When wrong feels so right

by Mia Ford

  “Yeah… see you then.”

  Chapter Sixteen – Prudence

  My whole body trembles as I make my way into the spare bedroom in Logan’s home. I’m all lit up, electrified, I feel like I am absolutely on fire. I cannot believe how this night has gone. One moment I was at my new apartment, feeling like shit as terror coursed through my veins, and now I’m in Logan’s home after just kissing him… oh my God, I cannot believe that I just did that!

  I kissed Logan, I think with a bright smile on my face as I collapse back onto the warm, cozy bed sheets. I leaned up and I kissed him… and it felt absolutely incredible.

  I bring my fingers up to touch my lips as they buzz with the memory of Logan there. It wasn’t a passionate, sexy kiss or anything like that, but it was my very first. I’m so happy that it was with him, I don’t think there’s anyone else in the world I would much rather be with. Maybe now he would really see that I’m an adult, someone that he should actually consider to be his. I’m sure he looked at me differently then, I really think I spotted something new there. I think he might want me.

  I squeeze my thighs together as my pussy pulses with need, there’s an intense aching between my legs that’s more powerful than anything I’ve ever experienced before. At first it feels like something I need to hide, something I’m going to have to disguise just like every single time I get a burst of desire… but then I remember that I’m not in the center anymore, I’m not sharing a room with loads of other people… I’m completely by myself. I’m alone in Logan’s room.

  I twist back over and lie flat on my back with my legs fallen far apart. I don’t really know what I’m doing, I just know that it’s something I want to experience. My fingers touch my lips, and I picture him there again. Only this time he’s kissing me deeply, with his hand hooked around the back of my head to hold me in place. He’s claiming me, needing me there, and I absolutely love it. I want him to control me because he knows what he’s doing way more than me.

  Then my fingers slowly trace down my neck and I loll my head to one side, imagining Logan’s incredible lips brushing all over me. My hips buck off the bed as the intensity gets the better of me. I can barely stand it any longer. I cannot believe that I’ve gone all this time without ever doing this before. My hand moves lower down and I grab onto my breast. I feel a little bit like a freak doing that, but it feels so good. My hard nipple bursts hard against my hand, and every time I scrape past it I can’t help but shudder. It’s crazy, I’m like a sex fiend, an animalistic freak and I love it. I slide my eyes closed and I cave into the feelings completely. I’m a slave to how Logan has me feeling.

  “Oh God,” I mutter quietly to myself, my breaths gasping desperately. “Oh, Logan.”

  There isn’t any other man I would like to do this with. I don’t feel desire for anyone else, it’s only him that makes me feel this way and that’s special. I dive my hand lower, towards my panties where I’m now feeling aggravated. I’m frustrated I’m so needy, I can’t hold back any longer.

  “Oh yeah, touch me there,” I murmur, pretending to talk to Logan. “Right there.”

  I brush my fingers along the edge of my panties, lightly touching the wisp of hair in there. It isn’t an area of my body that I usually pay any attention to so it feels even more incredible. I crawl down slowly, moving in a tantalizingly slow manner. I can’t wait, but at the same time I’m taking my time, dragging out the sensation for as long as humanly possible. I don’t want it to be over.

  “Oh fuck.” Finally, I feel something wet and hot down there, and it makes my hips flip off the bed again. I run my finger up and down my slit loving the feel of it. “Oh, fucking hell, Logan.”

  I picture his hand pushing into me as he props himself above me. He stares deeply into my eyes, looking like he wants to roughly fuck me but he’s trying to be gentle. I don’t know what I want myself, I know that I need to be treated kindly but at the same time I want him to lose control.

  I push two fingers into me, imagining that it’s him doing that to me, and almost instantly my heart races violently against my rig cage. Butterflies flap in my stomach, I’m shivering and shaking, it feels so amazingly good. I massage my insides for a while, loving the sensations. God, I wish that it really was him. I really wish that Logan would burst through that door in a frenzy himself and he’d jump on the bed with me. I wish he would kiss me everywhere, all over my thighs, between my legs, the most special place where I would love to experience his lips and tongue right now.

  “Oh my God, Logan.” In my imagination, my mouth consumes me. “That feels so… so…”

  All of a sudden, an instinct takes control of my hands and I pull my fingers out of me. I rub slightly higher, finding a place that feels even better. I didn’t know it was possible but it’s wonderful. I feel like I’m a flower, opening up to this man who I want more than anything else in the world. My body is on fire, it’s exploding, it’s wonderful, it makes me feel like I’m actually in love.

  “Logan, I… I love you…” I murmur as a pressure builds up in my chest. A heat burns in my toes and it creeps up through my legs and up to my stomach. “I love you, please love me back.”

  In my mind, he leans down and he kisses my lips tenderly. He tells me that he has always loved me and that he intends to take care of me no matter what. That makes me feel amazing, all I’ve ever wanted is to be loved and now I finally have that. It’s absolutely everything to me. I’m so glad that I’m here with him rather than all by myself in that home where I don’t feel ready to grow up. Here, I’m exactly the adult that I need to be. He makes me the person I have always wanted to be.

  All of a sudden, I feel like I’ve been pushed over an edge and the pressure explodes and rolls over me in waves. It comes harder and faster, it doesn’t stop and I don’t want it to end. My fingers keep moving all over me, I can hear rasping moans coming out of my mouth. I have no idea how loud I’m being and to be honest I don’t care. There’s a big part of me that wants to be caught out. I want Logan to see me right now while I’m at my most vulnerable. After what happened in the kitchen before, after that amazing kiss, I want him to see what he’s done to me. I wish that he would stand in the corner of the room and watch me as I orgasm hard and fast because of him.

  Finally, the feelings subside and my breaths calm themselves down. My heart still pounds and my brain doesn’t get rid of the sexy images of me and Logan, but I become more myself. The animal inside of me is tamed for the time being, and all I have left is a smile on my face.

  I do love Logan, I think to myself with utter clarity. I really do, I want him to be mine.

  I slide my eyes closed again and I imagine his arms wrapping around me, holding me close to him while we lie down to sleep. That actually feels even better than what we just did which proves to me that I want it all. I want him to love me with absolutely everything that he has. I think he wants that too, but it might take him a little bit longer to admit it to himself.

  Still, I’m here now with him, far away from the center. We’re together in his house, just one step away from becoming a couple if he allows that to happen. I really hope that he does.

  ***

  The morning light streams through the window, alerting me to the morning. I must have forgotten to shut the curtains last night as I fell into bed in a hurry. I was so desperate to get some much needed relief, that nothing else mattered. It doesn’t bother me now though, I’m happy to be awake. I’m simply dragging myself away from dream Logan to be with the real him.

  I swing my legs over the edge of the bed and stand in a much more rapid motion than usual. When I woke up at the center, I would lie still for a while and wait for everyone else to start being loud because it was the only moment of peace that I was ever offered in my life. Now though, I have all the peace I want in the world, and I don’t want any of it. I just want to see Logan.

  I move towards the small mirror hanging on the wall and I stare at my reflection. My hair is manic, sticking
all over the place, and my face is all imprinted with prints from the pillow case, but my expression is so damn happy that none of that matters. I look shiny and new. I don’t even mind going to see Logan while I look this way. I want him to know that this smile is all for him.

  I tiptoe towards the bedroom door and press my ear up against it to see if I can hear noises. At first, it’s really silent, I think that Logan might still be asleep… or maybe he’s gone to work already, leaving me here all by myself. I don’t know if that’s better actually because it gives me some time to get adjusted, to make sure I’m actually acting like a normal person before I speak with him…

  But as I swing the door open, I’m stunned by the image of him sitting at his kitchen counter staring at the laptop screen intently as if he’s looking for the answer to life in there. He doesn’t notice me at first which gives me a moment to lean against the door frame while I drink every inch of him in. He’s so damn gorgeous it hurts. It kills me that I can’t simply cross the room and put my arms around him.

  “Oh.” All of a sudden, he senses me. “Pru, you’re up. Did you sleep well?”

  “Yeah, I did,” I smile. “Your bed is really comfortable. Thank you for letting me stay here. I never would have been able to get any rest while sleeping in my bed at the apartment.”

  He doesn’t say anything at first, he just stares back at the screen. I can’t help feeling disappointed that whatever he’s looking at seems to be so much more interesting than me. How is that fair? I’m standing here all flushed and excitable, happy for him, but he doesn’t even notice.

  “Can I have some coffee, please?” I ask while striding into the kitchen. I’ll make my presence known in one way or another. “Is that okay?”

  “Yeah sure,” he replied distractedly. “Then I want you to come and look at this. I think I might have found a new apartment for you.”

  Chapter Seventeen – Logan

  Pru’s expression turns to one of absolute horror. She reverts from the stronger, more confident woman that she’s slowly becoming to the scared young lady who doesn’t know what she’s doing with herself. I knew that her last apartment scared her, but this is something new, something else. This is an unbridled fear that seems to come from absolutely nowhere.

  “I’ll make sure it isn’t in a bad neighborhood,” I reassure her. “And I’ll help you out again, there isn’t anything that you need to worry about. I will look after you, I promise. Honestly, Pru, you must know by now that I’m not going to just toss you out there to deal with this on your own.”

  Pru clutches the empty mug between her fingers, staring up at me desperately. “Logan, I can’t.” She shakes her head rapidly. “I can’t do that, I don’t want to move out.”

  I narrow my eyes and try to work out what the hell is going on with her. When the fear completely floods her face, I close the laptop and bite down on my bottom lip. “Pru, what’s going on here? What are you trying to say? I’m doing my best to help you out but I can’t if I don’t know what you want to do. You can either go back to your apartment and try again, get a new one, or go back to the center and it seems to me that the last thing you want to do is go back.”

  “No, I definitely don’t want to go back… to the center or my apartment.”

  “Okay, so then we’ll have to look for something new. You have to live somewhere.”

  “Can’t I stay here?” she asks in a small tone of voice. “I like it here, I feel safe. I like being here with you, Logan, it’s the only time out in the city that I’m not scared.”

  A weird hollow feeling crushes my chest. After the kiss that we shared last night, one that definitely shouldn’t have happened, we cannot stay in the same house together. It’s a recipe for disaster. It was bad enough anyway, but now it’s utterly terrifying. I want to keep her here, of course I do, I would love nothing more than to watch over her all the time, but I have already proven to myself that I can’t do it. If I had the strength to stop myself from kissing her back then maybe I would be able to agree now, but I didn’t so now I can’t. I hate myself for it, but what choice do I have left? I’m going to have to disappoint her now so that we can both be free later on.

  “You know that you can’t, Pru,” I say with a shake of my head. “It isn’t appropriate.”

  “I’m not asking to stay forever.” She’s almost begging me now, she’s so desperate for me to agree that it’s hard to resist. “Just for a little while so I can get on my feet. Just while I… I start my new job and work out more about the city. I’ve been locked away for so long, I just need… I need some time. I need to get adjusted, this is all so… so new to me. Once I get used to it, I’ll be fine.”

  Her desperation tugs at my heart strings, it churns up all my emotions and leaves me stuck and confused. I don’t know what to think now, it’s all so messy. I don’t want to turn her away and make her life spiral, but I can’t do this. It isn’t right. Even if there wasn’t all this underlying weirdness there, it still isn’t right. I need to keep a professional distance at all times.

  “I understand that, Pru, but you must see why this is a tough situation for me.”

  “I know, I know.” Tears ball up in the corner of her eyes and I feel dreadful. “I know that I’m asking you to do too much for me, and that I shouldn’t but I’m scared. I’m trying so hard to step out into this bravely, but it isn’t as easy and straightforward as I thought it was going to be.”

  I turn away from Pru, knowing that if I keep staring at her I’ll crack, but still her face imprints in my mind. I can see the intense sadness, the horror, the hurt that she’s experiencing, it’s written all over her face like the pages of a tragic book. I promised to be the person to make this easier for her, and now I’m ripping the rug out from underneath her feet just as I put it there. I know that I should for myself, but it isn’t as simple as that. I mean, how truly important is my job if I can’t follow it right through to the very end? What sort of man does that make me?

  “It would only be until I get settled, I promise you that,” she says with a quiet voice. “I wouldn’t want to impose on you. I know you’ve already done so much for me.”

  I sigh loudly, breathing out my nose with frustration. There’s a piece of my heart that’s cracking and shattering into millions of shards. My head and heart wrestles and I let them duke it out for a while. I need to make the smart choice, not just the emotional one because I have an unhealthy attachment to Pru. But despite all my protests, my heart eventually wins me around.

  “Pru, if I let you stay here we have to… we must keep our distance from one another, do you understand that?” I cling onto the side to hold myself up. “We have to behave.”

  “What do you mean?” she asks, in a much too innocent voice. “Behave?”

  “I mean we can’t do anything like last night,” I continue through gritted teeth. “We can’t act like that around one another. It isn’t right, it isn’t proper. You must understand that.”

  Pru doesn’t answer me and a thick silence clings to the air. I don’t turn around at first because I don’t want to see the expression on her face. I’m hurting her, probably breaking her heart, but it’s for the best. At least if she’s here I can oversee everything and make sure that she doesn’t do anything crazy in the long haul to get over me. And she will get over me in the end. It might take her longer if she stays here, but it’ll be fine in the end. She’s much stronger than she knows.

  “Pru?” I ask, while tilting me head slightly. “Do you understand what I’m saying?”

  Still she says nothing, so I’m forced to turn back to see her. She hops from foot to foot, something that I’ve noticed she does when she gets nervous. My arms instinctively reach out to wrap around her, but I stop them at the last minute and I allow them to fall by my sides. That’s just the sort of shit that I was talking about, the stuff I really cannot do with Pru. I just need to keep away.

  “I do understand what you’re saying,” she says with a sorrowful voic
e. “And I know that you’re right. Last night was… it was my fault. I never should have… well, you know. I just wanted you to know how grateful I was. For letting me stay here and stuff. It didn’t mean… anything.” She’s lying, we both know that. “I won’t step out of line again. I just want to be somewhere I feel safe.”

  I can’t turn her down, I’ve never been very good at letting Pru down and it seems that this is the same right now. Even when absolutely everything is on the line I can’t say no.

  “And another thing, you cannot let anyone know that you’re here, do you understand? I can’t risk losing out on my job because I’ve allowed you to stay here. Your official address will be your apartment, okay?” I know I’m being firm, but that feels necessary to me right now.

  “Of course, I won’t tell anyone. It’ll be our little secret.” She delights in sharing a secret with me, but I try to ignore that. I also have to ignore the way it makes me feel inside too. “I’ll be good, I promise you and I’ll be out before you can ever get into any trouble. Thank you, Logan.”

  She takes a step closer to me which instantly makes me bolt up. The chasm of distance between us needs to be even bigger than ever. “I have to go to work,” I remind her. “But you don’t start today, do you?” She shakes her head rapidly. “Okay, well you stay here today. Just keep out of view, okay? And I’ll try my hardest not to be late back.” I cock my head curiously at her. “Will you be okay? You can take a shower, watch TV, read any books I have, or use the laptop. There’s plenty of food in the fridge and there are drinks, so I’m sure there’s nothing you need to go out for…”