The Redemption Lie

by Amanda J. Clay

  “It doesn't excuse my mistakes.”

  Brooklyn shrugged. “I guess we've all made some pretty stupid youthful mistakes.”

  “Do you hate me?” Nina said.

  Unexpectedly, Brooklyn’s hand shot out and took Nina's.

  “What? No. I could never hate you. You didn’t do this to me. He did.”

  “Wait a minute. Where’d you get a gun and where the hell did you learn to shoot like that?”

  “Snagged it off the table when that Badger idiot wasn’t looking. And girl, I’m from the ghetto. That was bush league.”

  Nina fell into Brooklyn and squeezed her tightly.

  Chapter 39

  Once the dust had settled and they were safely back at the station and able to think clearly, Beck was furious at her. Nina could actually feel Beck’s anger radiating from his skin as they sat across from each other at the station, both clutching cups of ashy coffee. The vein in his forehead was pulsing like a cartoon character. She kind of wanted to laugh but thought better of it.

  “Can you just say something please?” Nina said.

  Beck rubbed a hand over his face and shook it out. He cracked his neck.

  “What the fuck were you thinking Nina?”

  “I already told you I had to save Brooklyn.”

  “That's when you call the police. Or call me. You don't just go all rogue vigilante on your own.”

  “You don't know anything about these guys. They would have killed her had I told you.

  And I'm sorry, but Brooklyn’s life is worth a hell of a lot more than your damn case.”

  “This isn't just about the case! This is about your safety. This is about your life. Because that matters to me.”

  There was an awkward moment between them, as the word sunk in.

  “I'm sorry,” Nina said with little inflection.

  Beck shook his head. “No, you're not. Don't say things you don't mean.”

  Nina Shrugged. “Fine, I'm not sorry. And I’d do it all over again. But everything worked out. C’mon, I left you the coordinates.”

  Beck glared at her to show that wasn’t going to cut it.

  “We're safe, Brooklyn’s safe. Everybody got out alive and you have some nice juicy suspects to show for it.”

  “Luther’s still out there,” Beck said.

  Nina felt a chill go up her spine. She knew that.

  “Yes,” she said calmly. “You were never going to take Luther.”

  “Aren’t you worried?” Beck asked.

  Nina closed her eyes against the fear. “He will come after me, I know that. But I’m prepared. The time for fear is past.”

  “Do you have any idea how pissed Martinez is at you?” Beck said.

  “I don't think I really care much about what Martinez thinks.”

  Beck laughed incredulously. “Well you should. You’re still on probation. Don’t you realize what that means? It’s not going to take much for them to throw you back in.”

  Nina laughed. “You think I would really allow myself to go back? I’ll kill myself before that happens.”

  “Don’t say things like that.”

  “Then don’t make threats like that. I’m not a child, Beck. You can’t scare me with idle threats.”

  “Martinez is not idle. I know he looks a bit like a dopey country cop, but he’s a hardened agent. He’s bent on retiring soon and he will not let you fuck that up by screwing his last big case. If you get in the way of him busting this thing, he’ll come after you.”

  “Luther, Martinez, anyone else?” Nina said flippantly.

  “You’re impossible,” Beck said, pushing himself up from the table.

  “Tell it to the judge. Am I free to go already? I’m exhausted, sore and really just want a hot shower and my own bed.”

  Beck looked hesitant but nodded. “Sure. Yeah. Don’t go far because they’ll probably have follow-up questions.”

  Nina stood and pulled on her coat. Despite the summer heat, she was freezing. Her body ached.

  “Can I…can I come with you? Keep you company?” Beck said.

  Nina’s fingers lingered on the doorknob. She didn’t dare turn around. She wanted to fling around and run into his arms. Beg him to hold her all night, protect her from the wolves at her door.

  “You know that’s not a good idea,” Nina said.

  Beck raked a hand through his sweaty hair, unkempt and a little overgrown. “I know. None of this has been a good idea.”

  “What are you going to tell Martinez?”

  “Not sure I have to tell him anything.”

  Nina nodded. “Good. But no. You can’t come.”

  She mustered the courage to turn around. She met his eyes, penetrating, searing right through the center of her.

  “Thank you, Beck. For everything you’ve tried to do to help me. But there’s nothing more you can do, ok?”

  Beck said nothing. It was a silence she couldn’t bear. A realization that she had not, in fact, learned her lesson. That the pain was not over, nor would it ever be. She would just continue to do this to herself over and over again with apparently no capacity to learn from her error. It was like waking from the same nightmare on a loop; a tortuous carnival ride spinning her through burning flames. And she had her hand on the control, but couldn’t remove it.

  “I’ll see you at the hearing,” Nina finally said and left the room.

  Chapter 40

  “Wine?” Nina asked.

  “All the wine,” Brooklyn said with a wide endearing grin as she plopped down on Nina’s couch.

  Her face had settled into a lovely shade of bruised plumb, but she was in good spirits regardless.

  Nina opened a bottle of Pinot and grabbed two glasses. She filled them and handed one to Brooklyn.

  “How are you?” Nina asked.

  “I’m good,” Brooklyn said, a little squeal in her voice.

  “B, be honest. Are you really ok?”

  Brooklyn took a huge sip and sighed. “I am surviving. I would be full of shit if I didn’t acknowledge that was traumatic as all fuck. The thing is, I’ve been raped before. And when those guys were groping me, saying all the things they were going to do to me. I thought, ok, you’ve been through this before and you survived. You’ll survive this. Just go to a different place. But I mean I really thought I was going to die in that disgusting hell hole.”

  Nina squeezed her hand. “You’re the very definition of a survivor.”

  “It’s not fair. Them being the stronger sex with weapons attached to their groins. I mean, they have this weapon they can use against us at any time.”

  Nina laughed slightly. “And most aren’t afraid to use it. It’s the sad fact of the world.”

  Nina remembered how they’d used her, not for pleasure but for the pure act of trying to take away her dignity. But she’d refused to acquiesce.

  Brooklyn breathed and wiped a rogue tear from her flushed cheek. “So, Beck.”

  Nina dropped her friend’s hand and laughed. “What about him?”

  “He seems pretty amazing,” Brooklyn said.

  Nina forced a smile. “He is.”

  “And painfully hot.”

  Nina chuckled. “Agreed.”

  “What’s the problem then?”

  Nina shifted her shoulders uncomfortably. She tipped more wine into Brooklyn’s glass.

  “Nina. I said, what’s the problem?”

  “Yeah, I heard you.” Nina sighed. “C’mon, Brooklyn. Nothing can happen there. I have a criminal record. I’m not even sure it’s legal for us to go down that road.”

  “A little late for that, isn’t it?”

  “What makes you say that?”

  “Feminine intuition. You’re always saying we need to trust it more,” Brooklyn winked. “And I don’t think it’s illegal. Just presents some obstacles. But since when did you ever take the easy path?”

  “This isn’t just taking the path of least resistance. It’s accepting the reality. He’s a DEA agent. And a
damn good one. I’m a felon. There isn’t another reality.”

  “You don’t know that.”

  Nina tilted her head. “C’mon, B, would you ever even entertain something like this?”

  “I’m not you. For you, I think it’s different. You’re something special. Someone people bend the rules for.”

  Nina’s cheeks burned and she turned away.

  “Do you want to be one of those people, Nina?” Brooklyn went on.

  “What people?”

  “Those shell-of-a-person people. Those people who you see walking empty and you think, what happened to her? What broke her? Because if you don’t start to forgive yourself, to think you’re worth something, then you will be.”

  Nina felt her defenses go up.

  “I don’t need the therapist treatment. Being a realist doesn’t give me low self-esteem. It just makes me honest.”

  “You know I’ve spent my entire life putting on a happy face, pretending that everything’s A-ok, even when the world was crumbling to shit right at my ankles.”

  “That’s your problem. No one asked you to be Miss Merry Sunshine 24/7,” Nina teased.

  “I don’t know about that. Did anyone ask you to be moody and difficult all the time? We get so used to our front stage persona that we forget how to turn it off, even around those closest to us. I find myself putting on airs even in front of people that are supposed to be the closest to me. Hell, even when it’s just myself and my shadow. That’s probably why we’re all so damn good at lying to ourselves. We have enough practice at it.”

  It was true. After knowing Brooklyn for years, she finally saw a new side to her. They sat quietly for a few minutes, sipping their wine.

  Finally, Nina said, “Beck won’t stay here, anyway. Once this case is closed, he’ll get reassigned.”

  “But the case isn’t closed. It’s just getting started.”

  “Since when are you a DEA expert?” Nina said.

  Brooklyn shrugged playfully. “Common sense, Nina.”

  “None of it matters. I can’t stay here. It’s too dangerous.”

  Brooklyn’s expression fell, resigned, but she forced a thin regretful smile. “Where will you go?”

  “Not sure. Overseas somewhere. That’s probably safest. Luther’s still alive. They’ll have scared him underground for now, but it’s only a matter of time.”

  “Will any of us ever be safe? Me and the rest of the girls—will they come after us again?” Brooklyn said. Her tone wasn’t accusing, merely factual.

  “I don’t know. I wish I could promise you otherwise.”

  Brooklyn nodded, resolved. “Maybe I should take a trip then, too.”

  “Maybe. I’m so sorry—”

  “No more sorries, Nina. They don’t change anything. And I know you are. I’ll be alright. You just worry about yourself. Keep yourself safe.”

  Nina smiled warmly at her friend. Yes, she would keep herself safe. But she knew there was only one way to do that. She had to kill Luther.

  Chapter 41

  Despite her bone-deep exhaustion, Nina hardly slept that night. Fitful dreams tore at her consciousness until she finally pulled herself from bed and went to the living room. She clicked on the gas fireplace and sat, mindlessly staring into the flames. Toulouse purred against her leg. She scratched his head, then pulled him into her lap. He nestled into her and tears slipped down her cheek.

  She’d purposefully chosen a cat over a dog for the sole purpose that she thought she’d get less attached. Cats were fickle, independent, perfectly happy to live life on their own. A dog would have been helpless without her. And she no longer had that kind of room for that kind of attachment in her life. She laughed now at the absurdity as she realized just how much she was going to miss this fussy feline.

  “I guess you're the last thing in my life worth saying goodbye to,” Nina said. Toulouse purred into her stomach.

  She thought of Beck. She hadn’t really said goodbye to him. He didn’t know that she had no intention of showing up to the hearing or that he’d likely never see her again. A pang of sadness and guilt shot through her, but she couldn’t risk telling him. She just hoped he’d know that she’d miss him.

  She hoped he knew it was the price of staying alive.

  Not even Nina knew just how far Luther's reach stretched. There was a good chance that as soon as they all let their guard down, thought they were free, they'd all get their throats slit in their own bed. No, she refused to live like that. She refused to let Beck live like that.

  She shook off all the sentiments and proceeded to pack her things. She grabbed all her documents, a few changes of clothing, some essentials, toiletries, and some weapons. She strapped her knife to her leg holster, slid her pistol into her back holster, and put an extra pistol in her bag. Neither was registered of course, but at this point she was past caring about the law. She would have to do what she must to keep herself safe. She grabbed her laptop and the portable IP hotspot. She knew a few people in the dark web that would be able to get her a passport, she could be on a plane to Thailand in 36 hours. If she lasted that long.

  She didn’t know where Luther would have fled to or where he might ride out the search, but she knew a few people who could track him down. It was risky and it would cost her, but it was worth it. She had to find him; it was the only way. As soon as she was somewhere safe, she’d start her search.

  She said goodbye to Toulouse one last time and let him out the back door.

  She heard footsteps suddenly outside. She heard the crack of leaves and branches. She thought she heard a muffled whisper.

  She snapped to attention and fell against the wall. She breathed, strained her ears to listen. Quietly she reached along the wall to shut off the lights. She swiftly snapped her gun out of her holster and cocked it. Her heart was racing, her pulse was racing, her palms were sweating. Fear coursed through her veins like blood, hot and viscous.

  Carefully she stepped through the shadows, quietly, not even wanting to breathe, afraid that whoever it was would hear her.

  She gently pulled aside the curtains a finger’s width apart and glanced outside. She didn't see anything and for a moment she thought maybe she had just heard the rustle of the wind or a wild animal beginning its nocturnal dealings. She breathed slowly. She was just being paranoid. Her senses were on overdrive.

  Then she heard the distinct whisper of human voices.

  Chapter 42

  Nina swallowed hard, her throat feeling like cement. The hair on the nape of her neck, the faint fuzz on her upper arms, all stood to attention. A chill cemented at the base of her spine.

  She opened the curtains a little wider in dared a peek. Sure enough, she saw shadows, humans, draped in black. They looked like night burglars prowling about. Could they be burglars? No, there was no chance of that—there were far more tempting houses on the lake to target. Luther had sent them.

  She hadn’t been fast enough.

  She breathed in and out slowly. Okay Nina, think hard. Get it together, stay calm.

  She would just have to be faster than them. She would need to take them out.

  She reached into her bag as quietly as she could and pulled out the silencer. She fastened it to the end of her gun.

  Nina had been guilty of a lot of things over the years. She’d lied, she’d cheated. She’d betrayed those whom she was supposed to love and who were supposed to trust her. But she had never committed violence against another person, at least not directly or intentionally. She had certainly seen what could happen in the world of drugs by default, but ironically she was still a pacifist by nature. She had always prayed that she would never have to take another life. It had helped her sleep at night when her other sins would not.

  But here she was, at the edge of the precipice, facing down her biggest fear.

  She breathed, in and out. She prayed to the God she wasn't sure she believed in anymore.

  She crept over to the front door and waited. She heard the
lock jiggle. She heard the knob jiggle. And then she heard a low silenced gunshot take out the knob. She took a deep breath and waited.

  Slowly the door opened. She held her gun upright. She prayed that they were in fact the bad guys, she wasn't about to kill somebody innocent.

  She reminded herself that innocent people didn’t break into your house in the middle of the night dressed like burglars. She took a deep breath.

  The door opened and the figures burst through. Nina didn't give herself a chance to think. She fired. One went down. The other one flashed around and fired but she was faster and had already ducked. She rolled on the ground and then rolled and pointed the gun directly at his face. He instantly dropped his own gun.

  The assailant was tall and muscular, dressed head-to-toe in black, his face covered in a black ski mask. He raised his hands, slowly and deliberately. She heard his slow breathing, husky and gravely.

  “C’mon, don’t Shoot!” he said, “Come on you…you don’t want to do this.”

  “Yes I fucking do,” she said. She said a prayer and fired, directly into his chest. The body collapsed to the ground.

  Nina grabbed her bag and took off running. Surely there would be backup just around the corner. She ran toward her Jeep, her heart racing and pounding. She fumbled with the keys. She pulled them out and clicked the beeper. Nothing. She frantically pressed the button but it wouldn’t work. Dammit. She fumbled to stick the keys into the door. She reached for the handle. Before her fingers could fully wrap around the door handle, she felt the cold grasp of somebody grabbing her arm. She shrieked and spun around. Something pressed to her mouth. A cloth. Chemical. The next thing she knew the world had gone dark.

  Chapter 43

  Nina’s consciousness came back to her, in slow blurred waves, her desire to survive fighting through the darkness.

  Her eyes peeled open, slowly, resisting, like they'd been super glued shut. Her head throbbed her tongue was stuck to the roof of her parched mouth.

  She forced her eyes to focus, but at first all she could take in was the shadows, a contrast of light and dark. Finally, the room came into focus, colors bleeding into her eyes and taking shape until she could recognize the scene. It was some kind of house. She was on a wooden floor. She smelled the oak and the pine, mustiness. She could feel the damp air surrounding her. A cabin.