Only You (A Sweet Torment Novel)

by Joya Ryan

  I glanced over my shoulder and thought of what Leo had said to me the night at the gala. I was a woman that wanted to be chased, but not caught. Right then, I didn’t feel like much of either. I felt empty. Lost. With no hope of ever being found.

  “Why don’t you come back to the house, Paige? Amy is waiting for you. We can call Leo and tell him where you are.”

  I shook my head. “You can tell Leo he was right.” I forced the tremble in my voice down and saved the little pride I had left. “I don’t want to be caught.”

  With that, I reached out and hailed a cab.

  “Just come stay with me,” Amy said, coming to sit on the mattress next to me.

  “Yeah, Paige, this place is . . .” Hazel looked around and winced. “Drafty.”

  Sure, the Albany Bluepark Hotel wasn’t five stars, but I wasn’t about to waste the little bit of money I’d saved over the past few months. I needed it for a deposit on a place.

  “I’m going to look at a studio tomorrow.”

  “Paige, I’m so sorry. You are my friend and I love you. I never meant to keep you at a distance,” Amy said, and her big blue eyes went wide with tears. I knew she felt bad. I also knew she did what she and Roman thought best. They had both been calling me like crazy earlier and I wasn’t about to ignore them. I did, however, have an overwhelming urge to be alone and disappear beneath the covers and not come out until the hole in my chest healed.

  But I was getting less confident it would ever heal completely.

  “It’s okay,” I said, leaning back against the headboard and looking at the ceiling.

  “No, it’s not,” Amy said, but now the tears were in her throat. Hazel sat down and with the three of us on the bed, we took turns hugging.

  “It’s really okay,” I said to both of them. “I’m fine.”

  Hazel shook her head. “No, Paige, you’re not.”

  Amy nodded her agreement with Hazel. “Roman said Leo’s been calling. There was an issue in London.”

  I glanced at my hands and all the sadness, anger, and pure despair I’d been trying to keep at bay threatened to explode. I said the only thing I felt.

  “I’m tired,” I said, water rimming my eyes. Amy and Hazel looked at me and all I could do was sigh. “I’m so tired of not being believed.”

  Hazel nodded. “I know, sweetie.” She rubbed my shoulder. “But Paige, you have to let someone in. Then they’d see what an amazing, honest person you are.”

  “I did. I . . . told Leo things I’d never told anyone. I . . .” I wiped the back of my hand over my eyes.

  Amy hugged me quick and then, with her hands on my shoulders, looked me dead in the eye. “I don’t know all the details, but I do know that guys can be stupid. They act without thinking sometimes and say things they don’t mean. Give Leo a chance to explain.”

  I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter.”

  “Of course it does,” Hazel argued.

  “No,” I cut in, “it doesn’t. Because it doesn’t change who I am. And I don’t fit in his world. I never have. I never will.” Amy and Hazel went to argue some more and I just put up my hand. “I know you guys are trying to make me feel better, but could I be alone right now?”

  They exchanged glances, then nodded. “Okay. Will you call us tomorrow?”

  “Sure,” I said. They got up and walked out, both sparing me several sad glances. “I do appreciate you two, I just need to get a handle on things.”

  “We understand,” Hazel said and they walked out. I closed the door behind them and walked into the bathroom to splash water on my face. I needed to get a grip. This pain in the middle of my chest was spreading. It hurt to move, to breathe. Like my soul had been ripped from my throat and all I wanted to do was cry. Because I felt it. For the first time, so hard and powerful it almost made me topple over.

  “He’s gone,” I whispered to my reflection. What hurt more was that he was never mine to have in the first place.

  When a knock came at the door, I dried my face quickly and went to open it. “Did you forget something?” I asked, thinking it was Hazel or Amy, but my words died when I saw the last woman I expected standing before me.

  “Hi, Paige,” Regan said. “Do you mind if I come in?”

  I let out a long breath. “To be honest with you, Regan, I can’t take anymore. I know you don’t want me with your brother and you got your wish, okay? Please just spare me the—”

  “I was here to apologize,” she said. “So, may I come in?” I swallowed hard and let her in. She looked around for a moment, then faced me.

  “How did you know where I was staying?”

  “Leo’s not the only one with connections.” She smiled. “That and Amy and I have become friends since she started seeing Roman. When I asked her about you, she let me know you were staying here.” Right. Family friends and whatnot. Regan took a deep breath, then fixed her dark eyes on me. “I’m very sorry for what I’ve said to you in the past, Paige.”

  “You were right, Regan.”

  “No, I wasn’t. And it wasn’t until I got a call from Leo yesterday that I realized how wrong I was. This whole time I was trying to protect him. I didn’t want him to feel the loss he did when Sara left.”

  I nodded. I could understand that. She was his sister and cared about him. “I didn’t leave him, Regan.”

  She shook her head. “He was frantic. I heard the devastation in his voice.”

  Anger and sadness and exhaustion boiled over. Tears flooded my eyes and I couldn’t hold back. Couldn’t be polite and pretend that my world wasn’t in tatters.

  “I love him,” I snapped, and palmed my forehead, feeling the overwhelming truth of that statement. Love had teeth and it was ripping at my chest.

  Regan gasped and her eyes got a little glossy.

  “I love him and he didn’t believe me when I needed him to. So I appreciate your coming here, but it won’t change that Leo and I aren’t going to work.”

  “Forgive me, I shouldn’t have tried to defend him,” Regan whispered. “I just want you to know I see now what you mean to him, and I’ll stand by you both.”

  “There’s nothing to stand by.”

  “I disagree.”

  I laughed a little because the way she said that reminded me of Leo and how his tone took on the same sharp sting whenever he spoke of something he cared about.

  “Why?” I said.

  She frowned at me. “Because I love my brother, and if you’re important to him, you’re important to me. Families stand by each other, no matter what.” When Regan hugged me, a fresh stream of tears trailed down my cheeks. She wasn’t even my real family and she was here.

  “Thank you,” I whispered.

  She stepped back and rifled through her purse. “Now, I want you to know I understand needing space, but if I was able to find you, Leo will be able to as well.”

  I wanted to argue that I didn’t think Leo was necessarily wanting to see me, but it didn’t really make a difference.

  “But I did tell one person I was coming to see you . . .” Regan pulled a well-used origami fortune-teller from her purse. It was the same one I’d made Lyssa on her birthday. “She wanted me to bring this to you. Said maybe you could use its magic.”

  She handed me the paper and I took it, trying not to blubber all over it.

  “Thank you,” I said, and Regan nodded.

  “Well, I’ll let you rest, but here.” She handed me another piece of paper, only this one had a phone number on it. “Whatever happens, you can call me, okay?”

  I nodded and between the two pieces of paper, I felt a little less alone. When Regan left, I sat on the bed, put my fingers into the origami, and asked it the one question that had been on my mind.

  “Does Leo love me?”

  I counted through the steps and arrived at the answer. Problem was, I couldn’t bring myself to read it.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  I woke up to a loud, booming knock on the front door. After Regan l
eft the night before, I binged on junk food and reality TV and asked the fortune-teller several questions about my future. All of which didn’t look promising. In the end, I still felt like shit.

  I got up and smoothed my shirt down, which was pointless, and tried to tame my hair. But between the lack of a hair tie and pulling a Cheeto out of one of the tangles, I didn’t think anything could subdue the red swamp I was currently rocking.

  And in that moment, I didn’t really care.

  I opened the door, ready to tell housekeeping I had plenty of towels when my face drained of all blood.

  Leo.

  He looked me over with a wild, relieved look. One I only saw for a moment because then his brows sliced down and he said, “What the fuck, Paige?”

  He grabbed my shoulders and pulled me into his arms for a hug, then jerked me back again only to look at me once more. It was like he’d been . . . worried. About me.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked.

  “I couldn’t find you, didn’t know where you went. I called Roman and he said you were coming back to the states, but no one would tell me where you were.” Something tortured crossed his face and I felt a ping of guilt. Leo had been scared? For me? “I finally got it out of Hazel where you were staying.” He shook his head. “Why did you leave, Paige?”

  “Ah, you told me to.”

  “Bullshit!” He squeezed me harder and something that looked like tears lined his lower lashes. “I never told you to leave. I was mad. Confused . . .”

  “You didn’t believe me,” I whispered, those same stupid tears creeping up. Seeing Leo was too much. Too hard. From the way his eyes seared me to his smell, I couldn’t handle him being this close. Because all it made me want was more. More of him. Forever. And that wasn’t happening.

  “I fucked up, Paige. I didn’t know what to believe. I’m sorry.”

  I shook my head. I had kept things from him, but it hurt. “I trusted you, Leo.”

  “I know, angel. I’m so sorry. When I saw Colin and the report and everything snowballed, I just thought—”

  “Thought the worst of me,” I muttered.

  “No.” He cupped my face. “I thought I was losing you.” Tears trailed down my cheeks, hitting his thumbs. “I can’t explain. It just felt like you were slipping away, that everything we’d had was too good. For months I’d been fighting myself. I knew from the beginning I didn’t deserve you and when everything happened at the meeting, I just lost it.”

  “Wait,” I gasped. “You think I’m too good for you?”

  He smiled. “You’re perfect, angel. From the moment I met you, I knew. And I’ll make it up to you, if you let me. Prove to you I’m worthy.” He pulled a folded piece of paper from his back pocket and handed it to me. “Here.”

  “What’s this?” I asked, taking the paper. Water lined my eyes as I unfolded the document and realized there were two letters.

  “This one here”—he pointed to his extensive resume, the stated objective being to win Paige Levine’s heart—“is pretty persuasive on why you should give me another chance.” He smiled a little. “I will forever put your needs first”—his finger slid to the top—“and here you’ll see I hold the record for highest jump in a bouncy castle.” I laughed, and Leo went on, “But this letter is the one I really want you to see.” He gently grabbed the second piece of paper and placed it on top so I could read it.

  It was my letter of recommendation.

  My lips parted on a strangled breath when I realized what he’d written.

  Sentence after sentence of all the things he loved about me.

  “Paige Levine, you are the strongest, smartest, most incredibly fierce woman I’ve ever known. You don’t need my recommendation, angel. You’re beyond anything I could ever hope to measure up to.”

  I laughed and sobbed at the same time. The tears crashed even harder. This whole time I’d felt I didn’t fit into Leo’s world, and he had been thinking the same about me. Only he thought the best of me.

  “You believe me then?”

  Leo nodded. “I do. I found out that Colin set up everything. He used you to get to me. Kyros admitted he’d accidentally let word about the slip . . . slip.” Leo’s charming smile was almost enough to make me forget the heartache pulsing in my chest. Almost.

  “I don’t know if things can go back, Leo.”

  “I don’t want them to go back. I want them to go forward. Us. Together.”

  I shook my head. “There’s so much between us. What you want and what I can give you are two different things.”

  “It doesn’t matter. I want you. That’s it.”

  “You want a family.”

  He nodded and pulled me closer. “I want you to be my family.”

  Guilt and sadness raced through me because I never wanted Leo to resent me. Now or later. “I don’t think I’ll be enough for you.”

  “Yes you are, damn it. I love you.” Something like honest-to-God pain came over his face. “I didn’t want to, but I do, so much. I know better. I know what it feels like to put your trust into someone and they break it. When I realized you were gone, I knew how badly I messed up.” He placed his forehead against mine and whispered, “I’m so sorry.”

  My chin quivered and those tears came crashing again. “You make me weak.”

  He nodded. “You make me weak too.”

  “I don’t like it,” I said. “This was supposed to be temporary.”

  “We were meant for many things, Red. Temporary isn’t one of them.”

  “What about your deal?”

  He smiled. “Are you always thinking about work?”

  “Well”—I shrugged and wiped my eyes—“we worked hard on that. Did you get the slip?”

  He nodded. “Colin didn’t have the funds to back up his mouth. By the end of the meeting, Jes was begging me to buy.”

  “I’m happy for you, Leo.”

  “Don’t be yet. There’s one big condition first.”

  “What’s that?”

  “I told Jes and Zander that you and I were a team. If he wants to do business with me, he has to do business with you. And you have to be okay with this.”

  “You . . . you want me?”

  He nodded. “Forever, Paige. Whatever team you’re on is where I want to be.”

  “But what about the stories? My reputation?”

  “I know who you are. And I swear I’ll never lose sight of that again.”

  I smiled and, holding the letter of recommendation I had worked for, kissed him so hard I felt his smile against my mouth. “I love you,” I whispered.

  “I love you too.”

  Epilogue

  Have you seen the revenue report this quarter?” I asked, walking into Leo’s—our—bedroom. “With the added route to London and the new slip, we’re doubling not only in profit but—”

  “Calm down, Red. It’s almost midnight. And work is over, time for play.” He winked and pulled me onto the bed.

  Cathy, Leo’s assistant, came back a few months ago, gushing about her newly born son and showing a ton of pictures. She took over her old job and Leo made me his project manager.

  It was the best job in the world. I got to oversee certain events and deals and felt part of the team. I was also lead planner on Lyssa’s seventh birthday. Though it was still a ways off, she’d put in the request for my services and this time, I wouldn’t disappoint. I’d never been happier.

  “Did you see the picture Cathy brought in of Sammy? The one where he’s eating baby food for the first time?”

  Leo nodded and kissed down my neck. “Cute kid.”

  I looked at the ceiling. “Yeah.” And for the first time, I meant it.

  I’d never loved the idea of motherhood, mostly because I didn’t think I was built that way, but Leo made me feel lots of things, including capable. Having a person running around that was half him and half me seemed so . . . amazing.

  “Are you ever going to tell your friends we’re getting married
?” Leo said.

  I glanced at the engagement ring on my finger. “Soon.”

  He looked at me. “What’s wrong, Red? You’re obviously thinking about something.”

  I nodded. “I was thinking about kids.”

  “Oh.” Then he cursed. “Did my mom say something to you? Don’t let her make you feel bad. I just want you. I don’t need—”

  “Will you shut up?” I smiled and kissed him.

  Leo was so amazing that even knowing my stance on no kids, he still proposed to me. Saying something about as long as he had me he had it all and all things romantic. But I knew how important a family was to him and honestly, the more I thought about it, the more I wanted a baby. His baby.

  I pushed him on his back, tugged his pants down, got naked in two seconds flat, and straddled him.

  “I like where this is going.” He smiled.

  When I sank down on him, taking him all the way to the hilt, he hissed, then his eyes met mine. “Condom.”

  I shook my head.

  “But you’re not on the pill.”

  “I know.” I rose up, then down again and we moaned in unison. “If you want me to stop, I will. I know this is crazy. Timing isn’t perfect, but I love you, Leo. I want . . .”

  He cupped my face. “What do you want?”

  “A family.”

  He sat up and kissed me hard. “You sure?”

  I nodded, tears lining my eyes because when it came to Leo, I’d never been more sure about anything.

  “I love you so much,” I said.

  He gently moved inside of me, and it was the most amazing feeling in the world. I had Leo, he was every bit a part of me as my heart, and for the first time, I was confident in the unknown. The future. All I knew was that if it was with him, it would be amazing.

  Our never was turning into a never-ever after all.

  Acknowledgments

  Thank you, Maria, for being an amazing editor and for all your hard work! Thanks to the author team for all that you do! Thank you, Lindsay, for your wonderful developmental awesomeness! Thank you so much to Jill Marsal for being genuinely wonderful. Thank you so much to my amazing critique partner to whom I owe my sanity. Thank you to my family and friends for your never-ending support.