e Squared
Page 12
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 12 January 2009, 14.39
Subject: Re: It just got worse
You sent me an e last week, which I filed in my special folder marked “death threats and general hate mail.” It said, and I quote:« You are the steaming turd of advice-giving and my advice to you is to keep your fat fucking beak out of my business. »
Now you want my advice? Piss off.
From: Harvey Harvey
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 12 January 2009, 14.41
Subject: Re: Ground rules
Great! I love e-mail. I spend my whole day on it. I had an amazing thought this morning. You could tell a whole story just by using e-mails. Imagine an entire novel where you’re peeking into people’s private inboxes. It could be a murder mystery. Or a wacky comedy! Wouldn’t that be brilliant?
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Harvey Harvey
Sent: 12 January 2009, 14.44
Subject: Re: Ground rules
It’s been done: Who Moved My BlackBerry? It was shit. And please don’t say wacky. It’s kinda creepy.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Brett Topolski
Sent: 12 January 2009, 15.01
Subject: Re: It just got worse
I was upset. I didn’t know what I was saying. Besides, I was talking about girlfriend advice, which you’re rubbish at. I’m asking for advertising advice. You’re genius at that.
Got to see a nice policewoman now about a missing photocopier. (Ridiculous. How am I going to get one of those out? Anyone would think I hired a van with a loading lift and came in on a Sunday evening when there’s no one around except for a Filipino cleaner who’s rendered blind for a fiver.)
I expect a list of your ten top ideas upon my return.
From: Brett Topolski
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 12 January 2009, 15.22
Subject: Re: It just got worse
You nicked a whole copier? Excellent to see you moving up from the usual swag of paperclips and Post-its. How did it go with the cops? Your exploit has earned you a reprieve. I’ll give these Mini Montanas some thought. Not too much though. Crashing a party at the clapped-out twat of stand-up Jim Davidson’s tonight.
Allah rocks
Brett
From: David Crutton
To: Janice Crutton
Sent: 12 January 2009, 15.26
Subject: Tonight
The kids are busy, so how about just you and me go out for dinner?
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Brett Topolski
Sent: 12 January 2009, 15.30
Subject: Re: It just got worse
Went fine with the cops. They’re clutching at straws. Twin of Godley is their prime suspect (presumably on the basis that his desk is nearest to the missing copier). Now got to sift through a fat wad of ideas Double H left on my desk. He writes things up on Doctor Who notepaper. Will be using my longest barge pole.
From: Janice Crutton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 12 January 2009, 15.35
Subject: Re: Tonight
You think leaving the kids unattended after the party fiasco at Christmas is a good idea?
From: David Crutton
To: Janice Crutton
Sent: 12 January 2009, 15.38
Subject: Re: Tonight
Takeaway then?
From: Harvey Harvey
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 12 January 2009, 15.39
Subject:
Hi Liam. Did you find the ideas I left on your desk while you were at your meeting? Let me know what you think. I really like Montana Ambivalent (the small cigarette for the undecided smoker) and Montana Fun Size (the cigarette for when you want a puff but couldn’t smoke a whole one). By the way, your dog was thirsty so I made him a nice mug of tea. I found some sugar in your desk drawer. I gave him the whole sachet. He loves it sweet, doesn’t he?
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Harvey Harvey
Sent: 12 January 2009, 15.41
Subject: Re:
That wasn’t sugar, you doofus. No wonder he’s so fucking lively.
From: Janice Crutton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 12 January 2009, 15.42
Subject: Re: Tonight
Chinese or Indian? Your choice. And we can talk about names and nursery color schemes.
From: David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 12 January 2009, 15.44
Subject:
Nip to Waterstone’s and get me some books on interior decor for kids’ rooms. And one on baby names.
From: Neil Godley
To: David Crutton
Cc: Caroline Zitter, Ted Berry, Sally Wilton
Sent: 12 January 2009, 15.59
Subject: The police
I will be writing to the Police Complaints Authority, but I wish to place on record my disgust at my treatment at the hands of Detective Constable Hindley. Even though I was the one that reported the missing photocopier, she treated me as a suspect. She subjected me to brutal questioning, denied me my fundamental human right (under EU law) to a toilet break and, despite the fact that she didn’t have a search warrant, she insisted on going through my filing cabinets (which contain both confidential company files and certain personal items).
I have never had so much as a parking ticket and I am a member of three Neighborhood Watch groups. I have also been commended by Crime Stoppers for making over 500 reports (with accompanying photographic documentation) of litter louts. To be treated as a common criminal in this way has severely knocked my faith in our police force.
I am too upset to complete my work and I am leaving for a session with a post-traumatic stress counselor. I will reclaim the cost of this from the company.
Neil Godley (Accounts)
From: Janice Crutton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 12 January 2009, 16.17
Subject: Re: Tonight
I was joking about baby names and nursery decor, by the way. Just that you’ve been ominously silent.
From: David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 12 January 2009, 16.20
Subject:
Nip out to Waterstone’s and get a refund on those books.
From: David Crutton
To: Sally Wilton
Sent: 12 January 2009, 16.22
Subject: Neil Godley
Something about this self-righteous arse bugs me. He gives me an unsettling sense of déjà vu. Can we do something about him? At the very least remove his e-mail privileges.
From: Bill Geddes
To: Liam O‘Keefe
Sent: 12 January 2009, 16.27
Subject:
You catching some Zs? I’ve just spotted your dog sprinting down the corridor. He looks very pumped. Has he been down the gym?
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: All Staff
Sent: 12 January 2009, 16.29
Subject:
Can whoever owns the disgusting off-white dog please come and sort it out immediately. It’s just done something vile on my leg and my Wolfords are completely shredded.
From: Kazu Makino
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 12 January 2009, 16.31
Subject: Re:
Thanks, Susi. That would explain the no. 2 in the lift. I thought someone from our RNIB client must have mistaken it for the loo!
From: Róisín O’Hooligan
To: All Staff
Sent: 12 January 2009, 16.37
Subject:
Just in case anyone cares, the dog has our Trebor client cornered by the giant yucca. I think it can smell his Liquorice Allsorts samples because it’s going mental. Oh, Mr. Fraggles has just turned up and he’s trying to lure it away with a string of comedy sausages. Thoroughly entertaining as this is, I think someone should deal with it before it gets out of hand.
Róisín
/>
Reception
From: Sally Wilton
To: All Staff
Sent: 12 January 2009, 16.34
Subject: This is not a practice!
Do not ignore the fire alarm and, if you come across the dog, do not attempt to tackle it. Please vacate the building in a calm and orderly fashion. A SWAT team is on its way.
From: Harvey Harvey
To: All Staff
Sent: 12 January 2009, 16.35
Subject:
I can hear a bell and it won’t stop. Can anyone else hear it or have my voices come back?
From: Sally Wilton
To: Harvey Harvey
Sent: 12 January 2009, 16.36
Subject: Re:
IT’S THE FIRE ALARM, HARVEY. LEAVE THE BUILDING IMMEDIATELY !
Tuesday
Mood: 97% gay
bbc.co.uk/news
Dog Day Afternoon in Adland
Meerkat360, the London advertising agency that brought us the notorious horny guide-dog viral for RNIB, went to the dogs in an entirely different way yesterday afternoon.
Work at the agency’s Soho office halted when a pit bull terrier set off on a terrifying orgy of violence and destruction, injuring three people and causing thousands of pounds’ worth of damage.
By the time police marksmen arrived, computers had been destroyed, desks overturned and valuable artwork shredded, and the dog was dead. Zlatan Kovaćević, the company’s Serbian art director whose father is a veteran of the siege of Sarajevo, apparently killed it with a single blow to the throat. “It was easy as pissing,” Kovaćević said. “My father teach me. In former Yugoslavia Bosnian Muslim teach their dogs to attack Christian. In the army he learn to liquidate them with bare hand.”
Several employees are believed to have filmed the incident on camera phones and the police have appealed for mobiles to be handed over so that they can piece together what happened.
There was speculation that the dog had been under the influence of drugs and that this had contributed to the frenzied nature of its attack. The police declined to comment, although they did confirm that the animal would undergo an autopsy and blood tests would be carried out.
The dog rage marked the climax of an eventful day at Meerkat360. Earlier, emergency services were called to rescue an employee stranded on a fifth-floor window ledge.
David Crutton, Meerkat360’s CEO (his business card assigns him the title of The Man), sought to put a positive spin on both incidents. He said, “These kinds of things are exactly why a day at Meerkat360 can never be described as just another day at the office. Here we thrive on the unpredictable. Creativity feeds on adrenalin and the incident with the dog will only serve to raise the level of our output and give us a competitive edge. Believe me, I wouldn’t be surprised if our rivals aren’t now thinking of introducing big cats and grizzly bears into the creative mix. By the way, do not refer to me as The f****** Man. I am the CEO.”
youtube.com
Today’s most viewed videos
1. Dog goes mad in office Like Columbine except with a dog instead of goths!! Views: 378,423
2. Dog bites clown See Pierrot get it in the arse. Hilarious! Views: 322,612
3. Jumper saved by firemen Awesome clip. Michael Jackson meets Larry Grayson. The suicide guy actually does a mincing moonwalk along the ledge. And check out the tie, people. It spells out “homosexual” in paisley. Views: 225,089
4. Clown bites dog Pierrot’s revenge. Views: 184,284
5. Serbian execution techniques Zlatan demonstrates how to take out a family pet with a single blow to the throat. No dogs were seriously harmed in the making of this video. Views: 101,738
blogass.co.uk
Posted by The Gaydar Guy
13/01/09, 09.32 GMT
Moonwalking Pigeon Rescuer
The latest subject of the Gaydar treatment is the window-ledge dancer on YouTube. Gay or straight? I’d say card-carrying fudge nudger, but you the public must decide. Watch the YouTube clip here, check out his MySpace profile here, then vote in my poll here. Results later, Gay Gazers.
Poll archive:
Prince Edward
The Teletubbies (but not Dipsy)
Cliff Richard (boring, I know, but it has to be done)
The Pillsbury Dough Boy
Tom Cruise
The Entire Church of Scientology Shaggy & Scooby (these two are just too tight, if you know what I mean)
Velma (can’t get a boyfriend? More like won’t)
Beenie Man & Buiu Banton (methinks they doth protest too much)
Eminem (see above)
David Beckham (a boy can dream, can’t he?)
Merrill Lynch (I know it’s an American investment bank, but it’s such a gay name)
myspace.com
Milt Shake
Male
28 years old
London
Mood: fruity
Milt Shake’s friend space
Milt Shake has 18,934 friends
blogass.co.uk
Posted by The Gaydar Guy
Moonwalking Pigeon Rescuer Poll Results
Wednesday
Mood: charitable (up to a point)
From: Sally Wilton
To: All Staff
Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.01
Subject: Missing tools
The contractor carrying out repairs after Monday’s incident has brought to my attention the loss of a number of power tools. In particular, he is missing a Kango 2500 Series electric breaker. Please check your offices. This is a big item and should not have gone far.
From: Alex Sofroniou
To: All Staff
Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.03
Subject: IT systems
We are still working on getting IT systems up and running after
Monday’s disruption. Will all those who have functioning PCs and Macs continue to share resources with those who haven’t? I anticipate the work being completed by the end of today or early tomorrow. Thank you for your patience.
PS: Normal service will be resumed more quickly if you refrain from overloading the server with uploads to YouTube!
From: Kazu Makino
To: All Staff
Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.06
Subject: Sorry, Miss, a dog ate my artwork!
Mad Dog managed to destroy most of our Esmée Éloge De-Wrinkelle presentation. Can whoever nicked the samples of the new packaging from my desk please return them ASAP as we need to reshoot. I’m guessing the culprit is 35+, which narrows it down somewhat—got to admit it’s all a bit Logan’s Run round here!
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Creative Department
Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.15
Subject: Mr. Fraggles
He has asked me to tell you he will be out this morning for precautionary rabies jabs after the bite to his derriere. The 10.30 Custard Pie Workshop is canceled.
From: Milton Keane
To: All Staff
Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.16
Subject: Interns?
Any interns free to get doggy-doo out of Caroline’s Louis XIV chaise longue? A free mega-spritz of l‘Eau d’Issey Pour Homme for the successful applicant!
Milton Keane
As seen on YouTube!
From: Donald Gold
To: All Staff
Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.17
Subject: Thanks
Just to let you know that I visited Enola in hospital yesterday evening. She asked me to pass on her thanks for all the cards and flowers. With all the bandages, it was hard to tell how badly disfigured her face is, but she’s looking on the bright side. She told me the doctors have promised that the reconstructive surgery will take at least ten years off her!
From: Ted Berry
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.18
Subject: One good reason...
... why I shouldn’t fire you right now?
From: Liam O�
�Keefe