The Guardian: A NOVEL

by Pamela Ann

  He wasn’t the first man I had dated after River, but apart from the rest of the lot, Parker actually was the closest man whom I felt I could have a real relationship with. So, I obviously wouldn’t want to lose him, but I wasn’t ready to reveal myself and the gargantuan baggage that followed me around, either.

  It took every ounce of persuasion to have Parker not join me inside my apartment when he dropped me off. His persistence to take it to the next level had been more apparent lately. Rushing into physical intimacy wasn’t something I planned. However, I believe that once tonight was through, I would be more pliable to the idea.

  Ridding my life of River wouldn’t be a hardship. We needed closure; that was all. His dating life was colorful like a kaleidoscope. He had all the ripe pickings to whomever he fancied, and I doubted he had any inclination in making that bright, sparkly life dulled by rekindling things with me. Therefore, I had nothing to worry about on that front … Or so I reassured myself with.

  Pressed for time, I hadn’t bothered changing when I requested for a ride to pick me up. Enclosed in my scarcely decorated one-bedroom apartment in Santa Monica, I stood in the middle of the living room, terrified out of my wits. My heart ached as I tried to squash the memories that endangered to overrule my senses.

  “No,” I angrily hissed out. “No tears, damn you.”

  Letting out a sigh, I took a moment to gain my composure, reassuring myself with the truth—that this man had his multiple-layered array of cakes and he ate it with gusto, without a thought of repercussions or what his actions would eventually do to me. The only thing I could do was think positive thoughts. Once tonight was over, River would have no right to hound my conscience any longer.

  “I, alone, can set the path to my future and my own happiness. River can’t take that away from me, too.”

  On a mission to calm my nerves, I went into the kitchen and made myself a whiskey sour; reinforcements to amp my courage were always welcomed. The strong, sweet and sour drink would encourage my disheartened circumstance.

  The Uber driver dropped me off at the location River had texted me. After murmuring my thanks to the kind driver, I paused, catching my breath, as I stood outside the pavement, exhilarated and unsure of what to do next.

  His home was in a secluded and quiet neighborhood, a complete distinction from life in the city where everything and anything was correlated to tinsel town. It made me wonder why he chose to live away from it all. I supposed the Spanish villa with its abundant rows of vibrant hydrangeas would entice anyone to live here. It stung to realize that he chose my favorite flowers to adorn his beautiful home.

  “Bastard,” I muttered under my breath while my eyes heated at the very sight of them. If there was any doubt, rest assured, I loathed every ounce of the man.

  For so long, I had rehearsed this scenario in my mind, but it never quite played out this way—with me seeking him out on his own turf. My hands became clammy as my thoughts procured each god-awful scenario in my head. Tough he might be, but he had never laid a finger on me, not to hurt me.

  I recalled those dark, penetrating eyes flaying my soul, accusing. He would demand answers, and give them, I shall … even if rehashing the past threatened to undo the very fine stitching I had sewn in my once fragile, shattered heart.

  Treading onto the massively flattened stone pathway leading toward the entrance to his home, I then hastily pressed the doorbell before I convinced myself to walk away and wish him hell-bound.

  “Cara,” he breathlessly greeted upon opening the door.

  Dressed in black drawstring linen pants and the same colored muscle shirt, he was perfectly equipped for a fun night of torture. His hair was wet, freshly out of shower, smelling clean, overpowering my senses with his scented skin, seizing my inhibitions for a moment. It was the very same cologne I had gifted him when he had turned sixteen. He hadn’t worn anything else since, apparently. Or maybe he was using every weapon at his disposal, I spitefully considered. After all, lust was a powerful tool to make one at an advantage. And the asshat knew what to use against me. Well, he could think again. His sexual prowess be damned.

  It was a brilliant idea that I didn’t change into something drab and remained in the same garment I had donned earlier. The tiny black dress perfectly matched his shameless intent. I knew him well enough to know that he intended to seduce me; play me for a lovesick fool. No more.

  He hadn’t changed; still beyond predictable. While I, on the other hand, this new Cara, would give him a run for his money. If I played my cards right, I could very well walk out of here unscathed.

  “Come on in.” He gestured, stepping aside to let me in, probing eyes trained on me.

  Not meeting his inquisitive gaze, I held my breath, bracing myself as I crossed the threshold.

  Upon closing the door behind me, his blatant gawking became too much to bear.

  “Stop staring at me like that!” I fumed, striking him with a venomous glare. I could very well slap him, but I didn’t want him to realize that he was breaking through to me. He was already unbearable, and we had just begun. What the hell!

  “I haven’t seen you in years; what do you expect me to do, Cara? Kiss you, perhaps?” River asked as he tauntingly arched his brow at me. Before I could quip a retort, he broke into a smile. “It’s good to know that you’re still all fire, petal. I’ve always admired that about you.”

  Petal. The cheek!

  “Don’t you dare call me that! I’m not your petal. I’m not your anything. Not for a long time. And never again.”

  Insulted, River took a few steps and stood at full-height, forbidding, domineering with his trained eyes on me like a hawk to its prey. “You’re going to make this hard, aren’t you? You know just how I like it, Cara.” He was measuring how far he could goad me, but I wasn’t going to cave to his wretched tactics.

  His words lingered, making me shudder at the thought of him taking me, right here, up against the wall, as he gripped my hips to meet his eager thrusts. It was how he took me the last time I saw him, silencing my tears with his kisses and believing that sex would cure the hollowness in my heart. It was a monumental moment because it was then that I had realized that sex wasn’t enough anymore. It was, when I had quietly said my good-bye, unbeknownst to him.

  “You tremble. I haven’t even begun,” he murmured, eyes longingly dropping to my lips, lingering, contemplating.

  I could feel the heat permeating from him. It was pulling me, pulling us like a magnet.

  “These lips kissed another man tonight. Something broke inside me when I saw that.” There was undeniable sadness in his tone. “Did you know that the broken shards of a heart could still shatter even more into a tiny million pieces? Mine did after watching you with him. It drove me insane. I didn’t know jealousy until I saw you with another man.”

  There was such conviction in his tone that I almost believed him. Almost.

  How long was he there spying on me before he finally made himself known?

  “You pretend like you’ve been living a life of a saint. It took you a week after seeing me that last time to resume seeing Hailey Mavis again, and yet you speak of heartbreak? Don’t think me a fool, River. Give me some credit. I was in love, not stupid.” Was there a difference? My stupid mind retorted. I doubted it.

  “It was all contracted, just a pretend, as I have elaborated and explained to you before. Nothing happened with her. Well, not back then, anyway,” he reasoned with the same lies he had fed me until I couldn’t take it and vomited all of his deceit.

  Contracted, probably. But there was something more. I knew it. My gut sensed it, and it had never failed me before. Something had been developing between them, and even if it weren’t physical, I knew enough that he had some sort of attachment to her. My instincts hadn’t been very far off, and in the end, he had proved me right.

  “I’m sure it didn’t take you long to remedy that problem.” A lump of bile rose in the back of my throat. The thought of them toge
ther, to this day, still made me sick to my stomach. “My heart was never in question. It remained with you. It remains with you,” he vehemently swore. “Nothing’s changed for me, Cara.”

  No. I indignantly shook my head in repulsion. He was just saying the right things so he could trap me back into his mangled ugly web of lies.

  All my life, people had let me down time and time again. It was a mistake to trust him and believe he was any different from the people who had abandoned and left me because I wasn’t good enough to be loved. My mother took her own life because she couldn’t stand the sight of me. My father had up and left the country when he found out my mother was pregnant with me. My relatives thought I was an inconvenience, so they had handed me over to social services without a second thought.

  It took me forever to give my heart to him, and in the end, what did he do? He proved that he was just like them—rotten to the core.

  Hiding my damaged heart and the painful echoes from a lifetime of neglect that I had harbored ever since childhood, I blankly stared at the man whom I once thought the world of. “Do you honestly think that’ll change things, River?” I hatefully spat at him. Fully ensconced in loathing and wrath, I longed to hurt him further, but violence would simply worsen things. “I’ve moved on. I’m over your brooding, self-centered playboy persona. Above all, you taught me that there are far better options out there.”

  A guttural sound vibrated off him. “Oh, so Parker Haynes is better than me, is that it?” He began to move, slowly circling me, commanding, menacing. “How long have you even known this guy? A few weeks? Months? We both know, Cara, that no man can love you the way I do.”

  Arrogant, overbearing fucker. I wasn’t going to buy into his intimidating tactics.

  Halting his tracks, we stood side by side, a breadth away from touching. I could feel his hot breath teasing the skin on my neck, but I determinedly gazed ahead, eyes penetrating, seeing nothing but him.

  “Does he even know you’re with me?” His low voice was measured, almost seductive.

  Did he really think he had some importance in my life? Just because he had reached stardom, I was far from star struck. On the contrary, his name hadn’t crossed my lips again until tonight.

  “Why should he know about you, River? As far as everyone I know is concerned, you’re nothing but a stranger to me.” And that was how he should remain. A phantom from my past.

  My response made him ground his teeth, trying his damnedest to contain his fury. “Is that what I am to you now, Cara?” He leaned closer, taking a whiff of my scent and making me hyperaware of his proximity. “A stranger?”

  You were my world … but I died the moment you betrayed me. “It doesn’t matter.” I had mourned him as though he truly had died. For a year, I struggled to get it together. And the moment I did, I made a vow never to look back. Tonight was an exception, yet it wasn’t an excuse to let him lull me into stupidity.

  Firmly cupping my chin, he made me look at him. The second our eyes clashed, I immediately felt bereft, beyond troubled when I saw the evident pain that was unguardedly expressed in his dark, mesmerizing eyes.

  “It matters to me. It matters a whole lot.”

  Swallowing the heavy lump in my throat, I licked my lips as tremors ran over me. “What do you want from me, River?”

  Searching my depths, his lips parted while his eyes flickered back and forth, probing for some certainty, inching closer to me, to my heart. “You. Just you, again and again until my last breath.”

  I was immediately transported to a time when those words of promise whispered out of my own lips before I gave myself to him for the first time at the age of seventeen.

  Numb from the immense wave of sadness, I felt the back of my eyes begin to sting, threatening to form tears. “We’re done. We’ve been done. Let’s end this amicably. Stop bringing up the old times; it’s all in the past.”

  His hold of my chin tightened, face inching closer until his nose almost grazed mine. “Is it,” he softly spoke against my lips slightly, brushing it with his, “ever really over?”

  If River dared kiss me, my knees would harshly meet his golden twin nuggets. I would injure it until he was black and blue.

  “Yes, it’s really fucking over, in case the part where I shut you out of my life for the past two years wasn’t clear enough for you, River. Spare me the nostalgia. I find it nauseating. Stop being hell-bent on trying something with me because it’s OVER. Nothing you say or do will ever change it. I need you to quit it because I came here for closure and to have the good-bye that we never had. You just have to stop—”

  “I’m still in love with you; is that so hard understand?” he violently declared, eyes sparking fire, charging the air between us with tension that was almost suffocating. “I love you, Cara,” he stated again. And again.

  I sort of laughed at his face with a bubbling hysteria threatening to break free. “That’s the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard.” Scoffing, I peered at him in disbelief. “You fucked your way around when you left. How can you claim to love me when you’ve bed hopped from bimbos to bombshells?” Though I had cut him out of my life, a sickening, sadistic side of me managed to follow every woman he had dated and been linked to since.

  “You broke up with me. You left without a word, without even a warning. I was devastated when you walked away. I didn’t see it coming … The women who came after that, I guess, was my way of coping.”

  He had the gall. What a poor excuse for whoring around. If he had ever loved me as much as he claimed, he would have figured out a way to fight for me. Instead, he chose to console his penis.

  “I’m sure it was,” I bitterly derided.

  “Admit it, Cara; isn’t that exactly the same thing with what you’re doing with Parker Haynes?” he chided, like we were now even.

  I wanted to gouge his eyes out.

  “How dare you! Parker’s not like you. I made sure of that before giving in to him.”

  “From what I gathered, your relationship has barely started. And basing from what I know of you in the past, it’ll take another year for you to give in, Cara … Or am I mistaken on that perception, too?”

  This was an opportunity for me to prove just how much I wanted him to continue on the path he has been on for months on end, without me in it. “I am with him. And no, Parker didn’t need to wait a year to have me, because he’s everything that I’ve ever wanted.” It was a harmless white lie. River didn’t have to know every aspect of my relationship with Parker. It was none of his business.

  River thought otherwise.

  Horror, agony, mixed with disbelief crossed his befallen face. He looked as though I had physically injured him. And when my gaze fell, I saw his hand shake. I wasn’t sure if that was from anger or shock, but in all the years I had known him, I hadn’t seen him this shaken.

  “Had you not run away, we’d be married today. We said two years, remember?” A faint smile formed on his lips before he bore those saddened eyes on me again. His eyes misted as he longingly searched my face. “All those promises … The vow you gave to me …” he whispered. “I have to hear it, Cara. I have to see it come out of your lips. You have to tell me you don’t love me anymore.”

  That was supposed to be today? What luck. With steel determination, I spoke the words he demanded of me. “I’m not in love with you, River.”

  Our eyes met. Green meeting his dark, impenetrable depths. Time stood still, absorbing each other, eyes mating, challenging.

  “I don’t believe you,” he stated with certainty.

  Sooner or later, he would realize that I meant each word.

  “I wouldn’t have moved on if I did. You know me better than anyone.” There was no one in this world who knew me inside and out.

  “We were best friends before we became lovers. Or is our friendship unsalvageable as well?”

  His question took me aback.

  “Friendship?” Aghast, I wasn’t sure if he was serious. “Why would you wan
t that?”

  “Because you’re the only family I have.”

  We had once promised that we would always have each other. No matter what happened in the future, we were each other’s emergency person. I understood that our attachment had run deep, but for him to ask such a question after the tumultuous relationship we had, I wasn’t sure how to respond. Obviously, I hadn’t expected this.

  “When you’re ready, I guess. I don’t want to pressure you right now.”

  He wanted to be friends? That entailed letting him in my life again. Too much had happened. The water was well under the bridge for me, but not for him.

  “I’m sorry for everything, Cara. I never meant to hurt you while seeking out my dream. Someday, I hope you can forgive me.” River took a step back. “I’m sorry, but I need a moment.”

  Dumbstruck, I barely nodded while watching him walk away in a mad rush. Where did he go? Should I take my leave since our conversation wasn’t going anywhere?

  Amidst contemplation, my curiosity got the best of me. There was no denying that this was out of my depth. He offered to salvage our friendship, but how did one rebuild that? It was like a coin; there were two sides, but it remained one. He was suggesting the impossible, yet for some reason, I wasn’t obliged to take my leave and walk away just yet.

  The only source of light came from somewhere down the hallway. However, I’d had enough illumination to grasp my surroundings. His house had all the makings of warmth and security a true home should have. Earth tones, a lot of wood adorned with just the right balance of masculinity without overpowering it.

  The heel of my stilettos echoed in my wake as I trailed farther into his home. From the living room, the doors opened toward the gardens. It was vast with the mountains in the back looming in the dark. To the left, there was a veranda with a fire pit blazing brightly. There he stood, deep in thought, staring blankly into its flames with a lit cigarette between finger and thumb.