Please help me.
Neil Godley (Accounts)
From: Caroline Zitter
To: Neil Godley
Sent: 23 January 2009, 09.32
Subject: Out of Office AutoReply
I am out of the office attending Aiiiieeee-Ya! Kick Box Your Way to the Forbes 100. I will return on Monday 26th January. If you have an urgent request please contact my assistant, Milton Keane, on [email protected]
From: Brett Topolski
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 23 January 2009, 09.37
Subject: Home?
So are you back from Holland or are you hiding from your creditors beneath the comely form of an Amsterdam tart? Let me know that I’m not blathering pointlessly into the ether because I do worry about you.
Allah’s the fella
From: Róisín O’Hooligan
To: Sally Wilton
Sent: 23 January 2009, 09.39
Subject: Security
I am deeply bothered by the X-ray machine your Serb goons have stuck in reception. It’s only six feet from my desk and it’s wheezing like my bronchial nan. Christ knows what radioactive bollocks it’s pumping out. Mark my words, if I get cancer, I will not wait for the courts to get me justice. I will seek you out and rip your head from your shoulders. And you can tell Crutton I’ll have him too. The blustery shitehawk doesn’t scare me.
From: Sally Wilton
To: Róisín O’Hooligan
Sent: 23 January 2009, 09.44
Subject: Re: Security
Rest assured that the X-ray machine is perfectly safe. If you choose not to wear the lead-lined protective jerkin and bonnet with which you have been provided for your comfort and safety, and which is compulsory under health and safety legislation, the company cannot be held responsible for any ensuing medical complications.
For the record, the security improvements that are now in place are exactly what I have been arguing for during my many years in office administration. I am glad I at last have a CEO that understands what is required for efficient day-to-day office operations.
I ask that in future you desist from making abusive threats or I will be obliged to place you on the draft register of suspect employees.
From: Róisín O’Hooligan
To: Sally Wilton
Sent: 23 January 2009, 09.46
Subject: Re: Security
Go fuck yourself, Sal. With a paperclip.
From: David Crutton
To: Sally Wilton
Sent: 23 January 2009, 09.49
Subject: Operation Thief Kill
IT has forwarded me an interesting e-mail sent by our prime suspect to CZ. The softly-softly approach is no longer appropriate. I think it’s time our Serbian friends had a chat with him.
From: Sally Wilton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 23 January 2009, 09.51
Subject: Re: Operation Thief Kill
Do you mean an actual chat or an “enhanced” chat?
From: David Crutton
To: Sally Wilton
Sent: 23 January 2009, 09.53
Subject: Re: Operation Thief Kill
“Enhanced.”
From: Sally Wilton
To: Neil Godley
Sent: 23 January 2009, 09.58
Subject: Routine background interview
Hi Neil
XL Enforcement would like to talk to you about the thefts of the photocopier and stationery. It’s nothing to be concerned about. They simply want some useful background, since you were first on the scene on both occasions. Slobodan will be along to collect you shortly.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Brett Topolski
Sent: 23 January 2009, 10.06
Subject: Re: Home?
I’m back. Had a top time in Holland with MMT. Large vodkas, small herrings and male bonding all round. Gave serious thought to staying on in a fugitive capacity, but in the end I had to come back to have one final stab at glory. It’s the GIT presentation on Tuesday, you see, and it’s kick, bollock, scramble to get the work done. Things are extra-pressurized because Tuesday is also the day certain debts get called in, but I’m sure something will turn up.
Won’t it?
Life is more than usually insane in the meerkat warren. Crutton has recruited a platoon of Balkan War leftovers to perform random beatings and strip searches, and he’s installed a new stationery cupboard that resembles the vault in the Bellagio. Oh, and we have a senior account director MIA. Probably in Guantanamo, and, no, I’m not fucking kidding. Now I feel bad for every fuckwit suit I’ve wished torture upon (and God knows there’ve been a few).
Did I say something will turn up? Well, it just did. It’s big, black and shiny and, if I’m not very much mistaken, some idiot Serb has left the keys in the ignition.
Ads to write, debts to pay. Later, camel jockey ...
From: Róisín O’Hooligan
To: All Staff
Sent: 23 January 2009, 10.24
Subject: Is it just me ...
... or can anyone else hear screams coming from the basement?
Róisín
Reception
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Milton Keane
Sent: 23 January 2009, 10.26
Subject: help!
The security thugs just made me put my skinny vanilla latte through their stupid X-ray machine. Is it safe to drink now?
From: Milton Keane
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 23 January 2009, 10.29
Subject: Re: help!
I’m sure I read somewhere that X-rays destroy any remaining calories in skimmed milk, so glug away! Actually, I’ve got a bone to pick with DC about those security idiots. I had to literally scream at them to strip-search me this morning. I mean, doesn’t my new nose make me look brutishly criminal (in an appealing Daniel Craig way)? BTW, does demanding to be strip-searched make me seem a bit gay?
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Milton Keane
Sent: 23 January 2009, 10.33
Subject: Re: help!
Don’t be silly. Big, burly convicts get strip-searched all the time and they’d kill you if you suggested they were gay.
From: David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 23 January 2009, 10.34
Subject:
Got an irritating slug of dirt under a fingernail. I need one of those little pointy grabby things to dig it out.
From: Dotty Podidra
To: David Crutton
Sent: 23 January 2009, 10.35
Subject: Re:
Do you mean a staple remover?
From: David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 23 January 2009, 10.36
Subject: Re:
Is that what they’re called? One of those, then.
From: Dotty Podidra
To: David Crutton
Sent: 23 January 2009, 10.37
Subject: Re:
I can fill in the form for you, but you’ll have to get it yourself. I’m not allowed in the stationery vault. Sorry.
From: Róisín O’Hooligan
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 23 January 2009, 10.44
Subject: Visitors for Osama Bin Crutton
Got a Superintendent Johnson from the Anti-terrorist Squad and a guy in shades who won’t give me his name (MI5, then). Want me to send them up to the Crutt Cave? Or shall I get our pet Serbs to pat them down and start a diplomatic incident?
From: Dotty Podidra
To: Róisín O’Hooligan
Sent: 23 January 2009, 10.46
Subject: Re: Visitors for Osama Bin Crutton
Send them up in 5. Cleaning up the plate of jam doughnuts he just threw at me.
From: Janice Crutton
To: Paula Sterling
Sent: 23 January 2009, 11.12
Subject: Tag monitor
It’s on the blink. Can y
ou take it back to Spectre Security and get it looked at? After that you can take the rest of the day off.
From: Paula Sterling
To: Janice Crutton
Sent: 23 January 2009, 11.13
Subject: Re: Tag monitor
Really?? Thanks!
From: Janice Crutton
To: Paula Sterling
Sent: 23 January 2009, 11.15
Subject: Re: Tag monitor
That’s OK. I want you to go to Chiswick Academy and keep an eye on Tamara. I’ve brought in her spare uniform, so you should have no trouble blending in.
From: Paula Sterling
To: Janice Crutton
Sent: 23 January 2009, 11.17
Subject: Re: Tag monitor
Are you sure this is a good idea, Janice? I’m twenty-nine. And Tam is about three sizes smaller than me.
From: Janice Crutton
To: Paula Sterling
Sent: 23 January 2009, 11.19
Subject: Re: Tag monitor
It’s an excellent idea. You don’t look a day over sixteen and all the little hussies wear their skirts and blouses tight. And don’t ever question my judgment again.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 23 January 2009, 11.24
Subject:
Be a sweetheart and get Ted to run along to the stationery vault to get me a brick-red marker.
From: Adrijana Smiljanić
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 23 January 2009, 11.25
Subject:
I need glue stick. Tell Ted he must get me some.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 23 January 2009, 11.27
Subject:
And a light-blue.
From: Bill Geddes
To: David Crutton
Cc: Ted Berry
Sent: 23 January 2009, 11.29
Subject: Mini Montana
I’d like to say that I’m hugely excited about the GIT project. I intend to throw myself into it and I’ve already thought of a way to add value to the product.
When I went through the creative, I was reminded of Dairylea cheese triangles. They’re sold to kids as fun food and to mums on their nutritional creds.
I think we should recommend to GIT that they look into the feasibility of impregnating Mini Montana with healthy additives such as minerals and vitamins. How about Mini Montana with added calcium for healthy bones, or a winter variant with added vitamin C? I’m not suggesting that they’ll become a staple in kids’ lunch-boxes, but you never know! And if it’s successful, they could look into extending the idea to their other brands. What about Ambassador Ultra Plus, an extra-mild smoke with a cocktail of added vitamins? It could be targeted at the vitamin supplement market—basically the elderly and pregnant.
Anyway, just a thought. Plenty more where that came from! Thanks for the great opportunity and I hope I don’t let you down.
Bill Geddes
Account Director
From: Maurice Wéber
To: David Crutton
Cc: Camille Brunel, Betina Tofting
Sent: 23 January 2009, 11.36
Subject: Concerns
Dear David
Camille has ask me to write to you to express our disturbances over recent events. Naturally we are concerned that Donald Gold failed to attend the scheduled meeting re Project Red Carpet in Rio de Janeiro, but we have many more worries and questions when we learn the reason why.
I hope with all my heart that you were not previously aware of Donald’s affiliation with organizations of international terror, and you were as shocked as were we at the terrible revelation. To think that he was using an innocent business meeting as a cover for terrorist activities is appalling to the utmost.
A company as reputable and famous as Esmée Éloge cannot afford to have connections with such types of people and we ask for your assurances that you have cut all ties with this evil and dangerous man. If this is not possible, you will understand that we place our marketing arrangements under immediate review.
Yours sincerely,
Maurice Weber
Director, New Brand Development (Europe)
Esmée Éloge
From: David Crutton
To: Maurice Weber
Cc: Camille Brunel, Betina Tofting
Sent: 23 January 2009, 11.57
Subject: Re: Concerns
Dear Maurice
Indeed, all of us at Meerkat360 are as horrified and disgusted as you understandably are to discover that a hitherto trusted colleague was all along a sinister crypto-jihadist.
I have just this minute come out of a top-secret, eyes-only briefing with representatives of Scotland Yard’s Anti-terror Squad and the British intelligence service, where I assured them of our full cooperation in their investigation of Donald Gold. I am not at liberty to divulge details, but I understand that their counterparts in America are making good progress in extracting a full and frank confession from him.
Please, rest assured that Mr. Gold’s employment has been terminated. Also be assured that I am already working with a team of top-level security consultants and we will shortly be putting into place procedures whereby all staff will be vetted for subversive and/or proscribed political affiliations.
I trust that this unpleasant blip will not sully our excellent working relationship with everyone at Esmée Éloge. You have my word that Meerkat360 remains utterly committed in its support of the War on Terror.
I sincerely hope this goes some way to reassuring you and that we can continue our successful partnership, particularly on Project Red Carpet. If you are happy to move on, I suggest rescheduling the meeting for next week and I will personally make the presentation. How is Friday the 30th for you?
I look forward to hearing from you.
Best wishes,
From: David Crutton
To: Ted Berry
Sent: 23 January 2009, 11.59
Subject: Esmée Éloge
Think I’ve steadied the ship on this one. I’ve penciled in a new meeting on the 30th. I strongly recommend we lose Osama and Kim Jong-Il from the shortlist.
By the way, did you see Bill’s Montana e-mail? I didn’t realize he was so nakedly ambitious. He’s definitely one to watch. I think he’s had an excellent thought. Why not get Liam to conceptualize it?
From: David Crutton
To: Sally Wilton
Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.04
Subject: Further security measures
Can you set up a meeting with Slobodan? I want to task him and his lads with some basic staff vetting. We’re looking particularly for fundamentalists and those with terrorist sympathies. I notice there are a couple of Pakistani names in IT. As good a place as any to start.
From: Kirsten Richardson
To: Milton Keane, Dotty Podidra, Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.12
Subject: Is it true?
I just had one of the creatives down for a bubble perm and he said Don Gold is a Muslim suicide bomber! Really???!!! He always seemed so harmless.
From: Milton Keane
To: Kirsten Richardson, Dotty Podidra, Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.13
Subject: Re: Is it true?
I heard a rumor he walked about with Semtex wrapped round his waist!!
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Kirsten Richardson, Dotty Podidra, Milton Keane
Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.14
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