by Tawny Weber
Setting aside her worry over his mood, she melted at the images in his lap. He was so cute. She tapped her finger on the photo album, leaning close enough that her hair slid over his arm.
“You look so much like your mom,” she noted. “I don’t think I realized that. Of course, I don’t remember her well. Mostly the cookies she brought me to snack on while you were being tutored by my dad.”
“It was a long time ago,” Aiden said, closing the album and tossing it next to her basket.
“You must miss them a lot.” Her words were quiet, sympathetic. Since he didn’t look like he’d welcome it, she didn’t move. But she wanted so badly to reach out and wrap him in a tight hug.
“Yeah, well it’s been a long time.” As if sensing her hugging urges, he pushed away from the couch and strode over to the window to stare out. “I’ve got plenty to keep me busy, you know.”
What was up? She couldn’t figure out if he was sad, angry or what. He was definitely not himself, though. Trying to figure out the best tack to take to get him back to happy, Sage leaned forward, opening the basket she’d brought and digging inside.
“Are you thirsty?” she asked, pretending she wasn’t gauging every second of his mood. “I brought champagne. I have chocolate cake in here, too. Cheese and crackers, some grapes and strawberries, two containers of Mrs. Green’s macaroni salad, and more chocolate.”
That got his attention.
Aiden turned from contemplating the window to give her a baffled expression.
“Why?”
“Well, you can never have too much chocolate,” she said with a straight face.
“And the rest of the picnic?”
“I was hungry. And I wanted to celebrate.”
The feast spread over the table now, she held out a small plate. He eyed her stubbornly cheerful expression for a moment, then sighed and walked over. He didn’t take the plate, though. Just stared at the food.
“Aren’t you hungry?” she asked, hoping he’d correctly interpret that to mean what’s the matter and how can I make it better?
“I had lunch a couple of hours ago.”
So much for his interpretive skills. Sage bit her lip, giving the champagne more attention than it needed. This wasn’t quite going as easily as she’d hoped.
“What are you celebrating?”
Her. Not them.
What the heck was grumping him out? Sage clenched her teeth into a stiff smile and fished the flutes out of the basket. Clearly she was going to have to dig past his mood before they could get to the fun stuff.
“No thanks,” he said when she started to pour the second glass.
“You’d make me celebrate alone?” A chill danced down her spine. She was starting to get the feeling that she’d be doing a lot more than celebrating alone. “Would you rather have a soda? Scotch? A shot of tequila?”
“You have all of that in your basket there?”
“You’d be amazed at what I have in my basket here,” she teased. Then, hoping he’d change his mind, she poured the second glass and silently set it on the table.
“So?” he prompted impatiently. “You still haven’t said what you’re celebrating.”
She’d hoped to be celebrating a little togetherness. Possibly share a few whispered maybes and tentative possibilities?
Maybe after she shared her news and they sipped a little bubbly he’d share his grump and she could fix it. The only way she’d find out if it’d work was to get started.
“I’ve got a new job... No,” she corrected, taking a deep breath to try and calm the nerves bouncing in her belly. She lifted her glass. “A career.”
His eyes lit for a brief second, then the delight washed away, leaving that military stoicism she loved so much.
“You? A career?” He shook his head. “Next you’re going to tell me you want to go to work on Wall Street peddling fake stocks to bilk little old ladies out of their life savings.”
“Eww, yuck. But you’re right, that’s pretty close to my definition of a career. At least, it was before.”
Before she’d lost that always nagging urge to run that’d dogged her for so many years. Contentment wrapped around her, as comfortable as a warm, cozy blanket.
“I took a position with this great publisher who’s been trying to get me to write for them for years. Usually, I just send them an article or two when I needed money, but I figured with everything going on,” she waved her hand to indicated that vague everything, “I’d like something a little more settled.”
“You mean you’re going to write a few articles for them?”
“No, I’ve actually agreed to be a monthly columnist for two of their publications, as well as write a series of articles. One about the climate, another on aging pets.”
“You signed a contract?”
She wrinkled her nose at the shock in his tone.
“Sure,” she said. Suddenly starving, she grabbed a handful of grapes from the table, popping a couple in her mouth. “I figured my dad has that surgery next week, so I’ll be here for at least the next month or two. That gives me time to get used to it, and it’ll keep my mind off things after you’re gone.”
“You’re serious?”
“I am. I’m really excited about it, too,” she told him, feeling that same content joy she had earlier when she’d got off the phone with the editor. “I think I’ve finally found my perfect focus, you know?”
“You think so?”
Brows creased at his tone, she inspected his face trying to see what was going on in there.
“I do think so,” she said, still looking. “It’s a mobile sort of job so I can do it from here while my dad’s still recovering, then from, you know, wherever I want later.”
Like, maybe down south on the naval base. Or in Coronado, in a cute little beachside place off base with a view and room for a garden.
“Handy benefit,” Aiden said quietly, his look still so distant she felt like he was already back in Coronado.
“I want to do a few articles, write my column for a month or so to get settled into the idea of a deadline. Then, in a month or so after my dad is stable, I was thinking it’d be cool to come to the navy base. I’d like to check out the military angle. You know, there are a lot of great programs out there, but some that don’t get any attention. I could help with that.”
“What? Military angles? Why?”
“Because they are important,” she said quietly. “I figured I’d do my usual thing. Talk to people, hang out, get an idea for what feels right. I was hoping I could run my list by you once I get rolling?” she said with a wide grin. She all but clapped her hands together, she was so excited. “Just to see what you think of them from an official military angle.”
“What brought all of this on?”
“It’s been in my head ever since dinner the other night,” she admitted, pacing in front of the couch as all the possibilities danced through her head. “Eric’s suggestion that I write something that’s more military seemed silly at first, but the more I thought about it, the more ideas I’ve had.”
“Don’t.”
“What?”
“Don’t change your life around. Especially not right now. Things are in flux, emotionally off-kilter because of everything that’s been going on.”
Sage stopped pacing. Not because she didn’t want to keep moving, but because her stomach was starting to churn and she figured staying still was smarter.
“Which everything might you be referring to?” she asked in her best professor’s daughter tone.
“Your father’s health, for one.”
“He’s doing a lot better. He’s stable enough for pancreatic surgery, and his odds of recovery from that are good.” That didn’t mean she wasn’t worried. But Dr. Brooke had assure
d her that this was a long road. It’d be silly to put her life on hold until they reached a new fork.
“Look, Sage, this is crazy.” He pushed his hand through his short hair and gave her a look of pure frustration. “You’re buying into this facade, the whole settling down, engaged couple, Villa Rosa future.”
She bit her lip. Facade?
Sure, their engagement was fake. But that didn’t mean their feelings were. At least, hers weren’t.
“I’m pretty clear on what’s fake and what’s real,” she pointed out gently. Getting angry was pointless. Besides, it’d ruin the celebration before they got to the naked parts.
“Sure, okay,” he agreed in a tone that said the exact opposite. She’d never wanted to take a pillow and smack him upside the head more than she did in that moment.
“I know real from fake, Aiden. Our engagement is fake. My loving you is real,” she blurted out.
Oh, hell. Panic surged through her system like a tornado, wreaking emotional destruction. Sage pressed her fingers against her lips in horror. Had she actually said that aloud?
Maybe it was frustration. It could have been the sight of his untouched champagne next to the photos of him as a little boy with his mother. Or maybe she’d simply kept it to herself for way too long.
It didn’t matter what it was. If his expression was anything to go by, she’d have been better to stuff her face into a pillow.
“You know, that’s the kind of admission a girl usually hopes will garner a happy reaction. Maybe a hug, a reciprocal declaration.” She folded her arms over her chest, as if that flimsy move would protect her heart. “But, hey, your look of oh, shit is appealing, too.”
“You don’t love me,” he told her, shaking his head. He sounded so sure, she almost nodded in automatic agreement.
Catching herself, she frowned instead.
“I think I know what I’m feeling,” she said tightly. At least, she was pretty sure she did.
“Sure, you think you do. But this is what you do, Sage. You throw yourself into the situation wholeheartedly. You’ve been playing loving fiancée so well, you’ve actually convinced yourself you love me.” He grimaced, then added in a tone that made her want to kick him, “Next thing, you’ll be convincing yourself that this engagement should be real instead of pretend.”
She clenched her teeth against the pain of hearing him dismiss her feelings, and her secret hope, so blithely. It wasn’t as though she really believed they had a chance. Or that she thought either of them, she or he, were marriage material.
But, dammit, she knew what she was feeling.
Before she could tell him that, he frowned, then sighed.
“Look, Sage, how many guys have you tried to save in your life? You get into their world, become their counselor, their nursemaid, their cheering section.” He waved all that away as if he were in need of, oh, absolutely nothing she had to offer. Then, as if afraid she hadn’t gotten the message, he added a verbal confirmation. “I don’t need that.”
“Are you saying you don’t care about me?”
He might not need what she had to offer. But the only way she’d be able to get past her own need to give him something, anything, besides her heart, was to hear it from his own mouth.
Aiden stared at his hands as if he were trying to gather his thoughts together. Finally, he met her gaze again.
“I do love you,” he admitted quietly. She took a quick breath, ready to explode with delight. Before she could say anything, before she even knew what to say, he shook his head. “But that’s not enough.”
“I love you and you love me. And that’s not enough?” she said faintly, her hands twisting together to keep from tossing them in the air at the craziness of that statement. “I’m sorry, Aiden. But I think that’s more than enough.”
“Look, the odds against marital success in the military are long. They’re even steeper in the SEALs. My team has had three guys pair up in the last few years. I figure they’ve called dibs on the positive relationship accomplishments for our platoon.”
“You don’t really believe that we don’t have a chance because someone else claimed the good relationship mojo first, do you?” Her words were somewhere between amused and baffled.
“I’m saying we don’t have a chance,” he clarified.
“Why?”
Aiden looked as if he was steeling himself for battle. His shoulders were stiff and his chin high. The expression on his face, so distant and dismissive, made her stomach churn.
“You’re not the kind to stick around, Sage. You flit from one quest to another. From this relationship to that, job after city after guy.”
“You’re saying I’m a flake?”
“Are you saying you aren’t?”
He thought she was too flaky to be in love with him? Or that she was too flaky to love? Since both options sucked, she didn’t bother to ask. Instead, her chin high, Sage took a deep breath. This conversation was humiliating enough. She’d be damned if she’d top it off by crying.
“What brought this on?” she finally asked.
“You, this crazy declaration. Your father and his grand plans for our life.” He waved his hand in the general direction of her father’s house, where she supposed the Professor had detailed the same grand plans for Aiden as he had for her.
“That’s it? You’re declaring us impossible because my father has some silly idea of how we should live our lives?”
“No. I’m simply declaring us impossible.”
Oh. Sage swallowed hard to get past the knotted misery in her throat. Well, then.
“You know what? I’ve got this reputation for running through life, unable to commit to anything.” Fueled by fury-inspired insights, she jabbed an accusatory finger at him. “But you’re the one who’s actually running.”
“Sage...”
“No,” she interrupted before he could finish whatever he planned to say in that placating, condescending tone. “Here’s the difference between us, Aiden. I might be running, but I’m running toward things. I’m chasing my dreams. But you? You’re running from life.”
“Me? Running from life? That’s such a bunch of crap.” He leaned in so close his breath ruffled the hair all the way on the back of her head. “I’m a SEAL, Sage. I don’t run from anything.”
“You’re running from your past. You’re running from decisions. You’re running from dealing with my emotions and the possibilities the two of us offer each other.”
“You’re talking crazy,” he said, dismissively.
That was it. Sage’s emotions exploded like a potato in a microwave, splattering all over the place in ugly chunks.
“At least I’m willing to try. At least I’m not a coward,” she said, her jaw clenched so tight her throat hurt.
Not as much as his probably did, the way his mouth dropped open.
“You’re calling me a coward?”
“I am.” Letting the rare anger wash over her, wrapping herself in the comfort of it, she offered a glare. “Physically, you are the bravest man I know. You risk everything for your country.”
His icy stare thawed a smidge.
“But emotionally, you’re still seventeen. You won’t take any emotional risks, you won’t let anyone get close to you.”
“Bullshit.”
“Name one.”
“Your father,” he said, his words snapped tight.
“First off, your relationship with my father is as close to purely intellectual as it’s possible to get. The two of you are two volumes of the same encyclopedia.”
“Nice.”
“And secondly,” she continued, talking right over his sarcasm, “you’ve already emotionally disconnected. You saw this entire engagement as a way to pay him back. To pay your dues. As far as you’re concerned,
we might as well hold the funeral.”
“That’s crap,” he snapped, the ice gone now as hot fury took over his expression. “I’ll be damned if you’ll dismiss my relationship with the Professor so blithely.”
“Are you saying you didn’t go along with our charade of an engagement because you felt as if you owed him?”
“Of course I owe him. And I care about him and respect him.” Aiden gave her a look that said she was going to have to do a lot better than that. “Do you have a point?”
“Of course I do.” She had to take a deep breath, steeling herself against it, though. “Do you think my father will recover from this cancer? That he’ll live to see Christmas?”
His silence broke her heart.
“You go on back to hiding in the navy, Aiden,” she suggested, her voice thick with tears. “I’ll stay here and deal with real life.”
“What are you going to do?” he asked.
She had to give him credit for not rising to the bait. But that was Aiden. He only dealt in logic, never in emotions.
Wanting it all to be over so badly she could taste it, Sage got to her feet and slowly made her way to the door. Her body ached, as if it’d taken a beating right along with her heart.
Hand on the knob, she turned back to face Aiden. He had that stoic, emotionless look on his face. The one that made her want to either hug him tight or hit him in the head with a pillow.
“We had an agreement,” she said quietly. “The rules of our engagement, remember? And even though you think I’m a complete flake, I don’t back out of my agreements.”
With that, and one last look at him and that damned stoic expression of his, Sage walked out. She made it all the way to the bottom of the hill before she lost it.
Tears streaming down her cheeks, Sage wrapped her arms around herself and stared at her father’s house in the distance.
Instead of celebrating, she’d blown their entire relationship all to hell.
12
“ARE YOU FREAKING kidding me?” Aiden glared at the lousy cards in his hand, then threw them on the table so hard they scattered cash into the lap of the guy across from him.
