, I did it wrong."
"I'm not following," he sent. "Are u really going 2 give me the "it's not u, it's me" speech?"
"I don't know how to say this without coming off like a dumb ass, so I'll just say it." I took a breath before typing. "I think I'm with some1 now, and doing what we do isn't right to either of u."
"U think ur with some1? I don't get it. Either u r or ur not."
"It's complicated," I sent.
"Isn't it always?" he replies, a definite hint of understandable sarcasm.
I tried to explain, "Something I thought was just going to b a passing thing, something from b4 u, seems 2 b growing into more. And if it does, it should b the only relationship I'm in."
There was nothing for a minute. Just me staring at the window.
Finally he replied again. "So it's not definite, this other thing?"
"Not yet," I answered truthfully. "Are u ok?"
"I'll b ok," he sent. "I get it, better now then when both things are serious. I won't b going anywhere, though, so expect me to b checking in. It doesn't sound like a done deal 2 me, and I'm pretty good at making deals."
I smiled at the camera. "Thank u, JP. What do u want me to do with this?" I asked, holding the package up to the camera. "Where should I send it to?"
"Keep it," he sent. "It can't b returned. Plus, if this other guy screws it up, we can pick up right where we left off."
I laughed hard. That was typical JP.
"I'm going to get going," he sent. "Gotta lick my wounds."
The guilt I felt at that is terrible.
"I'll check in with u soon, c if u came 2 ur senses," he teased.
"WARRIOR, HOW WAS YOUR day?" Justin asked. There was a thick amount of happiness in his voice coming over the phone.
"Not bad. You sound like you had a very good one?" I asked.
He laughed lightly, and it was good to hear.
"Things are just working out," he said. "What are you doing tonight, did you have dinner yet? I really want to see you—I've wasted enough time trying to stay away."
"Not yet. I was just leaving work and deciding what to eat. I'm glad you called, though; I've been missing you all day. Do you have someplace in mind?" I asked.
"I'm still unwrapping myself from the office," he said. "I was thinking we could meet at the Grill?"
"I'll get us a table," I said, now sounding as happy as he does. Justin was right; things were working out for us today.
"Okay, great!" he said.
Then there was a long pause.
"Charity, I'll probably never be good with words when I'm trying to tell you how I feel," he said, "but I wanted you to know that I've never had to fight myself before, not with any other woman, and it's all I've been doing since meeting you. But I don't want to fight myself anymore."
"Then don't," I said as I feel the world spinning under my feet. "I'm ready to see where this goes without that."
His voice was low and soft as he said, "Me too. I'll see your beautiful face soon."
For a full minute I just sat there trying to convince myself that conversation had really happened. I even checked the history on my phone to make sure he actually did call. The man I was not supposed to fall in love with, and had any way, was telling me he felt the same. I am on a new planet, a whole new world, and anything was possible here.
I was signing off and packing my things to leave when Lena stepped into my office looking gorgeous as usual.
"I want to thank you," she said.
I looked at her, puzzled.
"I spoke to Justin earlier," she continued, "he's in the best place right now, more than I've seen him in since we were kids." She tilted her strong fa
ce to the right and smiled softly. "It's because of you."
My emotions are at a high, flushing my skin. "It's not all me," I replied. "You've been working on him—"
"It's all you," Lena interrupted. "I've been working on him for years and I've never gotten anywhere until now. It's because he found you."
Lena, who usually looked like an assassin you could hire to seduce a man and kill him in his bed, sometimes would show a softer, warmer side. Standing here in my office right now, I see her eyes well up with tears.
"So thank you for giving my friend a chance at a life," she said, then quickly turns and leaves my office before I could say anymore.
It was as devastating as it was beautiful. She would never let me, but my heart wanted to run out after her and wrap my arms around her. There was a better way to appreciate her—take care of Justin, show him how to love me.
I tossed my things into my bag and left, taking a taxi straight to the Grill.
TRISHA SMILED AS SOON as she saw me, and motioned for me to sit at my usual table. She came right over to me. "Red Bull and vodka?" she asks.
"Actually, do you know what kind of wine Justin likes? He's meeting me in a bit," I replied. "I'd like to have something for him here."
She smiled brightly. "Shiraz. You want a bottle?"
I nodded and said, "Please."
"I'll be right back," she said through her twinkling eyes as she patted my back. She returned with the bottle a few minutes later, with two glasses, pouring mine for me.
"I'm noticing some extra bounce in your step," I said to her. "Did your date go well last night?"
Trisha looks at me with the satisfaction of a black widow that had mated and eaten its lover. "It was fantastic. He had set up a private, candlelit dinner on the dock behind his boat. Italian food and wine was delivered right to us. I don't even know how he arranged that. Soft music was coming from his boat, and it was all right at sunset. He'd even hired a waiter that tended to us and cleaned everything up as we left for a nighttime ride on the Hudson."
"Holy shit!" I gasped.
"I know, right?" she said proudly. "It was gorgeous. He did such a great job. The first time we made love we were floating on the river under the stars."
