When wrong feels so right

by Mia Ford

  I don’t look behind me as I pull away, I don’t even glance in the rear view mirror. I also make sure that I take the long way around so I don’t pass Lola’s home. There’s that familiar pull in my chest drawing me in, but today I’m strong enough not to follow through.

  I’m picking my career over love.

  Yes, okay so I know that there’s a chance that I might regret it at some point, but I have all my life to fall in love. I don’t think that Lola will be the only one for me, I don’t think that I’ll only fall in love once. I can use this as a learning curve to make it better in the future. She will just be a memory in my mind, a lovely few months, and I hope that once the hurt has passed for her, she will see me the same way.

  I turn the music up as I get towards the building site because I’m trying to block out all of my emotions. I don’t want to think about Lola now, I just want to get this done. As I pull the car to a halt, I can see Hank and Archie already there which is good. I can get this done with just those two so there isn’t any unnecessary drama. I get that big fake smile on my face and I step out to greet them.

  “Hey, boss.” Hank looks shocked to see me. “You’re in early, is there anything wrong?”

  “Oh no, no not really.” I shake my head and wonder why I didn’t plan what I was going to say earlier. “It’s not that at all. It’s just… well the project is almost finished now and I have something that I need to get back home for. Do you think you can get the last few things done without me?”

  Hank gives me an apologetic look, it’s almost like he can see that everything has fallen apart with my love life. I want to hold my head high and to give him a defiant look, but I can’t. My eyes fall downwards and I look at my feet instead.

  “Sure, boss, me and Archie can take control of everything. I don’t think it’ll be more than an extra week anyway. Probably a lot less. I can keep you updated via email if that’s what you want?”

  “Perfect. Thank you.”

  “And, erm… what about the other project?” It takes me a few moments to realize what he’s talking about, but when I remember the lake, recognition flickers across my face. “After our little chat yesterday, we started it. We’re just going to get it as close to how it once was… if that’s what you still want.”

  Maybe that’s a good idea. It’ll give Lola somewhere to go if she wants to remember me and her in a positive light. What we had on that day when we went to the lake was magical, made even better by the fact that she opened up to me in the most incredible way. She revealed parts of herself to me that I don’t know if many other people will get.

  I would like to think of her standing there, when times get tough, just remembering.

  “Yes,” I rasp back. “Please carry on with it. Like I said I will pay you well.”

  “Okay, that’s great, boss. Will do.”

  Once we’ve embraced and said our goodbyes, I hop back into the car with all kinds of thoughts racing through my mind. I’m hoping that the nearer I get to the city, the clearer my brain will become. The positive for me is that I can get some separation from all of this. I can go away and back to my real life. I hope Lola somehow manages to overcome it well. Somehow.

  I can’t look back now, I just have to go. I’ve made my bed and I need to just lie in it.

  Chapter 15 – Lola

  “How are you doing, sweetheart?” my dad asks me with sympathy in his eyes. He reaches out to touch my arm as he gazes at me. “You look a bit… I don’t know, sad.”

  “I’m fine,” I lie, despite the fact that I’ve been really sad for over a week now. I don’t want to upset him since he’s still quite frail. “How are you doing?”

  “Oh you know me.” He smiles through the pain. “I’m used to it, I’ll keep on going.” He cocks his head and examines me closely. “But what’s going on with you? I know that you’ve just said nothing but I really don’t believe you. I know you better than that.”

  I can’t even make myself smile. I know I probably should, to reassure him, but I’m too physically and emotionally exhausted to fake it. “I’ll be fine too. I’m resilient like you.”

  I move into the kitchen to make a hot drink for me and Dad. I feel like we both could use some caffeine right now. I flick it on and watch it boil, all while my mind is reeling at a million miles an hour. At the moment, I’m the lowest that I’ve ever been. I don’t know if I’ll ever be happy again. To anyone else, that might sound dramatic but to me it feels impossible. Everywhere I look I see a reminder of the man I fell in love with, the man I offered myself to on a plate, and the man that I wasn’t good enough for. Even when we argued I didn’t mean what I said. I certainly didn’t think he’d skip town without saying goodbye.

  No, I think as a tear streams down my cheek. I can’t think about him now. He’s gone and it’s just me and Dad left. I have to be here for him.

  I take a deep sigh once the drinks are made and I try to keep some strength in myself. Then I finally brave, heading back into the living room to face my perceptive father again.

  “I have a coffee for you here.” I put it down in front of him but he doesn’t immediately take it. “I hope that’s okay for you? I can make tea if you’d prefer.”

  “No, no, coffee is fine.” He stares at me intently as if he’s trying to read me. I shift uncomfortably under his gaze. “Lola, can I ask you something?”

  No, please don’t! Leave me alone, leave me to my misery, I think as I take a big sip of my drink. “Sure,” I say aloud.

  “What happened to the long distance man?”

  Oh God. My heart falls. I can feel the tears burning behind my eyes once more. I have spent far too long crying over this man, I don’t want to do it again. “He’s gone,” I rasp thickly. I want that to be the end of it, but of course it isn’t.

  “Gone where?” Dad leans forward as if he wants to get closer to me.

  “He’s gone home. He went back to the city and that’s the end of it.”

  “How do you know that’s the end? Like I said, me and your mother managed to make it work. It wasn’t easy, but we did it.”

  The tears fall, I can’t stop them anymore. “The difference is that you both wanted it to happen.” I brush the wetness away angrily. “I can’t change the way he feels so that’s that.”

  It is what it is… urgh, I hate that God damn saying.

  Dad slumps back in his chair looking defeated. I hate to see that disappointed look on his face, but at least he knows now. He knows that me and Brandon are done and there isn’t any coming back from it. My heart might be shattered into a million pieces in my chest but there isn’t anything that can put it back together. There’s no hope, it’s done.

  “He left without saying goodbye.” I put the final nail in the coffin. “We argued when I suggested that we do the long distance thing and the following morning he was gone.”

  “But you both seemed to make each other so happy. I don’t understand it.”

  “No.” I stand up, unable to deal with this for another second longer. “I don’t understand it either, but there you go. His life in the city, his career, everything must be more important than me.”

  I want to make a comment about being left behind again, just like I was when it came to Rory, but I don’t. I don’t want him to blame himself for holding me back, just like Mom would have done if she’d known. It isn’t their fault, I’m the one who wants to remain behind to help them. It’s all on me.

  “Well I must have been wrong then,” Dad says with a shake of his head. “I’m sorry. I thought I saw something there, that’s all.”

  A thick ball of emotion lodges in my throat, which makes me feel like I might vomit at any time. I can hardly breathe, it’s horrible, I don’t know what to do. “Well, you didn’t.”

  I take my mug into the kitchen and toss the rest of my drink down the sink because I can’t stand to drink it. I lean over the sink and gasp desperately as the emotion washes over me in powerful waves. It feels like everything is
closing in on me, that the world is crushing me. I need air, I need space, I need to be by myself.

  “I’m going out,” I gasp loudly to Dad. “I just need to… to head to the shops. I’ll be back soon, okay?”

  “Are you okay? Have I said something to upset you?” he calls after me. “I’m sorry, Lola…”

  But I close the door behind me so he can’t hear me cry. Then I move my feet rapidly, I don’t have a direction in mind, I just keep on going until I’m far, far away.

  ***

  “Oh my God,” I mutter in sheer shock as I stumble across the place I never intended to go, but at the same time was where my footsteps have been taking me ever since I first left the house. “What the hell…?”

  It’s the lake, my lake, the lake I always went to with my mother. The place I came to with Brandon on that one truly wonderful day we shared together, back when we were trapped in a bubble of happiness, when it felt like anything could happen. Even then I was aware that things would eventually come to an end, but it felt like it was so far away that I would have to ever deal with it really.

  This is the lake I shared with my mom. Well, sort of. As I move my feet and I wander around the place I think it might be even better. Someone has been here making vast improvements, cleaning up the water, planting flowers, and building a small archway nearby. Instead of looking like a run down place where old memories have come to die, it looks so pretty that new memories could be created. I can even imagine weddings and other lovely parties happening here. It’s all too much.

  “Ah.” A voice rings out from behind me, making me jump. “So, you’re the young lady.”

  I spin to see one of the older gentlemen from the town standing behind me, looking at me like we know one another. He isn’t one of the ones who comes to my shows regularly, but I would’ve definitely seen him. “Erm, sorry?” I ask awkwardly.

  He moves deliberately towards me with heavy steps. “You’re the one who captured the heart of my boss?”

  “Oh.” It suddenly hits me. He must be one of the builders who worked for Brandon. How typical that I would be here completely by accident, trying to work things out, and someone connected to him would be here. “I see.”

  “I knew it was a girl from the town, and someone who’s father was sick, but I guess I didn’t connect the dots.”

  "You know all that?” I guess I’m shocked because I didn’t think Brandon would ever talk about me much. Especially when it seems that everything we shared has been so easy to discard. “Did Brandon tell you or do you know my dad well?”

  “I know your dad well enough.” He stares over at the water. “Or I did. Back before he got sick he was the life and soul of the party. Always good fun. But yes, it was Brandon that told us all about you. He has a thing for you that boy.”

  I growl angrily. “That’s not true,” I shoot back. “He didn’t care for me at all. We just… shared some time together and now he’s gone.”

  “Then why did he do all of this for you?” He makes a sweeping gesture with his hand as he indicates around. “A man doesn’t do something like this unless he’s in love.”

  The L word makes my chest constrict painfully. It’s something that I’ve been trying to ignore, something that I’ve been trying to push back down because I allowed myself to become so convinced that’s how I’ve been feeling.

  “Yeah well, he also paid my dad’s hospital bills, but then he ran off without saying goodbye,” I reply bitterly. “Who knows why he does what he does. Maybe he just likes flashing the cash. It probably doesn’t mean anything.”

  “I suppose you could be right, but I never saw him that way. I think he just got scared if I’m honest. Men don’t cave to commitment that easily, it takes them a while to decide that it’s for them.”

  Maybe I would believe that if I didn’t know about Mom and Dad’s story. He knew that she was the one and he just went for it. It didn’t matter to him how hard it would be because he knew that he was in love. Again, I’m reminded that I’m not enough for Brandon and I never will be.

  “Well, I’m not going to wait around for him to decide that he wants commitment. I want to just move on with my life.” As I glance around I know it’s not going to be easy with this constant reminder here, on top of everything else I have to keep me remembering, but I’m going to have to try. “It’s nice, a good job has been done and I’m sure that many people will enjoy it. But one of them won’t be me.”

  “Well that is a shame.” He doesn’t sound shocked or impressed by me. Amused if anything. “Because I know that he would be good to you if you’d just give him a chance.”

  “No way. I’m done,” I speak firmly. “I have too much else to worry about. I have the farm, my dad, my music… that’s all I need. Brandon and the rest of it, that can all just be gone. I’m done with it all.”

  Done with love, that’s what I am. It brings along nothing but trouble. Men bring drama, and love brings broken hearts. I was doing just fine without all of that before and I can get back to that again.

  “I have to go.” The man doesn’t answer me so I move anyway. Clearly he thinks our conversation is over anyway. “Goodbye.”

  As I leave the lake I’m even more confused than before. Why would Brandon do something that seems so caring when he clearly doesn’t care? What the hell is the point? Maybe it is a money thing, or maybe he enjoys keeping women hanging on. Well he won’t have me. At least now there’s a strength inside of me, a determination that I won’t be caught in his trap for any longer.

  I won’t cry another damn tear for Brandon Heath-Smith. It’s time for me to move on.

  Chapter 16 – Brandon

  One year later…

  “Son? Are you even listening to me?”

  “Oh sorry.” I drag my eyes away from the window and stare at him with a bit of a glassy eyed expression. “I am listening, I just… got distracted for a moment.”

  A moment, a year, what does it matter? All that’s really important is that I still, after making the choice to choose business over love, putting my career first and thinking only of myself, I still don’t think I’ve done the right thing. I assumed that as soon as I got back to my real life, I’d forget all about my brief and magical time with Lola Boots, but somehow I haven’t quite recovered. Somehow, I’m not quite the person who I once was.

  “Right, well as a CEO of the company, you can’t just get distracted. I’ve promoted you in good faith and every now and then you seem to be off in your own little world.” He pats me patronizingly on the shoulder. “You’ve worked hard and sacrificed a lot to be here. Don’t put all of that effort to waste now.”

  I shake my head and ride my brain of everything that happened in the past. There’s no point in worrying about any of it now, thinking it through won’t get me anywhere. I left Lola in a shitty way, making sure there’s no going back, so there really isn’t any point in worrying about what’s happening there. It’s done. Over. No more.

  “I know, I’m sorry. Please, let’s discuss these plans further.”

  “At least this time you won’t have to be the one going to some ass end town to renovate it,” Dad chuckles loudly and spitefully. “I know how pissed off you were about that, but now that you’ve done it, you can make sure the next guy does it as well as you. The development you oversaw made a massive difference to that town, we need to do that elsewhere too.”

  My heart races as I think about his words. Do I want to ask this? Do I want to know? I can feel my mouth speaking before I even say the next words. “What… what difference?”

  “Oh the money we’ve made is amazing. It seems to have opened up the town and brought many more people in. It’s like a hive of activity now.” I can’t imagine Lola’s home being so busy. I don’t know if I like the idea much. “You should go and check it out, you know. See the positive difference that you’ve made. Maybe it’ll help you when you need positivity to keep you going.”

  I gulp noisily. It would be so easy. I could g
o back, by chance, just to check up on the project, and if I saw her then it would just be one of those things… I could see how she’s doing, check that she doesn’t still hate me like I’m the worst person in the world, maybe I could see if she even might still like me… maybe a second time around I won’t pick my career over love. Maybe next time I will make the right choice.

  “No,” I rasp with a shake of my head. “No, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  The idea is nice enough, but what if she does still hate me? Maybe she’s not even seen the lake or maybe she’s mad that I changed it. She’s certainly pissed that I left her. She could have text me, she’s had my number. I haven’t changed it for a year. I left her, I deserted her, and she hasn’t even asked me why. Maybe I don’t deserve her to, but the message is clear.

  “Okay, well whatever. That’s up to you.” Dad shrugs and smirks. “It’s going well anyway. Now we need to work on the next project.”

  As he spreads the plans out in front of me, and I try to see them for what they can be, my thumping head blurs my vision. I might want to be in the middle of this, I might want to be the man that my father wants me to be, but it doesn’t seem like I am. With every single day that passes, I realize that more and more, but I don’t know what else I can do…

  Eventually, thankfully, the meeting comes to an end and I make my way out of my father’s giant office and into my own. When my dad gave me this room it felt like something special, something that made me important, but now I know that it’s just four, meaningless walls. A ceiling, a desk, a computer, all that means nothing.