‘Or have you already given copies to the local newspapers?’
‘I am my mother’s daughter, Mr Sears.’ She lifted her chin. ‘Did my mother ever once threaten you with those?’
She nodded towards the letters. He didn’t say anything.
‘I haven’t made copies, I haven’t photographed them and I haven’t shown them to any gossip columnists.’
She watched the way his lips twisted in disbelief and swore she would never let love tear her up, screw up her thinking, twist her, like it had in the past. Like it was doing now to Mr Sears.
‘Once upon a time you loved my mother a great deal. She kept your letters, which tells me she must’ve loved you too. Now that she’s dead they belong to you, not to anybody else.’ She took a step back from the counter. ‘I did not come back to Clara Falls to make my mother ashamed of me, Mr Sears.’
She turned around and walked away, knowing he didn’t believe her. For the next month…three months…perhaps for the rest of his life, Gordon Sears would pick up the local paper with the taste of fear in his mouth. He’d watch for thinly disguised snickers and people falling silent whenever he walked into a room.
Until he let go of his fear, he would find no peace.
Until she let go of her fear, neither would she.
Her feet slowed to a halt outside the bookshop’s brightly lit window with its colourful display of hardbacks, the posters advertising tomorrow’s book fair.
Her fear.
It wasn’t the fear of the bookshop failing—though, with all her heart, she needed to make that dream a reality for her mother. No, it was the fear that a true, passionate love—like the love she and Connor had once shared—would go wrong and once again she’d become bitter and destructive, hurting, even destroying, the people she most loved.
She rested her head against the cold glass. Once she’d reconciled herself to the fact that love was closed to her—love, marriage…and children. Once she’d managed that, then perhaps she’d find peace.
Jaz was awake long before she heard the tapping on the front door of her flat at seven-thirty the next morning.
At six o’clock, and over her first cup of coffee, she’d pored over the day’s programme. Even though she’d memorised it earlier in the week. Then she’d started chopping onions and buttering bread rolls for the sausage sizzle. She was counting on the smell of frying onions to swell the crowd at the book fair by at least twenty per cent. Who could resist the smell of frying onions?
And who could be tapping so discreetly on her front door, as if they were worried about disturbing her, this early in the morning?
Unless the barbecue and hotplate had arrived already.
She wondered if Connor would show up and man the sausage sizzle as he’d promised.
Of course he would. Connor always kept his promises.
She tried to push all thoughts of him out of her head as she rushed to answer the door.
‘Melly!’
Melly stood there, hopping from one foot to the other as if her small frame could hardly contain her excitement. ‘Did I wake you up?’
‘No, I’ve been up for ages and ages.’
Jaz ushered her into the flat, patted a stool at the breakfast bar and poured her a glass of orange juice. ‘What are you doing here?’
Melly clutched a crisp white envelope in one hand and she held it out to Jaz now. ‘I had to show you this.’ She grinned. She bounced in her seat.
Jaz took the envelope and read the enclosed card, and had a feeling that her grin had grown as wide as Melly’s. ‘This is an invitation to Yvonne Walker’s slumber party tonight!’
Melly nodded so vigorously she almost fell off her stool. Jaz swooped down and hugged her. ‘Sweetheart, I’m so happy for you.’
‘I knew you would be. I wanted to come over yesterday to tell you, but Daddy said you were busy.’
Did he? ‘I…er…see.’
Melly bit her lip. ‘Are you busy now?’
‘Not too busy for you,’ she returned promptly.
Melly’s autumn-brown eyes grew so wide with wonder Jaz found herself blinking madly.
‘Then…then can you do my hair up in a ponytail bun this afternoon? I…I want to look pretty.’
‘Absolutely, and you’ll knock their socks off,’ Jaz promised. But…
‘Daddy knows you’re here now, though, doesn’t he?’
Melly shook her head. ‘He was sleeping and I didn’t want to wake him up. He was awake most of last night.’
Jaz wondered why. Then she stiffened. Good Lord! If Connor woke and found Melly gone…
Melly bit her lip again. ‘Are you cross with me?’
‘No, of course not, Melly, it’s just…How would you feel if you woke up and couldn’t find Daddy anywhere in the house?’
‘I’d be scared.’
‘How do you think Daddy will feel if he wakes up and he can’t find you?’
Melly’s eyes went wide again. ‘Will he be scared too?’
Jaz nodded gravely. ‘He’ll be very, very worried.’
Melly leapt down from her stool. ‘Maybe he’s not awake yet and if I run home really, really fast…’
Jaz prayed Connor hadn’t woken yet. She grabbed her car keys. ‘It’ll be quicker if I drive you.’
She cast a glance around at all the preparations she’d started, then shook her head. It’d only take a minute or two to see Melly home safe. She had plenty of time before the book fair kicked off at ten.
She gulped. Lord, if Connor woke and couldn’t find Melly…
‘Hurry, Jaz! I don’t want to worry Daddy.’
Jaz stopped trying to moderate her pace. She grabbed Melly’s hand and raced for the door. She released Melly to lock the door behind them and, when she turned back, Melly had already started down the stairs. Jaz had almost caught up with her when a voice boomed out, ‘Melanie Linda Reed, you are in so much trouble!’
Connor! He’d woken up.
At the sound of his voice Melly swung around and Jaz could see the child’s foot start to fly out from beneath her. It would send her hurtling head first down the rest of the stairs. Jaz lunged forward to grab the back of Melly’s jumper, pulling the child in close to her chest. She tried to regain her balance but couldn’t quite manage it and her left arm and side crashed into the railing, taking the brunt of the impact.
She gritted her teeth at the sound of her shirt sleeve tearing. Exhaled sharply as pain ripped her arm from elbow to shoulder. Struggled to her feet again.
Connor was there in seconds, lifting Melly from her arms and checking the child for injury.
‘Is she okay?’ Jaz managed.
He nodded.
‘We were trying to get home really fast,’ Melly said with a sob. ‘Jaz said you’d be really, really worried if you woke up and couldn’t find me. I’m sorry, Daddy.’
Jaz wanted to tell him to go easy on Melly, but her arm was on fire and it took all her strength to stay upright.
‘We’ll talk about it later, Mel, but you have to promise me you’ll never do that again.’
‘I promise.’
‘Good. Now I want to make sure Jaz didn’t hurt herself.’
Jaz gave up trying to stay upright and sat.
Connor set Melly back down and they turned to her as one.
As one, their eyes widened.
Jaz tried to smile. ‘I think I scratched my arm.’ She couldn’t look at it. She could do other people’s blood, but her own made her feel a bit wobbly.
And she knew there was blood. She could feel it.
‘You’re bleeding, Jaz.’ Melly’s eyes filled with tears. ‘Lots!’
It didn’t mean she wanted it confirmed.
‘What was it, Connor? A rusty nail?’
He glanced at the railing above, narrowed his eyes, then nodded.
‘Brilliant! So now I’ll have to go and get a tetanus shot.’ It was the day of the book fair. She didn’t have time for tetanus shots. Oh, Mum, I’m sorry.
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Connor kicked the railing. ‘I’m going to replace this whole damn structure! It’s a safety hazard.’ Then he took her arm in gentle fingers and surveyed it.
Melly sat down beside Jaz and stroked her right hand. ‘You saved my life,’ she whispered in awe.
That made Jaz smile. She squeezed the child’s hand gently. ‘No, I didn’t, sweetheart. I saved you from a nasty tumble, that’s all.’
‘I’m sorry, Jaz, but I think you’re going to need more than a tetanus shot.’
She gulped. ‘Stitches?’
He nodded.
‘But…but I don’t have time for all this today.’ The book fair! ‘Can’t we put it off till tomorrow? Please?’
‘It’ll take no time at all,’ he soothed as if to a frightened child. He brushed her hair back from her face. ‘Mel and I will take you to the hospital in Katoomba and they’ll have you fixed up within two shakes of a lamb’s tail, I promise.’
He looked so strong and male. Jaz wanted to snuggle against his chest and stay there.
‘Daddy is a really good hand holder, Jaz. You will hold Jaz’s hand, won’t you, Daddy?’
‘I will,’ he promised.
It reminded Jaz that she should at least look brave for Melly’s sake. ‘No time at all, you say?’
‘That’s right.’ He slipped an arm around her waist. ‘Come on, I’ll help you to the car.’
She had no choice but to submit. Oh, Mum, I’m sorry.
They were at the hospital for four hours.
Four hours!
Connor wanted to roar at the staff, he wanted to tear his hair out…he wanted to take away Jaz’s pain.
He paced. He called his father to come and collect Melly. He rang Mrs Lavender to tell her what had happened. He held Jaz’s hand.
Until they took her away and wouldn’t let him go with her.
He replayed over and over in his mind that moment when Jaz had thrown herself forward to save Mel from harm. He’d been a bloody fool to roar at Mel like that, but he’d been so darn relieved to find her…
Over and over he relived his fear of that moment when he’d thought both Mel and Jaz would fall headlong down those stairs together.
One certainty crystallised in his mind with a clarity that made his hands clench. From now on, he wanted to keep Jaz from all harm. For ever.
It wasn’t too late for them. It couldn’t be!
Finally Jaz reappeared. She had some colour in her cheeks again and a bandage around her upper arm. She smiled at him as if she sensed his worry and wanted to allay it. ‘Right as rain again, see.’ She held up a piece of paper. ‘I just need to get this prescription filled and then we can go.’
The nurse accompanying Jaz folded her arms. ‘And what else did the doctor say, Ms Harper?’
‘I’ll have something to eat when I get home, I promise.’
‘You’ll do no such thing.’ The nurse transferred her glare to Connor. ‘You will take her down to the cafeteria and you won’t let her leave until she’s had a sandwich and an orange juice, you hear?’
‘Yes, ma’am.’
‘But the book fair—’
‘No arguments,’ he told Jaz. They’d follow the doctor’s orders. ‘You’ve been here four hours; another twenty or so minutes won’t make any difference.’
She glared at him. ‘You said two shakes of a lamb’s tail.’ She snorted. He couldn’t really blame her. When her shoulders slumped he wanted to gather her in close and hold her.
He didn’t. He took her for a sandwich and an orange juice.
They sat outside at a table in the sun because Jaz said she’d had enough of being cooped up indoors. He pulled his sweater over his head and settled it around her shoulders. A bolt of warmth shot through him when she pulled the sweater around her more securely and huddled down into its warmth. He found himself fighting the urge to warm her up in a far more primitive manner.
‘How are you feeling?’ he asked when she’d finished her sandwich.
‘Actually, as good as new.’
He raised a sceptical eyebrow.
‘It’s true! I mean, the arm is a bit sore, but other than that…I’m relieved, if the truth be told.’
‘Relieved!’
‘From the looks on your and Melly’s faces, I thought at the very least I was going to need twenty stitches.’
‘How many did you get?’
‘Three.’
‘Three! I thought—’
‘You thought I was going to lose my arm.’
He threw his head back and laughed with sheer relief. ‘You really are feeling all right?’
‘I am.’
‘Good. Then I can do this.’
He leaned over and kissed her, savoured all of her sweet goodness with a slowness designed to give as much pleasure as it received. When her lips trembled beneath his, it tested all of his powers of control.
He drew back and touched a finger to her cheek, smiled at the way her breath hitched in her throat. ‘I love you, Jaz.’
The words slid out of him as natural as breathing. Then he bent his head and touched his lips to hers again.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
‘WHAT on earth…?’
Jaz pushed against him so violently she’d have fallen off her seat if he hadn’t grabbed her around the waist to hold her steady.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ She leapt right out of his arms and stood trembling, facing him.
He’d have laughed out loud at her words if the expression on her face hadn’t sliced him to the marrow. ‘I thought that was kind of obvious.’ He tried to grin that grin—the one that she’d told him eight years ago could make her knees weak. The grin that kicked up one corner of his mouth and said he couldn’t think of anything better on this earth than making love with her.
The grin wasn’t a lie. He couldn’t think of anything he’d rather do.
She stared at his mouth and took a step back, gripped her hands together. ‘This can’t happen!’
He rose too, planted his feet. He wanted to fill her field of vision the way she filled his. ‘Why not?’
‘What do you mean, why not? You…I…’ She snapped her mouth shut, dragged in a breath and glared. ‘You know why not.’
Her voice trembled. It made him want to smile, to haul her into his arms…to cry.
‘Nope, can’t say I do.’ He shook his head. ‘I loved the girl you were eight years ago, and I love the woman you are now even more. I don’t get why we can’t be together.’
Her eyes grew wide and round. For a brief moment her whole body swayed towards him and a fierce joy gripped him. He’d win her round yet. ‘There’s nothing to stop us from being together, Jaz. Nothing at all.’ He’d prove it to her. He took a step towards her, reached out his hands…
Jaz snapped back, away from him. ‘I already told you. It’s too late!’
Frustration balled through him. And fear. He couldn’t lose her a second time. He couldn’t.
‘When are you going to stop running?’
‘Running?’ She snorted. ‘I’m not running. I came back to Clara Falls, didn’t I? And I’m not leaving until my mother’s bookshop is back on its feet. Doesn’t seem to me that there’s much running away involved in any of that.’
At the mention of the bookshop, though, a spasm of pain contracted her nostrils, twisted her mouth. The bookshop. He thought back to the darn loan with its outrageous interest rate that she’d lumbered herself with. He’d have given her the money if she’d let him. He’d have offered to lend it to her, but he’d known she’d have refused that too.
Something told him she would not survive the closure of the bookshop. Financially, she couldn’t afford it. Emotionally…a cold chill raised the hairs on the back of his neck.
‘Why is the bookshop so important, Jaz?’
Her eyes darkened. Not for the first time, he noticed the circles beneath them. ‘Making it a success…it’s the only thing left that I can do for my mother.’
It all clicked into place then. He should’ve realised it right from the start. Her return to Clara Falls; it wasn’t about pride or revenge. It wasn’t about showing the town she was better than they’d ever given her credit for. It was about love. This woman standing in front of him had only ever been about love.
And yet she held herself responsible for her mother’s death.
She’d healed all the dark places inside him. He wanted to heal the dark places inside her too. ‘When are you going to stop punishing yourself and let yourself be happy?’
‘I can’t,’ she whispered.
The pain in her voice tore at him. ‘Why not?’ He kept his voice low, but something in her eyes frightened him. He wanted to reach for her but he knew that would only make her retreat further. He clenched his hands and forced them to remain by his sides.
‘When you thought I’d cheated on you, it broke my heart, Connor.’
A weight pressed down on his chest, thinning his soul. He deserved her resentment. He sure as hell didn’t deserve her forgiveness. And yet he’d thought…‘I’ve tried to apologise, Jaz. I’m sorrier for that mistake than I can find the words for. If I could turn time back…’
‘I know, and it’s not what I mean. We both made mistakes we’re sorry for. It’s…’ She broke off to pull his sweater more tightly around her body as if she were cold and couldn’t get warm, no matter how hard she tried. ‘I became a different person afterwards, that’s what I’m trying to tell you. I became bitter and hard, destructive.’
She met his eyes, her own bleak but determined. Bile filled his mouth, his soul.
‘I’m not saying I blame you for that because I don’t. It wasn’t your fault. It was mine. I turned into the kind of person who refused to come back to Clara Falls even though my mother begged me to, even when I knew how much it would mean to her. Can you believe that?’
She gave a harsh laugh. He closed his eyes.
‘I may as well have handed my mother that bottle of sleeping pills with my own hands.’
His eyes snapped open. ‘You can’t believe that!’
Her hands shook. ‘But I do.’
‘You can’t hold yourself responsible for another person’s actions like that, Jaz.’
Bachelor Dad on Her Doorstep Page 16
