e Squared
Page 14
Veiko want to thank you for the bombardings of fan e-mail. As you are already guess, his music and axe style are much of the influences of classical British metal like Purple, Sab, Priest, Maiden and Saxon and he is please to have brilliant support from British fan bases.
In responding to your inquiry of touring plans, Veiko has no plan bring Dethrush to UK because he is very busy conquer Finland markets, but if you come to here he happy to greet you at gig. Please go dethrush.fi/dates for schedules.
From: David Crutton
To: Janice Crutton
Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.02
Subject: Re: Tamara
I suggest hitting her where it hurts. Fees of £6,000 per term works out to about £102 per school day. I say we charge her the full rate for every day she misses. Want me to call her and tell her she owes us £306 for the week to date?
From: Janice Crutton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.04
Subject: Re: Tamara
Don’t be ridiculous. From whom does she get all her money in the first place? I’ll deal with it.
I’m having my six-week scan tomorrow morning. Are you going to accompany me?
By the way, you surely won’t know the answer to this, but I have to ask. I was sorting out laundry this morning and Noah seems to be missing all his underpants. Any ideas?
From: David Crutton
To: Janice Crutton
Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.05
Subject: Re: Tamara
Wouldn’t miss the scan for the world. Let me know how it goes with Tam. Sorry, haven’t a clue on Noah’s pants.
From: Milton Keane
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier, Dotty Podidra
Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.06
Subject: superstar!!!!
Just bumped into Liam and he said his ex works at Big Brother and she told him the producer wants me on the show!! Can you believe that? I’m gonna be in the Holy Trinity—heat, Hello!, OK! Promise you won’t do any sleazy kiss ‘n’ tells. You two know all my dark secrets!!
From: Janice Crutton
To: Paula Sterling
Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.09
Subject: tech inquiry
Can you talk to Andrew Clough and find out what he knows about electronic tags? I know his hedge-fund scammer was fitted with one when he was bailed pending appeal last year. I need suppliers and prices.
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Milton Keane, Dotty Podidra
Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.10
Subject: Re: superstar!!!!
This is LIAM we’re talking about! He is the BIGGEST wind-up merchant in history. At Miller Shanks he sent an all-staffer announcing a royal visit from Wills to “inspect the new air conditioning.”
From: Dotty Podidra
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier, Milton Keane
Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.11
Subject: Re: superstar!!!!
Hilarious! Did you fall for it?
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Dotty Podidra, Milton Keane
Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.12
Subject: Re: superstar!!!!
Do I look completely stupid? Of course not.
From: Milton Keane
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier, Dotty Podidra
Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.14
Subject: Re: superstar!!!!
Not what I heard, Sooz! A dicky bird told me you turned up to work in a tiara and deb’s gown! Anyway, Liam’s being straight. His ex really does work at BB and I checked out the producer’s details on the Endemol site. Who’s coming for ramen to discuss nomination tactics and eviction outfits?!
From: Dotty Podidra
To: Milton Keane, Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.15
Subject: Re: superstar!!!!
Wait up! Starving! Could eat a horse (in a spicy ramen noodle soup, obviously!)
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Milton Keane, Dotty Podidra
Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.17
Subject: Re: superstar!!!!
Ted has given me stacks to do and I have to organize tonight’s music recital. I won’t be joining you for lunch to talk about a stupid Big Brother appearance that is NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN! Liam’s ex is probably in on it, you ninny! She used to work at Miller Shanks too and she’s a cow. To be absolutely honest, Milton, you made yourself look silly enough on Monday and if you fall for this, you’ll only make more of a prat of yourself.
From: Milton Keane
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier, Dotty Podidra
Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.19
Subject: Re: superstar!!!!
Hark at you! Now who’s being the cow!! I will not be “reaching out” to you from the diary room, Susan.
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Milton Keane, Dotty Podidra
Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.20
Subject: Re: superstar!!!!
And I will not be giving you any more legal or fashion advice if you’re only going to use it to make a prawn out of yourself.
From: Milton Keane
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier, Dotty Podidra
Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.21
Subject: Re: superstar!!!!
Like the tip on the paisley tie? I’m SO going to miss having advice as BRILLIANT as that.
From: Milton Keane
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier, Dotty Podidra
Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.22
Subject: Re: superstar!!!!
Not.
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Milton Keane, Dotty Podidra
Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.24
Subject: Re: superstar!!!!
Has anyone ever told you you’re a TOTAL BITCH?
From: Milton Keane
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier, Dotty Podidra
Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.25
Subject: Re: superstar!!!!
Has anyone ever told you you’re a brainless CLOTHES HORSE?
From: Dotty Podidra
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier, Milton Keane
Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.26
Subject: Re: superstar!!!!
Stop it, stop it, both of you, STOP IT!!
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Milton Keane, Dotty Podidra
Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.27
Subject: Re: superstar!!!!
Milton POO BUM
From: Milton Keane
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier, Dotty Podidra
Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.28
Subject: Re: superstar!!!!
Susi Judge-Davis-GAP
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Milton Keane, Dotty Podidra
Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.29
Subject: Re: superstar!!!!
Milton HOMO
From: Ted Berry
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.32
Subject: WTF?
What’s with the fucking screaming? I’m trying to review work in here.
From: Róisín O’Hooligan
To: All Staff
Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.33
Subject: girl-on-girl action
Will whoever’s having the squealing bitch fight somewhere in the building DESIST, like, IMMEDIATELY. It not only sounds pathetic, but it’s also unsettling Neil Godley’s mum, who is here to take him shopping for a new winter coat.
By the way, Neil, your mum’s here.
Róisín
Reception
From: Paula Sterling
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.36
Subject: Mad as a stick
Should I be very (or even extremely) worried? JC has got me sourcing electronic tags—you know, the things they stick on asbos in hoodies. I think she wants to put one on her daughter. Is DC doing insane stuff
as well?
From: Dotty Podidra
To: Paula Sterling
Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.38
Subject: Re: Mad as a stick
No more than usual! No time to discuss. Taking friend to ER. Broken nose. Got a white Chloé bag full in the face!
From: Paula Sterling
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.39
Subject: Re: Mad as a stick
OMG, sounds awful.
From: Dotty Podidra
To: Paula Sterling
Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.40
Subject: Re: Mad as a stick
Absolutely horrendous. Bag’s ruined.
From: Harvey Harvey
To: Comfort Ajegbo
Sent: 14 January 2009, 14.36
Subject: Re: Help I need kind sir
There’s been a violent incident in my office and I’ve had my chair wedged against my door for the past hour. All I can think of are the terrible things that might be happening to you. I’m very, very worried, Comfort. I Googied “African Machete Death” and found some sickening pictures. If you don’t get in touch with me in the next five minutes, I’m going to call the police.
From: Lorraine Pallister
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 14 January 2009, 14.37
Subject: Re: Big Bruv
You talked to your gay guy yet? Boss is getting desperate. I think they’re looking for their first Big Brother suicide, but this year’s auditionees are pretty staid. A bit like they’re applying for the grad intake at Prudential.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 14 January 2009, 14.38
Subject: Re: Big Bruv
Finder’s fee?
From: Lorraine Pallister
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 14 January 2009, 14.39
Subject: Re: Big Bruv
Piss off. All you’re getting from me is a bit of goodwill. Let’s face it, cash would only go up your nose. Or worse, up your bookie’s.
From: Comfort Ajegbo
To: Harvey Harvey
Sent: 14 January 2009, 14.41
Subject: Re: Help I need kind sir
Hello, Harvey Harvey. I am so overjoyed that you reply to me. I ask Jesus for Him to send me a Samaritan of kindness and compassion and He has answered my prayers. I beg you please do not talk to the police. If they speak with the constabulary here in Lagos I am surely doomed. All police in Lagos are corrupted vermin and in league with evil business associates. For the time now I am in safe house of a most trusted friend. You must send to me the detail of a suitable bank account in your name so that I can arrange for the transfer of the moneys as soon as possible. I also need the number and other detail of your credit card for the purposes of security and also your passport number and your social security number. I know this is very much to ask of you, but the bank here assures me that they need every possible piece of information to carry out the correct security procedures before the transfer of such a very big sum of moneys can be permitted.
Thank you a thousand times for agreeing to help me, Harvey Harvey. I am on tender hooks for your reply.
Your grateful friend,Comfort Ajegbo
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 14 January 2009, 14.58
Subject: Re: Big Bruv
I talked to Gay Guy and he’s been in a state of hyper-excitement ever since. He’s called Milton Keane and I can already hear the Geordie VO: “Veronica and Graham are in the garden, Mikey, Fiona and Rebecca are in the living area and Milton is in the bedroom getting his arse defiled by big, butch Kirk.” The free BB ringtone of that will be a treat.
The bad news is that he’s just had his nose broken. It was your old mate Susi, armed with this season’s bag and enraged, I suspect, by his dumb good fortune. You know what she’s like in the face of a friend’s success.
Tell your boss that his recovery should be speedy and that any consequent misshapenness to the nasal zone will surely add character.
Forget the finder’s fee. Only trying it on. But how about we go for a drink anyway?
Liam
From: Janice Crutton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 14 January 2009, 15.00
Subject: Tonight
I intend to read the riot act (in full) to our daughter tonight and I would very much like you to be there for moral support (and also, if I’m honest, because your presence can be more than a little intimidating). Think you can manage to get away at a reasonable time? Also, can you pick up an item on the way from a shop on Edgware Road?
From: David Crutton
To: Janice Crutton
Sent: 14 January 2009, 15.04
Subject: Re: Tonight
Should be fine. Do you want me to yell at her or merely look menacing? And what’s the item/shop?
From: Janice Crutton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 14 January 2009, 15.07
Subject: Re: Tonight
Just look menacing to begin with. Start yelling if I give you my look—you know the one I’m talking about. The shop is Spectre Security & Surveillance, 162 Edgware Road. Ask for Mr. Abbas. He has a package marked for me.
From: David Crutton
To: Janice Crutton
Sent: 14 January 2009, 15.09
Subject: Re: Tonight
Very 007. I’m intrigued. Is there a secret password?
From: Zlatan Kovaćević
To: Milton Keane
Sent: 14 January 2009, 15.13
Subject: You fight like homosexual
I watch the thin fashion girl beat the crap out of you. It is insult to my manhood. I go further and say it is an insult to manhoods everywhere all the world over. When you come back from hospital I teach you to fight like a proper Serbian. If you do not concur to my proposal, I kill you. A pussy boy such as you are cannot be let to live. It is simple as that.
From: Ted Berry
To: David Crutton, Donald Gold
Sent: 14 January 2009, 15.17
Subject: Red Carpet
Reviewed the political celebs. Have a working shortlist of six for your consideration. Some debate as to whether Robert Mugabe was taking the concept too far, but he stays on the list in the interest of cultural diversity. And because I’m a provocative fucker.
Why not pop along to mine to discuss?
While we’re at it, I can take you through Liam’s Montana brain-wave.
From: David Crutton
To: Ted Berry
Sent: 14 January 2009, 15.21
Subject: Re: Red Carpet
Is it safe? Dotty told me there was bitch slapping earlier. Your PA losing it or something? Do we need to discipline her? You know I’m not averse to violence (in moderation), but this is a PC age we’re living in.
From: Ted Berry
To: David Crutton, Donald Gold
Sent: 14 January 2009, 15.22
Subject: Re: Red Carpet
Won’t be necessary. A case of literal handbags. See you in fifteen.
From: Lorraine Pallister
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 14 January 2009, 15.29
Subject: Re: Big Bruv
Oh dear, he’s not a scrapper, is he? The powers at C4 aren’t cool with violence since the spitting incident in BB9. Anyway, thanks for passing the word on. And yes, I suppose we could have one drink. For old time’s sake or whatever. How’s Friday for you?
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 14 January 2009, 15.36
Subject: Re: Big Bruv
You’ve seen him on YouTube. Does he look violent? He just made the mistake of pressing the wrong buttons on psycho Susi. Remember what she did to Nigel Godley when he forgot to process her expenses? The poor fucker was well and truly Naomi Campbelled. Still walks with a limp. Friday’s grand. Can’t wait.