The Guardian: A NOVEL

by Pamela Ann

  With profound resolve, I called my assistant, Audrey, informing her I wouldn’t be coming in today but would be working from the hotel. She repeatedly reminded me I had a five-thirty fundraising black-tie event, and since my formal clothes were back at the compound, I was required to have a new tailored set sent to me by four. Audrey was efficient and worked seamlessly without needing to bother asking for little details.

  In no time, I arrived back at the hotel. I let out a long, drawn-out sigh the second the door was secured behind me. My heart thudded loudly against my ribcage. It ached; it burned; it stifled me like never before.

  “I’m done.” Shaking my head, I shut my eyes as I willed myself to squash the debilitating emotions trying to overwhelm me. “Get to work. Don’t think. Just work.” Running a hand through my hair, I strode towards the bar and gulped down a chilled bottle of water. The cold liquid eased some of the tension off me, and in no time, I resumed to where I left off, back to where I was in my element.

  Work consumed me, and apart from taking a quick break when room service delivered lunch, I didn’t let off up until my suit was promptly delivered at four.

  Shutting the computer systems off, I strode to the bathroom to shower. It was thirty to five when I emerged out of the hot spray. In my rotten state, the last thing I ought to be doing was attend parties and socialize. But at the same time, I was pressed to resume my old life and carry on as though Gisele’s rejection hadn’t nearly demoralized me.

  Taking my time to shave, I was quite preoccupied until a sudden rap at the door halted me from continuing.

  If this is Audrey ready to inform me the suit wasn’t the correct size, I’ll go truly ballistic. Not due to her mistake but simply because nothing was going right in my life whatsoever.

  “One moment!” I hollered as I speedily tugged a towel before cautiously securing it around my hips. Striding out of the bedroom and out towards the living room, my eyes quickly glanced towards the time before wrenching the door open.

  “Hi, do you have a moment?” Gisele timidly stood outside my door, seeming unsure as she warily eyed me. Gone was the woman who manically taunted me yesterday at the lawyer’s office. Dressed in jean shorts, a loose white shirt, and flats, she looked every bit of a college student and not the bitchy heiress from yesterday.

  Shocked at the sight of her, it took me a full minute to finally find my voice. “I have to be somewhere soon.”

  She shifted her feet, seemingly shy all of a sudden. “I won’t take long…I promise.”

  Damn. What did she want? The question daunted me, but at the same time, I had an obligation to her. If this was an emergency, it was my job to ensure everything was going to be handled without delay.

  “All right, come on in.” Stepping aside, I widened the door to let her pass.

  She slowly halted her steps just before the sofas. She then spun to face where I cautiously stood a good ten feet away from her with my lips pressed together and hands planted on my hips. I wasn’t necessarily aiming for hostility, but somehow, my attitude came off this way. After this morning, maybe her visit was just too premature.

  “I’m waiting, Gisele.”

  She slid her purse off her shoulder before pulling out a folder and carefully placing it on the coffee table. “I came to apologize, but it seems I caught you at the wrong time.”

  My eyes bore into the folder before scowling at the woman. “What the bloody hell’s in it? Are you personally handing me my resignation paperwork?”

  She threw me a wounded look, as if she couldn’t believe what had just come out my mouth. But given how erratic she had been, one couldn’t be too sure where Gisele was concerned.

  “Don’t be too harsh. I know I’ve been acting crazy lately, but I wouldn’t go that far to hurt you.” Her voice trembled as she threw me a pleading look.

  “Then what the bloody hell is it?”

  Her fingers linked, her thumb dug into her forefinger, flinching apprehensively. “It’s our divorce,” she chokingly stated. “I’m handing it to you. Whether you want to file it or not, it’s solely up to you.”

  My body stilled. My world stopped. The functionality of my brain froze as my scowl deepened to a full-scale horrified expression. “What are you playing at here, Gisele?” I was beyond livid. “Do you think you can toy with people like some bloody yo-yo while you get to control and dictate my life! Do I look like a fucking puppet to you! You are a vile, vindictive, soulless person, and I’m quite ashamed I fell for your tricks!”

  “That’s not true!” she loudly objected as tears threatened to spill from the rim of her eyes. “You left! You didn’t even wait for me to grasp the entire situation. You just fucking left! It’s as if it’s that easy to just drop me and you fucking go on living your life as if you didn’t ruin mine!” she somberly stated. “Do you know how it feels every time you walk out on me? Do you? Not only did Rose chip away at my guilt, but she also managed to make me jealous. I was consumed by it. But instead of trying to talk me out of it, to help me heal from the pain she caused, you just up and left again. I’m of so little value to you…” She started crying—hard, deep racking sobs. “You’ve hurt me so much. You terrify me, but I just realized I’m so terrified of fully losing you that I’m willing to risk you never talking to me. I hope it’s not too late to work things out. I want to stay married to you, and if Rose is in the picture and if she’s pregnant…If you still love me, I’m willing to accept your child as a part of you, too. I’ll love the baby as if it’s my own. So, please don’t judge me too harshly…I am learning and making countless mistakes. But here I am, ready to make amends, baring my heart to you, hoping you’ll love me again.”

  Her lengthy explosive confession tilted my axis. Not only was I speechless, but I was rather dumbfounded that she had bloody convinced herself I was having a child with Rose. Her imagination sure worked overtime. And as for the rest, I loved her, but she terrified me, too. But as she pointed out, maybe it was the wrong decision to walk out on her when she was obviously in pain that night. I was reeling from her divorce announcement, so consumed by pain and anger it was impossible to see past all the agonizing haze our confrontation evoked.

  “Gisele, I don’t know what else to say…This is all too much…”

  Fresh tears renewed, and she shuddered as she wiped the tears away. “It’s okay,” she hiccupped. “It’s okay. You’re busy and all, so I should get going.” Her eyes flickered towards the folder before she gripped her purse and sprinted towards the door.

  “That’s it?” I yelled after her, stopping her from taking another step.

  Ever so slowly, she turned to face me. “What do you mean by ‘that’s it’?”

  “After all you’ve just said, you then decide to leave?”

  Gisele grimaced. Although the heavy stream of tears had halted, moisture remained in her sullen gray depths. “I’m giving you space. You look so affronted. I don’t know if you hate me or if you still love me or are just indifferent, or maybe I’m just saving us from another awkward goodbye.”

  My eyes trained on her as I progressively meandered over to her frozen form, contemplative. Stopping my tracks upon reaching her, my eyes set ablaze as I gazed down on the woman who had wrung me dry. “Do you mean that, Gisele? About loving my child as your own?”

  She meekly nodded. “With all my heart.”

  “And what of Dexter?” I warily asked, eyes holding her firmly, never letting her off. “Where does he fit in this?”

  “You totally misconstrued what happened this morning. I left him a voicemail the other day, asking if I could interview him. It’s for school. He’s a lawyer, in case you’d forgotten…There’s nothing going on, Jared.” She paused, closing the gap between us. Placing her palm on my chest, she then gazed up at me, beseeching. “I’m not a soulless person. I care about the people I love. I want to keep them, to protect them. As for being vindictive…I never considered myself that way until you came along. I’m appalled I’ve stooped so low, b
ut loving you isn’t an excuse to turn into a despicable person. I’m sorry for that. Like I said earlier, I’m learning. Take a chance on me. I won’t disappoint you.”

  I’d given her an opportunity to take it all back yesterday, but it seemed she hadn’t come to her senses until this morning. I was glad she had before everything was set in motion. Was I relieved? Beyond words. Was I wary? Quite. But we both were at fault here. We had begun this relationship without intending for it to be real. But here we were, falling in love with each other.

  “I wish I could take it all back, erase it all away, but wishing for the impossible wouldn’t solve anything. There is no baby, no Rose. I’m fucking in love with you, Gisele. I do…with all of me…with everything in me. I passionately love you. I’m ready to be the man you deserve to have. I’m ready to be your lover, your best friend, your champion, but above all, I’m ready to be your husband. We’ll give us a chance. We’ll give our marriage one last try—just you and me like it was supposed to be from the start. No more other people. No exes…just us working it out, fighting, making love, compromising, and hashing things out. If loving you means dealing with all of this, then I want all of your crazy. I’m ready, kitten.”

  She brought our foreheads together, her hand cupping my cheek. “Are you sure? I’m sorry for putting us here when we were in such a good place. I’m so young, and I have so much to learn. I’m going to make a crazy load of mistakes, and when that happens, promise me not to walk out on me. I love you. I’ve been in love with you for as long as I can remember…and I doubt I’ll stop loving you. I’m yours—all yours—and if you’ll have me, I’m going to love and worship you until the very end.”

  “Of course, I’m going to have you. You’re my wife,” I passionately stated with my all.

  “Say that again.” She grinned with her eyes closed.

  “You’re my wife,” I teased as my lips softly brushed hers, overwhelmed by the profound, intrinsic love radiating out of my system, out of my pores. I was intoxicated by it all.

  “God, you have no idea how hearing you say that turns me on.” She wrapped her arms around my neck before the minx launched herself at me, jumping as she hooked her legs around my hips, clinging onto me as she laughed with a childlike, gleeful enthusiasm. “I suppose Papa knew what he was doing. I can’t thank him enough for giving me you.”

  Pressing her body against the wall, I devoured her lips. “I thank him every day.”

  “You do? Since when?” She let out a whimsical sigh, gazing at me with her hallmark aroused look—half-closed lids, parted lips, and her tongue toying with her bottom lip.

  Bloody hell. “The moment you started driving me crazy!” I growled as I led us back into my bedroom before throwing her onto the mattress. She looked wild, wanton, and free. “My little sexy freak,” I gritted out, yanking the towel away from my hips, quite ready to consume the nymph. “Hope you’re ready to be ravished, Mrs. St. James. After this morning, you know I won’t be gentle.”

  “Then where’s your belt to tie this bad girl up?” She arched her brow, challenging me.

  I let out a guttural groan, beyond enchanted that she was indulging in my sexual depravity.

  The gala could wait. Ravishing my wife couldn’t.

  35

  JARED

  THE ST. JAMES’ EPILOGUE

  On one spring evening, right after dinner, Gisele insisted we take a quick stroll towards the garden.

  We had intended to do leisure walks when I came home for dinner, which happened twice a week. Soon, I had to start setting things up so I could work from home. Then I wouldn’t have to hear Gisele’s complaints of abandonment issues. It was all done in jest, of course, but I never wanted her to feel as though I was never around.

  It had been a month since she had come to be at the Four Seasons. The woman still drove me nuts and bolts mad. We argued then compromised like any other couple. I had to admit our sex life had been intense. The minx matched my zeal in that department. Our hunger had merely heightened after our reconciliation.

  “You know, I still owe you a honeymoon,” I murmured into the night as my arm tightened around her shoulder.

  Barefoot, Gisele tiptoed to kiss me on the chin. “Maybe we can go somewhere for our one year…if you’re confident to leave the company for a week or two, that is.”

  We both knew the company came first, and I was grateful she understood the gravity of my responsibility. And I hoped soon, she’d be joining me, working alongside me for years to come. The thought made me grin before I brought us to a pause.

  Ahead, there was a table with torches on both ends. Frowning, I cocked my head towards the animated woman. “What are you up to now?”

  “It’s a surprise,” she said, pulling my hand. “Come on, old man!”

  Had I not been curious, I’d have spanked her right then and there, security our every waking moment be damned.

  “These are memorial lanterns. I painted Paige’s and Penny’s names on it. Abigail mentioned it’s their death anniversary today…I hope I’m not imposing, but I thought you might want to do something meaningful to remember them.”

  I’m not one for tears, but holy fuck, this woman just gunned for my emotions. “Thank you. I thought of dropping by church to say a prayer, but I couldn’t bring myself to.” Taking hold of her hand, I brought it to my lips. “So, thank you for this amazing gesture. You have no idea how much this means to me.”

  Merely smiling at me, she took hold of a white lantern with Paige’s name in pink before bringing it to me.

  Dearest Paige,

  May we meet again.

  With love,

  Jared

  Holding the riotous emotions seizing me, I tried my damnedest to hold myself together.

  Gisele then gave me specific instructions as to how to light the lantern. Ensuring I didn’t light myself as I brought it next to the torch, I carefully brought the fuel patch towards the fire. It took a few seconds until flaming up. Grasping the wired end, I took a deep breath before setting it free. “May we meet again,” I murmured as I silently watched it flying in the sky. My heart ached at the thought of my departed wife, but the pain wasn’t as fierce as before. The guilt had ebbed. Falling in love with Gisele had cured most of it.

  She then handed me Penny’s.

  To my little angel above,

  May we meet again, Penny.

  With love,

  Dad

  “I’ll forever miss you, angel,” I chokingly said as I watched it fly above me, hot tears escaping my eyes.

  She had no idea how much she’d done for me, and I was forever grateful for her thoughtfulness.

  “We’ll do this every year.” Gisele kissed my hand ever so softly. “You’re not alone anymore, babe. I’m here to share your burden, your pain.” She wrapped her arms around my hips, her cheek against my heart. “I’ve got you.”

  “You’ve got me, kitten.”

  As our eyes observed the diminishing lights in the darkened sky, I held her closer, knowing full well I was here, standing with the woman I was destined to be with. This was my fate. I was where I was meant to be. Right here with her, just as it should be.

  THE END

  36

  — The End –

  “In a world full of temporary things, you are a perpetual feeling.”

  -Sanober Khan

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  UNAPOLOGETIC

  A PREVIEW

  book one

  37

  PROLOGUE

  TEN YEARS AGO

  Being unwanted was a sufferance I was familiar with. It hounded me from the moment I was born and every waking moment since. No one really wanted me—not even my parents. My mother was so aghast that she took her own life—dying was much more a comfort than taking care of the baby she bore.

  As a child, I learned how to mask my emotions. Though shattered and broken inside, the mask I wore protected me from inquisitive eyes, especially from those who lavished on inflicting pain. Even though I was only eleven years old, I had learned that showing emotions made people uncomfortable, fickle, and they would use it to their advantage, as a weapon against you. In the end, it was best to stay guarded, grounded, and unmoved from the madness of my environment. It was what I did best, the unperturbed, emotionless Cara Quinn.

  “Hello, I’m Mattie, and this is my husband Tony. You’ll be living with us from now on.”

  Hesitant with this new acquaintance, I glanced toward Lisa, the social worker, who gave me a warm encouraging smile.