Lieutenant Hotshot

by Julia North

  “Here this is a card which shows some forgiveness verses in the Bible. I want you to go read them. Will you do that? I know you can; you’ve have learned well how to read.”

  I take the card and look at all the listings. I nod, keeping my head down so that she won’t see the tears which have now crept into my eyes. The pain in my belly is too deep to stop them.

  “Good boy,” she says. “As you read them and ask for forgiveness the power of Jesus will come over you.” She gives me a smile and heaves up her big body, scattering the red and black pattern of her dress so that it swirls in front of my eyes. I can smell the sweet smell of her rose perfume and soap as she stands over me.

  “I’ll go and make breakfast. Go call Tula for me just now. She must come help.”

  I nod and watch as she wades her way back through the tall yellow grass. I look down at the verses and trace my fingers around the letters. I can make out the words of the chapters and I know how to find them. I stare for a long time at the word forgiveness. I hope its power is real and it won’t make me weak. My mind is confused about this Jesus. If he is so powerful why does all this darkness happen? Why has he let the L.R.A. take me away from Thandi? How can his power be more than theirs?

  I look back down at these verses. I can feel the darkness fighting inside, pulling me down. I can’t answer these questions but I know deep down that I need this forgiveness from his blood.

  I stare out across the yellow veld while my mind whirls and my stomach feels sick. Mama Zuma and her kind eyes stand tall in my mind. She believes in this power. Dr. Zuma believes in this power. Then suddenly I jerk. I’m supposed to call Tula for Mama Zuma.

  I get up, brush the grass and dust from my khaki shorts, and run to the Games hut where Tula normally is in the morning. I try to make my mind blank. I cannot let these thoughts run mad through me. I will look weak when she sees me. I pat down my hair and push back my shoulders as I bend to enter the cool of the thatched mud hut.

  “Modetse, hi,” says Tula giving me a big smile. She’s sitting on a round straw mat with Zinzi and Lily in the middle of the hut. They’re doing a wooden puzzle and its rounded pieces are spread out across the mat. They all look too happy and I wish my mind was like theirs.

  “Hey, Modetse,” shouts Zinzi. Lily gives me a big grin and waves.

  “Hey, girls,” I say, and smile at them. “You making a good puzzle?”

  They nod and Zinzi grabs a piece and pushes it into place.

  “See how clever I am?” she says.

  “You are too clever. Both of you,” I say, and laugh.

  “Why don’t you join us?” asks Tula.

  “I can’t. Your mother sent me to find you. She says you must go help her cook the breakfast.”

  Tula pulls a face. “I hate cooking.”

  I smile. “That’s why you’re so slim,” I say, looking at her long brown legs crossed over in front of her bright orange and red sarong.

  “Yes, if my mother had her way I’d be fat like all the tradi- tional girls.”

  This makes Lily and Zinzi giggle.

  “You’d better go help her,” I say with hot cheeks.

  “I know,” sighs Tula. She pushes away the wooden puzzle. “Girls, you try and do some more of this and I’ll come back and look just now. Do you want to walk with me, Modetse?”

  “Of course,” I say. My cheeks are hot. They grow worse as we walk in silence towards the kitchens. I’m trying hard to think of something clever to say but can’t and the air around me feels heavy and thick. I open my mouth to say how hot it is when Tula suddenly asks, “Are you coming to the mission?”

  I look down and clear my throat. This wasn’t the talk I wanted. I don’t think I’ve the courage to go there, but how can I tell her that?

  “I understand if you have second thoughts about it,” she says.

  She must take my silence for a “No” and I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to look like a coward and be too scared to go.

  I scuff the ground with my foot and look at her. “Do you really think it’ll help?” I ask. My muscles tense. I don’t want to see these people. Maybe I will still hate them and the dark spirits will triumph and make me want to kill? I don’t want to look into my soul. My body tenses and my jaw clenches up and down.

  Tula stares at me with deep eyes. “It could. Sometimes if we do something practical it helps our mind and you have the magic touch inside to help people. I can see it in you. Just think about it,” she says, and touches my arm.

  I shiver and nod. “Okay,” I say in a small voice. She sounds like her mother now. My mind is confused. They have some power these people. Maybe this Jesus doesn’t make you weak. I just don’t know if it would be enough for me.

  “Well, I’d better go make the stupid porridge. Are you playing football again later? You were very good yesterday,” says Tula as the air between us thickens.

  My body warms at her praise and my shoulders relax. “Maybe that’ll be good. I’ll beat Bengu again.”

  Tula throws back her head and gives a happy laugh. “Yes, he was cross about that. He’ll probably try hard to beat you today.”

  “He won’t beat me,” I proclaim with a straight back.

  “Good.” Tula laughs. “See you later.” She turns and waves as she goes into the kitchen and I wave back but then stand and stare after her with a good feeling. She’s glad I beat Bengu which must mean she does like me. I smile to myself and then hear Mama Zuma‘s voice giving her commands. I bet she won’t like that.

  I walk back to the field, my mind a mixture of happy and sad. Talking to Tula has opened my wounds again and inside I am very fearful of the mission. Already they are making me feel weak. I walk around the edge of the flat field with its short yellow grass. It reminds me of the camp and the training but that is all a long time ago now. I never want to go back to that. I think about all the people I have met here. Mama Zuma, Doctor Zuma, Tula, even the irritating Nurse Sophie. They are all too good to me. They want to help me. They show me love and there is some strange power in that love.

  Deep inside I want to cry out my pain. I want to say I’m sorry and to beg the people to forgive me. Commander Mobuto’s face drifts into my mind. I see his gold crocodile tooth glinting in an evil smile and hear his voice shouting commands to “kill, kill, and kill!” I stare down at the letters L.R.A. cut deep in my arm. Nurse Sophie is right. They’ve tried to poison me. I see Nkunda laughing as we shoot at the villagers. I can smell again Sipho’s burning body so strong in my nose that I retch.

  I shake my head and my body prickles with horror at all the pictures of blood and broken bodies which fly into it. War is not good. Why did I think it was?

  Suddenly the truth of what I’ve done hits me like an RPG grenade in my belly. I retch as the smell of blood is strong in my nose. I look down at my blood hands. How did I do these things? I begin to shake all over. I have taken mothers from their children. I have let the children be killed. My darkness is too great. How can I be forgiven? How?

  I turn away from the field. It reminds me now of the bush. It’s making all these blood memories come back so strong I can smell them and hear the screams in my ears. I turn and run back to my hut. I go in panting with my heart beating in my ears. My body is wet and silent tears fall from my eyes. I take out the card that Mama Zuma gave me and wipe my eyes as I pick up my brown leather Bible and search fast for the verses.

  I find the first verse with shaking hands and trace my fingers along the words. “Everyone has been bad compared to the glory of God.” I say the words out loud so that they ring in my ears. Dr. Zuma‘s words come back to me. Everyone needs God to save them he says; we are all the same in God’s eyes he told me. I frown. That’s not true. He was never bad like me. Tula is not bad. These people don’t understand badness. They don’t understand. My spirit feels heavy as I look at the next verse. I want to believe their truth but I don’t think I can. “All are new creatures in Christ Jesus,” reads the next verse. I d
on’t know what it means. I shrug and search for the next one, “Forgive so your Father in Heaven can forgive you.” I’m not sure who I must forgive. Everyone else needs to forgive me. I’m the one who’s been bad. I’m there for a long time and read the verses again and again. Maybe if there really is a God he’ll forgive me too? But what happens then? I will be a nobody. I can never escape my past. Everyone will know I am just a weak boy who was evil and is now pretending to be good. It will not take away the blood or give the people back their hands. It will be better for me to feel my pain and live with it. That way I will be punished. This forgiveness is for the weak people. Not for me.

  But the thoughts of forgiveness stay with me all day and that night again I can’t sleep. All is quiet as I get up from my bed and creep out of the dark hut being careful not to wake the snoring Richard and Trigger.

  I step into the warm, night air and look up at the sky with its millions of fat shining stars. The moon is strong and my eyes can see the trees and long grass of the bush in the distance. I move towards them and feel the soft brush of the night breeze on my face. I breathe deep and the rich smell of the bush hits my nose. It is so quiet here; it feels so good. There’re no guards here. It is not like the camp. If I want to escape I can. I’m strong now. No one will stop me. I am free to go.

  I walk and walk until I reach the long thick grass deep in the bush, which tickles my bare legs as I push through it. There’re many dark acacia trees dotted around and I can see the outline of their long thorns in the moonlight. The grass is up to my waist now and dark shapes rustle through it. They’re reedbuck I think. There are no lions here but there could maybe be leopard. I stand still and listen. The thick night air buzzes in my ears. I see the mound of an ant heap to the side before the tree line. I go over and brush the soil with my hand. The mound stays still and nothing moves across it. Good there’ll be no ants to bite me. I sit down on the hump and stare up at the shimmering sky.

  The clear chirrup, chirrup of the night cricket suddenly breaks through the silence. I draw in a deep breath and let the sweet smell of the African bush calm my spirit. The verses I’ve read from the Bible walk through my mind and from deep in my belly I feel a deep peace rise up inside. It is so real and has come so quickly that I shiver. There is a strong spirit here by me. It tingles through my body and makes me afraid. I bend my head down and silently ask the God of the Bible to forgive me for what I’ve done. I don’t understand the verses and I don’t know if it’s true but there is power here and I don’t want to run from it anymore. I want it to forgive me even if it leaves me weak. The thoughts push out hot tears of shame and they fall from my eyes and slide down my cheeks. Mama Zuma has said that God’s grace is so big anyone can be forgiven. She says that all I must do is accept it. Dr. Zuma says that too.

  I think again about the verses. Dr. Zuma says that the Bible is a magic book. It has great power and tells the truth. I bow my head and speak to the God of the Bible.

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I’m sorry for all the bad blood…the cut hands…the killer bullets. Please God I am so sorry.”

  My deep sorrow makes David…Thandi…Sipho…Enoch…even Jabu run through my head and my chest heaves with sobs for them. I think of Richard and Trigger…they’re not bad boys. Trigger he is different now. He has no bad dreams; his eyes shine when he talks; he smiles and walks tall, like he’s clean inside. The power of Jesus has set him free.

  I want that too. Trigger was a killer before. I want what he’s got. I too have goodness inside. I’m not just an evil killer. I don’t want the evil spirits inside anymore. I don’t want the darkness to win. I want to be clean.

  “Please, Jesus, forgive me,” I whisper to the silent night. “I need your magic blood which can take away my bad blood and defeat the dark spirits. Please help me! I believe you can help me. If you don’t help me I am lost.” I look up at the glittering sky with all its stars. All around is a deep quiet. My body prickles. That spirit is stronger. I can feel it around me so fierce that it covers me, pressing down on my body and washing through me so that my heart beats hard in my ears and my chest heaves up and down. But this time it is not from fear. My mind is still and the silver light of the moon and stars shine softly down on me. This spirit is not from the darkness. It brings peace.

  I drop my head and pray loud, “Please come to me, Jesus; make me clean.”

  My words hang in the air like the bees and buzz in my ears. God is talking back to me deep in my belly. I feel the big sadness rise up from there; it shudders through my whole body. God is taking out the darkness. I feel it go from my shoulders. New power rises up through me and my body shivers. The power grows bigger and shoots out of my head like the lightning. It throws me forward into the deep yellow grass.

  My heart races and my eyes blur. My whole body tingles and sobs shake through me as I lie in the grass with the tears pouring like the river from my eyes. I cry and cry until all the pain is out and my head is light. When I lift up my face the wet ground has stuck to my cheeks and a faint pink glow is coming in the sky.

  I sit up and my body shudders with another big sob, then stops. I feel strange inside, like I’m clean. I know that the God of the Bible and his blood has come inside me and chased away the evil of the past. I am empty inside but I am also full. Everywhere there is strange quiet. Even in my head and my belly there is this deep quiet like I’ve never known before. Ay, this Jesus spirit has great power. Dr. Zuma is right. His power is too much for the darkness to stand. My head buzzes. I think the dark spirits inside have really left. I bow my head down and whisper to this Jesus, “Thank you, Jesus. Thank you. Please stay with me.”

  Chapter 37

  The clean feeling stays with me as the morning sun climbs out and I feel good even though I’ve slept very little. Maybe it is time now to visit the mission. Maybe?

  “You’ve a faraway look in your eyes, my brother. You look different,” says Richard. “I bet your mind’s full of Tula.”

  I smile and shrug. Yes, she’s on my mind but it’s more than that. I can’t speak to Richard of last night. “She helps to chase away the bad thoughts sometimes,” I say.

  Richard’s got a strange expression on his face when I say this. “Are you still having bad dreams?” I ask.

  Richard nods. “They’ve come back to me. There’re too many bodies in my dreams. I’m frightened I’ll die.”

  “You must talk to the doctor, Richard.”

  I don’t know what to say to him. He might laugh at me if I tell him about last night. He must find his own way.

  Richard looks at the ground. “I can’t forget,” he whispers.

  We’re both silent and embarrassed.

  “It’s hard,” I say after a while. “But you must ask Jesus to forgive you.”

  “I don’t know if I can,” says Richard. He holds his head in his hands. “The pictures keep coming. I think I’ve been too bad.”

  “I know,” I say. “Talk to Mama Zuma, she’ll give you something to help you.”

  “What?” asks Richard. “Did she give you something? Is that why you are suddenly better?”

  “Yes. Go see her,” I say, and get up to leave. I’m not ready to talk about myself. “I need to find Tula.”

  “Yes, you love that Tula.” Richard laughs. “But there’s only one problem for you, Modetse.

  “What’s that?” I say with a cross face.

  “Bengu.”

  I turn quickly and glare at him. The last person I want to think about is him. Richard’s right. Bengu’s always coming to interrupt Tula and me and watching me.

  “Maybe I should kill him?” I spit and then I frown at myself, shocked at how easily the old feelings of hate come back. I thought the evil spirits had gone. I must be careful not to let them back in.

  “You can’t do that,” says Richard.

  “What must I do then?” I shout. “I can’t let him steal Tula.”

  “How can he steal her? She must choose. You must just pray she
loves you.”

  “What do you think?” I ask. Richard looks in my eyes. I hold my breath.

  “I think she loves you. You must ask her out quickly.”

  My heart smiles at his answer. He’s right. I’ve been a coward and wasted too much time. I’ll do it today before we visit that mission. “I’m going to find her now and ask her.”

  “Go.” Richard laughs and gives me a high five.

  I run like the cheetah towards the schoolyard. My heart is excited and my hands feel wet. I make for the Art hut. I hope she’ll be there then I’m going to take her for a walk down to the river and ask her to be my girlfriend. After that Bengu will have to keep away. I turn the corner and race over the red soil.

  I bend down in the cool entrance of the hut and stop. Bengu’s sitting with Tula and they’re both laughing. My body jerks. I watch her put her hand on his shoulder and give him a kiss on the cheek. He puts his arm around her and pats her. My breath sticks in my throat. I turn and run away before they see me with my heart beating in my ears.

  I run and run and run. The hard red ground pounds in my ears…why was I so stupid? You idiot, Modetse…you idiot. I want to hide in the dark green forest. I’ll go back to the L.R.A. I’ll never come back…She doesn’t like me…I’m a killer…I’m evil…She was just being kind…she doesn’t like me. I’ve made myself look a fool. I hate Bengu. I’ll kill him. I hate him. I hate them both. My body bristles with hate and I can’t think of anything else. Why was I so stupid? Why did I think she could love me? Why did I think I’m forgiven? She has chosen the good city boy. The aid worker who is just like her! I tear through the forest straight into Dr. Zuma whose coming back with Zinzi and Lily.

  “Modetse! What’s happened?”

  I stare at them with red eyes and mumble, “Nothing; it’s okay.”

  Lily and Zinzi look at me with open mouths. “Go back and find Mama Zuma, girls.”

  They nod and look at me with wide eyes before running off.

  “Is it the mission tomorrow?” asks Dr. Zuma.