Subject: Re: Is it true?
OMG, I just thought he’d put on weight!!!
From: Dotty Podidra
To: Milton Keane, Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier, Kirsten Richardson
Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.15
Subject: Re: Is it true?
And I always thought he was Jewish!!!!
From: Milton Keane
To: Kirsten Richardson, Dotty Podidra, Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.16
Subject: Re: Is it true?
He’s also a total gaylord. Beats me how he can be an Islamical fundamentaloid *and* a Jewish homo. Must be a total schizo. It just goes to show you can never truly know a person. BTW, if anyone fancies helping me pick out BB audition outfits, meet me in Cazza’s office at 1. I’ve brought in a selection and I’ll order up some sushi on her T&E budget.
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Kirsten Richardson, Dotty Podidra, Milton Keane
Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.17
Subject: Re: Is it true?
Ooh, dressing up! Count me in!!
From: Kirsten Richardson
To: Milton Keane, Dotty Podidra, Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.18
Subject: Re: Is it true?
And me! You want me to do you some highlights? Blowout Burgundy and Chocolate Cherry? Dynamite combo!!
From: Dotty Podidra
To: Milton Keane, Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier, Kirsten Richardson
Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.20
Subject: Re: Is it true?
Sorry, Milt, but DC wants me to take the minutes of a meeting he’s having with the Serbians. Lots of swearing and threats of violence, most likely. Think of me while you’re having fun.
From: Ted Berry
To: David Crutton
Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.22
Subject: Re: Esmée Éloge
30th is fine. Shame about Osama though. The his ‘n’ her Twin Tower pack was a D&AD cert.
I’ll get Liam on to Bill’s idea. It’s a good one.
Gotta say the new stationery arrangements are fucked up. Spent my morning fetching pencils, pens and pads for my department. When the fuck am I supposed to work?
From: Dotty Podidra
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.23
Subject: Milton
Between you and me, Sooz, are you sure it’s a good idea to encourage him on the BB front? Given the nose situation, I think he’s just setting himself up for a gigantic fall.
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.25
Subject: Re: Milton
Don’t be an old party pooper. He’ll be fine. He’ll get through his audition on sheer force of personality. And actually, his new nose is growing on me. It has a certain “damaged” beauty, which is a very catwalk look. Deformity is totally this season. Of course, I wouldn’t expect you to be able to see it. You have to have a fashion eye, don’t you?
From: David Crutton
To: Kazu Makino
Cc: Bill Geddes
Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.36
Subject: GIT
How are you getting on with the Mini Montana PowerPoint? I’d like a review. Say 2.00?
From: Kazu Makino
To: David Crutton
Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.37
Subject: Out of Office AutoReply
I am out of the office attempting to free Donald Gold from illegal custody. I may be some time because clearly no one else in the company—especially those in senior management who owe him a duty of care—gives a stuff.
From: David Crutton
To: Sally Wilton
Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.39
Subject: Kazu Makino
Have her placed on the suspect-employee register immediately.
From: Sally Wilton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.42
Subject: Re: Kazu Makino
With pleasure. I’ve also taken the liberty of adding Róisín O’Hooligan’s name.
From: Róisín O’Hooligan
To: All Staff
Sent: 23 January 2009, 12.57
Subject: Oh, the sweet, sweet irony
Slobodan, the big guy in charge of nailing the thief, is stomping around reception with a face like a slapped arse because he’s had his car nicked. Has anyone seen it? It’s a black Mercedes tank pimped up with Ray-Ban glass and chrome wheels. You really can’t miss it because it’s a fucking eyesore. Sorry, gotta take a toilet break. You have to admit this is piss-yourself funny.
Róisín
Reception
From: Mr. Fraggles
To: All Staff
Sent: 23 January 2009, 13.01
Subject: Has anyone seen ...
... Neil Godley? He promised to organize a petty-cash advance by lunchtime, which is now, isn’t it? I have to go out and buy three dozen beanbags and twenty dozen eggs for this afternoon’s juggling workshop.
From: Brett Topolski
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 23 January 2009, 13.05
Subject: Stop whatever you’re doing
Hope you’re there and not banged up for car thievery because you have to see this. Horne is a cyber superstar. He’s also a filthy, perverted slag. He’s posted a two-parter and it’s like Emanuelle Goes Down (on) the Farm. Click below.
blogass.co.uk
Posted by Hornblower
21/01/09, 10.37 GMT
Crépuscule dans le Périgord Partie 82a: le Paradis Perdu
Oh, what is it all for? What is the point? Or, as mes compatriotes would so cogently put it, “À quoi ça sent?” Such thoughts assailed me as I woke this morning to sub-zero temperatures. The lack of both fuel oil and wife to warm me didn’t aid my mood. A diesel delivery is due demain, but Celine, I have reluctantly accepted, will not be returning.
Matters did not improve over le petit déjeuner when M. le Facteur delivered a most unpleasant letter from Celine’s solicitor. I replied—en français naturellement—explaining that I can perfectly well live without the stipend from her trust fund and I signed off with a thought beloved of mon bien-aimé Papin: “Les avocats sont l’excrément de la terre.”
After such a start to the day, there is only one thing for it. I’m going to have to uncork the ‘59 Armagnac. I shall re-post later with an update.
blogass.co.uk
Posted by Hornblower
21/01/09, 14.21 GMT
Crépuscule dans le Périgord Partie 82b: le Paradis Retrouvé
Je suis ivre and I am not ashamed to admit it. Je suis plein comme un boudin, soûl comme une vache. Oui, I am as gloriously fucking drunk as un triton crete. Let me tell you, lecteurs bien-aimés, 1959 was a very bloody good year for Armagnac.
I feel renewed, reinvigorated, rezestified, if you will permit me to mint un mot tout neuf. Fuck Celine. Je chie sur elle. Pardonnez moi mon Frangais!! She and her ridiculous collection of 227 handbags can brûler en enfer.
And to whom do I owe thanks for ma renaissance glorieuse? Mon cher Papin, naturellement. Though it was not until we were halfway through the bottle that I realized what un ami indispensable he has become. It was when he topped up my balloon and offered—quite off his own bat—to clear the last of Celine’s bits and bobs from the bedroom. L’homme est un voyant! He knew intuitivement that, in my current febrile state, going through Celine’s drawers would be la derniere goutte.
After manfully packing her remaining clothes, shoes and toiletries into several cases, he reappeared with a pair of silken culotte and matching soutien-gorge—peach with ivory lace trim, La Perla, my gift to her for our nineteenth anniversary, if I’m not mistaken.
The sight of said frillies finally broke me. I confess that since Celine’s flight de chez nous, I have been affecting nonchalance—or as they put it so much more poetically in these parts,
nonchalance. But I could maintain the Robert Mitchum act no longer and the dam burst.
“Vous les voulez pour Madame Papin?” I asked him. “Prenez-les,” I added, fighting back the tears en souvenir des jours heureux.
“On l’emmerde Madame Papin,” he snorted. “Elle est une grosse truie pustulente. Gardes-les, conard.”
As he stepped over to me and proffered la lingerie, I felt a vague weakening of the knees, a palpable quickening of the heart.
“Tailles-moi une pipe,” he commanded.
“Mais je ne fume pas,” I protested.
“Putain de merde, t’es un trou du cul,” he snarled, unbuttoning himself, placing his large calloused hand on top of my head and forcing it inexorably down. I meekly did his bidding, finding strange yet profound comfort in mes nouvelles fonctions as his salope Anglaise dégoûtante.
Comment posted by Eel Boy:
Don’t *ever* stop blogging, Hornblower. You are the funniest guy in the world!!
Comment posted by Eel Boy:
PS: You are trying to be funny, aren’t you? Just checking!!
Comment posted by Franglais:
Hornblower rocks! Il est les couilles du chien!
Comment posted by Cindy CD:
I have bras, panties, camisoles and garter belts, and also S. Dakota’s biggest collection of size 8+ fuck-me pumps. Will send in exchange for photos. What are your sizes?
PS: did he cum on your face, baby?
Comment posted by Le Pen Est Dieu:
Tues la pute de ta race. Va te faire foutre en Angleterre et arrêtes de souiller mon beau pays.
Comment posted by ExPatrick:
Hi there, Hornblower. As a denizen of the Dordogne, I love your blogs and, as a fellow expatrié assimilé, they reassure me that we are not all petit Anglais. Keep the faith, mon brave! While I’m online, can you give me some advice? I can’t find PG
Tips (pyramid bags) anywhere. Any ideas??
Comment posted by littlepinkpony:
Aidez-moi!!! Ma mère m‘a fermé à clef dans ma chambre. Elle est folle et elle est affamée à la mort!!! Appelez la police. J’habite au Saginaw, MI. Je suis désolé pour mon mauvais Français!
Comment posted by Woody:
You sound like one horny little sissy boy, Hornblower. I do like ‘em silk-clad and I’m rubbing myself now thinking how I’d take care of you. Any chance of posting some jpegs of your sweet self? Gotta go and “take care of business,” girlfriend. Back soon.
From: Sally Wilton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 23 January 2009, 14.09
Subject: Godley
The XL boys have finished their “chat.” We have a signed confession. The police have been called and he is clearing his desk as I write.
From: David Crutton
To: Sally Wilton
Sent: 23 January 2009, 14.12
Subject: Re: Godley
Excellent! To whom should I talk about sorting out a brown envelope for yourself, and for Zlatan Kovaćević who recommended the admirable fellows at XL?
From: Sally Wilton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 23 January 2009, 14.15
Subject: Re: Godley
That would be Neil Godley.
From: Neil Godley
To: Caroline Zitter
Sent: 23 January 2009, 14.23
Subject: Sorry
Dear Caroline
I am sorry for bothering you with my earlier e-mail. It was an underhand attempt to cover up the fact that I have been systematically robbing the company since I joined eleven months ago. I have confessed in full for my crimes and I will now throw myself on the mercy of the criminal justice system. I assure you that I made the confession entirely freely. No coercion, intimidation, threats of violence or actual violence was used.
I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for betraying the trust you and the other partners placed in me.
Yours in abject shame,Neil Godley (Formerly of Accounts)
From: David Crutton
To: All Staff
Sent: 23 January 2009, 14.38
Subject: We’ve nailed the bastard!
Champagne in reception at five to celebrate the capture of the thief. And let this entire unsavory experience serve as a warning to anyone else that thinks he/she can get away with stealing company property. If so much as a staple is used on non-company business, I will hunt you down and squash you like the despicable, secretion-oozing worm you are.
From: Milton Keane
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 23 January 2009, 14.41
Subject: DC
Has he gone completely mad???
From: Dotty Podidra
To: Milton Keane
Sent: 23 January 2009, 14.43
Subject: Re: DC
Yes. And I’m really scared. He’s firing off crazy e-mails and doing this weird cackle. It’s like working for Vincent Price.
From: David Crutton
To: Ted Berry
Sent: 23 January 2009, 14.46
Subject: Model-making
Any creatives free to knock up a quick effigy of Godley for the knees-up at five? I firmly believe that having a life-size mannequin to kick around will make for some healthy and fun staff bonding.
From: David Crutton
To: Sally Wilton
Sent: 23 January 2009, 14.49
Subject: Just a thought
Is there any way that using office power sockets to recharge personal mobile phones can be classified as theft? If so, a single swift clampdown would reel in at least a dozen kleptomaniacs and act as a deterrent to other miscreants.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Brett Topolski
Sent: 23 January 2009, 15.02
Subject: Is this worse than the thing with the thing?
Here’s a hypothetical situation: imagine there’s a bloke who’s been nicking stuff from the office where he works—stationery, bottles of booze, the odd copier. And say there’s an investigation and the wrong guy goes down for it. Should the hypothetical perp come clean or should he breathe a huge sigh of relief and learn to live with his guilt as best he can?
Your wise and esteemed counsel on this tricky (but totally academic) moral conundrum would be appreciated.
Puzzled of Soho
PS: Checked out the Horne blog. Gobsmacked. Did a Google and the fucker’s gone viral—officially bigger than Swine Flu. There are already a dozen fan sites. Just goes to show that any fucker with a PC and too much time on his hands can become a celebrity. The way the net works these days, he’ll probably get a movie deal out of it. The guy always was a jammy bastard. And he hasn’t lost his love of silk ‘n’ sodomy, has he?
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Milton Keane
Sent: 23 January 2009, 15.13
Subject: Separated at birth???!!!!
That was the *best* lunchtime ever!!! Don’t we agree on absolutely everything, fashion-wise? Amazing! As soon as you put the black string vest over the cerise T and matched it with the cream jodhpurs I just knew you’d nailed it and you knew it too in that same instant. It was like ESP and I got total goose bumps!!!! You are so going to have an amazing audition!!!
Sooz xxxxx
From: Milton Keane
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 23 January 2009, 15.17
Subject: Re: Separated at birth???!!!!
I know!! I’m totally going to *own* BB next week. We’re so on the same wavelength, aren’t we? We should go into styling together. Hey, just had a brill idea! After BB when I’m a celeb and I have an agent and can get my own series on E4, we should get ourselves a makeover show like Trinny and Susannah, only we wouldn’t let any fat toothless chavs on!!
Milt xxxxxxxxxxxx
PS: Did you think the riding boots really worked? Didn’t the buckle make me seem a bit gay?
e Squared Page 20
