Such a Pretty Face

by Gabrielle Goldsby

  “Let’s recap here. You asked Ryan to move in with you. You ask her to Þ x up a house that you purchased with your lover. You ask her to help you get into shape. And then, after Ryan does a smash-bang job of all of that, you repay her by letting your ex move back into the house.

  About the only thing you didn’t do was have sex with her.” Goody’s eyes grew wide. “You didn’t have sex with her, did you?” He stared at me for a moment. “You had sex with her, didn’t you, bitch?” His Þ nger came up. “We’ll talk about the fact that you didn’t tell me any of this later. But you had sex with her, took her to your family function, and then you let your ex-girlfriend move back in with you? Girl, if I didn’t now you better, I’d think you had grown balls overnight, because that’s truly some fucked-up dip you’re passing out.”

  “What are you talking about? I didn’t do—” I stopped, because on the surface I’d done all those things and more. I am a passer-out of fucked-up dip. “Shit,” I mumbled.

  Goody rolled his eyes and picked up his cocoa. “What are you going to do about it?”

  “I could go see her. Beg her to let me have another chance. Not that we really had a relationship or anything.”

  “Oh, don’t let yourself off the hook that easy. I think you did have one. Right up until you let the skank move back in your house. Did you try calling her?”

  “I’ve left so many messages on her cell it’s embarrassing.”

  “I can’t say I would be particularly eager to talk to you either.”

  “Don’t be like this. I made a mistake. Please, just help me Þ gure out what I should do.” I was shocked to see my own hand as I reached for his half-eaten bran mufÞ n. I paused and drew my hand back and placed it around my water instead.

  “I can’t help you with this one, chica. I’m usually the one in Ryan’s shoes. I do know you need to clean up your mess and I would suggest you do it quick, because a catch like Ryan ain’t going to wait for you like you waited for that skank all these years. Most of us ain’t so desperate.”

  “Thanks a lot. If I had had a friend like you when I was younger I’d have been a hundred pounds heavier.” My heart sank as hurt ß ashed across Goody’s face. “You know I didn’t mean anything by that.”

  He stood up. “I need to get going. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  • 234 •

  SUCH A PRETTY FACE

  I watched Goody walk out of the coffee house. I drained the rest of my water, looked longingly at the mufÞ n, and dropped a few dollars as a tip on the table and left. Life was beginning to feel like two Þ fty-pound weights sitting squarely on my shoulders.

  v

  In the real world, storybook endings are few and far between. I knew that, but I couldn’t understand how things could go so wrong in the span of a few days. Nor could I have known how much my heart would ache every time the phone rang and it wasn’t Ryan.

  Brenda moved back into the room that we used to share, while Pepito and I—he was even less forgiving than I was—slept in Ryan’s room. I was still thinking of it that way—as Ryan’s room.

  Brenda was back, and all I could think of was Ryan. My only relief, the only way I slept, was to work out for an hour every night before I showered and went to bed. But even then, the moment I closed my eyes, I thought about her, about what she was doing and how she was feeling and if she missed me as much as I missed her.

  I was on the bus on my way home when I came up with a new question to torment myself with. What if she Þ nds someone else?

  The invisible dagger that cleaved open my chest stayed with me for the entire bus ride home. Even a four-mile run on the treadmill didn’t help to alleviate the pain.

  Brenda was sitting at the table when I came upstairs from my workout. She pointed to the bottled water sitting at the table across from her. “You got a minute?” she asked.

  “Yeah, can I get a shower Þ rst?”

  “I have a ß ight to Paris in a few hours. Don’t worry about driving me, I’ll park at the airport, and I’d rather this not wait until I get back.”

  I resisted the urge to sigh, sat down, and twisted the top off my bottled water.

  “You’re really getting yourself into great shape. I’m proud of you.”

  I took a drink and stared at her. She had one of those looks on her face that I hated. The “see, I told you and I’m always right” look. She was actually taking credit for the fact that I was working out.

  “Ryan taught me how fun it could be.”

  • 235 •

  GABRIELLE GOLDSBY

  “About Ryan.” I stiffened at her dismissive tone. “She called while you were downstairs.”

  I wanted to scream and ask her why she hadn’t come to get me, but I stayed calm. “What did she say?”

  “Just that she got your messages, but she has been really busy. She said she would call you back when she could.”

  “Oh.” The dagger was back and twisting its way south.

  If I were alone, I’d probably jump up and call her and ask her not to do this, not to separate from me, from us, but I wasn’t alone and Brenda was staring at me, studying my reaction.

  “That what you wanted to tell me?” I asked grufß y.

  “No, I wanted to tell you that I think we should seek counseling when I get back.”

  Now she had my full attention. “For what?”

  “Our relationship.”

  She has got to be kidding.

  “Just hear me out, okay? I know you were with this Ryan character.

  You and she probably had a lot of fun together. But we have much more than that. We have this house. We have a life together. I’m not sure what happened, maybe it was early midlife crisis, I don’t know.” Brenda shrugged. “I do know I still love you. I don’t care what you did while I was gone. I don’t care about anything that’s happened over the last few months. I shouldn’t have left. I shouldn’t have done a lot of things, but I can’t take those things back. I just want you to think about what we still have. I want our life back, Mia. And I think you do too.”

  She stood up. I had to lean my head back to look up at her. She bent down and kissed me. I was so shocked that I froze. Her hand was on my neck for support. Her lips were seeking, questioning. Her tongue probed my mouth, coaxing my tongue to respond. When I didn’t, she pulled away. I could tell by the look on her face that she was confused.

  “I need to get going. Can we Þ nish this conversation when I get home next week?”

  I’m sure I only blinked, but something in the motion must have relieved Brenda because she smiled and patted my check. “Everything’s going to be great.” She squatted on the side of the table until I could only see the top of her head. “Pepito, take care of Mia.”

  Pepito growled at her and she stood up quickly.

  “He’s still pissed at me for leaving. Good Lord, that dog can hold a grudge longer than most humans. See ya later, hon.”

  • 236 •

  SUCH A PRETTY FACE

  She swooped down, gave me another impersonal little kiss, and swept out of the kitchen, leaving me and Pepito staring at each other.

  Pepito broke the trance Þ rst with a little sneeze of disgust. He turned around and walked away. I heard him a few seconds latter as he bunny-hopped up the stairs, probably going to lie in his box-bed to comfort himself with the scent of Ryan’s T-shirt.

  Everything felt so wrong. What the hell was I doing? Why was Brenda kissing me? Why was I letting her think there might be a chance for us? Whether Ryan wanted to be with me or not, there was no chance for Brenda and me. And I had just let her skip out of here believing everything was back to normal. I leapt up and made a mad dash for the door. I threw it open and ran outside just as Brenda slammed her trunk and walked around to the side of her car and sat down in the driver’s seat. Her mouth was pursed in a whistle. She’s whistling, for God’s sake.

  “Brenda, wait,” I called out and jogged up to her car before she could close the door.


  Mr. Gentry stopped raking his lawn and shaded his eyes to watch me though the sky was overcast. Anger kept me from being cold though it couldn’t have been more than forty-Þ ve degrees.

  “What is it, Mia?” Brenda had a slightly annoyed look on her face.

  “I have to get going.”

  “This won’t take long. I just wanted you to know there won’t be any counseling. We’ll talk when you get back, but the conversation will be around how we dissolve our shared assets amicably.”

  The stunned look on her face gave me no pleasure. I bent down and leaned on her car door so that Mr. Gentry wouldn’t hear us. “Have you ever looked at someone and instantly realized that you could spend the rest of your life with them? Did the person who made you think I wasn’t enough for you make your heart leap into your throat when you saw her? When you heard her voice? Did you ache for her at inopportune moments?”

  Brenda laughed. “No, of course not.”

  “Then I feel sorry for you, Brenda.” I was tired and I was sad and I was hurt, but I really did feel sorry for Brenda because she did have the right idea. All of us deserve to feel something special in a relationship.

  She just went about it the wrong way, and she still didn’t know what she was missing. But I did. Maybe I should be feeling sorry for myself.

  “So what are you saying? You aren’t in love with her, are you? I

  • 237 •

  GABRIELLE GOLDSBY

  saw the way that she looked at you, but I thought you were with her to get even with me.”

  “You saw the way she looked at me and you still don’t get it? Why were we even together if you never felt that way about me?”

  “We made a damn good couple,” she said. “You can’t just throw everything we had out the window because you think you’ve found someone else.”

  “I didn’t. You did. And now I’m telling you I want more. I want someone who loves me as much as I love them. Who enjoys my company, who listens when I talk.”

  The sadness had lifted. I was talking to Brenda, but I knew I was the only one listening. She would always assume that this had happened because I believed she’d cheated on me. I was beyond caring if she had.

  “I’ll let you get going.” It wasn’t lost on me that Brenda had been leaving the entire four years we were together. The only difference was me. I wouldn’t be counting the minutes until she returned.

  “I guess there’s no point in me calling you tomorrow, is there?”

  “No, no point at all. Have a safe trip.” I shut the door.

  Brenda put the car in reverse, and rolled her window down. “Did you ever feel those things for me? Did your heart leap into your throat when you saw me? Did you ache for me at inopportune moments?”

  I hesitated.

  “I didn’t think so. You don’t miss what you never had, Mia,” she said and backed out the driveway.

  I watched Brenda’s car round the corner and started back toward the house. Mr. Gentry was still standing with his chin resting on the back of his hands. He had to have seen and heard at least some of what had just happened.

  “I take it you’re gonna be selling soon?” he asked.

  I looked back at the house and after Brenda’s retreating car. “As soon as I possibly can.”

  “Pity, you’re a nice neighbor. Got to say though, I like your blond handyman girlfriend much better than that one.”

  He went back to raking his lawn and I stood there for a moment before the chilly air and Pepito’s shrill barking reminded me that I needed to get inside.

  • 238 •

  SUCH A PRETTY FACE

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  I know it’s not very big, but it’s in a great neighborhood and I can walk to pretty much anywhere. It has this great attic space upstairs that would be perfect for an ofÞ ce, except it gets pretty hot up there so I’ll have to install an air-conditioner of some sort.”

  She’s babbling. She doesn’t babble. Her back was to me and she was struggling with something. I had given up trying to get her to answer her cell phone and had come over to the small house on East Fifty-sixth in the hopes that Ryan would let me in so that I could talk to her. She had let me in, but I had been unable to get her to sit still or be quiet long enough to get a word in. “Ryan, what are you doing?”

  “Trying to get this damn lid off.”

  “Here, let me.” I squatted next to her and took the small metal pry from her hand and worked it around the edge of the paint can. “Are you still angry with me?”

  “No.”

  “Then why are you avoiding me?”

  “I’m not. I left a message that I would be busy.”

  I reached out and brushed her hair away from her moist forehead.

  She went statue still. “You are avoiding me and it hurts. You’ve been avoiding me since Brenda came back. What you saw looked bad, I understand that, but you should have let me explain. If you had stayed, I would have made her tell you nothing was going on between us.”

  She stood up and so did I, but she picked up the can and moved toward the back of the house. I sidestepped a broom, a dust pan, and a box in order to follow her. I could see every muscle in her back and in

  • 239 •

  GABRIELLE GOLDSBY

  her triceps bulging as she walked. “Ryan, would you please stand still long enough for me to talk to you?”

  “I need to Þ nish this tonight. The HVAC contractor isn’t coming in for a couple weeks and it’s supposed to get cold soon.”

  I took a deep breath. “Okay, I guess I’ll have to talk while you work.”

  She didn’t answer me, and if I didn’t already regret coming there before, I was regretting it then. She had stopped in a small room off the main hallway and was studying the walls as if she had never seen them before. If I wanted to talk to her, I would have to talk to her back.

  “I see you’re busy, so I’ll make it quick. I think you’re doing exactly what you said you wouldn’t do.”

  “I’m not running away. I’m just busy.”

  She squatted again and this time my eyes lingered over her back and ass. I took a deep breath, remembering how she felt and how her eyes had pleaded with me to help her that Þ rst time, how when she Þ nally had reached orgasm they had welled up.

  “Is that why you’re here?” She stood up and took an almost angry swipe at one of the corners of the wall. “Because I didn’t call you back?”

  There were so many answers I could have given her, wanted to give her, but I chose the ones that would get me to point B the fastest.

  “I’m here because every time I walk through my own front door, I look for you. I’m here because every time I go to the grocery store I see you turning corners, then I run like hell to catch up only to startle some woman who looks nothing like you. I’m here because I miss having you lying next to me. I’m here because there’s a little dog that hates my guts because he thinks I did something to drive you away. I’m here because I think he’s right.”

  She had stopped painting, her head tilted to the side as she listened. When she Þ nally faced me, her eyes were gauges of pain. It hurt knowing that I was the cause of it. “Where’s Brenda?”

  “She’s in Paris.”

  “Ah, so is that why you’re here? Because you got lonely again?”

  “What a shitty thing to say.” I was so stunned that I couldn’t muster any anger, just shock.

  She stooped and lay the paint brush across the top of the can. “All my life…” She paused, as if thinking about her words, then continued.

  • 240 •

  SUCH A PRETTY FACE

  “All my life I’ve done what’s best for other people. For my mother, for Brady, for anyone that I cared about. I gave and I gave until there was nothing left for me.”

  “I know and I’m—”

  “Let me Þ nish.”

  My face heated at being spoken to so sharply. She was having no problems looking at me now.

  “When I m
oved in with you, I told myself I was just taking advantage of a good opportunity. You needed work done on your house, you had the extra room. You had workout equipment and you weren’t charging me for rent. I Þ gured it was a mutually beneÞ cial situation. I was lying to myself and I knew it from day one.”

  I dropped my eyes to the ß oor and opened my mouth to force air down my throat. Ryan must have misinterpreted the action as me preparing to interrupt, because she said, “Let me Þ nish,” again, but this time, gently, “I should have never been in your house. I should have never slept with you.”

  I turned away from her and started for the door. I will not cry here.

  I will not. I had heard enough. She should have never slept with me?

  Was that all it was for her? I was halfway across the room when she stopped me with an awkward one-armed embrace from behind.

  “Stop it,” I said, but I didn’t move and she didn’t take her arm from around my waist.

  “You’ve had your say, now let me have mine. I was half in love with you before I even moved into your house. By the time we made love, I was doing everything I could to keep you from Þ nding out.”

  Her words were like a shock to my system. I turned around so that I could see her face. “Why wouldn’t you tell me?”

  “What should I have said? That I thought you should leave Brenda to be with me? That you should throw away four years of your life to be with someone who had been leeching off you, who was unemployed until recently and could offer you nothing?” She crossed her arms in front of herself, and I could see the whites of her knuckles as she held herself tightly. “I wanted to,” she said softly. “But then I walked in and saw you two in your bedroom.”

  “I explained that.”

  “Her luggage was in your bedroom.”

  “She sleeps in there. Pepito and I sleep in your room.” I didn’t

  • 241 •

  GABRIELLE GOLDSBY

  realize I was as angry as I was until I heard the sound of my own voice.

  “So you thought you’d help things along by storming off?”

  I was so angry that I could have reached out and shaken her. After I kissed her, after I held her tight against me, after I told her I loved her, I would shake the shit out of her for being so goddamn stubborn.