The State of Me

by Nasim Marie Jafry

  I hate swimming in glasses, he said. You feel like a prick.

  I think it’s ‘cos you don’t want Wendy to see you looking geeky.

  That’s crap! he said. She sees them at work all the time.

  You don’t need to be so hostile.

  He swam away in the huff and was quiet for the rest of the night.

  I have another two hours before I have to get up (noon). I set the alarm for an extra half hour.

  Sometimes when I’m walking to my lectures, I wonder if I’m the only one on campus with weak legs, pushing through water. I wonder what it feels like to walk to your class with normal legs.

  Sometimes, I wonder what everyone would look like with horses’ heads.

  We were sitting up late, Rez and Ivan were slagging off The Clangers. They’d had a bottle of wine each.

  I hated them, said Ivan. They sounded like fucking pan pipes the way they were always hooting

  They didn’t hoot, they whistled, I said. They were adorable.

  That’s right, said Rez, snorting – all they did was hoot!

  Clangers are beyond reproach, I said.

  Mr Benn was the best, said Rez. He was the man!

  He was a pervert, said Ivan.

  No, he wasn’t, I said. He was just a wee man who liked to escape his drab life by dressing up.

  Why are you defending him? said Ivan.

  Because he needs defending, I said.

  Rez and Ivan were laughing idiotically: Mr Benn needs defending, ha ha ha!

  It’s not that funny, I said.

  Captain Pugwash was a pervert too, said Ivan.

  I must admit, he was shite, I said. I never liked him.

  I’ve got to tend a baby with a necrotic leg in six hours, said Rez, yawning.

  How on earth will you get up? I said.

  Fuck knows. Auto-pilot.

  I looked at my watch. It’s half one, I said. I have to go to bed too. I’ve got a class in twelve hours.

  No goodnight kisses for your flatmates? said Ivan, mock-pleading as I left the kitchen.

  I went back and pecked his cheek, and Rez’s too – I didn’t want him to feel left out.

  While I was brushing my teeth, their voices became conspicuously quiet as they tried to whisper. I knew they were talking about me. Their voices got loud again because they were drunk and forgot. I strained my ears but still couldn’t make out what they were saying. When I came out of the bathroom, Rez was trying to whistle like a clanger. It pissed me off that Ivan’d been so aggressive about children’s programmes. I knew it was to do with his sister and too much wine.

  Mo had made a beeline for me since the first day – I couldn’t get out of sitting next to him. Five weeks into term, I was still changing my mind about him. When I’d told him I had ME, he’d said, Is that the middle class illness?, and I’d said, No, it’s the neurological illness. But he made me laugh? He used to be a taxi driver and his fucking wife had custody of the wean and he hated her. He was reading Mrs Dalloway for his English class and hated all the brackets. He thought I was crazy living with Ivan. Men and women can never be friends, he said, there’s always one who wants to shag the other.

  The lecturer was telling us about the Nuer, a polygynous cattle-loving people in the southern Sudan. I wondered if it would be easier if Ivan and I were Nuer: that way, he could have me and other wives (who weren’t ill) and everybody would be happy. I’d have my own hut and he’d come and sleep with me when it was my turn.

  The phone woke me (it never stopped ringing, I was always taking messages for Ivan and Rez). I stumbled from bed into the hall, my calves felt injected with poison. It was an American girl for Ivan. She’d met him at Glastonbury and she was going to be in Glasgow next weekend, did he want to meet up?

  He’s not here, I said.

  Can you let him know Storm called.

  Storm?

  That’s right.

  As in thunder?

  Yeah.

  Ivan’s at work, I said.

  I’ll call again later…Are you his room-mate?

  No, I’m his girlfriend, I said.

  When’s good to call?

  He often works late. It depends on his mice, I said.

  His mice?

  His research.

  Okay, I’ll call later.

  Bye, I said, hanging up in a way that might have been too hasty.

  I have done a terrible thing, I have lied. Maybe it’s not my fault, maybe I have witchcraft (mangu) in me. Witches don’t know they are witches, after all. They’re born with it – it’s not their fault.

  The minute Ivan was in from work, I handed him a mug of tea. I’ve done something terrible, I said. I was half asleep and her name threw me, I mean who the fuck’s called Storm? She said she met you at Glastonbury.

  What happened? he said, frowning.

  I told her I was your girlfriend.

  She’s just someone I met at the Stone Roses, he said.

  Why’s she coming to see you then?

  She’s not coming to see me, she’s coming to Glasgow. You know what Americans are like, they keep in touch with everyone.

  Are you not mad that I told her I’m your girlfriend?

  Doesn’t matter.

  But even if something had happened with her, you wouldn’t be able to tell me, would you?

  I’m sorry, he said, I can’t drink this tea, it’s far too weak.

  Dunk another bag in then.

  It’s homeopathic, it’s so weak. How can you drink it like that, Helen?

  Stop changing the subject.

  Nothing happened!

  Sometimes I think I’ll unravel, I said. I’m finding it so hard coping with all these women.

  What women?!

  Wendy, for a start. It’s obvious she fancies you.

  Wendy’s crazy about her boyfriend, he said, sighing.

  I don’t think I can keep living here.

  Don’t be ridiculous, he said. Where else would you live?

  I can cope with you not being my boyfriend but I can’t cope with you having a girlfriend right in front of my eyes.

  I don’t have a girlfriend right in front of your eyes.

  I know but I’m constantly afraid of it happening.

  We’ve been through this, he said.

  How would you feel if I was parading men around? I said. That’ll be the test. I’ll bring someone back. I quite fancy Rez’s friend, Lawrence.

  Ivan laughed sarcastically. Dr Stuck-Up Wanker Lawrence? He’s a prick.

  He’s got his private pilot’s licence, I said.

  I know. Rez has been up with him. They flew over Loch Lomond.

  That’d be our first date, I said, we’d do loop the loops over my mum and Nab.

  I can just see you in a Piper Aztec, he said. You shit yourself in a 747.

  I’d be fine. Lawrence’d look after me.

  You’ve got some imagination. I think you’d change your mind if you knew his views on ME.

  Are they dodgy?

  Extremely, he’s a non-believer.

  Bastard.

  All that glitters is not gold, Looby.

  How d’you know he doesn’t believe?

  He said something to Rez.

  He better not show his face here again. I won’t let him in.

  You can’t really vet Rez’s friends in his own house, you’re not a bouncer.

  I just feel violent towards him now, I said. I’ll give him the cold shoulder next time.

  Is there any chilli left from last night? said Ivan. I’m starving.

  Tons. I’ll re-heat you some. Not that you deserve it.

  I haven’t actually done anything.

  I’m sorry, I said. I should rub off my eyelashes in shame.

  He came over to the microwave and hugged me. You’ve got to calm down, he said. You’re causing a storm in a teacup, don’t you think?

  We both smiled at his pun.

  I can’t help it, I said. You should send me a poisoned chicken wi
ng, that’d sort me out. I’d deny the charges of course.

  Is that your witchcraft stuff?

  Yeah, all I need to do is blow water over it and say: ‘If I possess mangu in my belly I am unaware of it; may it cool. It is thus that I blow out water’.

  And that’s you off the hook?

  Yup.

  Seems a bit jammy to me.

  It’s just their way of dealing with bad things.

  Have you already eaten?

  Yeah, I ate at four. You know how I get hungry at odd times. I’ll be starving again by eight.

  Chilli’s brilliant, he said, digging into the leftovers noisily.

  It’s always better the second night, I said, checking myself from commenting on his chomping.

  I didn’t want to unravel in front of Rez and I couldn’t trust myself not to, so I went home the weekend Storm was coming. Ivan gave me a lift to the station. He kept saying I didn’t have to leave but I think he was relieved that I was. She’s sleeping on the couch, he said for the hundredth time, as I got out of the car. I believe you, I said, you don’t need to keep telling me.

  Before getting on the train, I went to the health food store next to the station. I got some Royal Jelly bath oil for Rita and Bach Rescue Remedy for myself. I couldn’t see anything for Nab.

  You’re supposed to have a few drops of Rescue Remedy during times of stress. I kept thinking of Ivan making Storm come with his beautiful fingers and had drunk half the bottle by the time I got to Balloch.

  I stayed with Rita and Nab for five days, my first time home since term had started. It’s lovely to have you back in the nest, said Nab.

  I slept for twelve hours every night. It was luxury, not having to cook or do dishes. I did more than my fair share of dishes in the flat. Even when I was exhausted with spaghetti legs, I felt I should be doing them – I felt I should compensate for not paying rent. I cleaned the toilet most of the time too.

  Rita quizzed me about the flat and I said it was working out fine, Ivan was great.

  He makes me laugh, I said. Whenever I’m clumsy, he says, Mind the gap!

  I don’t get it, she said.

  Mind the synaptic gap – the tiny fluid filled gap between neurons. It’s only 0.00002 mm.

  I know what the synaptic gap is, Helen.

  Ivan jokes that mine are too wide and the chemicals can’t jump, that’s why I’m always dropping things.

  Have you met any nice men? she said.

  Not really. Rez’s got a gorgeous friend but he’s a Tory and he doesn’t believe in ME.

  We can do without him, she said.

  Sean phoned when I was there. He’d been temping in London since graduating and was excited ‘cos he had a second interview for a job with a charity that helped brain-injured people back into employment. Rita was over the moon. It’ll be the making of him if he gets it, she said. Fingers crossed, I’d said to him.

  I felt myself becoming cocooned again, part of me didn’t want to leave. Nab and Rita were like a big soft sling.

  Rita gave me a lift back up to Glasgow. Before we left, she asked if I was okay for money. We’ve got a huge gas bill, I said, but I can use my savings.

  I’d rather you didn’t, she said. You need them for Christmas and holidays. Once you start dipping in for bills, it’s a slippery slope. Nab and I will help you.

  Thanks a lot, Mum, I said. What would I do without you?

  When we got to the flat, Ivan and Rez were out and the sink was full of dishes. Rita offered to do them. It won’t take me long, she said.

  No, it’s not fair, I said. You shouldn’t be doing their dishes!

  It’s better I do them than you. Do you have rubber gloves?

  Under the sink, I said.

  I can’t see any.

  Maybe they’re in the bathroom.

  I went to look and found a Durex wrapper on the floor, it had missed the bin. I knew that Rez didn’t use condoms, his nurse was on the pill.

  Did you find the gloves? Rita shouted through.

  It’s fine, Mum. I’ll do them later.

  I’ve started now, it’s no bother, she said.

  I locked the door and pretended to be using the toilet. Could he not have destroyed the evidence, the stupid bastard?! Maybe he was trying to harden me up. I wrapped the broken foil in toilet paper and put it in my pocket. It still smelled of rubber. I sat there for as long as I could, banishing my tears and composing myself. I flushed the toilet – it even sounded like a pretend flush – and went back into the kitchen.

  Would you like some tea, Mum? I asked. My throat was closing up, jamming the words.

  I reached up to the cupboard and was glad Rita couldn’t see my face. She was still up to her elbows in Ivan and Rez’s dirty plates: I was furious with both of them now, treating me like a drudge.

  I found the gloves, she said.

  Where?

  In the cutlery drawer. Brand new, still in the packet.

  One of them must’ve put them in there, I said. I don’t know why they bother, they won’t actually use them.

  Do you always do their dishes? she said.

  Not always, I said. (I felt myself defending them.)

  She frowned. Don’t overdo it. I’m sure they don’t expect it.

  They don’t, I said.

  I just wanted her to go so that I could mull over the condom and cry.

  Can I smoke in here? she asked, peeling off the gloves and sitting down.

  I suppose so. Rez smokes occasionally.

  I gave her a chipped saucer for an ashtray.

  So what have you got planned for the rest of the week?

  Just classes and grocery shopping. I’ll ask Ivan to take me in the car so I can stock up on heavy stuff.

  It’s good he can help you, she said. I’m glad it’s working out, I was worried you’d just end up in bits again.

  She stubbed out her cigarette halfway. Right, I’m off. I don’t want to get home too late.

  You haven’t finished your tea, I said.

  I’ve had enough, thanks.

  I’ll come outside and wave you off, I said. Now that she was going, I didn’t want her to go.

  We hugged before she got into the car. If I don’t see you through the week, I’ll see you through the window, I said.

  She smiled. I’ll phone you when we hear about Sean’s job.

  I really hope he gets it, I said.

  I waited ‘til her car had disappeared from sight, before going back upstairs. I was crying before I was inside the flat. All the pain of Ivan had come back, compressed into a single moment of finding a condom under the sink.

  I went into his room. There were three juggling balls on the bed. They had yellow and blue harlequin skin. I’d never seen them before. I picked them up. They were suede. I knew Storm had brought them. I wanted to gore them, slice them open. I threw them on the floor. One of them rolled under his desk. I smelled his pillows for traces of her and kicked the bed.

  I went back into the kitchen. I cleaned the ashtray and sat down. I stared at the clock, watching the second hand jump from notch to notch. I couldn’t bear the hours ahead, the seconds, the length of the evening.

  I laid my head on the table and wept myself into a lull.

  I wished I could get rid of the pain aerobically, go running, or go to the gym and punch a bag, but I had to work it all out in my head. I wondered what tears do for you biochemically, why you feel better after them.

  I ran a bath. While it was cooling, I left my share of the gas bill on the kitchen table and a pointy note about the dishes.

  The water was still too hot and burned circles round my ankles when I stepped in. I gushed on the cold tap and knelt down. I could only stay in for five minutes, the heat was too exhausting. I went to bed with a towel wrapped round me and listened to Sade in the dark.

  The bed was damp from the towel and my muscles were vibrating. I got up and put pyjamas on. I lay back down and listened to the noises of late evening. Every time a door b
anged, my heart started to race.

  I couldn’t sleep and got up again. I went into the living room and turned on the TV. I watched a documentary about a baby girl with spina bifida. Her parents were strong and optimistic and said they wouldn’t swap her for the world. The doctors’d had to operate on her when she was just born. I turned away. She was at risk from hydrocephalus and they’d inserted a shunt into her brain to drain the excess fluid.

  She’d have this for the rest of her life. It was unbearable to think of such a tiny being having these horrors.

  Before trying to sleep again, I retrieved the juggling balls and put them back on Ivan’s bed. They lay on his quilt like trophies.

  When he finally got in after midnight I was lying in bed wide awake, but I didn’t get up.

  The next day, I bought a man’s jacket from Oxfam (olive green) to cheer me up. One arm was longer than the other but if you rolled the sleeves up you couldn’t tell. When I reached down to get my bag in the changing room, I thought I was going to faint. I knelt down and stayed behind the makeshift curtain until I felt less dizzy. When I came out, the woman who was waiting glared.

  That evening, both Ivan and Rez seemed sheepish and said sorry about the dishes. It’s your flat, Rez, I said, you can do what you want, but sometimes I feel like a cleaner, that’s all. I wanted to get him on his own and ask him about the condom – maybe it was his – but he’d just cover up for Ivan so there was no point.

  Ivan brought the harlequin trophies into the living room to show me. D’you like my new balls?

  Ha ha, I said.

  D’you want a shot?

  No, I said. Where did you get them?

  Storm brought them, he said. We were practising all weekend. It’s good fun. You should try it.

  stranger How are you? It’s a while since we chatted – you look pale.

  me My essay on the Azande’s due in a week. I can only type with two fingers and my arms burn, and you can never get a Mac free, you have to reserve them. Ivan’s got a computer but it’s an IBM.