When wrong feels so right

by Mia Ford

  “Me?” I take a tentative step closer to her. “I live here. What are you doing here?”

  Her expression hardens. I can almost see the shitty way that I left her spinning through her mind. I want to reach out to her, to touch her, to try and connect with her again, but I know it’s the wrong thing to do. I know she’ll snatch her arm away as if she’s been burned and the way that my fragile heart is hammering, I don’t think I can take it.

  “I’m here for my father,” she says quietly. “He needs to see a specialist.”

  I part my lips, wondering if I should offer to pay again, almost as an automatic reaction, but I quickly stop myself at the last moment. We aren’t in that place anymore… to be honest I don’t know if we were in that place ever. I think I overstepped even then.

  “Oh right, I see. That’s… I’m sorry to hear that. I hope he’s doing okay.”

  “He will be, I hope. I guess we’ll just have to see.”

  I nod a few times, wondering what I should say next. This is the second chance that I’ve always wanted, that I never knew I would ever get. I could explain now, I could tell her that I made a mistake when I left her behind, when I decided to pick my career over my love life, but hearing it in my mind with her standing in front of me, they just sound like pathetic excuses. There are so many ways I could have apologized for that, so many times I could have made it okay, but I didn’t. I’m a pitiful human being.

  “Did you want to…” I start, about to break the ice and just offer for her to come out for a drink with me. I hope that when we loosen the tension around us, we might actually be about to make things okay, but I don’t get to finish my sentence.

  “Oh, Brandon!” Franko’s voice rings out as he crackles loudly and grabs my shoulder. He might be fun, but it seems that he’s rubbish at reading the room. “You are coming out for my birthday, right? That little hot thing that works for you, Sandi with the big boobs.” I slide my eyes closed in dismay at his horrible way of describing my personal assistant… in front of Lola too. Now she’ll think I’m a sexist pig. Probably me too. “Well she told me that you were hesitant at first, but now you’re all for it.”

  “Oh well…” I don’t know anymore, things have changed now. I shrug, but Franko doesn’t seem to sense my hesitancy.

  “Good, because it isn’t a night without you. You’re always the wild one who makes things get crazy. Oh and between you and me, Sandi is seriously hot for you.” Oh God, this man needs a punch just to shut him up. “Actually that isn’t between you and me, she’s been telling everyone for weeks how she wants to ride you. I think that you’re in for another hot affair.”

  He pats me again then walks off, calling out how he’ll see me later as he goes. He blows in like a hurricane, then swishes out again leaving a God damn trail of destruction behind him. I don’t even need to look at Lola again to know that she’s disgusted in me. She never got to know the playboy version of me. The man that she spent time with was someone better.

  “Well, it sounds like you have a fun night ahead of you,” she says coldly, not even meeting my eyes as she does. “I better not interrupt.”

  “No, wait.” She takes a step away from me but I reach out to grab her arm to stop her. “Please, Lola. You can’t just go. You can’t just breeze into my life and leave again without giving me a chance to explain.”

  “I’m not here for you,” she snaps angrily. “I came here for my father. If I wanted to see you, I would have contacted you, wouldn’t I? But I didn’t. I wouldn’t want to speak to someone who thinks it’s okay to just vanish without even saying goodbye.”

  That causes my hand to fall away from her because I know that she’s right. I did leave her. I did run away like a coward without even explaining. I should be punished for that. She should hate me. I wish I could be better for her but I can’t. I can’t be what she wants.

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper back to her “I know I don’t deserve it, but please just give me a chance to explain. I want to tell you why…”

  “You’ve had a whole year to tell me why.” She holds up a bag of pills to me. “Now I need to get back to my dad because he needs me, or did you forget all about my complicated life when you left to come back to a life of partying and screwing poor innocent girls who work for you. Real classy of you by the way.”

  “That’s not me. That’s just what Franko said…”

  “So you’ve never done that?” She throws her hands onto her hips angrily, knowing that she has me pinned into a corner. I have acted that way before, I have been that person. But I’m not anymore. How can I make her understand that? “Just what I thought…”

  Ring, ring… Ring, ring…

  I grab my cell phone out of my pocket, trying to end the call rapidly before it fully interrupts my conversation with Lola, but not before she catches the name on the screen.

  “Sandi. So it wasn’t just Franko then?”

  “She’s my personal assistant. She calls me all the time.”

  But as I think about the way that I left things, with a promise that maybe something that might happen between us, which I said with my eyes if not my words, and the words fall apart guiltily on my lips. It isn’t what she thinks, but at the same time I’m not totally innocent either.

  “Right, well I have everything that I need now so I don’t need to be in this store anymore. I can’t stick around with you having this pointless conversation. We haven’t seen one another in a year, so why we’re arguing I don’t know.” She pushes past me and makes her way towards the door. As she goes I can feel her, and my second chance, slipping away, but for some reason my feet are frozen to the spot. I can’t seem to make my body move however hard I try. “I would say that it’s been good seeing you, Brandon, but just like last time it hasn’t.”

  As she opens the door and lets a cold blast of air inside, I shiver. But I don’t think that it’s a chill from the weather, I think it’s the horror of her words. She thinks our time together was horrible, judging by the look in her eyes, she doesn’t remember anything good about it. How can I ask her if she’s seen the lake now when she looks so distraught by me?

  Damn it, it wasn’t ever supposed to be like this.

  When me and Lola started seeing one another, that’s all it was. Some time to have some fun together. A short term fling that neither of us would read too much into. She needed some fun and I needed a distraction to get through my time in her town. It wasn’t supposed to be something that left us both scarred. We got in too deep and it left things messy and awkward. Even though we don’t live near each other for it to affect us all the time, it seems that we’re still both incredibly affected by it.

  As I turn back to pay for the headache pills that I have in my hand, I almost trip up over something left on the ground. It glints in the light so I bend down to pick it up. It’s a key, and judging by the key ring attached to it, it belongs to a motel not too far away from here. It must be the place that Lola and her father are staying in.

  My heart races in my chest, anxiety courses through my veins. I realize now that I have another option. I could answer my cell phone that’s ringing again in my pocket, undoutably Sandi who’ll want to confirm that I’m still going out tonight because clearly she’s more than keen to hook up, I could hand the keys in to the pharmacist here and cut all ties with Lola forever. I could accept that it’s too difficult which means we definitely aren’t meant to be…

  Or I could give it a go. I could chase after her and really apologize.

  My heart hammers violently, my mouth runs completely dry, and my brain races. My thoughts dart back and forth, from decision to decision. I know what I want to do, I always thought if I was given a second chance I would take it, but now that it’s here I don’t know if it’s a good plan. I don’t know if it’s sensible to try and push thing that seems desperately done. Maybe what I should do is just let it go. Maybe this moment is only supposed to be closure.

  “That’s a dollar,” the man says grumpil
y to me. “For the pills.”

  “Oh right.” I almost forgot where I was while I suffer through my personal dilemma. “Yes, of course.” I hand him the cash with a strange look on my face. “Thank you.”

  “Are you okay? Do you need some help?”

  I shake my head. I can almost feel the color draining from my cheeks. I feel sick, but I’m not. I’m just confused. “I don’t know. I don’t think so. I just… I’m sorry I have to go. Thank you.”

  I turn on my heels and stomp off rapidly with the keys still clutched between my fingers. Screw closure. It’s only closure if I decide it’s closure and I damn well don’t. Lola burst into my life and she changed me, she’s turned me into someone different and I want to be that man. I don’t want to be the idiotic party boy anymore, that just isn’t me. Maybe it’ll turn out that me and Lola aren’t meant to be but I need to give it a shot. I can’t spend another day wondering what if? I need my answers and I need them now.

  I’m coming for you, Lola. I need to speak to you and this time I’m really hoping that you’ll listen to me.

  Chapter 19 – Lola

  I stomp with rage down the street, hating the world as I make my way back to the motel. I shouldn’t have come out, I don’t know why I thought it would be a good idea. I also don’t know how I thought I’d escape seeing him in this whole city. It doesn’t matter how many people are here, we’re pulled to one another like magnets. Even if we want to repel each other, we can’t.

  Well, at least I know now that it’s a good thing me and Brandon didn’t work out. He did me a favor by sneaking off in the middle of the night without saying goodbye. Maybe my heart was shattered in the process, but it saved me trying to do the long distance thing. I never could’ve made that work with a man who sleeps about. I never could have trusted him.

  Asshole, I think as a burning redness clouds my vision. What an asshole!

  Hate burns in my chest, it aches and agonizes. I hate him with every single bit of me. I hate him so much it makes me want to cry. I can feel myself shaking violently as I move. I need to get out of here, I need to get this treatment done for Dad and leave as quickly as I possibly can.

  Once the flickering, half broken lights of the motel come into view, I pause for a moment to calm myself down. I suck in a couple of deep breaths and I try to slow my heart rate. I can’t let my father see me this way, all tied up in stressed knots. It’ll hurt him and he’s going through enough. I’m reminded once more that this trip isn’t about me. I don’t need to think about any of this. I just need to push Brandon to the back of my mind, where he’s been for the last few months.

  I clutch the bag tighter between my fingers and I take the last few steps, closing the gap between me and the front door. Then I reach into my pocket to grab out the keys to the room…

  “Oh shit,” I mutter to myself as I desperately grab around only to grab nothing. “Oh my God. Where are they? What the hell?”

  I clap my hand to my forehead as I realize that somewhere along the way I must have dropped them. The thought of making the journey all the way back to the pharmacist where he was makes me feel sick. Of course he probably isn’t there anymore, he’s probably at the party getting a blow job from his beautiful, young assistant. Still, I don’t want to be anywhere he is. Or was. Or might be.

  I knock on the door a few times, and press my ear up against the door to listen for movement inside. There’s nothing, my dad must still be asleep. Of course he is, and he’s a heavy sleeper too which leaves me pretty much screwed.

  Before I start on the long, and quite frankly humiliating, journey back to the drug store, I decide to try the reception desk. They must have a spare key which I can use for now, then I can go and search for the keys later on or in the morning, when I’m more certain that he’ll be gone.

  It’s dark and dingy when I get inside the reception area, and the girl behind the desk doesn’t even bother to look up when she spots me, but I don’t let that derail me.

  “Erm, excuse me?” I ask quietly. Still she ignores me. “Excuse me, miss?”

  With an angry sounding sigh she drags her eyes away from the magazine she’s reading and she stares at me. She blows a bubble with her gum and pops it loudly. It’s things like this that remind me that while I’ve earned some money to help my dad, I haven’t earned much. Not enough to afford us somewhere nice to stay.

  “What can I do for you?” she snaps sarcastically.

  “I have erm.” I have a feeling that saying I lost the key won’t work out well. “I’ve locked myself out of my room. My dad’s in there but he’s asleep.”

  She rolls her eyes and pops her gum again. “Whatever, what room are you in?”

  “Two five eight.”

  She opens a box and takes out a key before giving it to me. “If both keys don’t come back, you’ll be charged for it. I’m making a note now.”

  Right, so I am going to have to get the other key back somehow. I suppose if I actually want to retrieve it then I’ll have to go now. If I dropped it on the street while stomping in a temper, then I need to get it back before anyone else picks it up. Plus, I suppose anyone could get it, then me and dad would be in danger all night long. Well, all the tie we’re in the room.

  It might make me feel exhausted, but I still have to do it.

  I get back to the room and unlock the door. Dad is still there, asleep in the chair as if he hasn’t even noticed me gone. I smile to myself, glad that at least he’s okay now, and put the bag down in front of him. Then, just before I leave I take the seat opposite him. I watch him breathing in and out for a while, just wishing that I could take away his pain. If I had more money, if I’d made something of my life, then maybe I would be able to.

  Right, I need to go, I think as I stand back up again. My legs protest wearily, but I force them to keep on moving. The last thing I can afford right now is a fee for a room key. All of this is crushing me as it is. Get the key, then come back and shut the world out.

  All I want to do is lock away the world, that’s how I’ve been feeling ever since I got here, but things keep preventing me from doing so.

  “Oh.” As soon as I get outside, the urge to run back in to slam the door closed intensifies. This is one thing in the world I want to avoid, but it’s here, right outside my door. “Brandon. What are you doing here?”

  “I…” He holds out the key to me, making my heart sink and rise all at the same time. “I found your key at the drug store and I thought you might need it back.”

  “Right, thank you.” That’s sweet, he came all the way here to give me the key. But I don’t want him to be sweet when actually he’s been cruel. “Erm, yeah thanks. That saves me from going out to find it.”

  I should go inside now, I know that, but I don’t. Something’s keeping me fixed in one place, looking at him. Waiting for him to say something.

  “Right, good. And…” He pauses thoughtfully for a moment. “I guess I just want to say I’m sorry for the crappy way things went. Before and now. I never should have left. Not in the way that I did.”

  “No, you shouldn’t.” My tone is firm and cold. “But it doesn’t matter, does it? We were never supposed to be anything. Nothing but a fling.”

  The thought that was once so exciting to me, the idea of an anonymous fling, now feels dirty and sick. I never really wanted it to be that way between me and him, I think I figured that much out from the beginning. I didn’t ever want to be just another notch on his bed post. But that’s what I am. That’s what I became anyway.

  He steps closer to me with a softened expression and I straighten my back so he can’t see me softening inside. I don’t want to be weak, I don’t want him to get the better of me, but I can feel it happening all the same.

  “I think we both know it wasn’t just a fling, don’t we? I think we both know it quickly became something more.” I don’t know what to say to that. I can hardly breathe under the pressure of him standing so close to me. “I know it got messed up at
the end, but it wasn’t always that, was it? We had fun, didn’t we?”

  I shake my head, trying to get rid of all the good thoughts. I have a horrible feeling that he’s just trying to win me around now so he can get me back into bed while we’re here. I’m probably some sort of challenge, or something. He’ll spend an hour or so with me, then get to his party and his PA like some horrible rich man cliché.

  “I guess so, but that’s a long time ago now. Lots has happened since then.” I mean, not to me but he doesn’t need to know that. “So, it hardly matters, does it?”

  “I think it does.” I want to stop the stream of words from coming out of his mouth, but I don’t know how. I stuff my hands into my pockets and barely listen to him talk instead. “I think it matters a lot. That’s why I did the lake.”

  The lake… he’s talking about the lake.

  “I… didn’t see it,” I lie. “I didn’t see the lake at all.” He gives me a look which suggests he can see right through me so I relent. I don’t like lying about the place that’s very important to me. “Okay, so I did see it once. Or twice, but it isn’t the easiest place in the world for me to go. All the memories of Mom and… you know.”

  I glance downwards because I don’t want him to see me getting all choked up. I hate that I’m so emotional, I really don’t want him to see me this way.

  “Yeah, I’m sorry. I don’t know how much I thought it through really, I just wanted to do something nice for you. I didn’t think of the possible after effects.”