Fragile Blessings

by Susan M. Baganz

  “Babies die all the time. Sometimes before they are born, more often after. It’s a sad part of life.”

  “I understand that, but I felt like I wasn’t doing all God wanted me to do here. I wasn’t reaching out enough to my neighbors, to share with them about Jesus. So many of them are lost in meaningless religion. Was I too quiet about my faith? Did I fail to serve those outside my church? I feared God was telling me I had failed.”

  Garrett put a hand on Grant’s shoulder. “If anyone has failed God, brother, it’s been me. I go days without seeking His counsel. I give lip service to my faith, and I know I don’t love Belinda as well as I should, and sometimes, I don’t even want to try. I want to be more like you, Grant. I may not know the Lord as well as you. I may not hear His voice. But I do know something. He has a greater plan. Your son is in the hands of our Savior. Free from a sinful world. Your loss provided a loving home for three children who had never known love before and would have died. If they had survived, they would have become pawns for cash to be exchanged and left destitute in the long run. Three little people get the blessing of being raised by the godliest people I know. You may lack wealth and riches, a fancy house, and fine clothes like the rest of us. But sometimes, brother, I think you are the wealthiest of us all.”

  Grant whispered, “Thank you.” He set down his coffee cup, rose, and stretched. “I think I need to go take a walk.”

  “Mind if I come with you?”

  “I appreciate the offer, but I need to spend a bit of time alone with God. In the meantime, why don’t you scrounge up something for dinner? We’ll hit the sack early and leave before the sunrise. I’m eager to see Lily.”

  Garrett smiled. “Go for your walk, and I’ll show you that this city boy is not without some culinary skills.”

  Grant left the house and strode purposefully across the furrowed field to where the treeline began that marked the rocky terrain of the bluff that had first drawn him to the area. He entered the trees and began to climb the rocks that emerged between the trees and the dirt. Little snow made it to the ground here with many pine trees blocking the path to the ground. It was dark and silent. Grant continued to climb. Vapor materialized in front of him in the cold winter air. Reaching the top of the hill, he found his favorite spot for thinking and sat down. There were fewer trees and it was exposed, so he had a view of his farm and the surrounding countryside. His heart pounded from the exertion of the climb. A red-tailed hawk swooped down to catch his prey. He spied a bobcat prowling further below as well. A few birds could be heard, but mostly, it was the peace and quiet that drew him here and the grandeur of the sight before him. Even with barren fields covered in snow and farmhouses whose life was evident only from the smoke coming from the chimneys, he knew with certainty in his spirit that this was where God wanted him to be.

  He lifted his head to the sky and began a silent prayer of thanks to God for today’s deliverance. He smiled at his brother’s assistance. Had they been wrong to let a technicality help end the matter? But if the kids had never been truly recognized by Butch O’Neill, then the claim was tenuous anyway. Grant shook his head. The matter was settled when they adopted the children. There was no more debating on what was fair or right. They were his. Grant smiled, and the tears came again, over what they had lost and all they had gained. He has so much to be thankful to God for.

  When his toes were numb, he decided that he had been outside long enough. His cheeks burned from the air, and Lily would be chiding him for not using the lotion she specifically made for him to keep the chapping on his cheeks, lips and nose to a minimum. He grinned. He liked her fussing over him. He rose and brushed the dirt off his pants, wiggled his fingers and began his descent. Tomorrow, he would be with his family again. His little quiver-full of children and his beautiful bride. In a week or so, they would be returning home, and in his heart, he was deeply content. Yes. God had been good.

  * * *

  Lily grew lonely with Grant gone. She forced herself to mingle with the family. With three sisters and two brothers, Grant grew up in a lively home. She found herself smiling often at the family interactions and the love that lay underneath the teasing. Grant’s sisters, Grace, Mercy, and Hope, all delighted in telling tales of their older brother’s exploits as a young man. She could tell their admiration of him as well as they also shared stories of how he would help them, protect them and teach them about God. It seemed he had been a bit of a pastor even as a youngster.

  Mrs. Anderson doted on the children, and they were quickly absorbed into the passel of grandchildren running around. Colleen was learning more about ways to do her hair and tricks for teasing her brother, and Simon was coming out of his shell. She had never heard him giggle so much.

  At night, the children would gather with Lily in their room, and she would pray with them. Grant usually did this, but in his absence, she led the time together.

  Tonight, Colleen started. “God, please bless Papa and bring him back to us. We miss him. Keep him safe. Thank you for all our new family and for loving us so much you would give us our Ma and Pa. We really do love our new life and getting to learn about you. Bless Mama and Simon, even though he did play a mean trick on me today. Help Tobin get over his cough. Thank you, Jesus. Amen.”

  Simon took his turn. “Bless papa. I miss him. He plays with me and tickles me. I like his beard. Bless ma. She is smiling more and I like that. Bless Sissy, even though she’s a girl. Bless Tobin and help him not to cry so much. I don’t like crying. Thank you for our family and for your birthday. I love you, Jesus. Amen.”

  Lily couldn’t help but smile and give a few tickles herself to the children as she snuggled them into bed with hugs and kisses.

  Tobin had been coughing, and it alarmed her. What if she lost another baby? Lord, please not Tobin too. She longed for Grant’s solid strength by her side through the night. She knew she was safe in this home and that God watched over them both, but she found herself on her own knees through much of the night, praying. Praying for her husband and praying for Tobin. And if she were honest, praying for herself, her fears and her grief. All laid before the throne of a Savior who saves tears and is compassionate and merciful.

  * * *

  The next morning, Tobin was hot and lethargic. Gertrude called in a doctor to care for the gravely ill little boy. The physician shook his head. He had no name for what ailed the infant and said only that he should be kept separate from the other children in case it would spread and that she should try to cool him off and keep him comfortable.

  Gertrude and Lily took turns with the baby while the other children played elsewhere. Damp cloths. Cool baths. Lily tried to nurse, but he hardly drank.

  By late afternoon, the child slept, and Mrs. Anderson and Lily sat together, watching him.

  “I’m sorry you are missing so much of your family to be with me. You really don’t have to do that, Mother.”

  Mrs. Anderson smiled. “Servants could do this. I want to. I want to get acquainted with the woman who captivated my son’s heart and makes him content. It’s not enough to sit and share tea with you, Lily. Our time together is so short. But to be by your side, to serve you, to sit and talk like this without others around. I have longed for this. So my actions really are selfish.”

  Lily smiled. “You left pretty big shoes to fill in the example you set for loving a husband and a family. I’m grateful for the time with you to learn how to do that better for the family God has given us.”

  Gertrude removed her hand. “Do you mind if I ask you a personal question? Never mind. I’m going to ask it anyway, because it’s been something I’ve wanted to know since my son first informed me that you had not been raised Protestant.” Lily folded her hands on her lap and waited.

  “How did you ever come to know Jesus?”

  Lily smiled. “I think I always knew Him. I was drawn to God but felt so distant. Like something beautiful, but untouchable. He was drawing me to Him like James writes about. But it seemed that
as much as I was drawn to Him, Jesus wasn’t drawing near to me. I found it frustrating. I prayed. I took walks and pleaded with God. I took our dusty family Bible and secreted it in my room and read it. I started at the beginning, in Genesis. It seemed to take me forever. And then one day, I was overcome with despair over my sin and what it had done to Jesus. I already knew I wasn’t good. My mother told me that often enough. I knew I wasn’t loveable. My father was distant and didn’t even seem to care. So why would God?

  “I cried for days. My heart was so heavy, and I read and read and read. Then one day, I understood. I was a sinner, but God loved me anyway. He knew none of us could ever be good enough, but I was loved enough for Him to take my sin and wash it away. I couldn’t believe the joy that flooded my heart when I realized that. I felt like somehow, I was able to crawl up into the lap of God and receive His love.” Tears glistened on her eyelashes. “My family didn’t understand my joy. I tried to explain. I met with the priest and was told not to read the Bible. Then in school, I met a gal who was different. She didn’t go to our church. So I talked to her. She prayed with me, encouraged me, and gave me a Bible that I hid under my pillow. It was the only way I ever disobeyed my parents. I read and read and read. She and I would meet at lunch and talk about what I learned.

  Soon, I had reached an age where it was time to find a husband and start a family of my own. Lots of the boys from our church wanted to court me, and my parents approved of every one of them. I was miserable. I kept praying that God would lead me to the right man. A man who loved God first.” Lily smiled. “Then your son rode into town and bought land, and I started to see him everywhere. He glowed. He won everyone as his friend, even some of my eager suitors. Somehow, he singled me out. I think I was in love with him from the first time I looked in his eyes. I just knew. My parents were furious. They refused my dowry and threatened to disown me if I walked away from our religion to marry him. We really didn’t get to know each other much before our marriage because of my parent’s opposition. But I’m grateful for the way God led us together. Grant was more than I ever hoped for in a husband.” Lily blushed.

  Mrs. Anderson wiped away a tear. “I never doubted your faith, Lily, or your love for my son. I just always wondered how a Catholic girl came to be married to him and how God could create her to be such a perfect helpmate. Thank you for sharing your story, my dear. Now why don’t you lie down, and I’ll keep watch over our little Tobin? It wouldn’t do for you to get sick as well.”

  “Thank you.” Lily rose and walked over to her mother-in-law and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Lily awoke in a sweat. She was surprised to see Grant sitting by her side on the bed, placing a wet cloth on her forehead. He smiled down on her.

  “Welcome back, sweetheart. You’ve been sleeping for quite a while.”

  Lily tried to rise but grew dizzy. Grant’s hand gently pushed her back into her damp pillow. He pushed hair off her face. “Tobin,” she mouthed. Her throat was on fire.

  “He’s still with us. Mother is caring for him. The doctor thinks he will most likely live to cause us grey hairs. Let me help you drink some water.” He placed one hand behind her upper back to lift her up and brought a glass to her lips. She slipped back into sleep with him holding her hand.

  * * *

  Grant had been exhausted after the journey back to LaCrosse and was dismayed to find his wife sick with the fever, and their infant also struggling to survive. He let Garrett share the good news with the rest of the family about what had happened back at the farm while he kept vigil by his wife’s bed. His mother managed to find some goats’ milk and manufacture a way to feed the baby who was recovering but still weak. He left Lily’s side reluctantly to put the children to bed and listen to their prayers.

  “Pa, is Mama going to be well soon?” Colleen asked.

  “I pray so.” He patted her red hair gently.

  “Mama told me that Jesus helps us. We’ll ask Him to help Ma,” Simon whispered and then proceeded to kneel by his bed to pray. Colleen followed suit.

  “Jesus, thank you that Papa is here with us again. Help Ma get better so we can all enjoy your birthday. Amen.” Simon still held his hands together as he waited for his sister.

  “Dear Jesus. Papa’s home and that makes us happy. We miss Mama and she’s really sick, but you already know that. Please help Mama get better so she can take care of us. Thank you for our new family and the fun with our aunts and uncles, but we really love Papa and Mama best and want to be able to see her and give her hugs. Thank you, Jesus. Amen.”

  Grant hugged his children close. His. These children were his. They had wormed their way into his heart and depended on him. Ultimately, they belonged to God, but he was glad they unwittingly offered him comfort as he struggled with fear over his wife’s health. He tucked them into bed and gave them each kisses and a few tickles with his beard. He returned to the room he shared with his wife. He grabbed for his Bible and sat by the side of the bed to read, eventually falling to his knees to pray, laying hands on his bride. When he finished, he stayed there, listening to her raspy breath and feeling her steady pulse through her tiny wrist. Steady. Breathe, sweetheart. Keep breathing. And He waited to see if God would speak into the silence or act in some way on his behalf.

  He could sense fear at the edge of his emotions, and in his mind, drew a sword to slice away at the offender. He grew sweaty with the effort as he wrestled within himself for peace. When he finished, he felt like he had engaged in a real battle for his wife’s life. His pulse was rapid and he was warm. He rose, gave his wife a kiss, and then stripped to wash himself before putting on his nightshirt. He crawled into bed and pulled his wife close, taking note of the fact that she was much cooler. The fever had broken. Thanking God, he fell into a well-deserved rest.

  * * *

  The following morning, Lily was able to eat a little bit of oatmeal and an egg. She asked for Tobin, and the infant was brought to her. She nursed him and then returned him to the care of her mother-in-law so she could rest and regain her strength.

  The next day, Lily could speak again as her throat was no longer raw. She snuggled up to her husband as he slept and kissed his cheek, his beard and then down to his neck where he was ticklish. His shoulder came up to try to protect from further attack, but a smile crossed his face even as his eyes remained closed. “My wife must be better.”

  “That I am. Mostly due to your kind ministrations on my behalf,” she whispered and then kissed his collarbone, having unbuttoned the top of his shirt with one hand and pushed the fabric aside.

  “Beware, wife.”

  “Beware of what? The big bad wolf?”

  “I’m going to huff and puff and...” Grant followed that up with a kiss.

  * * *

  The entire Anderson clan celebrated Christmas the next day. The children helped decorate the tree, and a huge yule log was in the fireplace. Lily was still weak and was being pampered by everyone, and Tobin was once again snuggled in her arms. She hadn’t realized how much a part of her he was until she had been sick. Grant sat by her side on the loveseat, taking up most of the space, but she didn’t mind as she leaned against him, finding warmth in the comfort of his presence.

  Grandpapa Anderson, as the children had taken to calling him, was gathering the little ones around him for the reading of Christmas story. The smell of apples and cinnamon filled the air, and candles gave the room a soft glow.

  “Go, children. Grandpapa wants you close as he tells the story of Jesus.” Lily pushed Colleen forward.

  “I don’t want to leave you, Mama,” the little girl whimpered. She was dressed in a pretty blue dress trimmed with white lace, and her hair was pulled back into a riot of curls that cascaded down her back.

  Simon wore a smart little suit and breeches and a bow tie. He too had been hovering around Lily. “I’ll stay with you, Mama.”

  Grant tousled the little boy’s dark curls and then held the head a
nd forced his son to look at him. “Go. Trust me to take care of your mama.”

  “Yes, Papa,” they said in unison as they tentatively approached their cousins and found a spot on the floor near Grandpapa.

  Grandpapa opened up the Bible and began to read from Luke, chapter two. The children sat mesmerized as he told about Mary and Joseph traveling to Bethlehem and not able to find a place to sleep.

  “I know what that’s like,” Colleen piped up.

  “You do?” Grandpapa asked patiently.

  “When our house burned down, we had no place to sleep. People fought over who would take us and finally, Simon, Tobin and I ended up sleeping in a cold barn. It wasn’t until Ma and Pa came for us and took us home that we were safe and warm.”

  “They had room for us,” Simon said.

  “I’m glad they did, because I got you for my grandchildren. Shall we see what happened next?” Grandpapa Anderson said. The children all nodded.

  Grandpapa read about the baby being born in a barn and angels appearing to shepherds and them coming to visit the baby. He then read about the wise men coming as well to worship Jesus and bring him gifts.

  “That’s why we celebrate Jesus’s birthday by giving gifts to each other, because He lives in us when we accept his invitation to be His children. Giving a gift to someone is like giving a gift to God. But God gave us the greatest gift in His son, Jesus, when he died on the cross for our sin. Have any of you ever sinned?”

  All the little hands went up in the air. Grandpapa nodded and the adults chuckled. “I thought so. No one can do good all the time, no matter how hard we try. But when we try to honor God and obey our parents, then God is pleased with us. When we worship Him, live for Jesus, and do what He tells us to do in His word, Jesus is happy. How can we give Jesus a gift this Christmas or any day?”

  The children were silent for a few moments. Simon rose and went to Grant and stood before him.