The Redemption Lie

by Amanda J. Clay

  

  The “safe house” was a real dump. Plain shabby walls, moth-eaten furniture. A weird musty smell emanating from the walls. The sheets on the double bed at least looked clean enough.

  Nina unpacked the few items she’d brought with her and set them into the small oak dresser. She felt the cold metal of the pistol against her back but decided to leave it there. There was no way she was sleeping in this place without a gun at finger’s length.

  She paced the room aimlessly and then went to the kitchen and poured herself a glass of water. She should have slipped a few beers in her bag but she’d been in such a rush, confused state. Maybe Beck would have enough foresight to bring over a six-pack later. God, what was she doing here? She was smarter than this. She knew how this went. Safe houses were a joke. The best she could hope for was a day or two to plan an escape.

  She was aimlessly staring at the wall, trying to calm her thoughts, when she heard the door lock open. Instinctively, she jumped, reaching back for a gun. Then she realized it was just Beck.

  Beck stepped through the door and quickly shut it. When he spotted her there on the bed, there was a moment of tense unease. They were silent, all the unsaid things dangling between them.

  “Hey,” Beck said.

  “Took you long enough. Please tell me you brought supplies,” Nina said.

  Beck smiled thinly and held up a paper bag.

  “I'm not much of a grocery shopper, but I think I got some acceptable sustenance.” He reached in and pulled out a veggie platter and a six pack of Pale Ale cans.

  Nina laughed. “That covers my grains and my vegetables.”

  Beck pulled two beers out and opened them. He handed her one.

  “Wasn't sure I was allowed to drink in custody,” Nina said. She clinked her can against his.

  Beck laughed. “You're not in custody, Nina. Don't know how many times I have to tell you that.”

  “Didn’t think you were supposed to drink on the clock.”

  Beck smiled and shrugged. “I’m not.”

  Beck sat next to her on the bed. She felt the warmth of his skin against hers. Smelled his subtle musk. Heard the soft cadence of his breath.

  “Are you doing all right?” He said.

  Nina drank half of her beer before answering. “As well as can be expected I guess. It's strange, it's like I'm standing on this precipice. And I know that I have to jump eventually. But my feet feel like they’re cemented to the ground.”

  “I get that,” Beck said.

  Nina smirked. “You do? I don't sound insane?”

  Beck smiled. “Not at all. I remember the first time I had to go into a combat zone. I can't describe what that was like. I had my boots on, I had my gun, special issue. And I knew I had minutes, only minutes, before I'd step down into a foreign land and have to fight for my life. Before everything I ever knew about the world would be a moot point. Before I'd be forced to kill other people. I was just this kid—confused and angry about so many things. I stepped off that chopper and I could barely move.”

  “That sounds awful,” Nina said. “It sounds like something no one should ever have to go through.”

  Beck didn’t say anything. Finally, he said, “I want you to know how sorry I am.”

  Nina looked up at him. “What do you have to be sorry for?”

  Beck looked around the shabby room. “For all of this. For putting you in this situation. For forcing you back.”

  Nina shook her head. “Don't be sorry. You were just doing your job. Doing what you had to do. I know that and I don’t hold it against you.”

  Beck smirked. “That makes one of us then. I keep justifying it a hundred different ways. But we both know the scope of my job doesn't involve what happened between us.”

  Nina looked away. “It happens, Beck. Happens when people are in stressful situations. Adrenaline will make you do things you never would have normally. It’s sort of like when you've been drinking. C’mon, you’ve been to war, you know how that is.”

  “Is that all it was then? We were both a little war-drunk?” Beck said.

  Nina went for another beer. “I don't know. In another life, maybe things would've been different.” She looked up and met his eyes then, her own burning with salt. “But we don't live in another life. We live here in this life. In this reality. And in this reality, there is no us. There will never be an us.”

  Beck stood and walked to her. She felt his warm breath, the heat radiating from his core. Her thoughts drifted back to a full moon night, tangled up on her floor, the fireplace crackling in the corner.

  “I'm sorry for that. You were vulnerable. I should've known better.”

  Nina laughed incredulously. “It’s that attitude. Even if this could work out, it never would because you can't stop looking at me like a victim.”

  “I don't think you’re a victim. I don't think you’re weak, that you can't take care of yourself. But it doesn't mean that bad shit hasn’t happened to you. Bad shit that you can't control. It doesn't mean that you can't take help or lean on a friend. You don’t have to take on the entire world alone.”

  “I want you to know something, Beck,” Nina said, ignoring his words. “I want you to know that what happened between us, it did mean something to me. I wasn't just drunk on adrenaline. I think this is just how it goes sometimes. People come in and out of your life and they can mean a whole lot. They can serve a purpose. It just doesn't mean they were meant to stay there.”

  “Nina,” Beck started.

  “I think you should go. I think it would just be better if you go now. And if we see each other again, it needs to be just professional. We both know how this story ends.”

  Beck clenched his jaw and nodded curtly.

  “For the best. We’ve both been a little reckless.”

  “It’s what I’m good at,” Nina said.

  Beck took her hand and brought it close to him, tugging her body forward.

  “Beck, what are you doing?”

  Beck’s breath was heavy, his presence filling the space around them.

  “Let me look at you one more time in the way I want to look at you. Let me take you in and not have to worry that the way I’m looking at you will be misconstrued by those around me. This might be the last moment we have just the two of us before the world crumbles around us.”

  Nina closed her eyes and breathed in his words, savoring them.

  When Nina opened her eyes again, Beck's lips were only inches from hers. His breath was hot and sweet on hers. She felt the warmth of his body, its magnetism pulling her in.

  He brushed hair from her eyes, tenderly, gently. Her body instinctively moved closer and in a moment his lips were on hers. She let them linger in soft supplication. He pressed harder, pulling her closer with his mouth. She fell into him, letting her body fall into his. Letting her lips absorb his. Then they were gnashing, pulling, desperately trying to get closer to one another. She needed to be inside him to feel him. She needed him inside her. She needed her essence to intertwine with his. Because that was the only place she was ever going to feel safe. It might be the last time she was ever safe.

  “I think you might be dangerous,” Beck whispered through the shadows.

  “Figuratively and literally,” Nina said, her teeth gnashing into the pulsing skin of his neck.

  “Not a very reassuring response.”

  “My truth isn’t always comforting.”

  “Show me your flaws and I’ll show you mine.”

  Beck’s hand slid around her waist and then down to her backside. He leaned in and the anticipation of his lips on her sent her heart racing. He pulled her body into his then kissed her neck lightly—then with fervor—until she trembled.

  “I think danger might turn you on, Agent Graham,” Nina said, eyes half-lidded and heavy.

  His hand dexterously found the zipper of her jeans and whipped them down until they fell loose around her ankles. Nina slipped from her clothes. His lips came down on
hers, forcing them apart until she fell back against the wall from the weight of him. He plunged his tongue into the recesses of her mouth with desperate hunger.

  He hoisted her up into his massive arms, not prying his eager lips from hers. They fell back into the plush mattress and.

  “I want you,” Beck whispered against her ear. “More than I think I’ve ever wanted anything.”

  “Then take me.”

  Her body complied easily, molding to his.

  She heard a low, satisfied grumble right before she felt her panties rip from her skin with swift dexterity. She gasped as Beck plunged into her with tender force. It wasn’t long before her body tightened and erupted, Beck’s name escaping her lips as pleasure rippled through her. He echoed her release with a full body shudder before collapsing against her quaking skin. Their rapid staccato breath fell together, calming into a tandem rise and fall. Beck buried his head into the smooth crook of her neck and sighed in euphoric contentment.

  Chapter 32

  The dawn broke against the mountain sky and Nina heard Beck slip out of bed. She rolled over, her hands searching in the darkness for his company and warmth. But she found only the vacancy. In that precious moment between dreams and waking, she clung to his presence, so terrified that she would wake up and realize it was only just a dream.

  But even in her translucent state of mind, the realities of what hung before her were all too vibrant.

  She lay in bed, listening to the intermittent whine of an invisible mosquito that had wormed its way into the room. It circled tirelessly above the bed, refusing to land anywhere where she might put it out of its misery, occasionally swooping down to taunt her with a buzzing in her ear before zooming off again into the pitch darkness. She swatted to no avail. She opened her eyes finally and squinted through the darkness until her eyes adjusted to the silver light of Aurora. A black crow flew past the window like dark winged shadows. Nina shuddered as its caws ricocheted through the breaking dawn.

  Finally, Nina pushed herself from the bed and tried to focus on her plan of action. She knew what she was supposed to do, but she wasn't going to sit around like a fish in a barrel for Luther and his guys to find her. She trusted Beck's intention, she just didn't fully trust his acumen on the subject of Luther.

  First, she needed to put something in her stomach. She went over to the supplies that Beck had brought the night before. She rummaged through and pulled out the veggies, munching down on some cut up baby carrots. The food felt like ash on her tongue. She couldn't taste it, she could only feel the sharp textures.

  She knew it was way too early, but she grabbed a beer anyway.

  The room was stuffy and smelled like sex and sweat. It smelled like fear and regret. And guilt. All wrapped up into one remorseful cocktail.

  Nina pulled out her phone. She was instructed that she wasn't supposed to make any phone calls from within the safe house, but there was at least one person she had to talk to before she disappeared. She opened her phone and dialed her sister's number.

  She half expected Camilla not to answer, but after a few rings she heard her sister’s sugary voice, the tone reluctant.

  “Hello.”

  Nina’s words caught in her throat. She didn’t know what she was going to say, how she was going to explain anything.

  “Nina, are you there? Why are you calling?”

  “Hey Cammy,” she finally said.

  “What do you want?” Cammy said.

  “You know there are nicer ways to greet people you haven't talked to in a while,” Nina said.

  She heard Cammy sigh heavily through the phone.

  “I'm sorry. How are you?” Cammy said.

  “I'm good. The restaurant is doing well, keeping busy.”

  “Keeping out of trouble?” Cammy said with a healthy dose of salt to her tone.

  No matter what Nina did to make up for her mistakes, she would always be trash in Cammy's mind. Nina had shattered Cammy's perfect existence. How was she supposed to explain at the country club that her sister was a convicted international drug felon? In Nina's opinion, she thought it made Cammy’s existence a little more interesting than the rest of the vanilla graham cracker crowd she hung around with in Emerald Gates. But Cammy, unfortunately, did not share that opinion.

  Some days Nina felt like she deserved a parade for how far she’d come. But no one was going to throw her so much as a coffee break. Certainly not Cammy.

  Nina heard the soft whimper of the baby in the background. Her heart felt lighter.

  “Is that Abby?” Nina said hopefully.

  Cammy hesitated on the other end. “Yes.”

  “How is she doing? You haven't sent me a picture in a while.”

  Cammy sighed, exacerbated. “She's fine. Look Nina what do you want? I’m really busy.

  “I just wanted to talk to you. For fuck’s sake Cammy, you’re my sister.”

  “Can you please watch your language?”

  Nina envisioned her sister putting her hand over the receiver so that Abby wouldn't hear it somehow across the room.

  Nina sighed. “I'm sorry. I just never talk to you anymore.”

  “Well, Nina we don't exactly have a lot in common anymore you know?”

  “I paid for what I did you know. How long are you going to hold it against me?”

  “Have you spoken with mom lately?” Cammy said, ignoring the question. The self-righteousness bubbled in her sister’s tone.

  “Not in a while.”

  “Hmm. I see.”

  Sometimes Nina didn’t even know why she tried. “Well, I just wanted to say that I'm probably going to be traveling soon. So, I might be hard to reach. Just in case, well, just if you did need to reach me.”

  The was a silent pause. “Travel? To where? I wouldn’t think they’d allow you to have a passport.”

  Leave it to Cammy to remember all the tiny morsels of her probation.

  “I've applied to get it back and it looks like due to my lack of threat to society and all that, they're going to give it to me.”

  “Mmm. Well that's good, Nina. I'm happy for you. I hope it will be very cleansing.”

  She didn't even bother to ask where Nina may be going.

  “Okay, well. Just wanted to hear your voice again. I just wanted to see how Abby and Jacob are doing. Kent?”

  “He's fine. They're all fine. We’re all fine.”

  “Well then. I guess there's not really anything else to say. Bye, Cammy.”

  “Goodbye, Nina.”

  Nina hung up the phone and fell back against the bed.

  It was a jagged pill to swallow, but she was finally starting to realize that Cammy was never going to forgive her. Maybe once Abby and Jacob were grown, she could build a relationship with them separately. If Cammy hadn’t poisoned their little minds against her. She hadn't meant to hurt Cammy. And if she could go back and do it all over again she would. Every moment of it. But regrets were futile. The echoes of all their hearts breaking would stay with her forever.

  

  Nina spent the next few hours planning and researching. She had to get her finances in order and protected in the event that the Feds got the idea of freezing her assets. She had a will in place already with clear directions of what should happen to her home and business—it all went to Cammy’s kids.

  She had been stupid to think that her mistakes would never come back to her. Such a dumb child, high on the power. After a life of living in Cammy’s wide shadow, Nina finally mattered. She was a force, untouchable by Luther’s side. She wasn’t content to be just another gangster’s girlfriend. No, she was so much more than that. Because Luther was not a gangster. Luther was a master of the universe. She earned the respect of everyone quickly. There were those that resented her, but she’d earned her position and reputation fairly. And she’d thrived on the power.

  Her phone buzzed in her pocket and she snapped her laptop shut instinctively.

  “Jesus, breathe woman.”


  She snapped it out and checked her phone. A number she didn’t recognize lit up the screen. She almost ignored it but something told her not to.

  “Hello?”

  There was a weird energy emanating from the phone. The line was silent, a crackling, a rustling.

  Finally, a cracked voice on the other line said, “Nina?”

  It was Brooklyn. A terrified distorted Brooklyn.

  Nina heard a choking sound like sobs. “Nina? Nina are you there?” her friend’s voice poured into the phone.

  Nina was momentarily stunned. Words escaped her. She snapped to. “Brooklyn? Yes, B, I'm here. What's wrong? Where are you?”

  “Nina, they, they, they have me.”

  Nina almost dropped the phone.

  “Who has you?”

  A maniacal laugh replaced Brooklyn’s sobs.

  “Now, now Nina. You weren’t thinking about leaving town were you?” Luther’s smooth voice traversed distances. Dangerously seductive, like an aged scotch you know will pack a bigger punch than you're prepared for.

  “You bastard. If you lay a hand on her,” Nina said.

  “You'll do what exactly?” Luther said. He waited a beat and when Nina failed to respond with a compelling threat, went on. “I tell you what, I'll make you a deal. You come down to my place, hand yourself over to me, and little Brooklyn here can run home. I won’t hurt a hair on this pretty, innocent head. And it really is quite pretty.”

  “Like I believe that for a second,” Nina said, seething.

  "True. She’s not so innocent, is she?”

  “Why would I turn myself over to you? You’ll just kill us both.”

  “I can understand why you would think that of me. It's something I might do. To someone else. But have I ever lied to you, my cat?”

  “Of course, you have! Every word that ever came out of your mouth was a lie.”

  Luther chuckled. “Ye of little faith. Well I'll say this much is true. If you don't come turn yourself in, there's 100% chance that I'll kill Brooklyn. But not before I let everyone in my organization have their way with her. What do you think about that? How long do you think she’ll last, every hour, on the hour? I don’t know, she strikes me as the kind of girl who’s up for an adventure. Maybe she’ll enjoy it. Would you like to ask her?”