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Lieutenant Hotshot

Page 24

by Julia North


  “Oh, hello, Tula. I’m glad you’re here. We’ve four new hands to fit today. You two will be helpful.”

  “This is Nurse Rani,” says Tula pushing me forward. “This’s my friend Modetse.”

  “Welcome, Modetse. I’m pleased to have you help,” says Nurse Rani, shaking my hand.

  She’s got warm smile and it helps to take away the memory of the hate of the dining hall. I try to smile back and give her a firm shake. A look of sadness flickers through her eyes before she shows for us to come.

  “Right, follow me through to the store. The patients’ wounds in Ward Two have healed enough for us to fit them.”

  We follow her to the end of the ward and through a set of double doors. I give a sigh of relief as we leave the children behind. She unlocks the door to a small room packed with boxes.

  “Tula, if you’d be so kind as to open those white boxes over there. They’re the ones with the prosthetics. Put gloves on first. They’re all sterilized and if you just lay them out as labelled the doctor can fit them later. Labels are here.”

  Nurse Rani opens a drawer and hands me a plastic packet with neatly typed labels. I stare at the names, Mohammed, Rasha, Jacob, Beauty. The guilt washes over me again and my body grows heavy. Fake hands for the real people. Aiee, what did we do?

  “They’re very excited,” says Nurse Rani as if she can read my thoughts. “Once they get the hang of it they don’t even know they’re prosthetics.” She gives me a big smile and leaves the room.

  I stand silent with hot cheeks while Tula goes over to the boxes.

  “Right.” She smiles and grabs the white taped boxes stacked in the corner of the storeroom. “Here, Modetse, cut through the box tape and open them for me.”

  She hands me a letter opener and I run it quickly down the center of the box. I push back the lids and pull away the white sponge covers. Neat rows of brown plastic hands stare up at me. I touch one and draw back from its coldness. I feel sick. They are dead hands, which will never be warm. How can the people forget with these hands? They will always cry for the real ones.

  Tula looks at me and pulls on some white plastic gloves.

  “It’s okay,” she whispers, and then lifts out some of the hands.

  “This is the wire base,” she says. “They’ve got a soft cushion on the end with straps and a harness to go on the patient’s shoulder. The people say they’re really comfy when they’re on.”

  I don’t answer and just stare at the dead hands as I try to hold fast to my mind. It wants to jump back to my nightmares. I cry deep inside and wish I could go back and give these hands life but I can’t. Tula turns to look in my eyes.

  “You sure you’re okay with this?” she whispers.

  I nod and hold my body tense. It’s good that I must suffer. I must feel my guilt. Tula gives me some gloves and I put them on and pick up a pair of the dead hands. I can feel their cold through the gloves.

  “There’re some labels to match each pair. If you can stick them on it’ll help.”

  “Okay,” I murmur trying to read carefully which matches which.

  Tula glances over and shows me her thumb. I place the hands gently on the counter with the harness laid out at the top.

  “You wish you hadn’t come?”

  “No, I’m glad I’ve come.”

  Tula comes over to me and puts her arm around my shoulders. My heart quickens and I catch my breath and look down. “I’m also glad you’ve come.”

  I look up and see her smiling deep into my eyes. She gives my arm a little squeeze.

  “Thanks,” I whisper. I look away to hide the excitement in my eyes. This is such a strange day. Inside I’ve so much guilt and sadness but there’s also the hope that God gave me with his forgiveness and maybe Tula really does like me. My mind jumps to pictures of us together and I feel bad that I’ve been so horrible to Bengu. He was just looking after her like a brother, just like I did for Thandi. He’s a good one and maybe now we’ll be friends.

  “Well done, you two. That’ll help,” says Nurse Rani, bustling back in. “Why don’t you go outside for a while and get some fresh air. You can unpack medical supplies a bit later.”

  “If you’re sure,” says Tula.

  “Of course. Off you go get some fresh air before the storm hits.”

  I lift my eyebrows at the distant thunder. She’s right. It sounds like a big African storm is coming for us.

  We step outside into the hot wet air. I look up and see the black clouds growing fast on the far sky. All of a sudden a fork of white light shoots through the air and a loud crack of thunder rumbles around us and makes me jump.

  “I think it’ll be a brief bit of air.” Tula laughs. “Come, let’s walk down there. I’ll quickly show you the river.”

  “Okay.” I smile and hurry behind her. I’ve only gone a few steps when a loud voice suddenly screams behind me,

  “Fuck you! Fuck you!”

  I turn around with wide eyes. Fear shoots through my body. My heart races. I see Tula pull a face and show for me to keep moving but I can’t. I stare back up the buildings. There’s a man standing outside the dining hall and he’s screaming at me, pointing his plastic hand at me. I don’t recognize him but he knows me.

  “That’s him. He’s the one,” he shouts to the man next to him. He’s the devil who cut my hands.”

  I stand frozen as the man starts to come towards me then I see Bengu run from the hut and grab his shoulder to pull him back. The man fights back, his face is full of the fierce hate.

  “I’ll kill you!” he screams at me. “You’ve taken away my manhood. How can I feed my family with no hands? How? I hate you! I hate you! Give me back my manhood! Give me back my hands, you bastard devil child!”

  I’m frozen to the spot with shame so big I can’t think. My fear has come to life. The man is still struggling with Bengu and I’m afraid any second now he will fly at me and rip me apart. His friend shakes his plastic hand at me and takes a step towards me.

  “Bastard,” he shouts. “What’re you doing here? Go away. We don’t want you here. Fuck off.”

  People come out of the huts. They stare at me with big accusing eyes. I see Sebo from the dining Hall. I just want to die. I’m so full of guilt but I refuse to run. I did wrong I know but I’ve told God I’m sorry. I’m here to help and give back. I can’t do more than that! Let them hate me. It is their right.

  “It’s okay,” I whisper to Tula, who’s standing gripping my arm and looking with angry eyes at the man. “Let them have their say.”

  “You’re brave, Modetse.” Tula smiles. “Come let’s go down to the river and we can make it back up on the other side away from these people.”

  She takes my arm and guides me down.

  “Yes, fuck off,” shouts the man. “Fuck off, you devil, and never come back.”

  Tula pulls me harder and we walk down to the soft river sand.

  “Let me sit a bit, Tula. You go inside.”

  “You sure, Modetse?”

  I nod. The tears are pricking my eyes. Tula puts her hand on my shoulder and gives me a squeeze. “It’s okay,” she whispers. “Remember it’s not your fault. Come up back past those trees when you’re ready.”

  I nod and look at the trees she’s pointing at. I watch her walk back up to the huts and a sob jumps in my throat. I squat down on my haunches and put my head on my knees. The hot tears fall from my eyes and run down my cheeks. The thunder cracks and fat drops of rain begin to fall. I feel them hit into to me and wish they would just come harder and harder until they carry me away.

  Then I feel something on my shoulder and freeze. The man has come to kill me. I turn my head to the side so my eyes can just look out. There is a cold hand on me. I lift my head and stare at it. It is small…

  I stare up into the brown eyes of a young girl. Aiee, I know these eyes, this face. The sky and ground start to spin around my head. The girl lifts her plastic hand and touches my cheek.

  “Thandi…is i
t you?” I whisper.

  Chapter 40

  All my dreams of finding Thandi are running through my head as we bump our way back to the camp in the F20. She sits squashed between Tula and me and turns to look up at me with big eyes. I touch her shoulder to make sure she’s really there and that I’m not dreaming. My stomach jumps as she puts her plastic hand on my leg. I feel its coldness and shiver. I turn my eyes away from it and look out of the window. The yellow grass blurs in front of my eyes. I tense my muscles, turn back to Thandi and give her a smile.

  “God is good,” whispers Thandi.

  A sob catches in my throat as I reply, “Yes, he is.”

  “Dr. Jabula‘s phoned back to tell them the great news,” says Tula.

  “We’ll have a big party for you, Thandi,” says Bengu, leaning across and giving Thandi a smile. He looks at me with serious eyes like he can read the pot of happiness and sadness in my heart. God has answered my prayers but he has also punished me. I should’ve known I would pay more for my evil but I never thought Thandi could lose her hands.

  I look sideways at her. Her eyes look old like she’s seen too many bad things. Horrors run through my mind. Maybe they beat her on the dump? Maybe the L.R.A. took her and made her like the Pineapple girls? Maybe she walked into the bush to look for me and then found the village where they took her hands? I’ve failed her. I let them catch me and now she has lost her hands. I shake my head. I must not let these thoughts live –they will make me sick.

  “This is where I’m staying,” I whisper as we pull up to the wire gates.

  “I feel like I’m in the good dream,” says Thandi.

  “Me too,” I say, and then jump out to open the gates for Bengu.

  I climb back in and we drive to the dining hall where Mama Zuma comes running out with Dr. Zuma close behind.

  “What wonderful news,” she shouts pulling open the door. “I’m Mama Zuma, little one. Come let me give you a big hug.”

  I jump out and lift Thandi out. Mama Zuma puts her arms around her like the big mama lion and squeezes her tight. Her hug makes Thandi sob. Mama Zuma holds her close and whispers, “It’s okay. You’re safe now. You’re safe and back with your brother. He’s prayed hard to find you and we’re very lucky. God has brought you back. It’s going to be okay.”

  Her words warm my heart. I feel Dr. Zuma‘s hand on my shoulder. He gives me a squeeze and I look up him. He looks at Thandi‘s hands and then looks deep in my eyes and gives a small nod. I nod back but my eyes blur with the tears. It is not the end I have prayed for. This is not how it should be.

  “Right, time for a party,” says Dr. Zuma. “Welcome, Thandi, we’re so happy to have found you.”

  Mama Zuma pulls back from Thandi and Dr. Zuma goes over to give her a hug. Mama Zuma takes my arm and we go into the dining hut.

  “We’ll eat now and make a big fire we can sit around later and perhaps sing some songs. I don’t think we want to press Thandi about what’s happened since you disappeared. She’s had a lot to take in today. Is that okay?”

  “Yes,” I say. My shoulders relax. I don’t want to hear about how she lost her hands tonight. I don’t want to hear it ever.

  That night Dr. Zuma cooks spicy sausages on the fire and we eat them with put and tomato onion gravy. I watch Thandi closely. She is quiet but eats all the food, lifting it with her plastic hands. Above us the dark sky is filled with millions of fat stars. I look up and imagine that Umama is looking down on us, happy that we are together again. Thandi looks up from her eating and we meet eyes. I smile at her and she smiles back. She doesn’t look like the Thandi I remember on the dump. Her spirit has grown old. Guilt gnaws at my bones.

  I see Dr. Zuma staring at me. He gives me a wink and turns to Thandi. “You okay there, Thandi?”

  Thandi looks up from her eating and nods.

  “Where were you staying before the hospital?” says Richard through a big mouthful of sausage, and I flinch inside. We were not going to ask her anything tonight. I frown at him to try and shut him up, but Thandi answers, “In Koboga region; with Auntie Goko.”

  Richard turns to me, “Is she your aunt?”

  I glare at him and shake my head.

  Thandi shrugs and says in a small voice, “She was a lady who found me in the city when the soldiers took Modetse.” She looks up at me. “I was crying and crying for you and the people were shouting at me, but then she comes and helps me. She came from the farm in Koboga so we went back there.”

  “That was good,” I say. “I wish I could say thank you to her. I worried too much that you were alone on the dump.”

  “I was lucky. Auntie Goko found me the same day. She knew that the devil soldiers came to catch the boys in the city. She helped many of them. My heart cried that she did not find us sooner. Then maybe they would not have caught you.”

  “Ay, maybe,” I say as I stare at the fire with its strong flames. Inside my heart cries but it is no good. I cannot go back to that day. “At least she found you, Thandi. It is too bad I can’t say thank you to her.”

  “The devil soldiers killed her after they cut my hands,” says Thandi. Her face grows tight and her voice breaks as she says these words. I see hate in her eyes.

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper, and I swallow back the bitterness that has come into my throat. I push my food away and wish the flames could burn the guilt from my soul.

  “Let’s sing a song,” says Tula in a loud voice.

  “Good idea,” says Dr. Zuma. “I don’t think Thandi wants anymore questions tonight, Richard. Go get your guitar, Bengu.”

  Bengu nods and jumps up to go to the hut.

  “You like singing, Thandi?” says Tula as the air around us becomes thick with silence.

  Thandi nods and looks down at her food. As soon as Bengu’s back we start singing “Shine Jesus shine” and I say a silent thanks to see Thandi begin to smile again.

  “Thandi, can sleep in your dorm tonight, Modetse. Richard and Trigger are going to sleep in the new quarters aren’t you boys,” says Dr. Zuma.

  “Yes. We’ve moved some things already,” says Trigger giving me a smile.

  “You are lucky to find each other,” says Richard.

  “Yes, we are very lucky,” I say as Thandi and me look at each other.

  Dr. Zuma takes me to one side by the fire before we go back to the hut.

  “Dr. Jabula phoned me as soon as you left,” he says. “He told me that Auntie Goko was well known as a person who tried to help kids hurt by the L.R.A. Thandi was well looked after until the soldiers came. But then she saw terrible horror, just like you, Modetse. Give her time. Pray for her. She will eventually heal and so will you.”

  He looked deep into my eyes and I nodded. I know that what he is saying is true and I am happy for Aunty Goko; but it does not take away the pain of her plastic hands. I will have to pray hard to God to do that.

  The next day I wake early, lie in the half-light and stare up at the thatch ceiling. I must talk to Thandi today and tell her the truth of how I also cut off the hands of people. She must know a bit already from the shouting man. I cannot live a lie with her. She is my sister. I will need to take whatever comes from her. I close my eyes and pray, “Please, Jesus, help me tell her the right way. I don’t know what to say.”

  I turn and look at Thandi. Her breathing is deep with a good rhythm. My mind calms. She would not breathe like that if she was paining too much inside. I look at her for a long time until the sky turns pink and the roosters wake.

  “Modetse,” whispers Thandi.

  “I’m here,” I say. “It’s okay. It’s still early, Thandi. You can sleep longer.”

  She mumbles, closes her eyes and falls back into sleep.

  We get up when the sun is fully awake. I help Thandi put on her plastic hands with a firm face. I push the plastic with its foam inside over her stumps and then tie the leather straps tight. Inside I feel sick. She is quiet while I do it and the air in the hut grows hot. I don’t know wha
t thoughts are going through her head.

  I put my arm around her shoulders as we walk to the dining hut. Mama Zuma‘s inside already and has the table laid for us with a red and white tablecloth.

  “You must show Thandi the mission today, Modetse,” says Mama Zuma as we sit down. “We’ll leave school for today I think so you can show Thandi around but perhaps you’d like to do some crafts with her later. Richard and Trigger are there already.”

  “Would you like that, Thandi? We could maybe make the clay pots?”

  Thandi nods but my stomach drops. Can she make pots with those hands? I stare at them and then jerk away as Mama Zuma gives us two bowls of steaming maize porridge with yellow butter. We sit silently and eat.

  “Good morning, you two,” says Tula as she comes into the hut. “You sleep okay, Thandi?”

  “Yes,” says Thandi, and gives Tula a small smile.

  Modetse’s going to show Thandi around and do some pot making later,” says Mama Zuma.

  “Good idea,” says Tula giving me a smile, which does not match her worried eyes. “You’ve got a lot of catching up to do.”

  “Take it slowly,” says Mama Zuma. “You’ve got a lifetime to catch up.”

  I nod. Everyone is sounding so strange. We are all trying hard to sound like everything is okay, but Tula and Mama Zuma must know that deep inside I’m scared. Will Thandi want to go back to Dr Jabula when she learns the truth of me as a devil soldier? Will she hate me? I breathe deep and keep my face firm.

  “Come, Thandi, I will show you the forest and then well go to the river.”

  “Yes, it’s too hot today. The river will be nice for you,” says Mama Zuma.

 

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