When wrong feels so right

by Mia Ford

  I punch the shower wall, hating everything about myself. Things should be better out here than at the center, but they aren’t. I miss everything about being there, even Leah and her big mouth. That noise was better than the yelling followed by rampant sex I’m forced to hear all the time. And now, because of what’s happened, I can’t even go back for a visit. I can’t even see them because of Logan.

  Eventually, once I feel clean, I step out of the shower and I grab myself a towel. As I do every night I grab my cell phone and I stare at the screen, there’s only one message on there and it’s gone unreplied to for far too long: ‘Hi Logan, it’s Pru, Thank you so much for all the lovely things that you’ve done for me today. I appreciate it. X’ I keep wanting to send him another but I can’t see the point. Logan made it very clear that we’re done and I don’t think there’s anything I can do about that. He kicked me out, he severed all ties, and he’s given me no clue that things are about to change.

  I’m on my own. No doubt about it. All by myself in this big stupid world.

  Knock, knock. I glance towards the door in shock. Knock, knock.

  I don’t know who that could be, no one knows where I live aside from Logan, not even Alice. There isn’t anyone this can be. It won’t be him, I’m sure of it. It can’t be.

  “Hello?” I call out anxiously. No way I can answer the door without knowing exactly who’s on the other side of it. Especially not while I’m undressed. “Who’s there?”

  I grab a pair of sweat pants and throw them on my body, then I scurry around for a top.

  “Ma’am, it’s the police.” My heart stops absolutely dead in my chest. “We have been trying to get in touch with you for some time. Can we come in and have a chat, please?”

  The police? Since I haven’t been in trouble about anything, there’s only one thing this can be about and it’s the last thing I want to deal with. I cannot believe the center pushed it this far, especially when it’s long done which I assume they must know since he must have gone back to get his job. What the hell is the point of this aside from torturing and punishing me?

  “Erm, hang on a moment.” I really need to be dressed for this. “I’ll be right there.”

  “Okay, Ma’am, we’ll wait for as long as it takes.”

  Fuck, how the hell am I going to do this? What’s this going to be like? I scrabble around and grab things while my brain spins. Am I going to be in real trouble too? I guess I don’t really know anything. All I know is that I fell in love and that’s all that matters. But will they see it that way? I’m going to have to try. I’m going to defend my love until the bitter end no matter what it takes?

  I stare at my wrists quickly, imaging handcuffs around them. My God, what if I end up in jail? What if I get locked up in an institution again? Only a much worse one than before. It doesn’t bear thinking about. I can’t stand the idea of it, it absolutely terrifies me.

  I stare at the door for a moment, pausing, wondering if I’m letting in hell by opening it, but really, I know that I have to. I don’t have any choice but to face the consequences for what I’ve done. Logan has had to face it and now it’s my turn.

  Do this, I warn myself desperately. Face this, do it for him.

  ***

  I collapse into bed hours later, feeling all the emotional energy drain from my body completely. That was the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to but it’s over now. I managed to prove without a doubt that nothing happened while I was at the center and that the emails were merely a young girl reaching out to a friend that she could trust. I was honest too, mostly, I don’t think I fully explained how I felt about him then, but that’s my fault not his. He doesn’t deserve to be punished.

  I didn’t say much about what happened after we left the center because they didn’t ask me. That’s my business anyway, I was officially an adult by then. It was up to me what I do.

  It’s not going to go any further, thankfully that was something that I had to make a decision on which means I got to end it. Logan might not ever know what I’ve done but that hardly matters. I didn’t do it for recognition, I did it because it’s the right thing to do. For both of us.

  Of course there’s a part of me that wants to tell him, but that’s because I want to tell him everything I want to talk to him about all that happens in my life. But I can’t. It’s better if I try to get some sleep instead. I’m slowly recovering from my addiction to Logan, and I don’t want to go back.

  With a deep sigh, I click the cell phone off so I don’t even have the small temptation any more. Maybe it’s time for me to get a new one. Logan gave me this, it’s a constant reminder of him. Plus, if I have a new number I won’t be able to wonder all the time if he’s going to message me, because it’ll be impossible for him to do so. A clean break, that’s the way it needs to be. I have to accept that it’s time to give him up forever. It isn’t going to ever be how I want it to be.

  I will have tonight to mourn for one last time, but then I have to get over this. I need to make plans to actually move on. Maybe I should move house, leave the city, start afresh. Get a job I like, make friends that are closer to my age and that I have more in common with, girls I actually feel like I can be honest with, and maybe fall in love again… only this time with someone much more appropriate. Someone who can properly love me back and that the world won’t be against.

  As I close my eyes, I dream about that life. I imagine myself shaking off the shackles of the mess that I’ve made here, starting again in a brighter, happier life. I picture myself leaving all of this behind and forgetting about it. I don’t want to be the girl who runs away all the time, but maybe that’s what I need to be for the time being. Just until I finally get it right.

  That has to come eventually, right? There has to be a time when I get it right, when my life finally starts making sense. I can’t keep on making mistake after mistake forever. Surely?

  Chapter Twenty Seven – Logan

  I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, I really don’t. Despite my best efforts, I haven’t managed to get my job back but I actually ended up pushing so hard that Alexandra said she was alerting the cops to what had happened. I haven’t heard anything about it since, but I keep waiting for the day when they knock down my door to lock me up, Pru must want revenge on me by now.

  “You look a bit fucked up, if I’m honest,” my new best friend and fuck buddy, Cassie, or Snake Girl as I sometimes call her, says to me with a smirk. “Maybe it’s time for some water now?”

  I promised myself that I would keep away from her after the first time we did stuff, but then as I’ve proven to myself I can’t resist the people that I’m definitely supposed to be avoiding.

  “I don’t want water,” I growl in a sexy manner at her. “I want to go into the back with you.”

  Maybe it isn’t wise to lose myself in booze and fucking when I should be spending my time hunting for a new job, but I just can’t face it. I can’t stand waiting for the question of why I left my last job. I don’t want anyone to know about that at all. I just want to forget about it, to put it in the past. Even Pru, I wish she wasn’t in my mind all the time, I wish I could forget the love I have for her, but it gets stronger every single day. Without her is worse than with her.

  “You can’t come in the back with me, buddy, because the bar is full,” Cassie hisses back, seemingly getting irritated with me. The funny thing is I was scared of her becoming too attached to me, but it seems that I’ve become the crazed bunny boiler stalker who can’t let her go. It isn’t even her that I want, not really. But since I can’t have her, Cassie will do. I mean, she’s cool, she’s sexy and fun. What more could I want from a chick? Especially since she isn’t clingy. “I think it might be time for you to go, don’t you? You’ve had far too much. You better sleep it off.”

  “But I don’t want to sleep it off,” I pout like a child. “This sucks. I want another one.”

  Cassie slams her hands down on the bar and she stares at me. �
��Look, I’m not fucking around here. You’ve been in here for the last few weeks drinking until you’re stupid and making my job very difficult. I don’t want to be a dick, but you really have to go now.”

  Still, I don’t leave. I remain seated as an intense sadness flurries through me. If I go I have to be in my apartment alone, thinking about what I’ve lost then I’ll end up going insane. I thought that time alone would help me to recover from my feelings for Pru, I assumed that I would figure out that it’s just a phase, but it’s gone nowhere. It’s stronger than ever.

  “Dude.” Cassie clings onto my hands and she gives me an intense look. “I don’t know what is going on with you, but there’s clearly something that you need to sort out, and sitting here in the middle of this dive bar drinking your life away isn’t going to sort it. You are much too young for any of this shit, you do realize that, right? You need to solve this and move on.”

  Solve this? I wonder what needs to be solved more. I seemingly can’t fix my career so what the fuck can I do? The only other thing I want is Pru but she’s out of reach. I pushed her away and I fucked things up. How can I go back to her and say ‘oh sorry, I didn’t mean it. I thought I had to sacrifice you to keep on working, but I was wrong’? She’ll hate me even more than she does already.

  “I can’t fix it,” I tell Cassie sadly. “It’s too far gone, she doesn’t want to know.”

  “Women trouble,” she mutters under her breath. “I should have known. Look, if this chick is worth of all this, then she’s worth fighting for as well. You might think that it’s done, but you could be wrong. You won’t know until you try, will you? Isn’t it worth having a go?”

  Something about her words sets me free, she’s right about trying. I’ve been sitting here in a pool of misery, giving up. I’ve decided how Pru feels without even asking her. She probably hasn’t contacted me because I haven’t spoke to her, and I’m the one who freaked out and kicked her out. Maybe I should give her a chance to actually talk to me about how she feels. That would be the damn smart thing to do, I cannot believe that I didn’t think about it before.

  “You’re right,” I gush happily at Cassie. “Oh my God, you’re right. I do need to do that.” I slap my hand down and push myself up. “Yep, I’m going to go now. I’ll… I’ll sober up on the way, it’ll be fine.” I don’t want to pause, even if it’s the smart thing to do. “Thank you, Cassie.”

  As I run out of the bar, nothing has ever felt so right before. I can’t believe I haven’t done this yet, I’m such an idiot! What’s the point in sacrificing the only girl that I’ve ever loved for a job that doesn’t want me anymore? Why give up the only thing that’s ever brought me happiness? Pru is incredible, and perfect for me, and I think that I’m good for her too. In all honesty, that’s way more important than the rest of the bullshit. Maybe it took me a while to realize it, but I know now. This is what I need to do. I have to fight for the woman that I love, just like I should’ve been doing all along.

  It’s a long way, but I don’t even think about it. I start running. My brain is everywhere, darting in all directions, freaking out with nerves and excitement. Possible outcomes fill my mind and I have no idea which one of them will come true. Maybe it’ll be a happy ever after, the lovely end to a wonderful romance, or maybe it won’t. Maybe she won’t want to know me, maybe she’s already found someone else, maybe she’ll slam the door in my face… but at least I’ll have closure. I won’t have to keep wondering over and over again, asking myself ‘what if?’.

  It takes me a while to run out of breath, despite everything something must be keeping me going, but when I do it takes all that I have not to collapse onto the ground. The few weeks of living the unhealthy lifestyle of a drunk have finally caught up with me, and not in a good way.

  I give up, and I hail a cab. I need to get there quickly, even if it isn’t in the most heroic way. So much time has been wasted already, it’d be silly to bypass even another moment.

  By the time the cab driver drops me off near where Pru lives, I feel a little less chaotic. The manic side of me has died down as I’ve sobered up and now I feel a lot more rational. This is still something that I really want to do though, that hasn’t changed just because I’m calmer. Once all of this is over, whatever way it goes, I need to thank Cassie for giving me a much needed kick, up the ass. She got through my saddled brain and made me realize that I’ve been a fool.

  I glance around, feeling ill as I recall just how crappy Pru’s neighborhood is. No matter what had happened, I never should’ve kicked her out and sent her back here. I should’ve found her somewhere new to live like I promised her I would. Somewhere much nicer. She’s too good to be in a hell hole like this. I feel like I’ve been gut punched as I try to accept what I’ve done, all through my own selfishness. When I got the news of my firing I only thought about how it affected me, not her.

  I hope this is something that I can make right, I think to myself as I plough on, needing to see her face even more desperately now. I hope she doesn’t hate me.

  As I walk through the building to Pru’s home, all the memories that we’ve shared together flicker through my mind, none of them from the center. That time was so irrelevant to us, so nothing, it’s unimportant. I recall taking her out to view apartments and to do job interviews and how happy she was, I remember coming here to pick her up when it all got too much from her, then bringing her back to mine where we shared a delicate kiss for the very first time. I think about when we first caved to temptation and slept together at last. That really did feel like it was a long time coming. Then, I think about the night that she got drunk and I kissed her, when I really did fuck up.

  By the time I’m outside her door, I’ve talked myself into being a trembling mess. I could use another drink for a bit of Dutch courage, but it’s too late for that now. It’s now or never.

  I raise my hand, internally preparing myself before banging on the door, a noise so loud it shoots right through my brain. I actually feel myself jump a little, which is crazy because I’m the one who made that noise. When I don’t get anything for a couple of minutes, I rise up onto my tiptoes and I press my ear against the door. I swear I can hear movement inside, which causes me to knock again.

  “Who’s there?” comes the eventual, weary reply. Even hearing her voice in this state, melts me.

  “It’s er, it’s Logan, actually.” A heat stains my cheeks, I actually feel embarrassed. Maybe acting on a whim wasn’t such a good idea after all. “Can we talk for a moment, please?”

  “Logan?” The door swings open and all the breath is sucked from my body. Pru looks even more beautiful than I remember with her pale blonde hair that’s slightly longer now, her high cheek bones and bright eyes, her womanly curves which she now knows much better how to show off… she’s a dream, but she’s real, and once upon a time she was mine. “What the hell are you doing here?”

  I glance behind her seeing a sight that stops my heart. “Why is all your stuff boxed up?”

  “Oh that’s…” She waves her hand dismissively. “That’s nothing. Why are you here?”

  I push past her, not waiting for permission. Everything she owns is packed away, this apartment doesn’t look lived in at all. It’s a good job I came today or I would’ve missed her! She’d be in another home completely. I can’t believe it, I feel sick to my stomach. I really have lost her.

  “What’s going on, Pru?” I demand, needing my answers even if I don’t really deserve them. “Why is all your stuff packed away? Do you have a new apartment, or something?”

  She folds her arms defensively across her chest. “It isn’t really your business, is it?”

  “No, I know.” I shake my head gravely. “I lost the right to ask you anything when I was an asshole, but I want to apologize, I want to tell you that I’m not going to be an idiot anymore. I want to make it right.” I glance up at her, ready to spill my guts. “I want to tell you what I should’ve been brave enough to say all along, and
that’s that I love you.”

  There’s something very freeing about finally getting those words out, it makes me feel lighter than a balloon and full of delicious cool air… but Pru doesn’t look impressed, not at all.

  “You’re too late,” she says curtly. “I’m leaving. I’m moving away from the city. Tonight.”

  Chapter Twenty Eight – Prudence

  This is just a test, it has to be. Another thing come along to test my resolve. Just when I thought I had everything worked out all over again, this shocker comes out of the left wing to knock me over. I’ve spent a week and a half planning this, I know for a fact that it’s what I have to do and nothing is going to stop me. Not even the love of my life declaring that he feels the same way.

  “It’s too late,” I reiterate, really trying to drive the point home. “I’m about to go now.”

  “You can’t go.” He shakes his head rapidly from side to side. “You can’t, it isn’t right. I know that I fucked up but you can’t just leave. I mean, where are you even going?”

  I sigh loudly, knowing that this is going to be the worst bit. “I’m moving to another state, Logan. I’m going to California to start again. I can’t be in New York anymore, it isn’t the place for me. I have… too many memories here, too many things that have gone wrong.” I give him a meaningful look, hoping that he knows I include him in that list. “I need to be free. To start new.”

  “But… but what about practical stuff?” I can almost see him panicking. “What about an apartment and a job? What about paying for stuff? What about… there’s just too much to do.”