When wrong feels so right

by Mia Ford

  “Who is the specialist?”

  I pull out the card from the bag and read out the name to him “Doctor Munday. It’s the best person we could afford. She’s very good though. Or at least I think she is.”

  “I can pay for better.” His words stun me to the core although I’m not sure why. This is exactly the sort of thing that Brandon does. I don’t want to get sucked in a second time thought because it doesn’t mean he cares. Even his words don’t. He didn’t ever say anything quite so intense the last time we spent time together, but that doesn’t mean that I’m going to instantly trust him now. “I can pay for the best of the best, really get him some help.”

  “No I don’t think…” I try to stop him in his tracks, but Brandon’s on a roll.

  “Oh I wouldn’t be doing it for you, I’d be doing it for him. He’s a great guy who’s always been good to me and I’d like to do this for him. I’ll get him the best treatment with a private room and I’ll put you up in a hotel nearby.” He holds up his hand to stop me from talking. “I know that you’re already ready to shut me down, but before you do I just want you to think about it. If you say no, it’ll be selfish. It isn’t really your future you are playing with. Don’t you think your dad would like to have something like a quality of life back again?”

  “You can’t do that to me,” I exclaim. “That isn’t fair. He’s so proud that he’d probably say no anyway. I don’t know if he’d want to take your money. And we’re fine here. We’re quite settled in the motel to be honest.”

  Brandon leans forwards in his chair and he smirks at me. “That’s why you have to be the one who says yes. It’s up to you to give him that chance. Then we can just not tell him what’s really going on. And if you’d rather stay here, just stay here.”

  “I think he might notice…”

  “Maybe, but it’ll be done then.” He wiggles his eyebrows at me. “Come on, you haven’t worked your ass off to get nowhere, have you?”

  Damn it, it’s like he can see right through me. I think I had that exact thought myself. It would be so easy to cave to what he’s offering, to fall for it and let my dad have the best of the best, but then I’ll be stuck spending a lot of time with Brandon, and much as I’m managing to be strong now, I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep it up for an extended period of time. How is anyone supposed to continually resist such a hard pull? It just isn’t possible.

  “I don’t know,” I eventually reply cautiously. “I feel like I already owe you enough. You might never have told me, but I know you paid the bill last time, and I’ve constantly felt guilty that I haven’t been able to pay you back.” Well, apart from the times when I wanted to kill him for being so heartless, but this isn’t the time to bring that up. “I don’t know if I want more hanging over my head.”

  “I didn’t tell you because I don’t want you to pay me back. That was the whole point of that. I can afford it anyway, what’s the point of having all this money if I can’t do any good with it? This is how I want to spend what I’ve earned.”

  He extends his hand for me to shake it, sealing the deal, but I don’t at first. I pause, I rack my brain for any logical reason why I shouldn’t do this, but I just can’t find any. None that aren’t selfish anyway. If I can’t spend a bit of time with this man who maybe isn’t quite the devil I remember him as, for the sake of my dad, then what sort of daughter am I?

  “Fine.” I grab his hand and shake it once. “We’ll do this, but if I want to stop at any time, you have to respect my choice without asking questions.”

  “I will.” His face breaks into a big, bright smile. “I can promise you that much.”

  Just as I’m about to slide my hand away, he yanks me close to him. I fall against his body and allow him to embrace me for just a second. Electricity bursts through my body and all the old memories of him touching me everywhere and making me feel incredible, float to the surface. I slide my eyes closed and just remember, for only a second.

  Who would have thought that this is where tonight would end? Me in Brandon Heath-Smith’s arms.

  Honestly, if someone would have told me as much, I would have called them insane. Yet here I am, doing just that.

  But soon I have to pull away, before I fully mold into him. This is complicated enough, I don’t want to make it a million times worse by adding my feelings back into the mix. Never again, I can’t let myself get hurt a second time. I’ll never survive it.

  Chapter 22 – Brandon

  God, it feels good to be doing something positive. It actually feels amazing. I feel more alive than I have been in a very long time. As I watch Lola walk with her father into the room of the doctor I’ve paid for them to see, there’s an intense warmth in my chest that I’ve never experienced before. I love it. I want to grab onto it and have more of it. It’s delicious.

  “We’ll be back in a moment,” Lola calls out behind her, with a happiness shining in her eyes. She’s warming to me, which is wonderful. “Thank you, Brandon.”

  “No worries,” I reply with a bright smile. “Take as long as you want.”

  I sit back in my seat, thinking about how I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else in the world. Yes, I could be in the office, sitting behind my desk making important sounding decisions and impressing my father… but is that really what I want? I know now, more than ever before, that it doesn’t make me happy. Okay, so I might not know what does make me happy, but at least I’m one step closer.

  Ring, ring… Ring, ring…

  I roll my eyes and grab my cell phone out of my pocket and I make my way outside. I don’t know if answering a call is still taboo in surgeries anymore, but I just don’t want to risk it. I don’t want to wreck anything in here, not when it cost me a fortune to get such a rush appointment with this well renowned doctor.

  “Hello?” I answer the moment I step outside. “Sandi, is everything okay?”

  “Where are you?” she whines. “It’s hard for me to be your PA when you aren’t here.”

  Urgh, she doesn’t care at all. She isn’t exactly hard worker of the century, this is more about her disappointment in me than anything else. I haven’t heard anything directly but the rumors suggest that she’s more than upset that I didn’t go to Franko’s party.

  “I told you, I’m out this morning. I’ll be back this afternoon. There’s always plenty of paper work that needs filing. You can’t be that bored, can you?”

  I can hear the irritating sound of her long fake nails banging against the desk. “Yes, I suppose so. What am I supposed to tell your father if he comes around?”

  Tension coils in my chest, just as it always dies when I think about letting down my father, but it untwists and floats away just as quick, which is unusual. I start to think that maybe I might be letting go off all my self doubt after all this time. Something I never thought would happen.

  “Don’t worry about him. Just tell him to call me,” I reply sharply. “If he’s that bothered about where I am he’ll contact me himself.” Despite my bravery, I hope he doesn’t. One step at a time. “Thank you, Sandi, I’ve got to go now okay? I’ll see you later.”

  “Yeah, okay. I’ll see you later. Don’t be too long, okay?”

  I want to be long. In fact I don’t want to go back at all. I want to throw that side of my life aside so I can try to figure out where my dreams and my heart really lies. I have the money, I could do it, but there’s something holding me back for a moment. I think I just need to hold my horses for the moment so I don’t do anything wild. Once I figure out what I want to do, then I can start taking steps.

  “Yep, sure. Bye.”

  Once I hang up the phone I remain where I am for a few moments, rolling back and forth on the balls of my feet while I think. I’m changing, I can feel myself becoming something better, bursting out of my shell. It’s cool. I like it. The last year of my life has been really gray, dull without any color, and now that Lola’s back the color has burst back into my vision. I feel like maybe I can be
the man I was back when we spent time together. I want to be that person, that’s the best version of me.

  Right, time to get back inside, I think to myself with a smile. Find out how Lola is.

  ***

  It takes some time, I’m in the waiting room for ages, but I don’t mind. It all gets even better when Lola and her dad come back out and they both look filled with positivity. It’s as if a weight has been lifted from their shoulders, which is wonderful to see.

  Lola even races to my side and throws her arms around me. “Oh my God, that was so good, Brandon. You have no idea.” She squeezes tighter, wrapping her fingers around me. “Thank you so much, I don’t know how I can ever repay you.”

  “You don’t have to.” I lean down and whisper into her ear. Her hair blows out as my breath tickles her neck. “Just to see you happy is enough.”

  She pulls back to look at me and I can see a light dancing in her eyes. “Even Dad is happy, aren’t you?” Lola turns to look at him but doesn’t give him a chance to answer. She’s too excitable for words. “The doctor was great, he had loads of great advice and exercises to try. Oh, and he’s changed all the meds around too so that should make a difference.” She slips her hand into mine and she pulls me towards her like she can’t get enough of me, which is a sensation I’d almost forgotten. “Come on, let’s go and get some cake to celebrate.”

  I’m not complaining as she walks along holding onto my hand like I’m her boyfriend, while also linking her father’s arm. It feels nice, it reminds me of how things used to be. When we were in her town, when things were perfect, this is like that. I don’t want it to end.

  “Where are you taking us?” I ask Lola with a laugh. “You’re acting like a crazy person.”

  “I know, but I just feel so good.” She points to the nearest café. “That’ll do. Let’s go in there.” She doesn’t give any of us a choice, she yanks us in. “You guys go and get a table, I’ll go and get drinks and cake.”

  I take Lola’s dad to sit down, and once we’re both comfortable, I give him a look. “Well, that went very well, I take it?”

  He laughs, a musical sound that sounds really genuine. It makes me realize that all the other times he’s been happy it’s been veiled with agony. “I know, Lola is a bit excitable, isn’t she? She was very enthusiastic in the doctor’s office, especially when he gave us some new ideas. He’s a great doctor, one that I’m sure is out of Lola’s price range, but she keeps insisting that she’s fine.”

  I nod silently. I did ask her to keep my money a secret from her father because if he’s a proud man, like Lola keeps telling me that he is, then it’ll be a bit weird. He’s not an idiot, I’m sure he knows, but it works out better for us all if we just keep things on an even keel. I like helping him, I don’t want him to feel like he owes me anything. That isn’t why I’m doing it at all.

  Huh… I like helping people. I wonder if that’s something to focus on…

  It’s a bit of a revelation, but not one that I can deal with right now. That’s something that’ll take a lot of thought. Now I just want to focus on this right here.

  “Well, Lola is sensible. I’m sure if she’s said that, then it’s fine…”

  “Yeah, maybe.” He nods. “We’ll see. I do have to admit that I’m feeling more positive myself. I’ve now got access to stuff that I wouldn’t have before.” He pauses for a moment before he starts again. “I do want to get better for Lola. She’s done so much for me, you know taking care of me and looking after the farm to keep us going. I think if it wasn’t for her, I would’ve given up a long time ago. Maybe even when my wife died.”

  “Who’s looking after the farm at the moment?” I ask. “I didn’t think about that!”

  “Oh a young lad who lives a few doors down. Tim is his name and he’s just finished school and he needs something to keep him busy. It isn’t a hard farm to look after since we don’t have much there anymore.”

  The thought of Tim taking some of the responsibility off of Lola’s shoulders makes me want to smile. I hope that’s giving her more chance to play her music. Maybe. Although it does seem like maybe she’s just taken on more work to pay for her father’s treatment instead.

  “Oh well that’s good. I know this isn’t exactly a vacation for you guys but I hope you’re getting some time to relax as well.”

  “Well, we are right now.”

  He leans back in his seat as Lola comes over with the drinks and cakes. As I glance up at her I can’t help but join in with her very infectious smile. She looks more beautiful than ever now that she’s happy. It makes me realize that she isn’t just my cowgirl fantasy and that she never has been. She’s so much more. Now, she’s in much plainer clothes, but with that happiness shining in her gaze she’s gorgeous. All I want to do is kiss her.

  God I wish I could kiss her.

  “This is so awesome isn’t it?” she almost squeals as she sits down. “I really feel like things are going to go well from here.”

  Her hand falls onto mine, almost as an automatic reaction and as it does I notice her father giving me a look. A happy look actually, like he approves of our union. He seemed happy to see us together before though, and I can’t help wondering if he’d still feel the same way if he knew the truth about how I left last time. It makes me want to sit down and explain to him why I did what I did. I want to make him see that it was all just a mistake and that I understand that now. I was an idiot, and I won’t make that mistake again, but of course I can’t do that here and now.

  “You know, you two should really go out to celebrate tonight,” he shocks us both by saying. “Maybe go to dinner and have a few drinks.”

  Lola snatches her hand away like she’s been electrocuted. “But, Dad, I can’t. I have to look after you.”

  “Kid, I’m tired,” he tells her in a slightly weary, probably put on, tone. “I need my rest. You two need to have some fun. How often are we in the city, Lola? How often do you go out? I want to see you finally have some fun. You’ve always been looking after people. First your mom and now me…”

  “But I don’t mind…”

  “I know you don’t, but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to enjoy yourself too.”

  “I would like that,” I tell her in the hope that it’ll make it easier. “I know some great places to eat and drink. I could show you around a bit.” She looks at me out the corner of her eye and bites down on her bottom lip. A pink blush tinges her cheeks which makes me assume that she’s at least considering it. “What do you say?”

  “She says yes,” her dad replies on her behalf. “Trust me, Lola, you say yes. You have to do this for me anyway. I’m asking it of you. You can’t refuse your old man, can you?”

  She sighs loudly as if it pains her, but finally she nods. “Fine. I’ll go.”

  And with that, my heart soars.

  Chapter 23 – Lola

  What have I agreed to? I think with a head shake as I pull my dress over my head. I’m supposed to be avoiding Brandon, not spending more time with him! I’m also really concerned that I might have given him the wrong end of the stick by being all touchy feely with him today. That was just an accident, I was all happy about seeing the doctor and grateful to him for helping that happen.

  “You look nice,” Dad calls out from behind me. “That dress looks awesome on you.”

  I spin around and give him a glare. “Dad, I really feel like this is your fault.”

  “What? I encouraged you to go out for a night of fun.” He rolls his eyes and tries to act all innocent. Does he honestly think I don’t know what he’s doing? “You need it.”

  “A night of fun? Just funny that it’s with Brandon. Are you trying to encourage something?” I might as well dive right in and find out the truth. “What do you think will happen tonight? You do remember what happened last year, don’t you?”

  Dad blushes a little and looks away from me. “Okay, I’ll admit it, I might be trying to push you and Brandon together.” I
cross my arms angrily across my body. “But that’s because I really think there might be something there between you. Of course, I haven’t forgotten what happened last year, I know how sad it made you, but I’m also one for second chances. It’s obvious he knows that he’s made a mistake and it seems to me that he wants to make it up to you.” I roll my eyes in a dramatic fashion, but that doesn’t stop him from continuing. “I think you should give him a chance.”

  I blow out a deep breath of air and let his words wash over me. “I don’t know, Dad. It isn’t that simple, is it? He broke my heart when he left before and I don’t know if I can trust him not to do that again.”

  Dad leans onto his knees with his elbows and he holds out his hands to me. I don’t have a choice but to go and hold them so I can really listen to what he has to say. I might not want to hear it, but my father has no intention of letting me get away with that.

  “Love never runs smooth,” he tells me simply as if it’s completely obvious. “Anyone that tells you their love story was a smooth one is lying.”

  “But what about you and Mom?” I whine a bit pitifully. “Didn’t you just see one another, fall in love, and make a long distance thing work?”

  He shrugs. “Maybe that’s how I made it sound, but I was lying. I didn’t mean to lie, but now that Denise has gone is easy to see things through rose tinted glasses. We went back and forth for a bit, both of us were unsure about whether or not it was worth it. We even dated other people in between.”