Tartan Candy

by KC Burn

  All he knew was that this might be the most important thing he ever did, and odds were good he’d fuck it up.

  Wiping at his eyes, he considered the wisdom of this. Would calling first be better? Letting Raven cool down a bit? Should he have stopped for flowers?

  No. No sense adding cowardly to the faults he’d already displayed today, exposing the worst of himself like turning over a rotting log, with all the decay and insect life teeming below. Besides, he wasn’t going to be able to relax until this was resolved, and him at the door would be harder to ignore than a phone call or a text.

  Before he could talk himself out of it, he banged his fist on the door. He waited less than a minute before he did it again. Then he waited. And waited.

  What if he’d been wrong? Where else would Raven have gone? He hadn’t passed either him or Jaime on the road away from the party. Or perhaps Raven wasn’t having any problem ignoring him at the door.

  Just as he contemplated heading back down to his truck, the door swung open.

  “What the fuck do you want?”

  Caleb’s mouth dropped open. “Jaime? What are you doing here?” For a single, horrible, second, he had some terrible thoughts about Jaime and Raven consoling themselves with each other, but somehow, despite his horrible behavior earlier, he didn’t think either of them would do that.

  “I made sure he got home safely. I think the question is, what are you doing here? Come to twist the knife a little more?” Jaime threw his arms around in a credible imitation of just about anyone in their family in a furious rage. He’d never seen Jaime punch anyone, but it was possible Caleb would be the first.

  Eyes burning, a sensation he was quickly becoming familiar with, he rubbed his damp palms together.

  “Jaime, I’m so sorry. I never meant to say anything like that. I don’t think you’re a slut, and you deserve whatever love in your life that you want. You’re my best friend. I would never want anything but the best for you.” Telling the truth wasn’t nearly as hard as he’d thought it would be. And he’d let Jaime take the heat for him for far too long while he played straight for the family. He owed Jaime more than he could say.

  Jaime’s nostrils flared, and for a few seconds, Caleb thought Jaime was going to slam the door in his face. The hard planes of his face relaxed, and he slung an arm around Caleb’s neck. “Thank you,” he whispered into Caleb’s neck. “Are you here to fix things? Because if you aren’t, just let him go.”

  Caleb reared back out of Jaime’s half embrace. “Fix things. Oh, God, fix them, if I can. I love him, Jaime.”

  “Then come in.” If Jaime was letting him in, he still had a chance. Raven hadn’t forbidden him entrance. Or called the cops to have him arrested for harassment.

  Walking into Raven’s condo had a very different feeling than it had less than a week ago, when they’d come back after their anniversary dinner. Gone was the comfortable familiarity, and in its place an awkward chilliness, as though he didn’t belong here anymore. Had to be all in his imagination, but it just drove home even further how deeply entwined Raven was in his life, that his condo had felt as comfortable as his own apartment. Maybe more so.

  He walked into the living room. Raven was curled up on one of the plush chairs, looking out of the window. Slowly, Raven turned his head. Aside from some angry red blotches, Raven’s skin had an unusual pallor. His eyes were swollen and even his hair looked lifeless. That blue gaze looked haunted rather than vivid. Unlike Jaime’s vehemence, Raven was so rigid and still a stiff breeze could have snapped him in half.

  Caleb had done this. The visible indicators of the hurt he’d inflicted were even more painful than Caleb had believed possible.

  He dropped to his knees by Raven’s chair.

  “I am so sorry.”

  RAVEN STARED at the man on his knees. He’d figured there was about a fifty-fifty chance of Caleb walking away and never talking to him again, but even with a partial expectation that Caleb would show up to continue the argument or break up in person, he’d arrived at the condo far sooner than Raven would have ever believed. Before he was ready. Before he’d figured out how to deal with Caleb hating him. An immediate apology hadn’t even figured in his mental dialogues.

  He let his gaze rove over Caleb’s face, ruffled hair, and rumpled clothes—the same clothes he’d attended the party in. Caleb’s skin didn’t show emotion as readily as Raven’s did, but his eyes were reddened and wet, and his face ashen, evidence Caleb maybe even meant the apology.

  It was enough to hear him out, at least. Enough to start a discussion. Thing was, that single sentence wasn’t enough. Not after what Caleb had said. After those looks of disgust.

  “I… I said some awful things to you. And I didn’t mean them. I swear. I don’t know how to explain it. Seeing that video—I just lost my fucking mind.” Caleb sniffed and rubbed the back of his hand across his eyes.

  Raven wasn’t sure, but he thought he’d already cried all the moisture out of his body in Jaime’s car. That didn’t stop the burn in his sinuses from intensifying.

  “Yes, what you said was awful. I’m not ashamed of what I did, you know.” Raven ground his teeth together. He’d only spoken the truth, but he hadn’t intended to be so antagonistic. Forcing them to continue their argument was only going to hurt more, and he was too fucking drained to go there. “Why would you do that?”

  Caleb lifted his hand, aiming for his knee, and Raven couldn’t stop himself from flinching. Sucking in a quick breath, Caleb instead dropped his hand on the edge of the chair cushion, flicking his fingernail along the piping.

  “I freaked out. I’ve never taken anyone I cared about to a family event. I didn’t expect the pretending would be as difficult as it was. Hearing people speculate that Jaime and you were involved, and maybe in love, because Jaime’s never brought anyone home either, just about killed me. I hated it. When I said I loved you, I meant it, and after our little… uh… janitorial break, I was back on top of the world. I’d started wondering if there was a way I could come out and not disappoint my parents.”

  Raven recalled that Caleb’s refusal to come out had to do with his mom wanting grandchildren, but he wasn’t about to mention the options gay men had to have children. Caleb wasn’t stupid, and they’d only been dating a month. He didn’t want to give Caleb any false hope—Raven hadn’t even thought about the possibility of kids one day, and if they couldn’t work things out, he sure wasn’t ready to discuss it now.

  “The issue of kids aside, you had to know they wouldn’t hate you for being gay. Not when they accept Jaime.”

  “I know.”

  Raven’s cheeks heated up. He’d noticed a number of party guests when he’d made his less than dignified exit. More than likely, Caleb’s entire family knew he’d been a porn star. He wasn’t ashamed, but yeah, volunteering that information to anyone and everyone wasn’t how he’d normally deal with it.

  “Oh no. They hate me, don’t they? Because of the porn?”

  Caleb’s laugh was soft and rueful. “Not at all. They gave me a lot to think about.”

  His stomach sank as he realized it was only Caleb who cared about the porn. “Then it’s you that hates me. You can’t get past the porn.”

  For a second, he considered contacting Stefan to see if they could work something out to remove the online movies. Sure, there were still DVDs out there, but deleting the online content would be… only a drop in the bucket, probably. Besides, the stubborn part of him that had refused to give up each time he faced another obstacle in life didn’t want to offer that compromise. He wanted Caleb to accept his past for what it was and still love him. Because his time since the accident had convinced him that he deserved that, and if Caleb couldn’t give it to him, one day he’d find a man who would.

  Be a long time before he’d be able to trust anyone else, though.

  “No. Oh, no.” Caleb lifted his gaze, and tears still brimmed in his eyes. This time, when Caleb lifted a hand to stroke his cheek
, Raven didn’t flinch. The heat of Caleb’s fingers seared a line down his face, and Raven hoped with everything inside him that this wouldn’t be the last time he felt Caleb’s touch.

  “Then why?”

  Caleb had said a lot, but nothing that convinced Raven they could salvage their relationship, no matter how much Raven wanted to forgive him and move on as boyfriends. But he couldn’t let this go, only to have it come back and bite him in the ass later on. Charlie, one of the guys he’d filmed with in his early days, regularly showed up on set with bruises and cuts because his boyfriend resented his work and expressed that resentment with his fists. Eventually Charlie ended up quitting, but the relationship—which probably remained abusive—had poisoned Charlie’s sunny and upbeat personality.

  “Raven, oh my God, I’d be the biggest hypocrite if I watched porn but judged the people who performed in it.”

  Raven’s eyebrows went up. “Wasn’t that what you were doing?” Hypocritical judgment was laughably common. Jeremy was proof of that.

  “No. I swear.” Caleb dropped his hand to fall on Raven’s knee, but there was no indication he meant it to be anything but comforting and unthreatening. “I just… I was just angry and lashing out. How could you be happy with me… with just me… when you’d had all that?”

  “You do realize that what I did on film wasn’t like anything like what we do together, right?”

  Caleb’s face reddened in a way Raven had never seen, and he rolled his eyes. “Uh, yeah, that was kind of obvious. I don’t want you to… settle.” The last word came out broken and wrong, and Caleb sucked in a breath that sounded suspiciously like a sob.

  Raven wasn’t quite sure what to think.

  “Oh, for fuck’s sake.”

  Raven startled at the outburst. He’d forgotten Jaime was still here, and judging by the look on Caleb’s face, he had as well.

  Jaime leaned over the back of the couch to stare at them. “Raven, do you think my cousin’s cock will be enough for you, or are you going to need double teaming on a regular basis to satisfy your ravenous sexual appetite?”

  Blinking, he took in Caleb’s worsening flush. “Is that what the problem is? That you don’t think you’ll be enough for me?”

  “Uh, maybe I wouldn’t have put it so bluntly.”

  Jaime scoffed. “No shit, Caleb. We’d be here all night, waiting for you to cough up an explanation.”

  “Yes, thanks, Jaime. You can go now.” Caleb sounded sheepish and annoyed at the same time.

  Looking right at Raven, Jaime said, “You’ll be okay now?” It wasn’t a question and it wasn’t a statement, but a blend of the two. Like Caleb, Jaime was a good man, although they might have to have a discussion about boundaries and eavesdropping. Later, once Raven was done being thankful for his timely intervention.

  For now, though, Raven simply nodded. He and Caleb could take it from here.

  This time, Raven reached out and rubbed a hand over Caleb’s soft hair. “You do realize making porn is more work than it is fun, sexy times, right?”

  Caleb shrugged. “I guess. I mean, I never looked into it.”

  “Uh-huh. No one ever looks behind the curtain. It’s a lot of standing around, twisting into a bunch of positions that are awkward but camera friendly, obeying the director, coming on command if you can, faking it if you can’t. And there’s a director, a cameraman, a lighting guy, and a fluffer, at the very least, hanging about while you’re trying to hold an erection for longer than should be humanly possible. For the most part, the sex I got on set was more than enough for me. I rarely sought out sex when I wasn’t working. If you want, I can get you a tour of the studio. Stefan, the owner, is a friend. And Will… you remember him? He runs the website for the studio.”

  Raven bit his lip against a smile because clearly Caleb did want to go for the tour, but he wasn’t sure if he should look eager or relieved. For the first time since Caleb had gotten that awful text from Jeremy, Raven allowed himself to hope that his relationship hadn’t been totaled.

  “Uh, yeah, that might help. You… are you going to want to go back there? To work, I mean.”

  More hope blossomed in his chest. From the looks of it, Caleb wasn’t intending to throw down any ultimatums or try to forbid him from going back to porn, but was willing to discuss things rationally—now that the shock had worn off—and try to reach a compromise. Caleb was definitely not one of those guys who got off on watching his guy having sex with someone else. Caleb wanted a loving, monogamous relationship, and Raven was in a place to give that to him.

  “Even without the accident, my time was limited on film—I’m getting too old.” Caleb sputtered indignantly, and Raven finally allowed a small smile to break free. “Sad but true. But that’s why I’m going to school. Porn was a means to an end, really, although I did enjoy having so many people admire me.” Vain, perhaps, but he’d owned up to that truth a long time ago.

  Caleb grabbed his hand and gave him a tiny kiss on his palm, but it was enough to send shivers racing down his spine. They entwined their fingers together.

  “The accident only sped up my retirement.”

  “But… you know I think you’re gorgeous. Not that I’m trying to convince you to go back, but I can’t be the only one who’d think so.”

  Raven shrugged. “At the risk of giving you too much information, my main claim to fame was my flexibility. My body no longer works the way it used to. Never mind those angry scars so close to where a camera would focus. Definitely no longer droolworthy.” Funny how a couple months ago he couldn’t even think about his scars, and here he was talking about them calmly.

  “You’ll always be droolworthy to me. And you’re sure I’m… enough?”

  Most times, Caleb was so self-assured. It was almost sweet to see him so vulnerable.

  “Oh, Caleb. I love you. I love what we’ve done together, and I can’t see it ever not being enough for me. Sex with someone you love is different. So much better. I always thought people were idiots who said that, but you’ve proved me wrong.”

  “And what about having all those people admire you?”

  Raven laughed, hope erasing all those dark spaces that held his doubt. “As Tartan Candy’s lead man, I’m not hurting for attention.”

  A tiny frown creased Caleb’s forehead.

  “Seriously, Caleb, it may be a little pathetic that I want it, but I get the same sort of validation from my new business as I got being a porn star. And honestly? I like it better. Being able to apply my degree, and make people happy, and not have to worry if people will judge me for what I’m doing? Yeah, it’s been awesome.”

  Caleb’s eyes darkened before he lunged up, fitting his mouth to Raven’s without hesitation. Someone had liked his answer, and the best part? Not even one tiny lie, white or otherwise.

  Raven opened his mouth under Caleb’s onslaught and kissed back just as ferociously. Kissing, especially like this, hungry and desperate, was just not something he’d done on film, and he loved it.

  Being able to strip Caleb out of his tux jacket and dress shirt was like opening all the Christmas gifts he’d never received.

  Caleb helped him to his feet, and Raven practically wrapped himself around Caleb. In return, Caleb twisted his sporran to the side, grabbed Raven’s ass, and started rubbing. Raven pulled his head away from Caleb’s, sucking in a deep breath.

  “Oh my God, Caleb, fuck me.”

  Caleb’s hips never stopped, but he panted a reply in his ear. “The bedroom is so far.”

  Raven dug his fingers in his sporran and pulled out a condom and mini lube. “Boy Scout.”

  “Bullshit.”

  Raven laughed. Caleb knew him so well. He snatched the supplies out of Raven’s hand and dragged Raven to the couch.

  “Okay for your hip?”

  How he loved this man. He didn’t bother answering, just bent over the back and flipped up his kilt, baring his ass for his man. Caleb whimpered and Raven couldn’t stop a grin.


  Didn’t mean he wanted Caleb to wait. “C’mon.” He still had enough flexibility to raise his ass, begging without words.

  “Jesus fucking Christ.” Jaime sounded shocked, and Raven froze. He’d thought Jaime had left.

  Caleb flipped his kilt back down. “Jaime, what the fuck?”

  “I’m going, I’m going. I figured I’d have enough time to finish my coffee before you guys starting fucking like rabid bunnies.”

  “Jaime. Get out.” Caleb did not sound amused. If this weren’t Raven’s first ever makeup sex, he’d find this funny, and fortunately not embarrassing.

  “Have fun, kids.” The second the door slammed behind Jaime, Caleb slid his hands under Raven’s kilt.

  “I can’t believe… this is so fucking sexy, Raven. I had no idea how much I’d love the kilts.”

  Barely skipping a beat, they were right back where they were, horny and frantic. Caleb slid his hands reverently over Raven’s ass, kneading his glutes with strong fingers.

  Caleb spread his cheeks and swept his tongue up Raven’s crack. “I can’t wait. Oh, God, I can’t wait.”

  “Don’t. Fuck me.”

  Caleb unzipped and ripped open the condom. A few seconds of hurried, slippery prep, and then Caleb’s cock was in him.

  They both groaned, and the sensation of Caleb’s pants rubbing against his ass was decadent and delightfully naughty in a way Raven hadn’t ever experienced.

  Caleb’s thrusts were rougher than the last time, but still controlled enough that Raven could enjoy without pain.

  All too soon, Raven couldn’t think—he could only feel. The lewd slap of skin on skin, the musky scent of Caleb’s sweat, the rhythmic pounding of his prostate, and Raven was there.