Hex and the City

by Simon R. Green

  “How is it you always know when I’m coming here?” I asked him, honestly curious.

  He smiled briefly. “All part of the service. And besides, you can’t afford to be surprised, in the Nightside. It can be very bad for business.”

  “This is my secretary, Cathy.”

  “If you say so, John.”

  “No, really; this is my secretary.”

  “You always were a cradle snatcher.”

  “Look, just get us a table for two, before I decide to rumple your nice suit.”

  “Of course, John. There will always be a table here for you, no matter how crowded we get.”

  “Why?” Cathy said immediately, scenting a story, or better yet, gossip. She likes to think her lack of tact is charming, and I don’t have the heart to disillusion her.

  “John once did a favour for me,” said Rick. “A snack had gone missing, under questionable circumstances, and John helped me locate it. As it turned out, the snack was a snark. It had turned into a boojum, and was masquerading as a customer. Every time you think you’ve seen everything the Nightside has to offer, it finds a totally new way to appal you.”

  “What brought you to the Nightside in the first place?” said Cathy.

  He smiled. “I came for the glorious sunsets.”

  “But it’s always night here!”

  “I was misinformed.”

  Cathy looked suspiciously at Rick, then at me, sensing she was missing out on some private joke, but had the good sense to say nothing as Rick led us to the only remaining empty table, on the furthest edge of the clearing. People sitting at the tables we passed kept their heads down and their eyes averted. Rick pulled out Cathy’s chair, while leaving me to fend for myself. Good-looking youth has its privileges. The tablecloth was pristine white, the silverware immaculate, and the salt and pepper pots were practically works of art. The handwritten menu was so big you needed both hands to control it. Rick hovered just long enough to make sure we were comfortable, then decided he was urgently needed elsewhere, and strolled away. Rick didn’t mix with the customers, as a rule. In fact, you could eat at his place for months and never even catch a glimpse of him, and that was the way he liked it. Cathy looked impishly at me over the top of her oversized menu.

  “A table on demand, at Rick’s! I am officially impressed.”

  “Don’t be. I’m still expected to pay the bill before we leave. Rick wasn’t that grateful.”

  There was a coat stand beside every table, a tall mahogany rococo effort, because none of the customers liked the idea of their coats and belongings being out of sight, where they might be tampered with by enemies. Paranoia is a way of life in the Nightside, and for many good reasons. I hung up my trench coat, after surreptitiously removing the sliver of unicorn horn from my lapel. I like to keep my little secrets to myself. It all helps build the reputation. Cathy tossed her beret casually onto the top of the coat stand. I looked at her enviously. I’ve never been able to do things like that. I sat down again opposite her, and we studied our menus solemnly. People at surrounding tables watched me when they thought I wasn’t looking. Some crossed themselves, or made the sign of the evil eye against me. I considered how much fun could be had, just by jumping up suddenly and shouting Boo!, but rose above it. Cathy whistled quietly and looked at me over the top of her menu again.

  “This is a seriously extreme list, John. Where does he get all this stuff?”

  “Rick’s place is unique, even for the Nightside,” I admitted. “As far as I know, he’s the only restaurateur ever to make meals out of creatures that don’t usually exist. I have asked where his supplies come from, but all he’ll ever say is that he has his sources. I understand he employs professional wild game hunters for the rarer specimens; no questions asked, and whatever you do don’t bring them back alive. Apparently the real problem is finding and keeping first-class chefs who can deal with the problems involved in preparing some of the meals. Like being blindfolded when preparing gorgon’s-eye soup. You don’t want someone who’ll go into hysterics when faced with moebius mice, which stuff themselves.”

  A waiter turned up to look down its nose at us. It was a giant penguin, complete with pencil moustache and a supercilious eye. It looked meaningfully at our menus, then recited the day’s specials in a bored monotone.

  “The octopus is off, but we hope to recapture it soon. And don’t ask for the chameleon, because we can’t find it. Today’s special is long pig, because one of yesterday’s customers couldn’t pay his bill.”

  Cathy looked at me. “Is it joking?”

  “I doubt it. Penguins aren’t known for their sense of humour.”

  “Speciesist!” hissed the waiter.

  We made a point of ignoring it. “Where are the kitchens in this place?” said Cathy, looking around the jungle clearing.

  “Only Rick knows,” I said. “And he isn’t talking. I have a horrible feeling that if we ever saw the state of the kitchens, we wouldn’t eat anything that came out of them.”

  “Did you get anything nice for me at the auction?” said Cathy, changing the subject with the artless speed of which only teenagers are capable.

  “I’m afraid not. It wasn’t really that kind of auction. Maybe next time.” And just to show that I could do it, too; “How’s your mother?”

  “Fine,” said Cathy, carefully studying her menu so she wouldn’t have to look at me. “Rich and successful as ever. Offered me a nice little position in her firm, if I ever feel like going home, which I don’t. Actually, the further away we are, the better we get on. We can be quite civil to each other, as long as we’re not in the same time zone. Have you had any luck in tracking down news of your mother?”

  “No.” It was my turn to study the menu. “The few people who might know something refuse even to discuss the matter. It’s hard to find anyone who knew her in person, who’s still alive. There’s Shock-Headed Peter, of course, but he’s insane. My dad didn’t even leave me any photos of her. Apparently he burned a whole lot of stuff when she left…when he found out what she was.”

  “Do you remember anything of what she looked like?”

  “No. Nothing. Not even her voice. I must have been about four when she left, so I ought to remember something of her; but I don’t. I have to wonder if she…did something to me, before she left. Or perhaps my father did, afterwards. There’s no-one I can ask.” We both considered that in silence for a while. “So,” I said finally. “are you still going out with that musician guy, Leo Morn?”

  “Hell no,” said Cathy, with something like a shudder. “That beast? I dumped him ages ago. He thought he was the big I Am, and I should be grateful for his attention, when he bothered to show up. No-one treats me like that. And his band sucked, big-time. Gothic Punk, I ask you! Mind you; he could be a real animal between the sheets…”

  “Far too much information,” I said firmly. “Are you ready to go home yet, Cathy? I mean, back to the real world, and a real life?”

  “No. Why? Do you want to get rid of me?”

  “You know I don’t. But you weren’t born here, you have nothing to tie you to the Nightside. Unlike most of us, you could leave this spiritual cesspool anytime you wanted. You could make a life in the sane part of London, where people aren’t always trying to kill you.”

  “I’m never going back.” Cathy put down her menu so she could meet my gaze squarely. “I love it here. I spent most of my life trying to run away from the sane, normal, boring world where I never fit in. The Nightside is so…alive! There’s always something happening! It’s like a party that never ends—with the best music, the most jumping clubs, and the weirdest people…I feel at home here, John. I was looking for something like the Nightside my whole life. I belong here.” She grinned. “I guess I’m just a night person.”

  I smiled back at her. “It’s just…I worry about you, Cathy.”

  “I worry about you! And I’ve got much better reasons!”

  “Are you ready yet to tell me why w
e’re having this very expensive dinner together?”

  She took a deep breath, let it out slowly, and looked me straight in the eyes, her whole manner very serious. “I want to accompany you on a case. A proper case. As your partner. I keep asking, and you keep putting me off…”

  “Because you’re not ready yet.” I was careful to keep my voice calm and level and very reasonable. “Cathy; you’ve adjusted very well to living in the Nightside, ever since I rescued you from the house that tried to eat you, but you still don’t take the Nightside seriously enough. You haven’t developed the resources you’d need to deal with the kind of hazards you’d encounter on a real case. There are things here that would eat you up, body and soul. You get left alone most of the time because you’re with me. My reputation protects you. But out in the field, the bad guys wouldn’t hesitate to threaten you to get at me, or at the very least distract me.”

  “I can look after myself!” Cathy said indignantly.

  “It’s true, you go clubbing in dives I wouldn’t enter without armed backup, but you don’t have the experience yet to spot when you’re being played, or led on.”

  “I spotted Leo Morn!”

  “Cathy, everyone knows about Leo Morn. I’m talking about the major players, the Powers and Dominations. They do so love to play their little mind games. More importantly, you’ve never had to kill anyone. Working with me, the time would come when you’d have to, to save your life or mine. Do you think you could do that? Honestly?”

  “I don’t know,” said Cathy.

  “Of course you don’t. No-one ever does, until they have to. It’s something that changes you forever. It’s like killing something in yourself, too. I’d spare you that knowledge, for as long as possible. Until then, it’s just too dangerous for you to join me on a case. A real case. Because you can never tell when they’re going to turn dirty.”

  At which point we were interrupted by a whole bunch of lemmings escaping from the unseen kitchens. They’d launched a mass breakout, and came swarming across the floor of the clearing like a furry tide, while diners squealed and shouted and pulled up their feet. The lemmings climbed up onto chairs and tables and even lower tree branches, and threw themselves through the air, in fine old lemming fashion. Cathy and I cheered them on.

  “Look; that one’s got a parachute! That one’s hang-gliding! Go, little fellow, go!”

  It was all over in a few moments. The lemmings scattered into the surrounding jungle, singing high-pitched victory songs (something about Rick only having one ball), and everyone settled down again. No-one emerged from the unseen kitchens in pursuit. Lemmings were always on the menu (very nice, stuffed with locusts’ legs, in a tart lemon sauce) and there were always more on the way. Lemmings breed like there’s no tomorrow, and indeed for a whole lot of them, there isn’t.

  Cathy and I went back to contemplating our menus, watched over by the foot-tapping giant penguin, who’d developed a bit of a twitch in one eye.

  “Don’t touch the dodo steaks,” I advised Cathy. “They’re strictly for the tourists. They taste awful, no matter what kind of sauce they’re trying to disguise them with this week. How about…the roc egg omelette? Feeds four. No? Well, there’s always the jabberwocky giblets. They come with borogroves, but they’re always a bit mimsy…. Chimera of the day? Roast mammoth; always big helpings. Or how about Hydra?”

  “No,” said Cathy. “Greek food doesn’t agree with me.”

  After a certain amount of toing and froing, we finally settled on dragonburgers (flame-grilled, of course), with a nice healthy salad on the side. For dessert, Cheshire Cat ice cream. (Because it vanishes, it’s not fattening.) We’d no sooner given the waiter our order than the food arrived, hot and steaming on a hostess trolley pushed by another giant penguin, wearing a name badge that said HI! MY NAME IS…PISS OFF TOURIST. I’m convinced Rick has a precog in his kitchen. The penguins left us to our meals with a simultaneous dismissive sniff. I palmed my sliver of unicorn’s horn, and surreptitiously tested both my food and Cathy’s.

  No trace of poison, said a snotty voice in my head. But the calories are off the scale, and it’s far too salty. I thought we’d agreed you were going on a diet?

  I put the sliver away. I hate chatty simulacra. Give them a steady job, and they think they’re your mother.

  Cathy and I ate in silence for a while. The dragon meat was delicious. Very smoky taste. Quiet conversation went on around us. It was all very civilised. When the dragonburgers and some of the salad were just a pleasant memory, we sat back and waited contentedly for dessert. It arrived immediately, of course, and the penguin waiter quickly cleared away the dirty plates and slapped the bill on the table. (Service not included. They wouldn’t dare.) When the waiter was gone, I leaned forward to talk confidentially with Cathy.

  “One thing you have always been better at than me, Cathy, and that’s knowing everything about the latest trends. See the gentleman in the navy blue suit and old-school tie, two tables down? What the hell is that all about?”

  The man in question had a hole drilled neatly through his forehead, on through his brain, and out the back of his skull, leaving a narrow tunnel all the way through his head. You could see right down it, though I tried very hard not to.

  Cathy looked, and sniffed loudly. “Ultimate trepanation. The idea was, drilling a hole through your forehead would allow the bony plates of the skull to break apart and expand, allowing the brain room to expand as well, and thus make you more intelligent. This new fad just takes the idea to its logical conclusion. Personally, I would have stuck with the smart drinks. They didn’t work either, but they had to be a lot less painful.”

  “I would have thought deciding not to drill a hole in your head was a pretty good indication of intelligence,” I said, trying not to stare, or wince. “I wonder if the hole plays music when the wind blows through it? Or maybe…you could pull a cord through the hole—mental floss! Helps remove those hard-to-digest ideas!”

  Cathy got the giggles, and almost choked on her dessert. She washed the ice cream down with a large glass of the complimentary house blue. The bottle Rick had provided was already almost empty, without any help from me. Cathy regarded alcohol as just another food group. I’d ordered a Coke. And insisted on the real thing, not one of those diet monstrosities. The waiter got back at me by putting a curly-wurly straw in it, the bastard.

  And then all the conversation in the clearing stopped abruptly, and all the animal noises from the jungle died away. It was like the world was holding its breath. There was a soft gentle sound, like wind chimes caressed by a breeze, and Lady Luck came striding out of the jungle and into the clearing. She was slender and elegant, her every movement almost painfully graceful, wearing a long, shimmering, silver evening gown that matched her eyes. She had delicate Oriental features, with long, flat black hair, and a small mouth with very red lips. She looked right at me, and her mouth stretched suddenly into a smile to die for. She came out of the jungle darkness like a dream walking and headed right for my table. As she left the trees behind, the branches burst spontaneously into flower, or withered and cracked apart. Sometimes both. As she walked between the tables all the cutlery turned to solid gold. A blind man could suddenly see, and another man slumped forward, dead of a heart attack. And suddenly everyone in Rick’s Café had an apple in their hand.

  Everyone smiled at Lady Luck and reached out to touch her, but she avoided them. Some looked away. Some brandished magical charms at her. She ignored it all with aristocratic calm. People craned their heads, trying to work out whom she’d come to see. Lady Luck only ever appeared in person to the very fortunate, or the soon to be damned. Often called on, but rarely made welcome when she deigned to show up. And then she stopped at my table, and everyone else started breathing easily again.

  Lady Luck sat down opposite me without waiting to be asked, on a chair that appeared out of nowhere just in time. She smiled once at Cathy, who grinned back foolishly, dazzled, then Lady Luck gave me
her full attention. By now I was almost supernaturally alert, checking for any sudden changes in myself or Cathy, or our immediate surroundings, but it seemed Lady Luck had grown tired of showing off. I didn’t relax. The most beautiful ones are always the most dangerous. I knew my fair share of magics and tricks, including a few I wasn’t supposed to know even existed, but I had nothing that could hope to stand off a Being as powerful as Lady Luck. So, when in doubt, bluff. I gave her my best confident smile, met her silver gaze calmly, and hoped like hell I could talk my way out of this. It didn’t help when Cathy suddenly threw off the glamour that had dazzled her and looked like she was about to dive under the table or try and hide in my pockets. She knew a real threat when she saw one. Attracting the attention of the gods is rarely a good idea.

  I gave Cathy a reassuring look and concentrated on Lady Luck.

  “I didn’t call you,” I said carefully, just to get the ball rolling.

  “No,” she said, in a soft, thrilling voice. It felt like being scratched where you itched. By a very sharp claw. “I came to you, John Taylor. I wish to hire your services, to represent me in a delicate matter. I want you to investigate for me the true nature and origins of the Nightside. I want you to discover how and where it all began, and, most especially, why and for what purpose.”

  I swear I just sat there for a few moments with my mouth open, utterly taken aback. I had always hoped that someday somebody would back me on what could be the greatest case of my career, but I hadn’t expected it just to come out of nowhere like this. There had to be a catch. There was always a catch. Like, for example, why did a Power and Domination like Lady Luck need help from a mere mortal like me? I said as much, only much more politely, and Lady Luck hit me with her dazzling smile again. Her canines gleamed gold. It was like drowning in sunshine.